Happily Ever Never (15 page)

Chapter 24

Redemption isn’t always something we recognize.

Some people go through their whole lives thinking there’s no hope. I think for a long time that’s how Vince felt about his. He’d made a lot of wrongs. There was no going back. What’s done was permanent.

Maybe we were crazy. It was possible the last year’s events had changed us. Maybe we both desperately longed to hold onto Major, and we knew we could do it through each other. Maybe what we were feeling was only a façade.

I couldn’t explain what was happening or why, and I wasn’t even sure I wanted to. When Vince was around I wasn’t crying in pain or lonely. He’d filled a void. He made me smile. He’d given me a reason to hope for a future.

Sunday dinner was once a loud atmosphere full of people we knew and loved. The moment Vince walked into the room this time it was silent. They stared at the person they barely recognized.  The evident changes told the truth before they began asking. Vince turned to me and winked. I knew how difficult this would be for him. Since our kiss we’d not spoken about the feelings between us. There was too much else that was more important.

“It’s been a long damn time,” Vince announced loudly. “Go on ask me if I’m dying. Ask me why I didn’t tell anyone. I’m ready for you now.”

The questions began, and Vince answered every one, even when some people got overly emotional. It was hard seeing another person they all loved suffering and possibly leaving this world too early. I sat next to him knowing that no matter what they asked he’d answer. Vince was ready to stop hiding. He had a reason to want to fight. Whether I was that reason or not, I’d never take it from him. His strength would get him through this, and hope would lead the way.

After nearly an hour of digging into Vince’s head, the family seemed to calm down. He finally admitted to staying with me, but only until he found his own place. I had to swallow back the lump in my throat when I considered that happening. It was terrible how dependent I’d become on him, how much I wanted him close to me.

Before we left, Vicki pulled us aside. She wished Vince well during his treatment and made sure to remind me to call her if I need something while he was gone.

I think she was still curious to the dynamics of our relationship, considering there had been a time when I hated him with a passion. Now the only passion I felt was when he was close to me.

The ride home was different than the one we’d taken to get there. Vince was happy. He took my hand and kissed it, much like Major used to do. A part of me felt terrible for thinking about him in that moment I was sharing with Vince, but I suppose it was going to happen many more times, no matter how I tried to fight it. “You were right, Bails. I feel better. I’m glad they know.”

“They all love you. You should have never thought you could do it on your own. No one should have to do that. If I hadn’t gone to Pennsylvania you’d still be there, all alone.”

When we pulled up at the house and headed inside Vince didn’t say much. I was pretty exhausted and wanted to take a shower and put something comfortable on. The baby had been active at dinner and I was a little queasy. Before I made it to the stairs he was pulling me back toward him. “Hang on.” He just stood there staring into my eyes. “I just want to have a moment to think about when we’re apart.”

My heart was pounding, and I felt breathless with anticipation of what could happen between us. Was he going to kiss me again? Had I enjoyed the first one so much that I wanted another? Why couldn’t I stop this? “We’ve had moments you could think about.”

“Yeah, I think I need another.” He inched his lips closer to mine, his eyes closing halfway there, as if he was confident I’d allow it. I felt his hands coming up on my belly, staying there as if to hold onto both of us. I couldn’t refuse him. Our mouths collided and I was once again kissing Vince. Just like the first time, our tongues mingled and danced. It lasted until my knees became weak. When I pulled away, I watched his eyes slowly opening. “Good night, Bailey.”

I smiled and appreciated that he never pushed me for more. I put out my hand and took his. “I’d like something to think about while you’re gone too.”

“What’s that?” He rubbed my fingers with his thumb while still holding my hand.

“I want you to hold me, Vince. Can you do that, just for tonight? Will you lay next to me and keep me close?”

“Are you sure about that?” I liked how he wanted to double check.

He was kind to give me a second to reconsider. “Yes. I don’t want to be upstairs knowing you’re alone tonight.”

He sighed and then kissed my forehead. “Go up and get changed. I’ll be down here in my room. Make sure you strap on a chastity belt. I might not be able to control myself once we’re under the covers,” he laughed at his own comment. “I’m kidding. We’ll keep it on a friend level, I promise.”

When I got halfway upstairs I smiled. Vince knew I’d feel uncomfortable being in Major’s bed. He did know me well. It was yet another reason why it was so easy being close to him.

I stood in the shower for a while thinking about what it would be like to give myself to another man. Our blooming relationship was taking me by surprise. I struggled to know what was real and how much of it could have been from desperation.

I have to admit hesitating a few times when making my way back downstairs. It wasn’t that I didn’t trust Vince. I only worried what else could happen that I’d be confused about. I didn’t want intimacy. It was about companionship. When I finally made my way downstairs Vince was sitting shirtless in his bed. He’d propped his head up with pillows and was searching through the channels for something to watch. He turned the volume down as I approached the bed. It was hard focusing on climbing in when I couldn’t take my eyes off his chest. Sure, he’d lost a lot of bulky weight, but he was still defined. Unlike Major, Vince didn’t have much hair on his body. I’d thought he shaved it when we first met. A lot of physique guys did. “Did the chemo make your chest hair thinner?”

“Na. I never had much.” He patted the spot beside him, breaking my focus. “Hop on in. I promise not to bite.”

I tapped on my mouth. “I’m not so sure about that.”

He crossed his arms. “I’ll stay like this the whole time if you want.”

I brought one knee up and then the next, climbing in beside him. “This is kind of weird, huh?” I asked once my legs were under the covers.

“We’re just two people sharing a bed. I could be naked. That would be weird.”

I shoved him lightly. “You better have shorts on.”

“Maybe you should check,” he taunted.

When I started to climb back out of bed he grabbed me. “Hang on. I promise I’m dressed. If I need to put a shirt on I can.”

I fell backwards and began to laugh. There we were, two grown adults acting like teenagers. Vince calmed down and placed one hand on my stomach after turning on his side. “I’m going to miss feeling this little guy kicking around. He better not come out until I’m home.”

I appreciated how much Vince wanted to be a part of my pregnancy. Our eyes met, and I was right back to the moment where we’d kissed again. “I think we should talk about Major for a little while.”

Vince shook his head and let out an air-filled laugh. “Are you scared what might happen if we don’t?”

“Pretty much.”

“Nothing’s going to happen, Bails. I like the idea of holding you tonight. If you’re uncomfortable we can forget about it. I’ll leave it up to you. Just know, I’m not the same man I used to be. When they took the boys I lost my desire to be intimate. Honestly, I’m afraid it might not work anymore.”

“They have pills for that.”

He stroked the side of my face. “I didn’t think I’d ever need it again.”

Hearing him discussing sex was making a part of me hot, one that shouldn’t have been responding at all. What I also couldn’t grasp was the fact that I wasn’t appalled at the idea.

I rolled on my side to face him and ran my hands through his steadily growing head of hair. “How can you want to be close to me when I’m carrying someone else’s child?”

“Bailey, it’s easy, because I love both his parents.”

I closed my eyes and accepted his feelings for me. “I need this treatment to work, Vince. I don’t want to lose you too,” I said while getting emotional. Vince scooted closer, pulling me against his chest. “I’m scared.”

“Me too. Trust me. I thought my life was over. I never expected you to walk into my hospital room and change things. Every day I spend with you makes me want this more. I wish I didn’t have to leave, but if it gives us more time I’m willing to do it.”

I wasn’t thinking about how the family would react to us. I honestly wasn’t thinking of anything but him being in my life. My feelings had come out of nowhere, but as his absence was getting closer I feared the idea of being without him, and I hated it.

Vince adjusted his body so I’d be more comfortable. He held me close, running his hands lightly up and down my arm. “I’ve never cuddled. How am I doing?”

I let out a laugh in between tears. “You’re pretty good at it.”

It was quiet for a few minutes. “I’m coming back to you, Bails. I don’t like giving you false hope, but I’m going to come back to you. When I do we’ll try to figure out what’s happening between us.”

“Okay.”

Right before I closed my eyes and dozed off I heard him say something. “I’m okay if you never stop loving him, just as long as it’s me who gets to be there to pick up the pieces.”

Chapter 25

Did he really think I could leave so easily?

“I’m going to miss you, Bails. Don’t you dare go and invite another loser to stay with you while I’m gone. I don’t want to be replaced.”

We were sitting in the parking lot of the hospital. Vince insisted on going in alone, but hadn’t even opened the door to step out.

After waking up in his arms I didn’t want him going either. “I’ll hold your room, at least for a little while,” I teased.

Our heads were pressed together as we spoke. Tears streamed down his face, making me cry too. “If this doesn’t work we’ll try something else.” He kept rubbing my hands with his thumbs. “You make me want to live.”

“You’re going to be okay,” I tried to reassure him. “This will work.”

“Just tell me I have a reason to fight. Even if it’s a lie, I need to hear you say it.”

I nodded with his head still against mine. “You have a reason to fight. It’s not a lie.” I squeezed his hand. “I can’t lose you.”

He closed his eyes, but continued sniffling. I was losing it when he needed me to be strong. This treatment could determine his future; the one he wanted to have with the baby and me. Suddenly I didn’t care about what other people would think. In the past couple months something had happened between us that I was tired of denying. My love for Major was obvious, but I’d fallen for Vince too. How I could have such strong feelings for two men left me feeling crazy, but it was real. I was done pretending it wasn’t there. What was once pity had changed into something beautiful; something that could be more if we’d just let it happen. We couldn’t change the past, but Major would forever live in our hearts if we remained a team.

“I know you don’t feel the same, but I want you to know I love you, Bailey. Whatever happens, I want you to be with me for however long I have. If you can’t answer me it’s fine, but I’ll regret it if I didn’t at least tell you.”

“You’re going to get better. Stop worrying. God wouldn’t take you from us. We’ve already lost too much.” I heard him saying the words, but I chose to reassure him. I didn’t think I was ready for that kind of announcement. I didn’t think it was fair to say it and not know for sure.

Then Vince leaned over and kissed me goodbye. I could taste his tears on my lips as he pulled away. “I’ll call you tonight once I get settled. Behave yourself.”

He fetched his bag from the backseat and shut both doors. I let him get halfway to the building before I climbed out and rushed in his direction. I don’t even think he knew I was coming, he just turned to wave goodbye one last time and saw me approaching. “Wait! There’s something I need to say; something I can’t drive away from here without telling you.”

He placed both hands on my cheeks. “I’m okay, Bailey. You don’t need to.”

“No, I do, because the idea of you not knowing makes me feel horrible. Because I need you to know I’ll be waiting for your call every night. Because I want you in that room when this little boy comes into the world.  Because I don’t want to be without you. Because you make me happy. I can keep going if you need me to.”

“I don’t want to take his place, Bails.”

“You won’t, but I think there’s room in my heart for both of you, if that makes sense. I don’t care how this came to be. I don’t care what everyone will say. I know how I feel when I’m with you; how it feels to be in your arms.”

“How does it feel?”

“Right.” I smiled and looked right at him. “It feels right, Vince.”

His arms wrapped around me and held me there for a few moments. “That’s all I needed to hear. I’ll beat this for you. I’m going to teach that kid everything he needs to know. We’ll be a team, and I’ll make sure he knows who his father is, and how he taught me to be a better man.”

“I’d like that.”

He kissed me lightly on the lips. “I know what I feel for you is real. I don’t want this to stay close to him. I want you for my own selfish reasons. Tell me, Bailey. Just say it one time. Close your eyes if you have to.”

“I don’t have to close my eyes. I think I need them open.” I smiled. “I can’t believe I’m saying this, especially to you, my once mortal enemy.”

Vince smiled and shook his head. “Yeah, you’ll never let me forget it.”

“I’m falling in love with you too. It scares me. I didn’t want it to happen.”

My admission didn’t offend him. “I know.”

“I can’t help it. I can’t stop it anymore.”

“I don’t want you to.”

“Please fight for this, Vince. I’ll give it my all when you come home. I swear I will.”

“I’ll call your cell so you have my room number. Make sure you let me know you got home safe. Don’t eat all the cookies. I’ll want some when I get home, no matter how nauseous I still am.”

“Okay.” This was it; the moment I was supposed to turn around and leave, yet I couldn’t. I was unable to let go of him. I clung to his body while crying against his chest. I never got to say goodbye to Major, and even though Vince was going in for a powerful treatment I knew the results could determine his future. In so many ways it could be the end of something that we never got to explore. The idea of watching him die would in turn kill me. This was another reason I never wanted to love another man again.

“Get your butt out of here before you birth that baby. We can finish this conversation later.”

“I’ll see you soon.” I backed away.

“Hurry. You’re making it harder for me.”

I turned and started walking at a faster pace, crying harder with each step. Another little piece of my heart was breaking. That’s how I knew I couldn’t fight the feelings any longer. If Vince made me happy I needed to embrace it.

I cried the whole ride home for a lot of reasons. The first was obvious. I feared for the week Vince was about to endure. I imagined what life would be like with him, and without. I thought about Major and how he’d asked Vince to take care of me. Was this what he meant? Even back then did Major know Vince would change and be someone I could depend on? It didn’t make much sense, but I still considered it.

By the time I arrived home there was a message from Vince with the number to his room. I looked around at the empty house and felt immediately alone. My hand rubbed my belly, reminding me I wasn’t. “It’s just you and me for a couple weeks, kiddo.”

I was exhausted from driving, so after putting on some comfy pajamas I climbed into bed and called Vince. It took him a few rings to answer. “Hello?”

“It’s me. I’m home safe.”

“I was hoping you were. We’re all prepped to start treatment this afternoon. I’ll probably be too tired to talk tonight, so if you call and I don’t answer just know I’m fine. I miss you already though. I’m not used to being such a pussy. Do you know how many times I made fun of Major for saying those kinds of things to you?”

I laughed against the receiver. “I remember.”

“I do though, miss you that is. I can’t stop thinking about what we talked about, and if you were just saying it to make me feel better, I don’t want to know. It worked.”

“I wasn’t.”

“I’m okay if we’re just friends, as long as you’re okay with me always wanting a little more.”

Hearing him say that made me keep smiling. “We’ll figure it all out when you get home.”

“I’ll be sick for a while. The last time kicked my ass, and I know this one is stronger. I’ll shave my head before you pick me up.”

“I can do it when you get here. I’ll be gentle.”

“I’d like that. Are you sure you won’t be freaked out if patches are already coming out?”

“Is it that quick?”

“It’s pretty steady after the first couple doses. Last time I shaved it all off when it started. I couldn’t stand watching it fall out. There was a time when I prided myself on having a nice mug.”

“You did have nice hair.”

“It will grow back. Then I’ll enjoy having your hands in it again.”

I imagined it happening. “It’s quiet here. I think I might take a nap. Trey was kicking me the whole ride home. He’s finally calmed down. I think he didn’t like that I was so upset.”

“Please tell me you didn’t cry the whole way home.”

“I didn’t want to leave. It was hard.” I wasn’t ashamed to admit it, not to him. I wanted him to know he was cared about, needed even.

“It is one week, two at the most. If I can handle the sickness at home you’ll be the first to know. Go take that nap. Call me tonight. If I don’t answer try back in the morning before work.”

“I’ll talk to you soon.”

“Vince. I meant what I said earlier. I just want you to know that.”

“Give Trey some hugs from me. I love you guys.”

When we hung up I realized I’d begun crying again. Between the hormones and the terrible luck I had in my love life, I didn’t know how I’d ever stop. Thankfully sleep came easy, giving me the much-needed break from reality my body needed.