Guardian (25 page)

“
I
need you there,” Rafael said shortly.

At these words, so reminiscent of what I had just been wallowing about, I really couldn’t keep a few tears back. Rafael was at my side in an instant, holding my face in his hands so gently, it seemed like butterfly wings were brushing away the tears on my cheeks.

“Lyla, what is this?” he asked, sounding not only confused, but amazed as well.

“You may need me now,” I said, horrified to realize I was practically blubbering, “and Rafael, I believe you when you say you’ll help guard Colton and Grace, but seeing Damian, well, it made me realize that sooner or later you’re going to leave. There’s no point in pretending otherwise. You’re not meant to stay in one place, none of you are. You’ve said so yourself.”

Before I even really knew what was happening, Rafael had picked me up and we were sitting on the COTA bus stop bench. “Lyla,” he said softly, tucking a stray curl of hair behind my ear. It gave me chills, though I did my best to conceal them. “How could you suggest a thing? I’ll never leave you all alone.”

“You did before,” I said quickly, recalling those horribly lonely days, where every bad thing that occurred just seemed to drive home the fact even more, reminding me of his absence.

Rafael expelled a long breath, the white cloud floating between us for just a moment before disappearing in the crisp night. “Surely you realize things have changed since then.”

It did seem lifetimes ago that he had left, that we had begun our highly unusual friendship. But that didn’t make the truth of it any less true.

“Of course things have changed,” I admitted. “Knowing what you are probably makes me some kind of liability for all the Fallen. But, Rafael…” I finally faced him, took both his warm hands into my cold ones and squeezed them, because this was the important part. This was the part that I knew would break me, because I already knew the answer. “Look at me right now, and tell me you can guard me forever. Tell me you’ll always stay here in Columbus, always meet me in the park every day at three p.m. on the dot, always drive me to school and babysit Colton and Grace. Tell me you will never leave me again.”

He was unable to meet my eyes by now, and I kept going, forcing both of us to face the truth. “If you can promise me all that, I’ll never complain again. I’ll believe you and never,
ever
doubt you again. Tell me you’re my best friend, and that you’ll always be around, and I’ll stop.”

Rafael was staring off into the darkness, a muscle ticking in his jaw. “You know I can’t promise you all that,” he said in a tight, painful voice. “It would make me a liar. At least, eventually it would.”

And Rafael would never lie. He would never make a promise he wasn’t positive he could keep, not ever. It was part of what made him Rafael, was one of the thousands of things I loved about him.

I smiled gently, though I was shattering on the inside. “See? In my mind, I don’t even know what I was thinking. That you would stand and guard me on campus every day when I go to college? Drive Colton and Grace to school, teach them to drive like you did with me? It’s stupid for you to try and stay now, Rafael. For me to expect-”

I was abruptly cut off as Rafael gently seized my face between his hands, forcing me to tilt my gaze up to him.

“Rafael, what are you doing?” I tried to pull away, but he held me too tightly. I looked up into his eyes, and saw a tortured kind of desperation there, different from the pain he got when thinking about his hopeless situation. This look said clear as day to me that Rafael was fighting to keep himself from doing something.

And then Rafael was kissing me, just as I had always wanted him to, had dreamed about, fantasized about. Only it was much better than I could ever have imagined.

I had always thought it would happen with a gentle, feather light press of lips, the slow methodical way that Rafael approached everything. But no. This kiss was fierce, urgent, Rafael’s lips pressing against mine with a kind of desperation, as though he had wanted to do this for a very long time and couldn’t hold himself back any longer.

I relished every second of it, though it only lasted for a few of them; the way one of his hands left my face and tenderly cupped the back of my head, as though I was made of glass. The way I could finally touch him, so intimately, and not feel so self-conscious about it; my hands curling around his neck, fingers grasping tightly into the collar of his t-shirt, anchoring myself to earth. The feel of Rafael’s perfect, soft and smooth lips against my own, the way a spark from our joined lips grew and grew, becoming a large fire that came to possess every corner of my body, making me simmer with a slow, steady heat.

And then he pulled back, his eyes popping open and meeting mine with an expression akin to horror. I could tell he already deeply regretted such an impulsive act.

I rushed to try and save the moment. “Rafael, I-”

“Lyla,” he said, his gentle voice and expression back. He began to glow a little as he spoke, and I knew what was happening, but was helpless to stop it.

“Lyla,” he said again, his voice like a faraway echo, “I know you’re tired. You’re very tired, and I think you should get some sleep.”

“I’m not-”
tired at all,
I started to say, but was cut off by a jaw-cracking yawn. All of the sudden I was bone weary, my eyelids fluttering as they battled to stay open. I leaned listlessly to the side, where Rafael caught me and held me in his arms. This was a pretty good alternative, but I was still mad.

“Get you for this,” I mumbled, and then tucked my head against his warm chest.

A soft rumble shook me as he chuckled, whooshing air filled my ears, and we flew back home.

When I woke up the next morning, I was groggy and it was a struggle to force my eyelids open. I lay there in my bed, missing Grace’s warm body curled into a ball at my side, and Colton jumping onto the bed to wake both of us up. Most people would assume I enjoyed the break from the constant care of my siblings, but they were a part of me and unless I was with Rafael, I worried about them incessantly.

Rafael.

With a groan, I rolled over and smashed my face into a pillow. Last night had been a dream come true, for me at least, and Rafael had fled from it. I could only imagine what our resulting conversation would be like today. And then, incredibly, a sense of glee filled me and I giggled.

Rafael had
kissed
me. No matter what he said today, what he did, at least I had that. At least I knew I wasn’t the only one who wanted to be more than friends, who was deeply affected by our friendship. I would have to cling to that. I threw back the covers on my bed and went to shower, dressing for church in gray slacks, a lavender v-neck tee, and a jean jacket to ward off the winter chill that had entered the air. I took extra care as I blow dried my curly hair and applied a hint of makeup.

Walking into the kitchen, I found Rafael’s Hummer keys sitting on the counter next to the coffee pot. A glance out the window proved he had left the Hummer outside for me. Because he was busy, I wondered, or because he was too ashamed to face me? Knowing Rafael as I did, he felt guilty about what had happened.

Fingers trembling, I drove to church, where I sat fidgeting all through mass. Retrieved from Natalie’s parents, Colton and Grace were at my side once more. They were calmer and better behaved than I was, although maybe that was because they were so tired. They fell asleep in the backseat on the way to the park, and after a moment’s hesitation, I cracked all the windows and left them to sleep in the Hummer. The bench was right next to the parking lot, and it was warmer inside the car than outside it. Besides, with Rafael around, was there any real danger?

Demons
, my mind echoed, but I shoved that thought away, hopping down from the Hummer and landing lightly on the paved ground. As I had suspected, Rafael was already at the park bench, waiting for me. It was uncanny how we always knew to meet here whenever something had happened. I approached the bench steadily, Rafael only looking up at me when I finally stood right before him. I breathed out a sigh.

“That was a dirty trick,” I whispered, “compelling me last night.”

Rafael looked tortured. “I know. I’m so sorry. Lyla, I-”

I held up my hand. “Wait. Before we say anything else, I want you to
promise
me that you will never compel me again. If you wanted to wait to talk about it, you should have said so. You know me, Rafael. You compel strangers so you can keep your secret, not friends in an awkward situation.”

“I promise,” Rafael said instantly, still sounding ashamed. “I’m so sorry. I… I just panicked.”

Feeling a little reassured, I sat down next to Rafael, and couldn’t think of a thing to say. We were about to tread on unknown ground, and with last night’s kiss, I knew Rafael and I would never be able to go on the way we had before.

“Last night was a mistake,” Rafael finally said in a low, controlled voice. “I apologize, it never should have happened.”

“So,” I said, my lips feeling numb as I tried to form words with them, “you regret kissing me.” I wanted to be sure I was clear about everything we said.

Rafael’s eyes darted toward me and skittered away. “No,” he said, so low that I almost didn’t catch the word.

And with that one word, my hopes rose once more, my heart sang, and I opened my mouth to launch into my argument.

Rafael cut me off before I was even able to start. “
No
, Lyla. I already said it was a mistake. I know what you’re thinking, and how you feel.”

I jumped up from the bench, too filled with emotion and sudden energy to sit still. “How can you say no, Rafael? Why won’t you give it a chance?”

“You don’t understand,” he said vehemently. “You are so young, you can’t possibly know what you want out of life.”

“But I do!” I insisted, and took a deep breath for my confession. “I love you, Rafael, and I want to
help
you. I want to become a Fallen.”

To his credit, Rafael didn’t rocket out of his seat, shouting no, as I had expected him to do. Instead he said the one thing, the only two names in the world that could make me falter. “And what of Colton and Grace? While you’re off, doing good deeds and spreading the faith, where are they?”

“I-I…” I couldn’t think of anything to say. I hadn’t even considered Colton and Grace. Somehow my siblings, who always factored into every decision I made and came first in every facet of my life, had been forgotten in this plan.

“You didn’t even think about them when you decided this, I know,” Rafael said, still in a calm, gentle tone. “I know this all sounds like some great adventure, but it’s not, Lyla. And it’s not worth giving up the life that you have, insignificant though you may feel it is. It’s certainly not worth abandoning Colton and Grace.”

I clenched my jaw, because he was right, and he knew it too. He knew I would die before I would leave Colton and Grace to fend for themselves, would allow myself to be beaten a thousand times and tell a million lies I was ashamed of in order to keep them from being separated. I wanted to argue with him, but there was nothing I could say.

“As for you loving me,” Rafael continued, as though what he had already said wasn’t wounding enough. He took one of my cold hands in his, but I felt so numb by then I hardly registered the touch I was normally so aware of. “You’re so young, Lyla. You need time to grow up and see the world and meet other people before you really know what love is. Then, after you give it some time, you’ll realize this is just infatuation. You’re just a child and-”

“Don’t call me a child!” I snapped, tearing my hands away from his and wishing his words didn’t hurt so much. “I’m almost eighteen and while that may not be anywhere near two thousand, it’s still an adult in the eyes of this world. You can refuse to make me a Fallen, Rafael, and deny your feelings all you want, but don’t you dare try to belittle mine. I know my mind and my heart, and this is how they will always feel, even if you leave and I have to watch you fly off into the sunset. Just tell me no. Tell me you won’t share your light with me and won’t let me join your world, won’t let me help you with your fight.”

Rafael lifted pain-filled eyes up to mine. “I could
never
do that to you,” he whispered.

I rode home from the park in a state of deep depression, something that used to be very unusual for me, but now seemed to be happening with alarming regularity. I didn’t even feel like praying about it just yet, which should have unnerved me, if I’d had the energy to care. I set my purse down in a chair after carefully taking both Colton and Grace into the bedroom and shutting them in there to sleep. Afterward, I collapsed at the kitchen table and laid my head down in my hands.

“Are you okay, honey?”

I started at the gentle voice that sounded from behind me, and looked up to see my mom standing framed in the bedroom hallway. I tensed for a moment, unsure of her mood, but relaxed when she walked up and rested her hands on my shoulders and pressed her cheek against mine.

“You seem upset, sugar pie,” she said, circling the table and heading for the kitchen counter just beyond it. “What’s going on?”

“It’s…” I hesitated, wondering if I should say anything at all. But oh, how I wanted this moment with my mom, to have the relationship Natalie shared with her mom, to share my problems with her and have her care. “It’s a boy issue,” I said slowly, peeking through my eyelashes to gauge her reaction.