Happily Ever Never (7 page)

I was feeling emotional. “Major, let’s just go back to the room and get washed up for dinner. I have to meet your grandparents tonight. I’m nervous. Please. I just want to head out.”

He leaned over and kissed me on the forehead as Vince marched up near us. “How does it feel to be schooled on your own turf? I’ve waited years for this shit. Admit it, Major. I kicked your ass.”

Major pulled away from our embrace and looked at his friend. “This ain’t over. I was just warming up.”

I couldn’t grab him fast enough to stop him. Major was already climbing up the steep rocks for a second attempt, the whole time Vince egging him on, followed his brothers. I was outnumbered, and the only thing keeping me from freaking out was the fact that he’d done this so many times before.

With shaking hands I looked up at the top and saw the love of my life positioning himself for the jump. Everyone got quiet as he pushed off backwards and began spinning in the air, making three full circles before landing head first. From where I stood it looked beautiful. Even Vince had shut his mouth. We all ran to the water’s edge to congratulate him. We waited. I searched the white capped water, but he didn’t surface.

At first I thought he was kidding, playing a joke on me because I was freaking out so much. Then something twisted in the pit of my stomach, as seconds turned to minutes the beach filled with concern. We all ran toward the water, the men diving in to start searching. I was screaming his name, silently pleading with God and the angels to make this all just some convoluted plan to get a rise out of his cocky friend.

Then I spotted Oden, coming up from the water dragging a limp body on his back.

I couldn’t reach them fast enough, and neither could anyone else. We all crowded around his body as Oden and Tony started CPR.

I could hear the cries of his sisters, and the pleading coming from his brothers as they worked on him. Someone was calling for a medic, the twins screaming. I could feel Shawna offering me comfort while it was all transpiring, but I couldn’t say anything. I remained frozen in place staring at his lifeless body. I was terrified, lethargic, and unable to reach him. It didn’t take a doctor to know Major’s fate. His neck was broken. It had happened when he hit the water. He hadn’t suffered when his life was taken. In the blink of an eye, he’d left us. 

The love of my life was gone. He’d died right in front of us, and in that moment I felt a pain I never knew existed. My love was gone. My future was over. Everything was lost. Exactly twenty-four hours before we were to wed my Major had lost his life, our happy ending, and I couldn’t remember the last words he’d said to me. I wanted that cliff to collapse and fall on top of me, taking my life so I could be with my beloved. I didn’t want to stand over his body watching for signs of life I knew wouldn’t come. I’d never see his beautiful eyes gazing at me. I’d never feel his tender kisses. Everything I’d dreamed our future to be was gone.

I felt my knees buckling as I collapsed down on the sandy beach nearly four feet away from Major’s dead body. My sobs started out silent, but quickly became full-fledged wailing. I screamed and sobbed until everything started spinning. This had to be nightmare. It couldn’t be happening to us, not with everyone he loved so close.

Before I felt myself passing out I saw Vince. He had both hands over his head and tears streamed down his face. Major had died trying to impress him. He’d taken away my future. This was his entire fault. He hadn’t just killed Major. He’d taken my life as well. I didn’t want to live without the love of my life. In that instant I knew how my father felt when my mother passed away. I felt the crippling pain firsthand. I now understood why being around me hurt him so much. I was a constant reminder of what he’d never have again. Unlike my father, I wasn’t married to Major. We didn’t have children to carry on his name. He was gone, and I was alone. This was his fate, and nothing was going to bring him back.

The sounds of the ambulance didn’t comfort me or give me hope. His brother’s had already stopped administering CPR. His heart had stopped. They hadn’t gotten a pulse since they pulled him from the water. As they all huddled together coming to grips with what had gone terribly wrong, I felt everything getting cloudy. Then I just stopped fighting it.

Chapter 10

I wonder if people who’ve never lost someone can imagine the amount of pain it takes to bury the person you love.

Can they sympathize or do they only say it to make us feel better? Is it etiquette to say they’re sorry for our loss? Are they really? I mean, what can they do to make it all better?

Nothing.

From the time they put Major on the gurney and carted him into the ambulance I knew it was only downhill from there. I was given water and told to remain seated in case I became dizzy again. The atmosphere was chaotic as his parents and my father showed up. I’m not sure which one of the kids made the call, or maybe a local recognized us. At any rate I glanced up to see his mother grabbing on to her husband for support. Her eyes didn’t find mine until she’d been met by everyone else present. I’m sure they wanted to know what happened, but I couldn’t be the one to explain.

My father approached me and sat down beside me on the rock. He placed his hand on my thigh and patted it. “We came as fast as we could.”

I rested my head on his shoulder, knowing out of everyone there he could relate to the pain, just not the shock. He’d been able to say goodbye to my mother, unlike my time with Major. “Tell me this isn’t happening.”

“You know I’m not one to sugarcoat things, love. I wish it wasn’t the truth. Major was a good man.” Hearing him saying it out loud, speaking of Major in the past tense made it all the more real. My heart was being ripped apart and there was nothing my dad could do to stop it. “I’m so sorry.”

“Why? I don’t understand why?” I cried harder, accepting his strong hold when he buried my head against his chest.

“God, I never wanted you to experience this. I tried to hide it from you when I lost your mom.”

I could hear someone walking toward us. “We’re heading to the hospital. They need to make the declaration. It’s probably best if you both ride with Major’s parents. They’re waiting for you.”

I pulled away from my father but didn’t respond to Shawna. I think she could tell I didn’t have any words. I was out of rational ideas with what to do. Now I was being forced to go through the motions because it’s what was expected from me.

When we reached their car Major’s mom was in the passenger seat sobbing into her hands. His father remained silent, but I recognized it was because he was fighting back his own pain.

For the duration of the ride, I stared out the window, replaying the accident in my mind over and over. I could see the exact moment his neck snapped now, and I hated it. I despised knowing that the image of it would be forever captured in my memory. I’d never live another second without wishing I’d tried harder to stop him. I was the only person who could have prevented it. Major would still be here if I could have stood up to Vince. While hearing his mother’s sobs in the front I lost myself in the back seat. I cried for my Major, future father to the children we’d never have. The man I should have married. The person who would always hold my whole heart.

By the time we reached the hospital they’d already brought Major’s body in. We were taken to a small waiting area and told to wait. I knew it was just a matter of signing papers, but we still remained. My father sat silently. Major’s dad made a few calls and gave family members the horrible news, while his mother came over to sit beside me. She reached her hand over and placed it on mine. We leaned our heads together and sobbed in unison. Major’s absence would rock our lives. Everything we’d lived for was about to change. I couldn’t imagine what it was like for a parent to outlive their child. I was unable to fathom how it would affect every holiday and family gathering. I didn’t want to think about what burying him would be like. If he were my child I’d throw myself on the lowering coffin, begging to go with him. I wouldn’t want to wake up every day knowing he was gone.

I’d never been a morbid person, but the truth was that this was real life. He’d been taken from us too soon. Where I’d imagined growing old next to him, spending every night in his arms, and being the best wife was never going to happen. “I’m so sorry,” I whispered in between my crying.

When she began to say something the rest of the family rushed into the room, including two elderly people I recognized as being Major’s grandparents. I watched his mother rush to her own, letting the feeble woman fall against her in utter shock. I’d been sitting there wondering how a mother could bury her child, but never once did it occur to me that this was a grandmother having to go through it.

Shawna came into the room and pulled me aside. She led me into a restroom and handed me a change of clothes. I hadn’t even noticed I was still in a bikini, not that I cared. It wouldn’t have mattered if I was standing there naked. Nothing would bring him back.

“I can’t go back out there,” I confessed while she helped put both my feet into a pair of shorts.

“Bails, I don’t know what to do to help you. Just tell me what you need and I’ll get it. Honey, I’m so very sorry. My God I can’t imagine what you’re going through. I know how much you loved him.” She couldn’t even finish her sentence without breaking down. How was I supposed to hold myself together when even my best friend was a mess?

“Unless you can bring him back there’s nothing to do. He’s gone, Shawna. The love of my life is gone. How am I supposed to continue living without him? We had a life planned! We had a fucking life planned.” I tossed a sandal across the bathroom out of rage.

“I know you’re hurting and you’re angry, but you’ve got to be strong right now. The family needs you. You’re his link to him. You’re not alone.”

In theory I wasn’t alone, but in my heart I was. It didn’t matter how many people cared about me. The one person I needed in my life was gone. He was never coming back. There wouldn’t be another day in my life where I’d come home from work and see him cooking dinner for us. I wouldn’t have a movie date on Thursday nights that always led to love making. He’d never hold me in his strong arms, and soon I’d forget what it felt like to kiss his tender lips.

I burst into tears again, this time not holding anything back. I sunk to the floor and ignored Shawna’s presence. I couldn’t bear to feel her touching me, holding me, and telling me how sorry she was. Sorry didn’t bring him back. It wouldn’t. Nothing could.

It kept repeating in my head.

Major was gone forever.

His life was over.

We would never be married.

Having his children was out of the question.

I was alone, dependent on myself once again and it petrified me. I wanted him back, and I didn’t care how wrong that sounded. How was I to go on when all that I loved had been ripped away? Was I cursed? Did loving him do this? Was I doomed to be alone? Was he too good for me to have?

Nothing made sense. As millions of terrible questions floated around in my brain I felt myself slipping away from reality. I knew he was gone, yet I clung to hope that I was going to wake up next to him smiling and displaying those deep dimples I loved so much. I pictured looking into his hazel toned eyes and seeing myself in them. Major loved me with all that he was. Not many people can feel that type of connection in their lives. We were the couple others wanted to be. We had it all.

I don’t know how long I wept on that bathroom floor with my silent best friend next to me. It didn’t even occur to me that maybe she was crying too. Major’s death impacted so many lives because he was a good soul. He dropped what he was doing to lend a hand. That’s just the type of man my fiancé was. I wouldn’t let his death be in vain. If this was really happening I couldn’t allow people to forget that. He had to be remembered for the good man he lived his life as. He had to be praised for loving me with his whole heart. I didn’t know how I was supposed to get up off the bathroom floor and push forward, but when I figured it out I vowed to not let his death be forgotten. Everyone needed to know he was the man of my dreams; the one person in the world I was meant to spend the rest of my life with.

Chapter 11

How many times a day is it normal to think about the person you love? Does it ever become a burden?

Major had been gone for 7 hours and visions of him flooded my mind, so much that I couldn’t begin to come to grips with what to do next. His parents, bless their hearts, had already signed off on his death, claiming his body and getting information needed to transport him for burial. It’s amazing how quickly that process can work. I didn’t have any right to ask that he be buried in the states, and since practically the entire family was present for the wedding they decided to lay him to rest in the family mausoleum in Sicily.  Many folk in Italy and surrounding areas were placed to rest above ground for space issues. I remember Major’s parents talking about it a long while back.

It was wrong, while still being irrational and in denial, I started thinking about all the people having to go out shopping for something black. They’d flown to this country to celebrate a beach wedding. Now they were going to need to wear black and spend their time in a cemetery. The thought of it made me sick. I don’t know how many times I’d swallowed my own vomit since the accident. The sandwich I’d claimed to be the best I’d ever had was itching to vacate my body. I wanted to feel empty, because I was empty.

Much of the ride back to the hotel was in silence. I don’t recall looking out the window at the beautiful scenery. I can’t remember if anyone spoke. I was in a daze, dumbfounded and broken. I wanted a truck to hit my side of the car to put me out of my misery. Wherever Major was I wanted to be with him; I needed to be. I was despondent, weeping, and lost. I longed for it to all go away. I prayed to God asking why he’d take someone so beautiful away from us. I begged for understanding, and the ability to heal, because I knew the more time passed the harder it would become. People say time heals all wounds, but I don’t believe that. I still ache for my mother just as much as I ever did before. The fact that Major was my entire future made it even worse. I knew I’d never wake up and not need him; not long for him to be next to me, whispering sweet nothings and promising to love me for an eternity.

I had to be helped out of the vehicle. Much to my surprise my father was waiting for me. He pulled me into his arms and held me tight for a few minutes. In all honesty I suppose he was holding me up. My legs were too weak to communicate with my mind. I was slowly shutting down because it was the only thing I knew how to do. It was the only way I could be numb and avoid experiencing the brutal fate of my future.

Instead of being taken up to my room, my father led me to the second floor where he was situated. He opened the door for me, watching me walk in slowly. When a light brightened the space I noticed two beds, a suitcase placed on top of one of them. He quickly walked over and removed it, allowing me a place to sit. I didn’t though, sit that is. Instead I balled my body up and rested my head on a pillow in a nesting position. I was in too much pain to sleep, yet too emotionally broken to talk about it.

I could hear my father sitting down on the bed across from mine. He probably had his hands on his knees like he sat when he was thinking. I knew he was searching for words that would never come. The fact that he was caring for me would have to be enough. This wasn’t something I’d overcome. He had to know that from his own experience.

Some time went by before he turned on the television to a low volume. I knew he couldn’t understand a word they were saying, but I suppose it broke up the silence in the room, and gave him something to do other than desperately worry about my well-being.

While I laid there I thought about the moment he came into my bedroom and told me my mother was gone. It was two weeks after my fourteenth birthday. She’d promised me when she felt better that we’d go out shopping. I assumed he was speaking to me to inform me of the good news; that she’d recovered and had been cleared to live normally. I never suspected he’d tell me she was gone.

As the words escaped his lips I sat there watching him like a zombie. It was as if I left my body and was watching myself falling apart.

For the first few days I hated him. I blamed him for not taking me to see her more. I despised him for not letting me say goodbye. I wondered how he could have been so cold.

Now I understood more than ever that he was protecting me, or at least trying to. I couldn’t see it back then when I was naïve and needing to pin my pain on something other than my own traumatized heart. The day I lost my mother my life changed. I thought it had made me stronger. I thought I could handle anything. I believed that I couldn’t be broken again. Perhaps I’d just been in denial all this time. Maybe nothing can strengthen a person to that extent; where they are no longer able to hurt.

The severity of my loss left me aloof. There were moments through the night where I awoke disoriented, wondering where I was, and how I’d gotten there. It was as if my mind wouldn’t remind me of the truth. It wanted me to forget, even though it wasn’t possible. I tossed and turned throughout the wee hours of the morning. At one point I woke up to the sound of snoring and swore it was Major. I jumped straight up and looked to my left to find an empty spot. I became so emotional I had to go out on the balcony to avoid alarming my father. The moment I laid on the lounge my memories of the night before flooded my mind. I could still feel his warm body against mine; the comforting touch of his hands, and the way his lips brushed over my hair.

I hugged the front of my body with my arms, desperate to reenact that moment between us. I wanted the radiating heat to remind me of every second we spent together. I was desperate for that connection, because I swore if I held onto it I’d be able to survive this.

The sun came up far too quickly. It didn’t wake me, because I hadn’t slept for a single moment. I thought my father would come find me when he finally got out of bed, but it was Shawna who opened the sliding glass door. “Oh sweetie, what are you doing out here?”

“I couldn’t sleep,” I answered truthfully.

“Come with me. We’re going to get you cleaned up and I’ll stay with you while you get some much needed rest.”

I jerked my arm away from her. “I don’t need to sleep.”

“Don’t be stubborn, Bails. You have to rest to remain healthy. This will take a toll on you.”

“You don’t get it. I do not want to sleep, because that second I opened my eyes again it will all return. It will be like experiencing it over and over again. I can’t deal with it. I can’t see it happening in slow motion. It won’t stop. It won’t stop replaying.” I covered my face with my hands and began crying tears I didn’t think I had left. “I can’t do this without him. I don’t want to.” I knew confessing something like that was a red flag to someone that I probably needed help. I wouldn’t have blamed Shawna if she felt the need to commit me, though I knew nothing could help. Even the strongest of medications couldn’t bring him back to me.  “I’m going to live the rest of my sullen life alone. If you can’t accept that then there’s the door.” I pointed toward the slider.

“You don’t mean that. I wouldn’t let you push me away even if I thought you did. You’re hurting. I get it. I can’t even begin to imagine what you’re going through. I know you feel dead inside. I can see it from looking at you. You want to give up.”

“You’re right, I do. The moment he took his last breath my life was over. He was everything to me, Shawna. Don’t you get it? I have nothing now. All I want is Major.”

“Come on.” She forced me to stand up. “We’re getting you changed. Major’s mother called for you this morning. You need to be with her now. You need each other.”

I wanted to argue; to tell her she didn’t know what she was talking about, but it would be a losing battle. Shawna always got what she wanted, and in this situation she was probably right. I needed someone to relate to me.

“Fine. I won’t fight you.”

I don’t know why I agreed to it. Maybe I just didn’t have the energy to think it all out. As we walked up to the door with my room number I felt queasy again. If we walked inside I’d see his things, our things. I’d see where he last held me, the bed we last made love in.

Shawna opened the door and turned to see me refusing to take a step inside. “I can’t do this.”

“You have to.”

“No, please don’t make me. Don’t do this, not yet.”

“Would it be easier if I put all his things in the closet?” Hearing her ask that was like an alarm going off in my brain. I didn’t want anyone touching his things. I didn’t want housekeeping making the bed or washing the tub. Everything had to remain as it was.

“No! Don’t touch his things.”

She put her hands up. “Okay, I won’t.”

Without telling her what I was going to do, I took her by the arm and pulled her out of the room, then rushed inside, shutting and locking it behind me. With my eyes closed I leaned against that door, hearing her banging to be let in. She called me names and cursed, but I wouldn’t change my mind.

I took a step forward before letting my lids slowly open up. The gasp that escaped me probably was the last piece of my heart leaving my body. There wasn’t an inch of that room that didn’t remind me of Major. His watch was still on the bedside table. The bottle of water we’d shared after making love was half full next to it. His boxers were on the floor only inches from where I stood. His white linen outfit he was going to wear on the beach to marry me was hanging in the open closest.

I ran into the bathroom to get sick, even though I doubted there was anything left in me to come out. After flushing the toilet I headed to the sink to rinse out my mouth. That’s when I saw all of his toiletries. I snatched his toothbrush off the counter and sank down to the floor, clutching it closely to my heart. “Why? Why did you have to leave me? I can’t do this without you. It’s not a life without you in it.”

I sobbed uncontrollably, wondering if ending my life would be the best solution for me. I knew heaven frowned upon suicide, but it Hell had to be a better place than this. Without rationally considering what I was doing, and how many people I’d hurt, I reached for his straight razor and held it to my wrist. I had the medical knowledge to make it quick. I’d lose enough blood and fade off into a sleep I wouldn’t wake up from.  Maybe for just a second I’d be able to see him again; to touch his perfect olive skin and feel his lips on mine.

It was what I longed for; the only thing that would take the pain away. I just wanted to stop mourning. This was how I needed it to end.