Happy Accidents (28 page)

Lara and Jane at the Golden Globes, 2010.

Glee
took the Golden Globe that night for best comedy or musical, and I was happy as a clam to rush the stage with my cast mates. As Ryan accepted the award for us all, I stood in the back, just one of the group. Just the way I liked it.

When I was nominated for a supporting actress Emmy the following August, I was able to accept the nomination without having it rock my sense of self. I was even excited, and looked forward to going to the show. Then I was invited to be in the opening number, and I was over-the-moon thrilled. Jimmy Fallon was hosting, and the show was to open with a
Glee
-inspired song-and-dance number. The assembled actors were such a great and talented bunch of people that I was tickled to be included. I adore Jimmy and have found him to be one of the most gracious and lovely people in show business. Of course, the number also featured several of the
Glee
kids, including Lea, Cory, Amber, and Chris. The group was also blessed with Tina Fey (one of my comedic idols and my favorite actress on TV) and Jon Hamm (not only drop-dead handsome but a real goof). We pre-shot a premise piece about getting a group together to win a singing contest to raise enough money for the
Glee
kids to go to the show. Then on the night of the Emmys, we would perform Bruce Springsteen’s “Born to Run” on stage live, with Jimmy as Bruce. The fun of filming and practicing for the show completely distracted me from any anticipatory anxiety.

In fact, I was so engaged that I didn’t really even contemplate what I would do if I won. The night of the show, after the triumph of our opening number, while I was getting back into my gown, I came up with some talking points in my head, “just in case.” It turned out to be a good thing to have thought about, because Stephen Colbert called my name as the winner of the award for best supporting actress in a comedy. I remembered to thank my parents, appreciate my incredibly talented fellow nominees and the fantastic ensemble I am fortunate to be a part of, and to give a shout-out to my wife and Haden. It was also my opportunity to tell the world how proud I am to be an actor.

Back at work, post-Emmy, Ryan gave me another piece of good news: Olivia Newton-John had agreed to do a guest spot on
Glee
, and she and I would remake the “Physical” video. I immediately asked Ryan, “Are you trying to make
all
of my dreams come true?”

I am not often privy to how our guest stars make their way onto the show, other than the usual scuttlebutt about who knows who and how, but this time I was there when it happened. It had started back in August, after our summer hiatus, at that dinner with the whole cast and Fox executives where they told us our lives were about to change. I had been talking with Ryan when he pointed out a distinguished gentleman having dinner with his large family in the restaurant. “That’s John Farrar,” he said. He didn’t need to tell me that this was the guy who’d written “Hopelessly Devoted to You” and several other hits for Olivia Newton-John. Ryan and I were both huge fans of Olivia; in fact, he credits her with teaching him how to sing, from listening to his mother’s copy of Olivia’s
If You Love Me, Let Me Know
album. (I knew the LP in question quite well, having had that raging crush on her back in high school. At that time, I’d also replaced my boy-crush Ron Howard with John Travolta, so when I heard Olivia and John Travolta were doing
Grease
, I almost imploded.) Ryan suggested we get ourselves over to John Farrar’s table to “commence our campaign to get Olivia Newton-John on
Glee.
”

John Farrar couldn’t have been more gracious and welcoming. He was also shocked we knew who he was; Ryan and I were
very
up on our Olivia Newton-John, so of course we knew who he was; he’d also written “If Not for You,” “Let Me Be There,” and who could forget “Physical”?

We told him all about our new show, and then Ryan asked, “Do you think Olivia would be interested in being on
Glee
?” John replied that she was living in Florida now and very busy with her charitable work, but we should approach her. He said she would be thrilled that we were such big fans. I asked if he thought it might help if I told her I had named my dog after her. (On this, he was noncommittal.)

Mission accomplished.

Ryan sent Olivia every episode of
Glee
to date and a letter asking her to honor us with her talent and her presence.

She was a living doll, that Olivia Newton-John, and indeed, she was very moved that I had named my Lhasa after her. She delightfully took part in our making all sorts of fun of her humanitarian work, and we giggled our way through the “Physical” video.

In December of 2010, I was nominated for another Golden Globe, and this time they gave it to me.
As my category was announced, my fear of snaking my way through those star-studded tables to the stage caused me to plead silently,
Please don’t say Jane Lynch, please don’t say Jane Lynch.
But
when they said “Jane Lynch,” I thought,
You’re damn right, Jane Lynch!

I took that opportunity to thank the brilliant Ian Brennan, the creator of Sue Sylvester and the man responsible for every heinous line that comes out of my mouth.
He
is an incredibly nice and sweet guy who just happens to have a really cruel, supremely mean sense of humor. Of my and Ian’s relationship, the
New York Times
said
,
“
Behind most great comedic actors, the saying goes, there is a great comedic writer.
Will Ferrell
has Adam McKay.
Jack Lemmon
had
Billy Wilder
. And Jane Lynch, who won an Emmy Award last month for her portrayal of Sue Sylvester, the acid-spewing, narcissism-redefining cheerleading coach on ‘Glee,’ has Ian Brennan.”
I feel so lucky to be able to deliver his
deliciously brutal lines. I am forever in debt to this fellow Chicago boy who is eighteen years my junior (I realized that he had been born on the day I performed
Godspell
in high school). Among my favorites so far are:

“So you like show tunes. It doesn’t mean you’re gay. It just means you’re awful.”

“I’m going to ask you to smell your armpits. That’s the smell of failure, and it’s stinking up my office.”

“You think this is hard? I am passing a gallstone as we speak, that’s hard!”

“I don’t trust a man with curly hair. I can’t help picturing small birds laying sulfurous eggs in there, and I find it disgusting.”

“I never wanted kids. Don’t have the time. Don’t have the uterus.”

Sue Sylvester’s better half.

Photo courtesy of Frederick M. Brown/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images

I thank the comedy gods every day for putting us together.

In this run of celebratory fun for the success of
Glee
, there have been some events that have really emphasized to me how bizarre fame is. Foremost among them was my invitation to be replicated in wax as Sue Sylvester for Madame Tussauds museum. It was a high honor for me—and a tribute to the popularity of
Glee
—that Sue had become a television icon in one season, and I am not too humble to give some of that credit to myself.

In July of
2010
, Lara, Haden, and I were driven in a black limo to the back door of Madame Tussauds museum on Hollywood Boulevard for the big unveiling ceremony. I had gone through the meticulous measuring session a few months before; using ancient tools that looked like instruments of torture, they calculated every part of my face in relation to every other—e.g., the distance of my ear to my cheekbone, cheekbone to the tip of my nose, etc. They matched the exact shade of my eye white and photographed me from all angles as I was slowly spun around on a lazy Susan for humans. I was curious as all get out to see my person captured in wax. They ushered us very quietly into a meeting room where people were already assembled. I saw my agents Gabrielle and Mark, Ian Brennan, some
Glee
fans, and the well-dressed, lifelike, but completely still wax figures of Morgan Freeman, Halle Berry, and Tom Hanks, which just completely freaked me out. For some reason, everyone was speaking in hushed tones. When the museum representative requested gravely that “the family come this way, please” and led us into a waiting area, it suddenly hit me that I felt like we were at a wake. This feeling would only intensify when I finally viewed the wax image of myself. All I could think was
This is how I will look in a coffin when I’m dead
. Though I was grateful that they had made my ass look good, I was also glad that my own last will and testament specified cremation for my remains.

As they led us back inside after the unveiling, I saw two museum workers getting on an elevator with my wax figure, one guy carrying my red tracksuited body while the other one had my decapitated head in his armpit. Minutes earlier, I had wondered if there was anything stranger than standing next to your own lifelike wax figure. The answer is:
yes
.

Luckily, these surreal fame-driven experiences were more than balanced by the really wonderful family and work relationships that formed the core of my life. By the end of July
2010
, Lara and Haden were all moved in and happily ensconced in Los Angeles. Haden was due to start Wonderland Elementary in Laurel Canyon in the fall. We set up a temporary home in West Hollywood and started rebuilding my Canyon home to accommodate my new family. I had started working with an architect and designer a year before I even met Lara, as my little house was bursting at the seams with just me. It took an entire year to get the permits, so we were just about to break ground when the girls moved to LA. We would be adding a second story in addition to reworking the entire floor plan. Though I had no idea I would soon be married with children when I was initially designing my new home, I had accommodated for them beautifully. I wondered if this was a case of “if you build it, they will come.”

Though still in our West Hollywood rental, I can’t tell you how great it was to wake up every day with the people I love in my house, and the license to call them mine. My oldest niece, Megan, moved in with us as well. At twenty-five years old, my sister’s oldest child had become an exceptional human being with a terrific sense of humor. She also just adores kids and really embraced her new cousin Haden. I got a kick out of it every time she took Haden on an outing to Yogurtland and they came back giggling. Once, when Lara and I were coming home, we saw them walking down our block, holding hands. There was so much love all around, and I felt so at home.

One of the biggest surprises in my life has been the great joy I have gotten from becoming a mom. It didn’t take long before I pretty much had the hang of it. After all, I have a kid who loves to read lines and laugh with me.
Our current favorite scene to reenact is the
1960
s game show scene I did with Kristen Wiig when I hosted
Saturday Night Live
. Haden is obsessed with Kristen (so am I) and embodies her part in that bit to a tee. And just like me, Haden will work on a moment over and over again to get the timing just right.