Halo (16 page)

“How are you feeling?” Ivy’s cool, slender fingers stroked my head.

“Like I’ve been hit by a bus,” I replied honestly. “I really don’t know what happened. I was feeling fine.”

“Surely you know why you fainted, Bethany,” Gabriel said.

I gave him a blank look. “I’ve been eating properly and taking all your advice.”

“It’s got nothing to do with that,” my brother said. “It was because you saved that girl’s life.”

“That sort of thing can really take it out of you,” Ivy added.

I almost laughed aloud. “But, Gabe,
you
saved that girl’s life,” I said.

Ivy looked at our brother to indicate that he should explain and discreetly moved off to set the table for dinner.

“I only healed her physical wounds,” Gabriel said. I gave him a stupefied look, wondering if this was his idea of a joke.

“What do you mean
only
? That’s what constitutes saving someone. If a person gets shot and you remove the bullet and heal the wound then you’ve saved them.”

“No, Bethany, that girl was going to die. If you hadn’t given her your life force, nothing I could have done would have saved her. Closing wounds can’t bring someone back once they’ve reached that point. You spoke to her; it was your voice that called her back and your strength that kept her soul from leaving her body.”

I couldn’t believe what he was telling me.
I
had saved a human life? I hadn’t even known I had the power to do that. I’d believed the extent of my powers on earth to be only good for soothing bad tempers or helping retrieve lost belongings. How was it possible that I had found it in me to save a girl on the brink of death? Power over the sea, over the sky, over human life, that was Gabriel’s gift. It had never occurred to me that my powers might be greater than I was aware of.

Ivy looked across at me, her eyes bright with praise. “Congratulations,” she said. “This is a big step for you.”

“But how come I feel so bad now?” I asked, suddenly alerted to my aching body.

“The effort of reviving someone can be very debilitating,” Ivy explained, “especially the first couple of times. It sends your human form into shock. It won’t always be like that; you’ll grow accustomed to it and eventually you’ll be able to recover more quickly.”

“You mean I’ll be able to do it again?” I asked. “It wasn’t a fluke?”

“If you’ve done it once, you can do it again,” Gabriel answered. “All angels have the ability, but it develops with practice.”

Despite my exhaustion I felt suddenly buoyant and ate my dinner with appetite. Afterward Gabriel and Ivy refused my offer of help with the cleaning up. Instead Ivy steered me onto the deck and pushed me into the hammock.

“You’ve had a very tiring day,” she said.

“But I hate not being useful.”

“You can help me in a minute. I have a whole lot of hats and scarves to knit for the thrift shop.” Ivy always found time to connect with the community, through small earthly tasks. “Sometimes it’s the little things that count most,” she said.

“You know, the whole idea of those places is that you donate your old clothes, not make new ones,” I teased.

“Well, we haven’t been here long enough to have old things,” replied Ivy. “And I have to give them something; I’d feel just awful if I didn’t. Besides, I can whip them up in no time.”

I sat in the hammock with a mohair blanket around my shoulders, trying to process the events of the afternoon. In one way, I felt I understood the purpose of our mission better than before, but at the same time I’d never been more confused. Today had been a prime example of what I should be doing—protecting the sanctity of life. Instead I’d been spending my time absorbed in a teenage obsession with a boy who didn’t really know anything about me. Poor Xavier, I thought. He would never be able to understand me, no matter how hard he tried. It wasn’t his fault. He could only know as much as I allowed him to know. I was so busy trying to keep up my façade that I hadn’t considered that sooner or later it would all have to come undone. Xavier was tied to a human life and an existence I could never be part of. The satisfaction I felt at my success that afternoon faded, and I was left feeling strangely numb.

His Kiss

Sunday mass was the only time I felt I could truly reconnect with my home. Kneeling in the pews and listening to the chords of “Agnus Dei” brought me back to my former self. There was an airy tranquility inside the church that couldn’t be found anywhere else. It was cool and calm, like being at the bottom of the ocean, and I always felt that as soon as I stepped through its doors, I was in a safe place. Ivy and I were altar servers on Sunday, and Gabriel helped Father Mel in giving out Holy Communion. After the service, we always stayed behind to chat with him.

“The congregation is growing,” he observed one day. “Every week, I see new faces.”

“Maybe people are starting to realize what’s important in life,” Ivy said.

“Or maybe they are following your example.” Father Mel smiled.

“The Church should need no advocates,” Gabriel said. “It should speak for itself.”

“It doesn’t matter what brings people here,” said Father Mel. “It only matters what they find here.”

“All we can do is lead them in the right direction,” Ivy agreed.

“Indeed, we cannot force them to have faith,” Father Mel said. “But we can demonstrate its great power.”

“And we can pray for them,” I said.

“Of course,” Father Mel winked at me. “And something tells me the Lord will listen when you call.”

“He listens to us no more than to others,” Gabriel said. I could tell he was concerned about giving away too much. Although we’d never so much as hinted to Father Mel about where we came from, there was a tacit understanding between us. It was only natural, I thought. He was a priest—he spent all his time trying to connect with the forces above. “We can only hope that He will bless this town,” Gabriel added.

Father Mel’s blue eyes flickered over us all. “I believe He already has.”

The next day Xavier had a sports meeting at morning break, so I spent the time listening to Molly and Taylah talk animatedly about a clothing outlet just out of town. There they could buy fake designer labels that looked so authentic no one would guess they weren’t the “real deal.” When they asked me to go with them, I was so preoccupied that I agreed without hesitation. Even when they invited me to a beach bonfire that Saturday night, I nodded my consent without really registering the details of the invitation.

I was glad when fifth period finally came around and Xavier and I had French together. I felt a rush of relief to be in the same room as him even though I could barely focus. I desperately needed to talk to him now, even if I hadn’t decided what I was going to say. I just knew that it couldn’t wait.

He was less than a handsbreadth away, and I had to sit on my fingers to keep them from reaching out and touching him. Partly because I wanted to reassure myself that I hadn’t imagined him but also because it felt as if we were two magnets drawn to each other; resisting was more painful than succumbing. The minutes crawled by, and it seemed as if time had slowed deliberately just to spite me.

Xavier sensed my strange mood and stayed seated after the bell, watching everyone else file past. While I put on a charade of packing up my books and pencils, he sat very still without fidgeting. A few curious onlookers cast glances in our direction, probably hoping to pick up some threads of the conversation that they might report back to their friends as juicy gossip.

“I tried to call you last night but there was no answer,” he said, seeing that I was struggling to start. “I was worried about you.”

I fiddled nervously with the zipper of my pencil case, which seemed to be jammed. I must have looked uncomfortable because Xavier stood up and put his hands on my shoulders.

“What’s up, Beth?” There was a familiar crease between his eyebrows, which always appeared when he was concerned.

“I guess yesterday’s accident just drained me,” I said. “But I’m better now.”

“That’s good. But something tells me there’s more.”

Even in the short time I’d known him, Xavier was always able to read my moods, yet his own eyes betrayed nothing of what he might be feeling. He didn’t look away; his turquoise gaze was like a laser boring into me.

“My life is pretty complicated,” I began tentatively.

“Why don’t you try explaining it? I might surprise you.”

“This situation,” I said, “you and I spending time together, it’s turning out to be harder than I thought. . . .” I paused. “It’s better than I ever imagined, but I have other responsibilities, other duties that I can’t ignore.”

My voice rose in volume and pitch as I felt a wave of emotion explode in my chest. I stopped and took a deep breath.

“It’s okay, Beth,” Xavier said. “I know you have a secret.”

I felt a sudden icy fear take hold of me, but at the same time a flooding relief. If Xavier already knew I was a fraud and a liar, it meant I’d failed completely in all aspects of our mission. Rule number one for all Agents of Light was to keep our identity a secret as we worked to piece the world back together—exposure could result in all kinds of chaos. But then again, it could also mean that Xavier had chosen to accept me anyway and the truth might not drive him away.

“You do?” I whispered.

He shrugged. “It’s obvious you’re hiding something. I don’t know what it is, but I know it’s upsetting you.”

I didn’t answer immediately. More than anything I wanted to tell him everything, to let all my secrets and fears pour out like wine from a spilled bottle, staining everything in their path.

“I understand that for one reason or another you can’t or won’t talk about it,” Xavier said. “But you don’t have to. I can respect your privacy.”

“That’s not fair to you,” I said, feeling more torn than ever. The idea of walking away from him left a physical pain in my chest, like my heart was slowly breaking in two.

“Isn’t that for me to decide?”

“Don’t make this harder. I’m trying to protect you!”

“Protect me?” Xavier laughed. “From what?”

“From me,” I said quietly, realizing how ridiculous that must sound.

“You don’t look very dangerous to me. Unless you turn into a werewolf at night. . . .”

“I’m just not what I seem.” I shrank away from him, as if trying to hide myself from the truth. My whole body felt weak and drained of energy. I sagged against a wall, unable to meet his gaze.

“No one is. Look, you think I haven’t figured out there’s something different about you? All I have to do is look at you.”

“What is it?” I asked curiously.

“I’m not sure,” he said. “But I know it’s what I like about you.”

“What I’m trying to tell you is that just because you like me doesn’t make me what you want or need.”

“What do you think I need?”

“Someone you can have an honest relationship with. What’s the point otherwise?”

“Are you trying to tell me that person can’t be you?” Xavier’s expression was unreadable. His face appeared completely impassive—wiped of all emotion. I supposed that after everything he’d been through, he wasn’t the type to wear his heart on his sleeve.

I knew he was trying to make it easier for me, but the bluntness of his question had the opposite effect. Now that the idea was out in the open, it sounded far too final. I was still struggling to find the right words, and I worried that my silence might come across as indifference.

“It’s okay,” Xavier continued. “I know it can’t be easy for you, and I don’t want to make things harder. Would it be helpful if I kept my distance for a while?”

How fickle and contradictory were human emotions! I’d spent the last few minutes trying to suggest this very idea but now found myself devastated by his readiness to walk away, even if his motivation was my well-being. I wasn’t sure what reaction I’d expected, but this wasn’t it. Did I want to see him drop to his knees and declare his undying love? Of course he wasn’t going to do that, but I couldn’t let him walk away. I didn’t think I’d be able to stand it.

“So that’s it then?” I choked out. “I won’t see you anymore?”

Xavier looked confused. “Hang on—isn’t that what you want?”

“Is that
all
you’re going to say?” I demanded. “You’re not even going to try and change my mind?”

“Do you want me to try and change your mind?” His quizzical, affectionate smile was back.

I paused to think. I knew what I should say. A simple no would end it all and return things to how they’d been before the moment we met in the corridor outside the chemistry lab, when I’d been trying to avoid glowing in the dark. But I couldn’t bring myself to say it. It would be a lie.

“Maybe that’s exactly what I want you to do,” I said slowly.

“Beth, it sounds to me like you don’t know what you want,” Xavier said softly. He reached up and used his thumb to wipe away a tear that was snaking its way down my cheek.

“I don’t want to complicate your life,” I sniffed, realizing how irrational I must be sounding. “You’re the one who said you preferred things to be clear-cut.”

“I was talking about subjects, not people. Maybe I wouldn’t mind a bit of complication,” he said. “Straightforward relationships are overrated.”

I groaned in frustration. “You really do have an answer for everything.”

“What can I say? It’s a gift.” He took my hand between both of his. “I have an idea. How about I give you something to help make the decision easier?”

“Okay,” I agreed. “If you think it’ll help.”

Before I knew what was happening, Xavier had brought his hands up to my face and was tilting my chin toward him. His lips brushed over mine with a feather touch, but it was enough to make me shiver. I liked the way he held me; as if I were fragile and likely to break if he held too tight. He rested his forehead against mine as though we had all the time in the world. A delicious heat started to spread through my body, and I strained toward him, reaching for his lips again. I returned his kiss with passionate urgency and clung to him. I allowed myself to melt into his embrace and pressed our bodies together. His warmth was seeping through my flimsy shirt, and I could feel his heart beating fast.

“Easy, now,” he murmured into my ear, but he didn’t break away. We stood locked in our embrace until Xavier gently but firmly detached himself. He tucked a stray lock of hair behind my ear and gave his dreamy half-smile. “Well?” he asked, folding his arms across his chest. My mind was a blur.

“Well what?”

“Did that help you make up your mind?”

By way of an answer, I twisted my fingers into his soft nut-brown hair and pulled him toward me.

“I guess it did,” he said with undisguised pleasure.

That day taught me that I wanted more than his company; I craved his touch. There wasn’t a doubt left in my mind. I could feel my face burning where he had touched me, and all I wanted was for him to do it again. Just hours earlier I had truly believed there was no option but to cut myself off from him because I could see no way to make him understand who I really was. Now I saw that there was another way. It would be seen as a serious transgression and punishable by who knew what, but it felt less frightening than parting from him. If it meant sparing us the pain of separation, I would face the consequences.

All that was required of me was to let down my guard and let Xavier in.

“I want us to be together,” I said. “I don’t think I’ve ever wanted anything more.”

Xavier stroked my palm and entwined our fingers. His face was so close the tips of our noses were touching. He leaned in to whisper in my ear. “If you want me . . . you’ve got me.”

I couldn’t stop myself from sighing aloud as he kissed a path from my ear down to my neck. The physical surroundings of the classroom melted like snow in the sun.

“There’s just one thing,” I said, pushing him away with some difficulty. He was watching me with those piercing blue eyes, and I almost lost my train of thought. “This isn’t going to work unless you know the truth.” If I cared about Xavier as much as my beating heart told me I did then he deserved the truth. If it turned out that the truth was too much for him to deal with, then maybe it meant my feelings weren’t returned and I would have to accept that. Either way it was time for the charade to end. Xavier had to see the uncensored version of me; not the idealized version in his head. In other words, he had to know me, warts and all.

“I’m all ears,” he said looking at me expectantly.

“Not now. This isn’t going to be easy, and I need more space than we’ve got here.”

“Then where?” he asked, mystified.

“Are you going to the beach bonfire this weekend?” I asked quickly as students began to drift in for the next class.

“I was going to ask if you wanted to go together.”

“Okay,” I agreed. “I’ll tell you everything then.”

Xavier kissed me swiftly and left the classroom. I gripped the edge of the nearest desk feeling short of breath, as though I’d just run a marathon.