Half In Love With Death (13 page)

“I knew my girl wouldn't let me down.” He winked at me.

It felt nice that he'd called me his girl, but I couldn't look at him without thinking of what Billy had told me.

Moose leaned out the window. “Can we get rolling already?”

“Now we can.” Tony held the door open for me and I got in.

Debbie squeezed in front next to Moose with a smile. He turned the radio up, and took a swallow from a bottle of vodka. Debbie bobbed her head to the music in a robotic way. I sat all alone in the back seat as they passed the bottle between them up front. I hoped Tony wasn't going to drink and drive recklessly.

As if reading my thoughts, Debbie said, “Don't worry. I've been driving around with Tony a long time and nothing bad has ever happened. He's got angels watching over him.”

“That's one way of putting it,” Moose said with a grunt.

Tony cast a quick glance my way. “The thing is, once you don't fear death, it loses its power over you. You live life differently.” He went on in a voice that was soft but so strong, it made me sit up and listen. “Death isn't any more important to me than it is to a bug that smashes on the windshield. It's just something that happens, like brushing your teeth or having a beer.” My stomach churned. “But maybe I feel that way because I've stared death down with my own two eyes. You others haven't been so fortunate.”

“Would you stop going on like that? You're giving me the creeps,” Moose said.

“I bet Caroline is interested,” Tony said.

“I guess,” I replied uneasily.

We hit a straightaway and he gunned the engine. The car took off like a rocket. He kept going faster and faster until I had to put my hands over my eyes.

He finally slowed down and said, “You don't live life at twenty-five miles an hour. Isn't that right, Caroline?” I was trembling too hard to answer.

When we pulled up in front of his house, everyone got out and headed through the gate. Tony put his hand on my arm and held me back. “Got a minute?” he asked. “I need to talk to you.”

“About what?” I could see myself distorting in the lenses of his dark sunglasses.

He scratched his jaw. “About your sister.”

“What about her?” I clutched my books tighter.

He pushed my hair from my sweaty face. “You still want to help me find her, don't you?” He rested his hand on my shoulder. What Billy had said made me want to pull away, but I needed Tony to help me find Jess.

He gave my shoulder a squeeze, and I remembered our kiss.

“I do,” I said.

“Good.” He paused. “My band is coming over and we're gonna play. I want you to stay and listen.”

“What's the name of your band?” I asked.

He smiled slowly. “The Drown.” He looked off into the distance, his face pale as a dream, and said, “Come on, let's go inside.” As he slipped his arm around my waist, his hand grazed the skin under my shirt.

• • •

“Caroline!” Edie ran toward me like I was her long-lost friend and flung her arms around me. “We're having another party. We're gonna bake a cake. I have a mix.”

Lizzie sat in a rocking chair, feeding her baby a bottle. Moose sat down on the couch and picked up a
Popular Mechanics
magazine. A guy I didn't know began talking to him. He smiled at me as if we were already best friends, and introduced himself as Peter. He had light hair and a shy manner that made him handsome in spite of his bad skin. For a second everything made sense—handsome with bad skin, he had to be the guy in the red car. But he couldn't be, because he was here.

“You look like Alice in Wonderland,” he said. He made a courtly bow and swept the air with his arm. “At your service, beautiful lady.” Then he and Moose began searching around in the fridge for something to eat. Tony and Debbie were by the fireplace, talking. Someone put on some music. It swirled around me as I leaned back on the couch, trying to relax.

Peter came back with a beer, plopped down on the couch next to me and said, “Hey, little sis, you're still here.” Something about how he said this made me smile. It was like we were all part of a giant family, a family that didn't say terrible things every other minute, a family that didn't make me unhappy.

“Let's get pretty for the party,” Edie said.

I glanced at Tony, trying to summon the courage to ask him about Billy. “Go on,” he said.

Lizzie picked up her baby and we followed Edie into a bedroom that I assumed was Tony's. Lizzie put her baby down on the unmade double bed, and tucked her up beneath an Indian bedspread. As I put my books down beside the bed I noticed something that looked like a game board sticking out from under it.

Edie shouted, “Don't touch that,” as I reached for it.

“What is it?” I said.

Edie hesitated then said, “It's a Ouija board. It's for talking to spirits, but that one has bad vibes.”

I stepped back. Lizzie rolled her eyes. “And some people have crazy vibes.”

“There, there.” Edie leaned over and patted the baby's little head.

“What's her name?” I asked.

She laughed. “Lothlórien. It's from some stupid book that Lizzie loves.”

Lizzie gave her a look, lit up a cigarette, and exhaled a plume of smoke. “God, I needed that. You have no idea how hard it is taking care of a baby.”

“Who's the father?” I asked.

She bit her lower lip. “Someone who isn't around anymore.”

“You got a boyfriend?” Edie said to me.

I shook my head. “I almost did.”

“What happened?”

“We were together for a while.” I wasn't sure one kiss constituted a while but I didn't know what else to say. “He left me for a friend of mine.”

“What's his name?”

“Billy O'Neil. You probably don't know him.”

“We know him,” Lizzie said. I raised an eyebrow. “Tall, red hair, freckles, football player. And a pretty superior attitude for someone who doesn't know shit.” She put special emphasis on that last part.

“You don't like him?” I said.

Lizzie shrugged. “I don't know him well enough to like him or not.”

“Is he the one who comes to the wash to drink sometimes?” Edie asked.

“That would be him,” Lizzie said.

I inhaled deeply. This was my chance. I had to say something. “Billy said he was at the wash the night Jess disappeared.” Lizzie and Edie looked at each other. I went on, “It's probably not true, but he thinks he might have seen Tony driving Jess away from the wash. Is that even possible?”

Edie started to say, “It was kind of confusing that night . . . .”

Lizzie interrupted her, “Billy's a total loser, and he was so smashed that night, he was probably seeing double.” My worries eased a little. She took another puff of her cigarette.

“You'll find someone better than him.” Edie touched my shoulder. “Love doesn't have to do with any particular person. Where love is, love is.” She looked almost beatific as she said this. I thought of her precious green ring in the white box, of how Tony was in love with Jess, and Edie was in love with him. And then I thought of Tony kissing me—the feeling impossible to doubt.

Lizzie eyed me. “Edie is such a romantic.”

Edie scowled and began rifling through a pile of clothes next to the bed. “There's some nice stuff here. Want to try something on? I love switching around clothes with people.” She held up a denim dress with madras pockets and a zipper with a big ring on it going down the front. I shook my head. The thought of wearing some stranger's clothes grossed me out.

“What about this?”

My jaw dropped. She held up a lime-green dress with a white collar, white cuffs on the short sleeves, and a white belt.

“Is something wrong?” she asked. “It will look good on you.”

I reached for it and brought it to my face. There was the faint flower scent of the deodorant my sister used. “I think this is Jess's dress.”

Lizzie said, “Jesus. We didn't know.”

“She must have left it here a while ago. Lots of people leave clothes here. No one minds if we wear them.” Edie's eyes searched my face. I started to hand it back, but she stopped me. “You should wear it. With your blonde hair, you look just like her.”

“I guess I do.” The green of the dress seemed to jump out at me.

“I don't think she'd mind if you wore it,” Edie said.

I put it on carefully, my heart beating too hard the whole time as I struggled with the hooks and the back zipper. Edie put on the denim dress, and Lizzie chose a purple velvet dress with a sequined collar.

“I love dressing up,” Edie said. “Just the other day some guy told me I could be a model.”

“Yeah, Edie, like that's true.” Lizzie rolled her eyes.

Edie frowned. “He even took some pictures. He said I remind him of Twiggy, and he would know. He's worked with her.” I'd seen pictures of Twiggy in magazines. Her hair was cut as short as a boy's, but, like Edie, she was thin as a stick and had huge eyes with mile-long lashes.

Lizzie shook her head and looked at me. “It's funny. You can't believe a word she says, but Edie believes everything everyone tells her.”

She scowled. I pulled the white belt tight. The top was a little big, but the dress had a full skirt that made me want to twirl. It would look good with Jess's white pumps. I thought of their soft leather, the white roses and delicate ankle straps, and imagined myself dancing in them, my footsteps so light they'd barely touch the ground. It felt strange and wrong to be thinking this now, and yet wearing my sister's dress was magical, as if with each rustling of the material I could hear her breathless whisper.

Edie picked up a makeup bag from a table by the bed, took out some green eye shadow, and brushed it on my eyes.

“Like Cleopatra,” she said. She found some small round iridescent stickers in the bag.

“Put one on your forehead,” she said. “They're reflectors.” Lizzie and I both did. We stood there, the three of us with shining circles on our brows.

“We're stars,” Edie said.

• • •

Tony was fooling with the cord to his electric guitar when we walked in. A couple of other guys were on the makeshift stage, setting up the amps. When he saw me, Tony dropped the cord on the floor. He pushed his hand through his hair and stared.

“Jesus,” he said. “Where did you get that dress?”

I smoothed the skirt. Could he hate it that much? “It was in the bedroom. Edie gave it to me.”

He ran his hands along my shoulders and said, “Jesus,” again.

“I can change if you want me to.”

“No, please don't change,” he said. “Jess must have left that dress here a while ago.”

I clutched the green cloth. “That's what Edie said.”

He sighed. “She always left stuff here.” He picked up his guitar and strummed a chord. I still had so many questions, but I could tell he didn't want to talk right now.

More people were in the living room. I didn't know any of them except for Debbie. She sat at one end of the couch, wearing fishnet stockings, and looking like the most bored person in the universe. Some of the others were kids who went to football games and cheered at rallies. There were a few of the arty drama club kids too, and some kids from the tough crowd at school. I'd always thought of Tony as part of that crowd, but it was like he was bringing all these different types of kids together. And the one thing everyone seemed to have in common was they couldn't take their eyes off of me and him. I wasn't sure why. Did they hate me? Did they think the two of us were strange? I was relieved when Lizzie came up, took his hand and led him out to the pool.

Edie said, “Let's bake that cake now.”

We discovered two cake pans at the back of a cupboard. They had cobwebs in them. Even after I washed them, they still looked gross. We had no frosting but Edie said Tony probably would buy some for us. I smiled. It was like he was the dad. The only thing wrong was that Jess wasn't here. I imagined her returning, moving through the crowded room in her easy, graceful way. She would be the most beautiful one of all. With a weeping ache inside, I thought that she should be standing here with Tony in this dress. I wouldn't mind. They were meant for each other—even their recklessness was alike. And I would be so grateful to have her home.

As we were stirring the cake mix, Tony came back in and reached his arms around my waist. Edie gave him a hurt look.

“How's it going, girls?” he asked.

“Fine until you interrupted.” Edie pouted. “So what were you and Lizzie talking about?”

“The usual. She was worried about getting the baby home. I told her Moose would give her and the baby a ride later.”

“You always take my friends away.” She gave me a look and stomped off.

Tony stared at me. “That girl drives me crazy.” He smiled as though something was amusing. “And Caroline, just letting you know, you can't believe everything your loser ex-lover-boy tells you.”

I gasped. “What are you talking about?”

“Word gets around.” He tapped the reflector on my forehead. “Your buddy Billy has a big mouth. He's been talking trash about me.”

“What did he say?”

He sighed. “Things I'd rather not repeat. But I know better than to believe a word he says. I hope you do, too.”

I nodded. “He's always telling me not to hang out with you. I guess he doesn't like you.”

Tony shook his head. “I'm not one of those puppet people, always worried about what other people think. I've got to be myself, and if that means some people hate me, I don't care. Jess never cared about stuff like that, either.” He looked hard at me. “Is that all Billy said?”

I shook my head. I had to tell him. My voice shook as I spoke. “He said he thought he saw you with Jess in your car the night of the party, and that she was screaming.”