Grin and Bear It: How to Be Happy No Matter What Reality Throws Your Way (6 page)

And I promised, “it wouldn’t take much of your time.” I was literally still begging the day before the shoot and he was still saying “no.”

As I talked, Jeff became so distracted with his handyman washing his filthy outfit in a client’s brand-new washer and dryer that he finally surrendered. Chris and I celebrated. We were well on our way to becoming famous.

Jeff loved buying homes, fixing them up, and selling them for a tidy profit. At that time, Jeff had flipped about fifty or so homes. In 2007, the real estate market hadn’t dropped out yet and the economy was still on the up and up, so Jeff was on a real roll. He didn’t need the show, nor did he really share my dream of being famous. However, after much shameless begging, he finally, albeit unhappily, agreed to do it—for me. Good thing, too, because his “yes” came on the night before our first day of filming our sizzle reel, an edited overview of what the show would look like. It’s like a movie trailer, designed to interest the networks and get them to pick up the idea and fund a pilot or series.

Jeff was amazing and hilarious in the sizzle reel and was as unfiltered then as he is today. Jeff had agreed to do the reel as a favor and wasn’t the least bit interested in seeing this concept go any further, but he proved to have a charm that was really appealing. Although he was not the focus of the show, he was “a natural,” comfortable being truthful about who he is, which is why people loved what they saw when they got a glimpse of Jeff on-screen. We thought for sure we had a good chance at selling our show.

By the time we shopped
The Wannabes,
Hollywood “inside” shows weren’t working anymore, including the ones with big stars—
Kilroy
, a pilot George Clooney produced, and
The Comeback
with Lisa Kudrow had been canceled. And as it turned out, Jeff was apparently very attractive to the network executives—more than we were. Why? He was charming, handsome,
and
successful.

I couldn’t even win selling myself as a loser!

The more people saw our sizzle reel, the stronger they came back saying they loved Jeff’s fiery personality. Jeff’s business was in high gear and he didn’t care whatsoever about having a show, which only enhanced his credibility with network executives. Everyone we met with said they were drawn to his entertaining outbursts and to the complicated, dysfunctional dynamics of our lives—all essential elements for a successful reality show. Jeff’s “discovery” instantly spun our show about two actors pursuing fame toward
his
story and the world of real estate.

We soon got a phone call saying Bravo wanted to meet. They told us they were already leaning toward a real estate show,
Million Dollar Listing,
and weren’t sure they wanted to air two shows that revolved around the same industry. At the end of the meeting, however, Cori Abraham, a Bravo executive, gave us her card and told us to call her. When we did, she said she believed in
Flipping Out
and was willing to go the extra mile for us. A Skype call was arranged with Lauren Zalaznick, head of the Bravo network, to talk about the show. That call sold
Flipping Out.
Shortly thereafter, they agreed to give us a green light for six episodes—a great start for an unproven show.

My response was bittersweet. On the one hand, I was so happy and excited for the chance we were being given. We put our mind toward a goal and made it happen. On the other hand, after all of the years chasing my dream to become a serious actress, a comedienne and, don’t forget, a rapper, I wasn’t sure a reality television show about real estate was what I was supposed to be doing.

I was a
successful actress—
or at least that’s what I wanted people to believe. If I pursued
Flipping Out
, everyone in Hollywood, along with millions of viewers, would know my secret—the thing I went out of my way to hide—that all I did for a living was work for Jeff Lewis as his assistant.

For Chris, it was even worse because he was the guy hauling Jeff’s trash out every day. He didn’t want to be on television as a trash-carrying struggling actor/gofer. He actually had an active career, appearing in a
major feature film,
How High,
and television shows such as
Spin City
and
Punk’d.
I think in Chris’s mind, doing a show like
Flipping Out
was a step down. He didn’t want either of us to be humiliated on national television.

He had a point.

When Bravo bought
Flipping Out,
I had to make a choice—my show business version of Sophie’s Choice—to give up my passion project and put
The Wannabes
on a shelf or walk away and wait for another shot at stardom. That was really hard.

I needed to figure out if I should do
Flipping Out.
I reached out to my acting coach, Kathleen King, who, since the day I met her, has always helped me find answers by asking me questions. And true to form, instead of telling me what to do, here were her questions:

“What do you really want? Do you want to act?” she asked.

“Yes, I do!”

“Do you think this is something where you can learn about a business you want to be in?”

“Yes, I do!”

“Has Jeff been successful?”

“Yes.”

“Have you learned a lot from him so far?”

“Yes.”

“Well then, it seems to me you don’t have a lot to lose.”

If I agreed to do the show, I would be jumping headfirst into unknown territory. I would have to start being honest and willing to do the hard work that would get me to where I wanted to go with my life and career. No more posturing and pretending that I was further along than I actually was. It took courage I didn’t think I had to say hello to
Flipping Out
and good-bye to
The Wannabes
. If I sound bitter, I was … for about two days.

Although I didn’t know it at the time, looking back, this might have been the beginning of the end to my marriage with Chris, too. He was so angry that the networks were gravitating toward Jeff. I struggled to be happy for Jeff and encouraged him to go for it, but Chris begged me to walk away and pursue
The Wannabes
—but I couldn’t do it. Kathleen also asked me what would I do if the situation were reversed, how I would want Jeff to support our project. I told Chris how I felt and said I wanted to play it out and see what might come of it. Instead of crumbling in defeat that
The Wannabes
wasn’t picked up, I did my best to embrace this new, unexpected opportunity.

The first time I met Kathleen was in the summer of 2004 after she saw me perform in a play called
Jewtopia,
in Los Angeles. The actor she had been coaching played my father in the show and he was moving to New York with the production. Before he left, he tried to recommend her to me as an acting coach when I cut him off. I thought,
Awesome! Just what I needed … to meet with another acting coach!
I had already worked my way through every great one in the city. But, the next thing I knew, I was in Pasadena at a café sobbing to Kathleen about my not going with the play to New York.

“It’s all over,” I said.

“You are crazy talented and crazy brave, but you look just crazy because you are out of control. You don’t know what you’re doing and you have to do something about that attitude and the sneer that goes with it.”

No one had ever greeted me like that before or since.

“You need to learn technique and the voice needs a lot of work.”

I had given no thought to my voice and its current limitations. All I could think was,
What a bitch.
I had no idea what she was talking about. I was beyond pissed that this complete stranger would speak to me like that, especially after giving what I thought was a supreme performance in
Jewtopia
. But, in actuality, she was right. I really didn’t know what I was doing. I had no technique. And no one had ever had the decency or the heart to speak the truth to me like Kathleen did that day. (And she doesn’t usually say things like that unless you’re paying her.)

Within days of that meeting, I was working regularly with Kathleen. Ours would become one of the most important and life-altering relationships in my life.

There were many times I left Kathleen distraught and filled with anger because I couldn’t figure out what she really meant. She speaks in such a way that you have to be engaged and really listening to
hear
the message. Up until I met Kathleen, I did a lot of talking and very little listening. She trained me to listen, which is a critical skill for an actor who wants to be good at their job. And my newfound ability to listen became a big part of what would eventually change my life.

Working with Kathleen was the first time in my career that I genuinely believed someone could see my talent and support it. She is always on my side even if we don’t agree on everything. Kathleen helped me to see that all of the time I spent complaining, talking, and
not
doing was actually hurting me. And I felt like she was trying to make things hard for me. Sometimes I still do. But I
can’t
argue with her results.

As time went on, I began to think of Kathleen as someone I could trust. Believe me, that says a lot, because at the time I didn’t trust anyone! And how could I? I wasn’t being truthful about who I was as a person. So why would I think the people around me were?

Why had I ignored what was right in front of me?

The people who work the hardest often get the best results. That’s exactly why the networks loved Jeff. He walked his talk while I walked around making everyone believe I was strong, secure, and happy when I was anything but.

I believe God has an awesome sense of humor, especially when He is trying to browbeat a specific lesson into your head. When He wants to root out a problem in your life, He will keep slapping you with a two-by-four, sometimes literally, until you learn your intended lesson.

MY FIRST CONVERSATION WITH KATHLEEN (CONVERSATIONS WITH AN ALIEN)

  1.  You never know
what
is going to lead
where
.

  2.  When something you wanted is given to someone else, realize that your plan B can be a plan A in disguise.

  3.  Saying “I don’t know” is a power position.

  4.  If at first they think you don’t belong, know they can be wrong!

  5.  You don’t see your true self in the mirror; you see it in how you treat yourself and others.

  6.  Being obsessed with yourself is not the same as seeing yourself.

It was important for me to get it through my head that the one who
really
needed to see me … was
me—
and doing
Flipping Out
was my best shot at making that happen.

3

Bloom Where You Are Planted

Once the show got
off the ground, the rest, as they say, is history. It’s clear to anyone who watches our shows that we are in an unusual, highly dysfunctional relationship, yet somehow it seems to work. I want the world to know that I have tremendous love for Jeff Lewis—and I am
not
just making this bold statement because he is making me say it. I swear. (How was that, Jeff?)

I will be forever grateful to Jeff and thankful for the opportunity we have shared together on reality TV. It has taught me a lot. Working with Jeff and doing reality television has forced me to become more self-aware. Granted, much of that has stemmed from tremendous embarrassment, but hey, who knew humiliation would lead me to the life I never knew I wanted?

As a professional, I respect Jeff’s work. Simply put, there’s no one in the real estate business who can do what Jeff does the way he does it. Jeff has the courage to say the things no one wants to hear, but often needs to hear anyway. I may not always agree or like the way he goes about sharing his point of view, but I admire that he is willing to let you know what he is thinking. And once I stopped being victimized by his choice of words, I actually found myself appreciating that he cared enough about me to say them.

Eventually, most of us will find ourselves in a situation that will require digging down, and I mean way, way down to places you never knew existed within, to find a way to get through working for someone you don’t see eye to eye with. Lots of people in the world feel conflicted about people they work with; I totally get it. You don’t have to like or even respect your boss, but you do have to be
respectful
—that is, if you plan on continuing to collect a paycheck.

Growing up with my mom was like going to boot camp for all of the bosses I’d encounter throughout my life. She prepared me to never expect a compliment or approval from anyone, which is why I was always so desperate to get it. As I struggled to get my so-called “break” in Hollywood, she encouraged me with her own brand of loving and supportive statements such as: “You made me stay up until ten p.m. for that? You had one scene in that awful program and if I had blinked I would have missed it altogether.” Or, when she’s feeling really compassionate, I might have gotten something like, “Jennifer, why do you keep ending up on the cutting-room floor?” She says things like this as if she somehow knows the inside lingo of Hollywood.

Flipping Out
is now in its seventh season, and although my mom thinks it has gotten funnier, she still believes I am still not getting enough airtime. “You could be in it more. You were barely in it this last year,” she recently said. But deep down, I know she’s really proud of me and our show. It’s a good thing I have such an excellent ability to “reinterpret” her comments, a skill which I credit to Kathleen and therapy—lots and lots of very expensive therapy!