Hannah's Journey (11 page)

And as suddenly as the silence had descended, it was gone and the usual chatter and clang of utensils against tin plates prevailed.
As if it had never been,
Levi thought, and suddenly remembered the way the tornado had roared across the plains, straight for his father’s farm and just as quickly been gone, leaving
death and destruction in its wake and changing Levi’s life forever.

“Hey there, boss man,” Fred bellowed, spotting Levi from across the room. “Come join us.”

It wasn’t unusual for Levi to take meals with the company. It got pretty lonely eating alone in his private car and now that Hannah and Pleasant had moved out, Gunther had insisted on taking his meals with Hans and the rest of Levi’s personal staff.

Lily and Fred scooted closer together on the narrow wooden bench making room for him and he had no choice but to sit across from Hannah. Someone set a plate of food in front of him and filled his glass with fresh milk that he knew had been bought from a local farm.

“You missed saying grace,” Fred said.

“I was here,” Levi replied, unfolding his napkin and laying it across his lap.

“What a lovely tradition,” Lily said. “I was thinking, Levi…”

“Always a danger sign,” Levi teased, glad to be able to focus on his star rather than have to deal with the fact that keeping his knee from brushing Hannah’s skirt under the table was becoming a problem.

“I’m serious. We should have a prayer circle before every performance—nothing too formal. Just all gather round and take a moment to pray for safety and a good performance.”

“Then afterward we could do it again,” Fred agreed. “Then it would be a prayer of thanksgiving that we all made it safely through another show.”

“I don’t know,” Levi hedged. “Some folks…”

“Well, let’s ask them,” Fred said and before Levi
could stop him, he had leaped onto the bench and was banging his fork and knife against an empty metal tray that one of the waiters had been taking back to the kitchen. “Hey, everybody listen up,” he bellowed.

And because this was Fred and because in many ways the employees saw him as their spokesperson, everyone stopped talking and turned to hear what the clown had to say. In less than three minutes Fred had laid out the idea, allowed time for people to object and called for a motion, a second and then a vote.

It was unanimous and the company chaplain stood and volunteered to lead the first prayer circle that very evening before and after the performance.

Slowly, Levi got to his feet. He did not need to stand on the bench for he knew that every eye was riveted on him. He was, after all, the boss.

“One thing,” he said. “This is a voluntary activity. Anyone who chooses not to participate has that right and anyone who shames or intimidates such a person will be reprimanded. Understood?”

There was a general murmur of agreement and Levi saw that a few of those assembled look relieved. It occurred to him that he should feel comforted by the idea that he was not the only one around who had long ago turned away from the faith of his father. Instead, he looked at those individuals and wondered what kind of pain had damaged their belief in a higher being, a loving God.

“Father will be so pleased,” Levi heard Pleasant whisper excitedly to Hannah as he sat down again and everyone resumed eating, and the conversations they’d been enjoying before Fred made his announcement.

“Yes,” Hannah replied, but she was watching Levi
and the tiniest of frowns marred her perfect face. “If you’ll all excuse me,” she added, dabbing at the corners of her mouth with her napkin. “I want to finish those ledger entries,” she said as if Levi had asked for some explanation.

“And I’ve got mending to complete before the next performance,” Pleasant said, hurrying to add as she swallowed a bite of chocolate cake and finished her milk. It was clear that it was one thing to sit with the circus folks in the company of her sister-in-law, but Pleasant was not yet comfortable being alone with them.

Lily and Fred and the others followed the Goodloe women’s lead. Before he knew it, Levi was finishing his dinner alone after all as everyone left the long tables and headed off to prepare for their next show.

For the remainder of the week they followed the same routine. Arrive in town, unload the train, set up the circus, perform two shows and move on. All within twenty-four hours. Each night, Hannah wrote a long letter to Caleb and gave it to Hans to post the following morning.

She took great care not to talk too much about the circus and the friends she was making there. How could she deny her son this life if she admitted that she found the people and the adventure of the travel every bit as exciting as he must have? Instead, she wrote about Gunther and Pleasant and how much they were all missing the rest of the family back in Sarasota. She reminded him to say his prayers and to help with the chores and to be respectful of the people who had taken him in.

After a week, she had had no letter from her son. Instead, there had been daily wires from Miss Benson assuring her that Caleb continued to be well cared for and in good health and that he was anxious to see her. Hannah would carry the day’s telegram in the pocket of her apron and take it out several times in the course of the day, hoping to find some turn of phrase that would give her more information.

To overcome her sadness and worry, she buried herself in work. Jake marveled at her ability to get through what to him seemed a full day’s filing and correspondence before noon. “Ida had best watch out,” he told Hannah. “You’ll have her job.”

“Oh, no,” she protested. “I’m just doing this until we reach Baraboo. Then my son and I will return to Florida.”

“And Miss Pleasant as well?” Jake asked, not looking up from his newspaper.

“Of course, Pleasant and my father-in-law—the four of us.”

“And do you think the boy will try again?”

It was the single thought that haunted Hannah’s dreams every night. “I don’t know,” she admitted. “I hope not, but then Levi…”

“You know his story then?”

“He told me that he ran away when he was only a few years older than Caleb.”

“It’s completely different,” Jake assured her. “Levi had lost both his parents, not just the one, and he’d been farmed out to his grandparents and I take it he and his grandpa didn’t see eye to eye on his future.”

“So he ran away—and stayed away,” Hannah said.

Jake folded his newspaper, uncrossed his legs and
stood up. “Ah, now, don’t go down that road. You can’t know how things will go with your boy. My advice? Look for some way that you might offer him what he was looking for in the first place.”

“He wanted to join the circus,” she reminded him.

“Nope. He wanted a change—something out of the ordinary. The circus just happened to come to town about that same time.”

“Our life is pretty…plain,” she said, faltering for the right words.

“And yet from what you’ve told me, you and your husband and your father-in-law all left the farms of the Midwest and started over in Florida. I’d call that adventure. Maybe the boy doesn’t know that whole story?”

Hannah felt a glimmer of hope. Jake was right. By the time Caleb was born, the family was settled in Florida. He’d never known any other life. And then his father had died and there had been pressure on him to assume the role of man of the house.

“Show him his roots,” Jake advised, “and the kid might just find his wings right there at home.” As was his habit, he headed for the door citing some appointment that he was late for. “He’ll be all right,” he said as he left. “He’s got a good mother who will see to that.”

Hannah had gotten so caught up in the personal conversation with Jake that she had completely forgotten to show him some things she’d noticed while attending to the filings and bookkeeping assignments he left for her each day.

“Jake!” she shouted, but he just raised one hand and kept walking.

“Never mind,” she mumbled to herself as she watched him go. “I’ll take care of it.”

She spotted the ledgers on Jake’s desk. She could take care of it. She could look up the answers as easily as Jake could. She carried the heavy oversized ledger to her desk and set to work.

O
n his way back to his private car after seeing the grand finale and congratulating the performers on yet another stellar performance, Levi noticed a single lamp still burning in the payroll car. He knew that Chester had left early that morning for the next town to make sure everything was ready for their arrival, and Jake had headed off to town as was his habit. His friend was quite the ladies’ man and something of a legend within the company for his ability to balance multiple romantic relationships. Lily called him “The Juggler” and Jake smiled every time he heard her say it.

Truth was, Levi had been wary of having Hannah work in such close quarters with Jake, but he trusted his friend to know that trying to romance an Amish widow would be way out of line. Instead, it appeared that Hannah and Jake had become good friends. More than once he had heard Hannah laughing at something Jake said or inviting him to join the group she was sitting with in the dining tent.

Truth was, Levi was jealous of his friend’s easy way with the ladies. No, he was jealous of Jake’s friendship
with Hannah. Jake had mentioned some things to Levi—things about the runaway boy and about the dead husband that Levi hadn’t known. Things that Hannah must have felt comfortable confiding to Jake—but not to him.

He brushed the thought aside and headed for the payroll car. Most likely Chester had been in a rush to leave and left the lamp burning. Levi would have to speak to him about that—unnecessary lights cost money and these days the company could not afford waste.

Digging the keys from his pocket as he climbed the three steps to the platform outside the payroll door, Levi didn’t see Hannah at first. But when he found the door unlocked, he peered in through the barred window and saw her, head down on her desk, a pencil in one hand. Not wanting to startle her, he turned the brass doorknob and stepped inside the car.

Her desk was at the far end of the car so he turned on the lamp on Jake’s desk, then the one on Chester’s as he made his way toward her. He didn’t want her to wake up and see someone lurking in the shadows, and at the same time he realized he was making as little noise as possible, reluctant to disturb her sleep.

She slept with one cheek resting on a bent arm. Her breath came in even rhythmic sighs and her prayer cap had fallen a little to one side revealing the bun of hair that she kept hidden beneath it. Levi studied her hair for a long moment, recalling the Amish habit of a woman never cutting her hair—her crowning glory. And yet the only man who ever saw it down would have been her husband.

He imagined her sitting in her berth at night, releasing the golden strands from their bonds, shaking
it free and then brushing the length of it until it shone. He reached out to touch it—just one touch to know the reality of its silkiness. But instead, he lowered his hand to her shoulder and shook her gently.

“Hannah?”

She stirred and blinked up at him and in the amber of the lamplight, he thought she had never been lovelier. Her lips were full and soft from the relaxation that came with sleep and he could not remember ever wanting to kiss a woman more. For one mad instant he thought of pulling Hannah Goodloe to her feet, wrapping his arms around her and kissing those sleep-heavy eyelids, the flushed cheeks and those lips that had haunted his dreams for days now.

Instead, he turned his attention to the ledger. “What’s this?” he asked and was well aware that the desire he felt for her came out as gruffness in his tone.

Hannah sat up and righted her prayer cap in the same motion. “I was…I had some questions about some of the invoices and Jake had to leave and I thought that perhaps…”

“What questions?”

“It’s nothing, really,” she stammered, clearly unnerved by his irritable tone. “Have I done something wrong, Levi? I thought perhaps…”

He closed the ledger and placed it back on Jake’s desk. “The ledgers are none of your concern,” he said, his back to her as he tried to regain control of emotions that had, in a matter of minutes, gone from longing for her to annoyance that she had taken it upon herself to go snooping into his business affairs. “It’s late,” he said, still not looking at her. “The train will be pulling out soon. I’ll see you back to your sleeping car.”

Behind him, he heard her stacking papers and putting them away so that they would not scatter with the movement of the train. He heard the click of locks on the file cabinets and then she was beside him holding out the ring of keys he’d given her when she first started to work in the office.

“What’s this?” he asked, automatically holding out his hand as she dropped the keys into his palm.

“I do not wish you to question my trustworthiness,” she said. “I will work here only when either Jake or Chester are also here and they can unlock the files and such as I need them.” Without another word she started for the door. “I can see myself out,” she said. “Good night, Levi.”

Warring with his frustration that she’d made too much of this and his admiration of her spunk, he allowed her to make it past Chester’s desk before he overtook her. He spun her around and cupped her face in his palm. She met his gaze defiantly but did not pull away.

“You’re angry with me,” he said softly, his eyes roving over her features, memorizing each tiny frown line. He felt a smile pull at his lips.

“Was that your purpose then? To provoke me?”

“No,” he admitted. “My purpose was to avoid what I can no longer avoid, Hannah.” And he lowered his face to her, allowing his lips to rest lightly against her forehead and then move across to her temple, her now-closed eyes, her cheek and finally…

“No,” she whispered and the sweetness of her breath against his lips was like a warm spring breeze.

He hesitated, not moving. Waiting.

“Yes.” She raised onto her toes to meet his kiss.

Hannah fought against the guilt she felt in taking such joy in being in Levi’s arms.

But when he lifted his lips from hers but did not release her from his embrace all she could think was,
How can such feelings shared be wrong?

And yet she knew they were and she pulled away. “I must go,” she said, her voice trembling as she made her way past Jake’s desk to reach the door. To her relief, Levi did not try and stop her.

What could I have been thinking to allow such a thing? To invite such a thing?
she thought as she ran alongside the unmoving train on her way to the sleeping car. Up and down the track she could hear men’s voices calling out directions as they hooked the cars together and loaded the wagons and animals.

“Help me make this right,” she prayed. “Show me Your way and guide my steps, my words and my actions until I can reunite with my son and both of us can return safely home again.”

“Late date?” one of the women teased good-naturedly as Hannah boarded the car and climbed into her upper berth. She glanced over and saw Pleasant watching her curiously. “I was working and fell asleep,” she offered and was relieved when Pleasant nodded and went back to reading her Bible.

Hannah hated the half truth of her statement. Surely this could only lead to more trouble for her. She had allowed herself to believe that she could befriend these people and maintain her Amish decorum. She had believed that she could look upon Levi as a man who had
done a good deed for her family, a kind man in spite of his brooding and sometimes cantankerous exterior. She had believed that what she felt for him was gratitude.

She had been fooling herself.

She had fallen in love with Levi Harmon, and in his arms she had permitted herself to forget everything and everyone else and surrender to what she had wanted for so many days now. Not his kindness or his polite hospitality, but his tenderness and affection. She had wanted what she’d seen in his eyes as he bent to kiss her—attraction that comes only between a man and a woman who believe they are destined to be together.

And yet the very idea was impossible. Levi was an outsider—a man of the world in ways that she couldn’t begin to understand. He had wealth and power. His life was complex, wrapped up in the kingdom he had built and chosen to inhabit. His faith was shaky at best, maybe even nonexistent other than on the level of a polite respect for the faith of others.

No, she thought as she went through the necessary contortions to undress and get into her nightgown. She had lost her way just as Caleb had. She had permitted herself to be enticed by the colorful and exciting culture of life in the circus—just as Caleb had. But she was the adult here. Caleb could be forgiven for such transgressions against the ways of his people. Hannah would surely be shunned if anyone learned of this indiscretion.

“Only three days more,” Pleasant said. She stretched and yawned then carefully lay the ribbon bookmark on the parchment pages of her Bible and turned out the little light she used for reading.

Three days until they reach Baraboo. Three days until Hannah was reunited with Caleb. Three days to be gotten through and then they would take Caleb and go home. And by the time Levi Harmon returned to his fine mansion in Sarasota, Hannah would have found her bearings and there would be no reason for them to have contact ever again.

“Hannah,” Pleasant whispered leaning out her berth to tap Hannah’s shoulder.

Hannah thought of pretending to be asleep but she had told enough half truths for one day. “Yes?”

“Do you think there’s any possibility that Noah will live near Baraboo? That I might see him?”

Hannah was well aware that Noah was the young man who had come to Florida during the winter to visit his uncle and aunt. The man who had also developed the habit of stopping at the bakery every day that he was in town.

“I don’t know, Pleasant. What if you do see him?”

There was a long silence punctuated by snores and coughs and grumblings up and down the car. “I might stay,” Pleasant said softly, and Hannah sat up so suddenly that she cracked her head against the ceiling as the train car jolted into place and started to move.

The train had just started to move when Levi heard Lily shouting his name. “Levi, come quick! Hannah’s been hurt!”

His heart skipped several beats but somehow his brain remained active and he followed his star through several cars on their way to the women’s sleeping car.

“She cracked her head pretty hard,” Lily was explaining as they moved from one car to the next, the
rush of air catching her words and flinging them back at him. “There’s quite a bump on top and she’s dizzy and…”

“Did somebody send for Doc?”

Doc Jones was the veterinarian on staff but he knew enough human medicine to keep the company rolling. If one of the cast or crew needed something more, then Levi would call for the doctor in the next town.

“He’s with her now along with her father-in-law,” Lily said. “I also saw Hans and he’s wiring Chester to make sure the town doctor is available in case we need him. I’m afraid she might have a concussion,” Lily said, wringing her hands nervously.

The scene inside the women’s sleeping car might have been comical under other circumstances. Pleasant was standing guard over Hannah laid out on Lily’s private bunk in the front of the car. Doc was peering in over Gunther’s shoulder as several of the other women pressed in for a better look. But Gunther was barring the entrance and wore an expression that dared anyone to try and get past him.

“I can’t examine her, Gunther, unless you let me in there,” Doc protested.

“It’s not proper,” Gunther argued. “Tell my daughter what to do and look for and she’ll report.”

Doc rolled his eyes and then saw Levi. “Maybe you can talk some sense into him,” he muttered as he made way for Levi and Lily.

“Is she conscious?” Levi asked the vet.

“Far as I can tell.”

“Gunther, we need to be sure she’s all right. Doc doesn’t need to touch her other than on her face and head.”

Lily pulled a blanket from a nearby berth. “Maybe cover her with this,” she suggested. “It’s plain,” she said, meeting Gunther’s eyes.

“We should not have…I should never have agreed…” Gunther muttered to himself as he took the blanket.

“Here, Papa,” Pleasant said and Levi thought he had never heard the woman speak with such gentleness. “Let me.” She took the blanket from her father and covered Hannah from her chin to her toes, then stood aside to make room for Doc.

“How did this happen?” Doc asked as he peered into Hannah’s eyes and cradled her head in both hands.

“Oh, come now, Doc,” Lily protested. “You know what those third berths are like. There’s barely enough room to turn over much less sit up.”

“I sat up,” Hannah replied in answer to the vet’s question. “I forgot,” she added with a smile at Lily.

Levi could not help noticing that Pleasant seemed inordinately distressed, near tears. “Will she be all right?” she demanded, in what was her more usual no-nonsense voice.

“She will have a headache and a lump,” Doc announced as he instructed Hannah to follow his finger without turning her head. “But I would say she’ll live.”

Several of the women tittered with nervous relief at this news and started to wander back toward their own berths. Lily leaned in to Hannah. “You sleep here tonight, honey,” she said. “I’ll take your berth.”

“I couldn’t,” Hannah protested, attempting to get up, but clearly a wave of dizziness prevented her from making it any farther than to a half sitting position before Pleasant eased her back down to the pile of
pillows covered in satins and silks at the head of Lily’s berth.

“I’ll stay with you,” Pleasant assured her. “Thank you, Lily.”

“Hans has made arrangements for her to be seen by the town doctor as soon as we arrive tomorrow,” Levi assured Gunther, although he had no idea whether or not Hans had been able to make such arrangements. “Until then…”

“Until then,” Lily said as she corralled the three males toward the exit, “we’ve got things under control. Good night, gentlemen.”

Levi had had every intention of taking up a position in the seat across from Lily’s private berth for the night. It was separated from the rest of the sleeping car by the small toilet and galley and Pleasant would be right there. “I…” he protested.