Handle Me with Care (19 page)

A raucous cheer went up that Evan felt detached from. He could hear himself making the appropriate noise, he could see his glass raised in the air, chinking into the others and then slurping the amber liquid of his light beer along with his mates. But the normality of a few seconds ago had come crashing down, and all too quickly his mate’s journey into fatherhood made him feel as though he had stood on the prongs of a garden rake and the shaft had shot straight up and smacked him in the face. What if the doctors were wrong? What if one testicle wasn’t enough to give him the chance to father children? What if the cancer had spread undetected and, while he stood here in this pub, was already ravaging other parts of his anatomy?

‘Can you believe Will’s gonna be a dad?’ Jack battled into Evan’s thoughts as they stood at the bar and placed their order for snacks and another round.

‘It’s fantastic. It looks like they’re up for a big celebration tonight.’

‘Hang on a minute, mate.’ Jack pulled him back before he could go back and join them. He felt like a member of his class caught doing something untoward. ‘You’re not fooling me.’

‘What do you mean?’ Now Evan knew that his wide, innocent eyes gave away his inability to act convincing.

‘This is why I really think you should tell them what’s been going on,’ said Jack. ‘They can’t be tactful unless you do – hell, they probably can’t manage tact anyway, but why don’t you give them the benefit of the doubt?’

Evan looked over at Will who, along with Ben, was building some kind of origami-stack with whatever beer mats he could get his hands on. ‘I don’t think now’s the time.’

‘It won’t ever be the right time, but they’re your mates.’

‘You’re sounding like a girl. Maybe I’ll have a word with Shelley, get her to give you the pants back?’

‘Don’t try and joke it all away like it’s no big deal. It is a big deal when you’ve lost one of your bloody balls!’

‘Tell the world, why don’t you?’ Evan hissed and led the way back to the others.

Will put an arm across Evan’s shoulders, a move most men didn’t try until they were three-quarters of the way to being comatose from alcohol. ‘So come on, mate, good looking guy like you, when you going to make some lucky woman happy?’

‘One day, mate, one day.’ He pulled clear of the man hug and exchanged a look with Ben.

Evan thought back to the last time they had been in this very pub and realised it was when Jack’s third baby, a daughter, was born. They had come to ‘wet the baby’s head’, although with their two other kids to look after, his girlfriend had texted him and told him that she could use a hand at home. Evan hadn’t envied their relationship then, but that tight family unit seemed so out of reach now. His mates’ voices echoed around him as they debated the merits of having girls versus boys, teen horror stories, home footy teams, being looked after in your old age.

A bowl of steaming hot fries arrived and the conversation about kids lulled, although Evan couldn’t stop thinking about fatherhood. He wanted children of his own, and he wanted them to have two parents present in their lives until they left home and formed families of their own. When his own dad died, he had felt as though a piece of him were missing. He had seen friends and their dads going to the cricket, the AFL, even heading to the pub for a drink and a chat. He wasn’t asking for the world, he was asking for something that many people took for granted; he wanted a future with a family in it. Somehow, over the years Evan had become a one man band, wanting to do everything independently, but that wasn’t what he wanted anymore.

‘How’s work, Evan?’ Simon’s question pulled him back to the present. ‘You’d be an expert on kids after spending a whole day with them, wouldn’t you? Maybe you could teach Will here a few pointers.’

‘I’m not sure how much help I’d be. I get all the nice bits, or so I’m told. I get to teach them all the cool new things and their parents get the tired-out kids when they get home.’

‘So do you reckon you’ll have them? Kids, I mean?’ Simon unwittingly put his size twelves right in it.

‘I hope so, mate,’ said Evan truthfully.

‘Make the most of it before you do,’ said Ben. ‘Because once you have them, you’ll be sex starved like the rest of us.’

Evan couldn’t keep it to himself any longer; this was excruciating. He should be able to talk about anything with these guys, and goodness knows he needed to.

‘I’ve got a bit of an announcement myself. I’ve been in hospital, for an operation.’ No point trying to put it delicately; he knew that he needed to get to the point. ‘I had testicular cancer.’ He wasn’t sure whether past tense was the correct terminology. Maybe it was wishful thinking.

Simon and Will sat in stunned silence, Jack and Ben sipped their beers thoughtfully. But once the questions started, Evan couldn’t hold any of them back.

‘How did you find the lump?’ Will asked. ‘Were you, you know?’

‘Trust you, Will. No, I wasn’t touching myself – not in the way you think – I found it when I was in the shower.’

‘Did it hurt?’ asked Jack.

‘Not really. I think once I knew that it was there, it kind of just irritated me.’

‘Was the chemo horrendous?’ Jack sipped his beer. He stretched a hand up and stroked Evan’s dark, thick hair. ‘You still have your luscious locks,’ he teased.

‘Okay, easy tiger, no need to touch me like a big girl. The chemo wasn’t as bad as I thought, but I was lucky. I only had one round – some people have it for weeks, months on end. It all depends on how serious the cancer is. I know now how grateful I should be that I found the lump when I did, that the cancer hadn’t spread.

‘Go on, Simon, ask.’ He noticed the hesitation on his mate’s face.

‘Have you been with a girl since? I mean, did it affect anything down there? Can you still get a hard-on?’

‘Bit personal!’ declared Ben.

‘It’s all right. You’ll be pleased to know that everything is still in prime working order.’

‘So is it just saggy skin left where your bollock was?’ Simon asked.

‘No, I had the prosthesis put in.’

‘Does it feel the same?’ Will asked. ‘Does it look the same?’

‘Jeez, Will, you’ll be asking him to unzip his pants in a minute,’ Jack scolded.

‘What about Maddie? What does she think of the fake one versus the real one?’ said Simon.

Her name in the air took Evan by surprise.

‘That’s right, men can gossip as well as women,’ admitted Simon. ‘I bumped into Ben in the city one day, mentioned I hadn’t seen you in a while, and he told me you were loved up with this girl, Maddie. So what’s happening with her, is she hot?’

‘Too hot for you to handle,’ quipped Evan.

How did Maddie feel about his fake ball? That was a good question. In fact, how did Maddie feel about anything, how did she feel about him? She practically ran from his apartment that night. They’d had a nice evening, even though he spent most of it dozing on her shoulder, and he had no idea why she left so suddenly.

‘So what’s the next step?’ asked Will, and Simon’s question about Maddie was forgotten already.

Evan took a deep breath, puffed out his cheeks. ‘Now we wait. Fingers crossed the chemo did its job and I won’t have to go back for more. The cancer looked contained and we got to it early, so the odds are in my favour. I’ll be on a surveillance program for around three years, so every four months or thereabouts I’ll have bloods taken, chest X-rays, CT scans.’

The men sat in silence; he’d scared the lot of them.

‘That’s it, I’m going home for a good feel tonight,’ said Simon, his face so comical with its lines of worry that they all burst out laughing.

‘I’ll try not to think about that too much, mate,’ said Evan. ‘But I think it’s a good idea, and for the rest of you guys too. Before all of this I never checked myself. I never felt around for lumps, I guess I never really thought about it. I mean, there’s so much publicity about women checking their breasts, but for blokes, cancer of the balls isn’t exactly shouted from the rooftops, is it?’

Anxious to steer the conversation on to something else, Evan turned to Jack. ‘Any plans since you proposed to Shelley?’

‘Actually, there are. And I need to ask you a favour. Would you be my best man?’

‘I—I don’t know what to say.’ Evan sniffed, feigning tears and patting at his eyes.

‘Say yes, you pansy!’

‘Of course I will.’ He’d been through school with Jack, and he couldn’t be more honoured.

‘Charming,’ Will said. ‘Just because he’s had cancer, he gets the sympathy vote?’

‘Get stuffed, Will,’ laughed Evan. He turned to Jack. ‘So when’s the big day?’

‘Three weeks.’

‘That’s close, isn’t it?’

‘Now this is the best part. Neither of us wants a great time lag so that our families start to interfere, so we’re heading up to the Whitsundays to do it. Hamilton Island.’

‘Nice, seriously nice,’ they all chorused.

‘After the debacle of my sister Lori’s wedding, we don’t want the same happening at ours. So that’s why the short notice, and that’s why we’re heading away from Melbourne. Most of the extended family will be too stingy to pay for the flights let alone the accommodation. I’ve already booked some rooms at a hotel for you guys, though, so no excuses.’

Evan had gone along to Jack’s sister’s wedding for moral support, and it was chaos from start to finish: hats with a life of their own, drunken speeches that didn’t even border on funny, a wasted uncle who stripped down to a leopard skin posing pouch. It was no wonder Jack didn’t want a repeat performance.

Evan left the pub that night feeling like a changed man. He had started the day in a pit of despair and now he felt amongst friends, ready to deal with life again. The only thing missing now was the girl he had fallen for: Maddie.

Chapter Twenty-Three

Despite the expected tiredness, Evan’s professional life picked up where it had left off when he returned to work two weeks later. He felt like Arnold Schwarzenegger in
Kindergarten Cop
, minus the loud whistle, when the kids all rushed at him on the first day, brandishing handmade cards and drowning him with their questions. Even paperwork at the end of the week felt like a reward for good behaviour, and he was glad to finally be using his brain again instead of flicking through mindless TV programmes, feeling sorry for himself.

Evan and his mates had made a pact to meet up at least once every month too, vowing never to leave it as long next time. He suspected that wives and girlfriends had been placated when they were told about his cancer, but he hadn’t minded. He was just glad he had realised how much he needed to be around people rather than burying himself in misery and the four walls of his apartment. Since the chemotherapy session the cancer, so far, hadn’t dared to rear its ugly head again, and Evan had even made a return to running, completing the Tan Track in a half decent time twice that week.

On Friday morning, his mind had already escaped up the east coast of Australia to the Whitsundays even before the sun had battled its way to the uppermost rungs in the sky, and with the feeling of freedom that came with that, he ran around Albert Park Lake and decided that it was time he got in touch with Maddie.

Back at his apartment he tried her phone, but there was no answer. He tried once more, after school that day, before he hopped into the cab to go to the airport, then again just before he boarded the plane. He hoped this didn’t mean she was ignoring his calls; he at least wanted the chance to talk to her to explain why he hadn’t been in touch, to let her explain why she had left him so abruptly that night.

He relaxed back in his seat as the plane taxied down the runway and hoped that when he finally got in touch with Maddie again, she would still want to talk to him.

*

Maddie looked amongst the collection of suitcases that had been unloaded from the flight and set down in the allocated area outside Hamilton Island’s tiny airport. It didn’t take long to spot hers with its red and white polka dot bow wound around the handle, and Ally’s did the absolute opposite of blending in: it was fluro pink and in a league of its own. 

‘Welcome to paradise.’ Ally breathed in the island air layered with warmth as they were ushered on to an awaiting minibus that would take them to their apartment. ‘The boys got here yesterday, so I hope they haven’t trashed the place already.’

They found two seats across the aisle from each other and Maddie couldn’t tear her gaze away from the window as the bus bumped its way up hills and down the other side, turning left, right, like a ball falling about on a crazy golf course. Thin roads were surrounded by the lush green of a tropical paradise, and the heat seeped through the glass. Local palm trees swayed gently in the breeze, the late-afternoon sun danced off the leaves, and as they made their way around the small island towards the accommodation, Maddie watched golf buggies zip to and fro in place of cars that weren’t permitted on this small, approximately five kilometre squared island. 

‘This place is beautiful,’ said Maddie.

‘Sure is.’ Ally smiled over at her friend. ‘I’m so glad you came.’

Joel was already waiting when the minibus swung round a corner and stopped outside the apartment complex. Ally yelped with excitement and rushed for him, leaving Maddie to wheel both suitcases.

‘Here, let me help you with those,’ Joel apologised on behalf of his girlfriend.

‘Sorry, I’m a bit excited,’ Ally said sheepishly.

‘You’re allowed to be.’ Maddie didn’t mind really. Already she could feel the sun soaking into her skin, and she didn’t want the kiss of paradise to end when they drifted into the shade outside the front door and into the open-plan kitchen and lounge. She felt her heart surge when she looked out to the balcony and Josh raised his hand in greeting. She hoped that he wouldn’t make this too uncomfortable.

‘You’re in the end room,’ said Ally, taking charge of the luggage this time. ‘I’ll put your suitcase in there.’

‘Thanks.’

‘Hey, Maddie, it’s good to see you again.’ Josh pulled open the sliding balcony door and picked up the T-shirt that had been draped across the back of a chair in the kitchen, pulling it over his tanned torso.

‘It’s good to see you too, Josh.’

‘You’d think they hadn’t seen each other for months, wouldn’t you?’ He nodded towards Ally and Joel, who couldn’t leave each other alone. ‘Can I get you a drink?’

‘That’d be great.’

‘We’ve got red, white, beer, or non-alcoholic drinks.’ He pulled open a few cupboard doors until he found the glasses.

‘I’ll have a white wine spritzer please.’ Her request met with a look of confusion. ‘Half a glass of wine and then top it up with lemonade.’ There didn’t seem to be any animosity between them and Maddie was glad.

He passed her the drink, and they headed outside to the balcony where Todd was soaking up the rays as though he had never heard the
slip, slop, slap
slogan. He looked up briefly to say hello and then laid his head back down again.

‘That’s an amazing pool.’ Maddie leaned against the balcony railings next to Josh. Below was a kidney-bean-shaped pool for the sole use of the eight apartments in this block, and with the beach a short buggy ride away it was like having nirvana at their fingertips.

‘Have you two been in yet?’ she asked.

‘We sure have. The water’s beautiful. We could head down there now if you like?’

Maddie took a long sip of the spritzer and watched two cockatoos bravely edging their way along the balcony railings, beaks clattering against the metal, claws doing the same. Their yellow tufts stood tall in the wind as they dipped their heads to see if this apartment’s occupants had been careless enough to drop any food.

‘Isn’t this place great?’ Ally squealed as she reappeared. ‘How about we leave these guys to it and go explore?’

Grateful to be rescued from Josh’s invitation, Maddie made a quick exit to her bedroom and rummaged through her case to find swimmers. She pulled on a navy and white tankini and then a navy and white striped dress so that she was ready for every eventuality.

By the time she was ready, Ally was already waiting in the driver’s seat of the buggy, shades pulled down. Her blonde bob swung gently as she giggled at the horrendous stop-start jerking of the buggy when she pulled away, and then again every time she had to negotiate a junction.

‘I love the way everyone waves at each other.’ Ally raised her hand at yet another person as she approached the brow of the hill, sliding backwards before she managed to accelerate enough.

Maddie felt at Ally’s mercy in this thing. ‘Concentrate!’

‘Back seat driver,’ Ally retorted.

They drove past the school, past the little white chapel, where they paused to speculate how beautiful it would be to get married there. They made their way down to the marina and the main shopping strip on Front Street. Buggies were parked in allocated spaces, just as cars would be in a regular car park, and the mode of transport iconic to the island symbolised the freedom and fun that Maddie could already feel.

‘Joel mentioned Popeye’s.’ Ally indicated a fish and chip shop. They journeyed on past a convenience store, a chemist, a collection of restaurants and then turned up another steep hill taking them in another direction. They pulled into a parking spot outside some of the larger hotels for guests who preferred the convenience of serviced rooms, food laid on, and without the independence of having their own place. From there they wandered down to the beach. A winding bushy path led them to an unexpected pool area with smooth rocks leading over to the calm aqua waters and pale golden sands of Catseye Beach.

‘Look at that,’ said Ally, pulling out her iPhone. ‘Photo opportunity, come on Maddie.’ They stood with their backs to the beach and, flipping the camera on the phone round and holding the device at arm’s length, Ally snapped a picture of them both with the sparkling sea behind them framed between lofty palm trees.

Both girls kicked their thongs from their feet and stepped on to the sugar-soft sands. They watched a handful of brave swimmers bobbing around in the freedom of the sea, the sun caressing their skin when they let it show above the water.

‘Let’s warm up before we even think about that.’ Ally pointed at the two men in the sea.

‘It can’t be that bad, they’re in up to their necks and they look like they’re enjoying themselves.’

Maddie pulled one of the plastic sun loungers out of the shade and towards the sun, lay down and pulled out a book, but it rested spine up on her chest as she looked down past her fuchsia-coloured toenails and out to the Coral Sea. Beyond the hot pink and lemon windsurf sails in the distance sat other land masses which she couldn’t identify, and she shut her eyes and let the sun lick her entire body, glad to be away from everything that was so familiar at times it was suffocating.

‘It’s nice to get away from it all, isn’t it?’ said Ally. ‘Uni is full-on at the moment. I needed this.’

Maddie was so relaxed she knew she could doze off at any second. She hadn’t realised how much she’d needed this time away until now. She’d even left her phone at home, so great was the need to escape. There would be no staring at Caitlin’s number, her fingers asking her whether she should call or not.

‘Are you going to give me the silent treatment all afternoon?’ asked Ally.

‘I’m trying to.’ 

The next minute Maddie felt warm, tiny pin pricks across her legs. ‘Hey!’ She opened her eyes to find Ally drizzling sand over her from between her fingers.

‘You’re lucky I’m too blissed out to go down to the sea and get some cold water,’ Ally warned. ‘Aren’t you reading your book?’

‘All in good time, all in good time.’

‘You know it’s great to see you so relaxed for a change.’

This time Maddie didn’t even grunt an ‘Mmm’.

‘Have you given any thought to getting in touch with Caitlin?’

‘No,’ she said flatly. ‘And I’d rather not talk about her if that’s all the same with you.’

‘I wonder what she has that’s so important she needs to give it to you after all this time.’

‘Didn’t you hear what I said?’

‘Ah, I chose to ignore it.’

‘You’re too nosey.’

‘Or maybe I
do
have the energy to get a little water from down there.’ Ally nodded towards the sea. ‘Look, that toddler has a bucket. I’m sure she wouldn’t mind me borrowing it.’

‘Ally, you’re a giant pain in my arse sometimes.’

The truth was Maddie was itching to know what it was that Caitlin wanted to give her after all this time, but more than that, she wanted to know whether Caitlin felt any remorse about what she’d said. Or, had she forgotten her words in the same way she had forgotten Maddie, the girl who had been her son’s world before he died?

Recently Maddie had felt as though she had seen a light at the end of a very long, dark tunnel that she had been burrowing around in for years. There had been cracks along the way, but nothing had ever brought her out safely at the other end. Did she really want to revisit the past?

She pulled down her sunnies and lay back to enjoy the light breeze from the palms standing like soldiers in a row behind her, the laughter carrying down from the busier end of the beach where it was water sports central.

The peace ended half an hour later when the boys made an appearance.

‘There you are,’ said Joel.

Maddie propped herself up on her elbows. ‘Did you get bored without us?’

‘Of course,’ he said as he bent down to give Ally a hello kiss. ‘Have you been in the water yet?’

‘You must be joking,’ said Ally. ‘It’s too cold in winter.’

‘Rubbish.’ Joel pulled off his cap as he waved to Josh and Todd, who were by now making their way towards them along the beach.

‘It’s a holiday.’ Ally lay back smugly. ‘You do what you want to do and we’ll do what we want to do.’

Maddie sniggered because she knew exactly what was going through Joel’s mind even before he scooped Ally off her sunbed and charged down to the water’s edge, ignoring the squealing and shrieks of ‘don’t you dare!’ as he chucked her into the water.

Josh was first to reach Maddie and perched on the end of the now vacant sunbed. ‘Ooh … she’s gonna be annoyed at that,’ he smirked. ‘It’s not exactly warm in there until you’ve swum around for a bit.’

Despite her friend’s protests, Maddie could see that Ally was now happily ensconced in Joel’s arms and they were dunking each other and play fighting in the water.

‘You going in?’ asked Josh. ‘Relax,’ he said when Maddie tensed and got ready for the fight. ‘I won’t chuck you in.’

She looked out at the sea, the waves gently breaking against the shore and leaving behind frilly lines of white foam, sizzling as the water retreated again. 

‘Come on,’ Josh urged.

‘Okay,’ she grinned.

She followed him down to the water, and when the ocean reached her knees the chill kicked in.