Guess Who I Pulled Last Night?
Read Guess Who I Pulled Last Night? Online
Authors: Nikki Ashton
Tags: #Humor & Entertainment, #Humor, #Love; Sex & Marriage, #Romance, #Contemporary, #Romantic Comedy
“Guess Who I Pulled
Last Night?”
By Nikki Ashton
Text Copyright © 2013
Nikki Ashton
All Rights Reserved
TABLE OF CONTENTS
This is dedicated to
ones I love and the people I’ve known; you’ve all helped me to write this book,
so thank you
“Okay, let me ask you this one; best boy band ever?”
Charlotte Price leaned forward and grabbed the bottle of wine from the coffee
table before pouring the last few drops into her glass. “Obviously I know
the correct answer but do you two?” She pointed a finger at her two
friends, Bets and Kerry who were equally as drunk as Charlotte and lay sprawled
across her brown leather sofa.
“I’m first,” cried Kerry waving her glass around
shakily. “That’s easy; Boyzone. Ah,” she sighed. “Ronan
Keating.”
“Wrong!” Charlotte pointed to Bets. “Okay what’s
your answer?”
“I hate boy bands why on earth would I have an opinion on
it?” Bets shifted around on the sofa and put her feet up on Kerry’s lap.
“Because, everyone has a favourite boy band!” exclaimed
Kerry pushing Bets’ feet down onto the floor with a loud sniff.
“Yeah, well I don’t, but if I had to say one it would
probably be The Sex Pistols.” She put her feet back, giving Kerry a poke
with her toe as she did so.
“Well for starters they are hardly a boy band; more a
granddad band these days, and secondly you are totally wrong its Ta…”
“Take That,” chorused Kerry and Bets.
“We know, you tell us often enough doesn’t she, Bets?” Kerry
nudged her friend’s legs. “I think you need to understand Charlotte there is no
way Gary Barlow is ever going to leave his wife for you. Anyway, if I
have to be honest I think that that John Etheridge in the upper sixth was
better than any boy band member, he was absolutely gorgeous.”
“Nah, he had bad breath,” said Charlotte, shaking her head,
“at least he did when I kissed him.”
“Did you kiss him? God so did I,” groaned Bets, as she took
a gulp of wine.
“How come you two both kissed him? I fancied him like
mad and never got a sideways glance,” moaned Kerry, turning her head in
disgust.
So the evening carried on
with the three of them arguing over music and discussing the merits of the
instant Cappuccino and other such rubbish. A typical evening for the
three women who had met on the first day of primary school and been friends
ever since. Over the years there had been the odd fall out over clothes
and homework (never boys) but generally they had stuck together through thick
and thin and now in their late twenties were closer than ever.
Charlotte was generally the leader of the group, not because
she was bossy, but because she was organised and good with money. She was
the one who always sorted out their holiday abroad; she would then religiously
collect the money from the other two every month to pay for it. She also
threw some brilliant parties, which were talked about for months
afterwards. Charlotte’s family was a happy one, consisting of two
parents, who were still married after 35 years, an older sister Amanda 32 and a
younger brother Tom aged 25. A happy family meant that Charlotte grew up
contented and balanced, with just one problem in life: her taste in men, which
was not something that she would be given an A star for!
She was a dreamer when it came to romance. As a young
teenager she would sit in her bedroom, dreaming about Ben Hathaway the school
stud. She fantasied that he would tell her how beautiful she was, and
that when he was rich and famous he was going to marry her. It never
happened, and as he got older he became fatter and hairier and worked on the
bus station, selling the Evening Post. Yes, her childhood had been very
special, but the most fun she had was in her teenage years – the years she
spent partying with Kerry and Bets.
Charlotte had been the one to invent the “Guess who I pulled
last night” list; a piece of harmless fun to list any conquests that they’d
had. It would be something to laugh about when they were old ladies doing their
knitting.
There were certain rules that had to be followed and failure
to do so resulted in the removal of points from each person’s tally. The
rules were:
A relative doesn’t count
You can’t have the same bloke twice
Ugly blokes used to bump up your
numbers are not counted
Aforementioned ugly blokes must be
added to Appendix A – the Ugly Blokes list
A name can only be added to the list
if one of the other parties witnesses a full on snog
Anything more than a snog counts as
two points and does not have to be witnessed. This will be taken on a matter of
trust.
It had all been hilarious during their younger years, and
all three had watched while their lists grew at an alarming pace.
Charlotte secretly still filled hers in, although it was rather upsetting as
there had been no new entries for the last eighteen months!
After two unsuccessful years spent at college where
Charlotte failed to gain any qualifications, she managed to get herself a job
as an admissions clerk at the local hospital. Kathleen, Charlotte’s
mother, was as excitable as a child on Christmas day, and was soon off visiting
the neighbours in their cul-de-sac, telling them all that Charlotte had a job
in medicine.
Charlotte enjoyed her time at the hospital and her
colleagues took quite a shine to the quiet, polite, young teenager, often
commenting to each other what a “sweet little thing” she was and “you never
hear a peep from her”. This was typical of Charlotte; when she enjoyed doing
something she was focused, determined and gave it her all. Hence at her
first Christmas Party, just two months after joining the staff, Charlotte gave
it her all. She was focused on getting drunk and determined to have a
good time. After five glasses of punch and two large glasses of wine,
everyone began to see a slightly different side to Charlotte. Her
rendition of Elvis’s “Suspicious Minds”, while wearing Pete the mortician’s
hairpiece, was definitely the highlight of the evening as far as most people
were concerned; in fact seven years later she was still stopped in the street
by old colleagues and reminded of how funny it was. On the night, Pete
couldn’t thank her enough for her honest opinion of the “dead cat” on his head.
It led him to make the bold move of removing the hairpiece forever and sporting
the “bald” look. It was also the party at which Charlotte first fell in
love. Phil, one of the porters, was a bad choice as it turned out, but there
weren’t many nineteen year old men who would hold your hair and rub your back
while you were throwing up into a Yukka plant.
The romance with Phil was short lived. Charlotte liked to
think he dumped her because he thought that they were too young to settle
down. Amanda, Charlotte’s sister, was convinced that it was no coincidence
that he finished with her, by text, on March the 15
th
two days
before her birthday. In the months that they’d been going out together
Phil had earned himself a reputation for being a tad tight. He always
“forgot his wallet” when going out for pizza, or lost the tickets that he’d
supposedly bought for the cinema and then couldn’t afford to replace.
After her birthday he
did
ask Charlotte back out again. She was
ecstatic, but after two weeks of subbing him, even Charlotte agreed with
Amanda; this time she dumped him. After Phil, Charlotte lusted after
three junior doctors, one medical rep and one patient who had a peanut stuck in
his ear.
She had been working at the hospital for two years when she
broke her mother’s heart, and resigned. It had been fun, but Charlotte
was getting bored with the same mundane tasks every day; she needed a change.
So she applied for a job with an insurance company in town and, after two
interviews and an informal chat with the owners, Mr Palmer & Mr Blunderstone,
she got the job.
Kathleen was apoplectic about Charlotte leaving the medical
profession. Amanda, however, saved the day by distracting their mother and
announcing that she and Dave - her fiancé of two years - had set a date for
their wedding. The wedding arrangements took up most of Kathleen’s time
and she soon forgot about Charlotte’s misdemeanour, so she was reprieved; free
to start her new job without any fuss.
On Charlotte’s first day she couldn’t wait to meet all her
new colleagues, imagining that they’d all be young and single like her and that
they would all become good mates, so she was highly disappointed when she found
out that the next youngest employee to her at 42, was Maria the canteen
lady. Luckily for Charlotte within three months Mr Palmer’s son, Paul,
decided to open a subsidiary company on the edge of Chester. He was
taking on all new and young members of staff. Of those who worked for Mr
Palmer senior there was only Charlotte who was willing to make the move.
Charlotte had shown great promise in her short time in the
insurance business, so Paul made her Office Manager of the new premises.
She had been shocked when he offered her the position, but Paul had faith in
her ability and recognised her organisational skills. Bets and Kerry thought
it was more likely he fancied her, but that was one very wrong tree they were
barking up, as Paul was gay. He was very open about it and had told Charlotte
as soon as she had started working for him.
Charlotte had worked for him ever since building up a great
friendship with Paul over the years, not only helping to run his business, but
also his life. She’d even been the one to introduce him to his partner,
Adam, an old school friend of hers. She was extremely loyal to Paul and
was his right hand woman; Paul in turn rewarded Charlotte with a fantastic
salary, a company car and lots of responsibility in the business.
During her years working for Paul there had been some
romance in Charlotte’s life; one relationship in particular had been serious,
but had ultimately broken her heart. Grant Beddows entered her life with
a bang, a few days before Christmas. She’d been doing some last minute
shopping in a department store and was rushing to get back to work, studying
her shopping list at the same time. Failing to see the tall, dark haired
man running towards her, they collided at speed, sending Charlotte’s bags
flying.
“Oof watch where you’re going,” she yelled, bending down to
retrieve a box of chocolates that had flown under a rail of Christmas jumpers.
“Sorry,” the man replied. “Here let me help
you.” He reached across for the bags that were strewn over the floor.
Charlotte looked up to give him a long, hard stare for being
so clumsy, but hadn’t expected him to be so handsome. His dark fringe
hung boyishly over bright blue eyes, his perfect complexion was pink with
embarrassment. She quickly looked him up and down, a solid frame filled
out a Hugo Boss suit over what looked like an Armani shirt.
“I wasn’t looking where I was going.” he broke her
thoughts. “I was rushing to get back to my car before my ticket runs
out.” His deep, warm voice sent shivers down Charlotte’s spine.
“No, don’t worry, it was my fault too. I was too busy
reading my list to watch where I was going.”
He got to his feet, holding his hand out to Charlotte.
“I think that’s everything, I can’t see anything else.”
Charlotte took his hand blushing at the feeling that she got
from his touch. She felt as though her whole body had been injected with
a shot of electricity. Her heart was hammering and she could barely stop
herself from groaning aloud in pleasure.
All thoughts of rushing back to work, and to the car park
were forgotten. They chatted, realising they lived just 3 miles from each
other and Grant Beddows, as he introduced himself, asked Charlotte to join him
for a drink that evening.
Later that evening, he told Charlotte that he was in the
insurance business, which she thought was fate. He was 27 years old and lived
alone in a detached house, on one of the new estates that were continually
springing up around town. He also told her that he drove a classic car,
however Charlotte’s excitement waned when he told her it was a “red Ford Capri
with black leather interior”; the type of car her dad always referred to as
prick mobiles. Grant was charming and easy to talk to, although even
then, Charlotte realised she listened more than she talked. So after a
fantastic first date, spending the entire following weekend in bed together,
Charlotte knew that she’d met her soul mate. She wanted her family to
meet him and grow to love him as much as she did.
Unfortunately, things didn’t quite go to plan. Her
family pretty much realised straight away that Grant was in fact an idiot and,
was indeed, driving exactly the perfect car for him.
The day of Grant’s introduction to the Prices was the
weekend following the New Year. Charlotte wondered if it might be too
soon, but Grant allayed her fears, and told her that he was happy to meet
everyone. The day, got off to a bad start. The household woke up on
the Sunday morning to find Tom lying in his own vomit at the bottom of the
stairs. Tom’s birthday, on New Year’s Day, was often forgotten due to the
hangovers from the night before, so he generally celebrated it the weekend after
the New Year. Hence, on this particular Sunday morning, they all woke to
a rather pungent smell pervading the house.
“Solly Mum, solly Dad,” Tom groaned, not lifting his head
from the carpet. “I plomise I’ll clean it up, just let me sleep a blit
longer.”
Charlotte peered over her parents’ shoulders at her
brother’s face squashed against the floor. “You idiot,” she cried.
“You know Grant is coming for lunch today.” She sat on the stairs,
holding her head in her hands. “Urgh, I bloody well hate you sometimes.”
“Get up you pillock.” Ken Price toe poked his son in
the side.
“Oww that really hurt.” Tom sat up clutching himself.
“Good, now get up those stairs and in the shower before I
really hurt you…idiot! Kathleen, please get me some hot water and disinfectant,”
commanded Ken; he turned to Charlotte next. “Charlie help your stupid
brother upstairs, get him in the shower and stay to make sure he doesn’t
drown…then again it might be a blessing if he did; numbskull!”
“I’m not getting him undressed, that’s perverted,” Charlotte
fumed. Her dad’s face was white with anger. “Okay, but I’m not washing
him, I don’t want to see his bits! Come on you tool, get upstairs.”
She pushed Tom in front of her, steadying him as he slowly made his way up to
the bathroom, on all fours. “God, you stink of kebabs and sick,” she
muttered, all the time resisting the temptation to push his head, hard onto the
stairs.
After the mess had been cleaned up, and with half a bottle
of Charlotte’s Ghost perfume sprayed over the offending area, everyone started
to calm down. Kathleen started to prepare the Sunday lunch, while Ken
polished the cutlery and glasses. Tom and Charlotte meanwhile were
upstairs; Tom sleeping off his hangover and Charlotte trying to relax before
Grant arrived. Amanda and Dave were due to arrive within the next half
hour, with their gorgeous two year old Archie; the apple of everyone’s eye and
the most well behaved, contented child ever – well…normally.
That day Archie decided he was going to be as naughty as
possible, and had chosen Grant as his victim. It started when Grant
arrived. He was introduced to the family, everyone smiled and shook his
hand, except for Archie, and he took an instant dislike to Grant.
Grant bent down to say hello to Archie, but was immediately hit between the
eyes with Archie’s toy hammer.
“Oww, you little…” cried Grant, then noticing all eyes upon
him, smiled widely. “I don’t know; he’s a livewire isn’t he?” He
bent down again. “Ah let’s be friends, Archie.” Archie whacked him
again and burst into tears, screaming at the top of his lungs. He didn’t
stop until Amanda picked him up and took him into the kitchen where he couldn’t
see Grant.
“Sorry mate,” sighed Dave. “He must be tired.”
“Never mind, lunch is almost ready, shall we sit down?”
twittered Kathleen, her neck growing more crimson by the second.
“Mum, Grant has only just got here, give him chance.”
Charlotte scowled at her mother, silently warning her to calm down. She
then turned to Grant, who was rubbing his head where a red mark had
appeared. “Are you okay?” she asked.
