Happy Ever After (34 page)

The way they were chatting to each other, Lily was clearly taken with Jimmy. She might trust him enough to leave him on his own in the house, and Tom could call on the pretext of checking to see how everything was going and get his chance then. Things weren’t going to plan. It was all very stressful. He didn’t have time to sit drinking tea out of china cups, rabbiting on about the ‘good old days’.

‘So are you going in to visit Judith this afternoon?’ he inquired as he sat at the kitchen table chomping on chocolate biscuits, waiting for his mother to make the tea.

‘We’ll play it by ear – isn’t that what they say these days?’ Lily declared airily, and he could have cheerfully murdered her.

‘So, Janice, if you could sort that for me I’d be very grateful.’ Judith spoke to her colleague in human resources with a much stronger, clearer voice than of late. ‘As I say, I think I was a little hard on Debbie about her increment. She’s not a bad worker. She was just somewhat . . . er . . . distracted, with her wedding coming up, I suppose. If I was at work myself I’d deal with it.’

‘No problem, Judith. How are you feeling?’ Janice inquired kindly.

‘Do you know, I think I’ve turned a corner. I won’t be back at work for a few months, they’ve told me, but I could be out in ten days or so, once my orthopaedic surgeon and the physio are happy.’

‘That’s great news, Judith. I’ll be in to see you later in the week, and I’ll bring you up to date on all the news, gossip and scandal,’ Janice assured her.

‘And you’ll make sure Debbie gets her increment in her next pay cheque?’

‘Am on it as we speak,’ her colleague assured her. ‘God bless, Judith, keep well.’

Judith exhaled a long, deep sigh and leaned back in the chair beside the bed. It didn’t sound to her as if Debbie had made a complaint to HR saying that she’d been bullied. Janice had been friendly and cooperative. There had been no hint of anything untoward. Ever since the altercation with her young colleague, Judith had had it at the back of her mind that Debbie might take a case against her. But that wasn’t the only reason she had asked for the other girl’s increment to be paid. Judith knew deep down that she’d behaved badly by withholding it and, while redressing the matter didn’t remove her guilt, it might assuage it a little.

Being called a bully had shocked Judith deeply. She’d attended a course at work about bullying only three months ago. Every employee in the company had had to do it, under their company regulations. She could still remember the good-looking, articulate psychologist who was running the course listing off a set of criteria which, at the time, hadn’t impacted on her as much as it had in the past few days. When she’d allowed herself to face up to Debbie’s accusation, she’d recalled that some of the methods a bully used included implied threats and persistent criticism, verbal abuse, and negative comments made in front of other staff. These were commonplace, it seemed. If they constituted bullying, she
had
to hold her hands up and say that was the way she’d treated Debbie Adams. Judith felt riddled with shame.

The psychologist had told his audience that most bullies envied their victims. Judith particularly remembered
that
phrase because she remembered thinking that
she
envied
everybody
. It was a course that held no relevance to the way she conducted her professional life, she’d felt. As far as she was concerned, it was a waste of time. It was only after Debbie’s shocking accusation that it all fell into place because, if there was one person in the last two years that Judith had truly envied, it was Debbie Adams, with her sparkling engagement ring and her wedding plans, and her attentive boyfriend, now husband. Yes, envy had been the reason she had halted her young colleague’s increment, nothing more and nothing less. She’d done it out of malice, just because she was able to. She had that power. If the truth were told, Debbie was no better or no worse at her job than any of the other girls under Judith’s command.

Her own psychiatrist had hit the nail on the head in a follow-up session with her the previous day, when he’d pointed out, in the nicest possible way, that behaviour at work was often subtly and not so subtly influenced by what went on at home. That was when she’d really started to face up to the truly unpalatable fact that she was guilty as charged. Judith blushed, thinking that, if the psychiatrist knew how horrible she’d been to a work colleague, he might not have been so kind and friendly to her. Maybe, some time, she might actually be able to bring herself to apologize to Debbie in person but, for the moment, restoring her incremental pay rise would have to suffice.

Judith sat quietly in her chair, glad that her sedation had been reduced to a minimum. It was a relief to be able to think clearly again. It was necessary to face all these issues, she supposed, because, by confronting them and dealing with them as best she could, she could move on with her life and not stay as she had been, full of simmering resentment, anger and bitterness. It was hard facing up to the fact that she wasn’t a very nice person, that she’d taken her bad feelings out on a younger, more vulnerable co-worker. Ever since her last session with her psychiatrist she’d excoriated herself, sparing herself nothing as she’d gone over all the times she’d been thoroughly nasty to Debbie. It made for painful recall.

Facing her dark side was pretty grim, the hardest thing she had ever done, Judith reflected, watching the sullen, black rainclouds roll in over Howth. But hadn’t Plato said something about the unexamined life not being worth living? She was certainly getting an opportunity to do plenty of self-examination these days, she thought ruefully. Still, despite the harsh and unpleasant truths she was being forced to deal with, it was a relief to stop running away from things, and to take responsibility for her own behaviour and stop blaming her mother for everything. For the past twenty years or more, Judith had blamed Lily for all that was wrong with her life, because she was the most obvious candidate. That was most unfair, the new, more self-aware Judith admitted. Lily was not to blame. That acknowledgement had to be a step in the right direction. Once, a thought like that would have been given short shrift. Feeling sorry for herself had kept her going all these years. What was she going to do now that she no longer had Lily to blame for her life choices?

We live in interesting times.
Was that a Chinese saying? It had just popped into her head. Her whole life was changing and, with that, came a change in attitude. That had to be a positive development, she supposed. The best thing to come out of her accident was her new, respectful, even tentatively affectionate relationship with Lily. Judith smiled, thinking of the phone call she’d got from her mother a little while ago.

‘I’ll be in later than I usually get in,‘ Lily had said. ‘I have things to tell you.’ She’d been quite mysterious, but there was a lilt to her voice that had never been there in all their years together. It was good to hear it.

Jillian had phoned her earlier in the day also, telling her that the guest room awaited her and not to be malingering. For the first time since she’d come out of her coma, Judith found herself looking forward to getting out of hospital.

‘Time for your exercise, Judith.’ Her physio poked her head around the door, startling her from her reverie.

‘I’m ready,’ Judith said firmly, getting to her feet with more alacrity than she’d shown since she’d started the exercise regime the previous week.

‘You’re doing great, Judith,’ the other woman praised.

‘I’m not doing too bad at all,’ Judith agreed, as she positioned her crutches and began her walk down the long and by now very familiar corridor.

‘You’re looking a lot better, Judith, and it’s great to see you out of the bed.’ Lily studied her daughter critically, noting the faint smudge of colour in her cheeks and the more alert expression in her eyes.

‘I went for a short walk outside today with my physio. It was wonderful to get a breath of fresh air. I just stood breathing lungfuls of it in,’ Judith explained, raising her face for Lily’s now daily kiss.

‘I’m sorry I’m late today,’ Lily apologized, pulling up a chair beside Judith and sitting down. ‘I had a painter in.’

‘You got a painter in?’ Judith looked at her in surprise.

‘Not me, Judith. Tom organized it.’

‘You’re kidding! What’s he getting a painter in for?’ Judith’s brows drew down in a frown.

‘Well, he came up with this notion that he would get your bedroom and my bedroom painted to give you a surprise when you got out of hospital—’

‘Don’t let that fella into my room, Ma. I don’t trust him,’ Judith warned agitatedly, remembering their last fraught encounter.

Lily held up a calming hand. ‘Don’t worry, Judith. I have everything under control.’ She patted her bag. ‘I know he wants to have a good root around. He was trying to get me to give him a key to get one cut, but I wasn’t having that. Does he think I came down in the last shower? The painter – a very nice chap indeed by the way – made a start on my bedroom this afternoon. Now, I can stay there all day when he’s there, or I can lock your bedroom when he’s working on mine. I have all my financial information and post-office book and the will in my bag, so even if Tom does get the chance to pry, he won’t find anything,’ Lily said triumphantly. ‘And the thing is, Judith, we’ll have the bedrooms painted, courtesy of your brother. I picked the exact colours to go on yours that’re there already. I thought you’d want that. And then, when Jimmy – that’s the painter’s name – has finished the bedrooms, I’m going to get him to do the rest of the house. Because, once you get your own place, Tom will guess something’s afoot, financially, and I’m very sure I won’t be getting any more offers of help from him. What do you think of that then?’ Lily sat up tombstone straight and looked eagerly at her daughter.

Judith started to laugh. ‘Oh, Ma, you’re something else. He’ll be going mad. That’s brilliant. The house was long overdue a painting anyway. Now, listen, there’s a beige envelope folder in the second drawer of my chest of drawers, and in it is a brown envelope that all my bank statements and savings accounts are in, and another one with my insurance policies. I don’t want him to get his maulers on it. Where could I put it?’

‘Well, he won’t really have a chance to look around your room, because I’ll make it my business to be there when it’s being painted but, just to put our minds at ease, I could put them in my bag if you liked,’ she offered tentatively. Judith was very private about her personal business, and she wouldn’t wish to step out of line in that regard.

‘If you wouldn’t mind, Ma.’ Judith patted Lily’s knee. ‘I’d be grateful.’

‘Thank you, Judith, for trusting me. You know I respect your privacy, and you need have no fears that I’d be nosy about your money or your private business,’ Lily said hastily, extremely pleased that her daughter would allow her such latitude.

‘Ma, at this stage in our lives, we know each other well enough to be clear that we wouldn’t go snooping. You could have done it long ago, and so could I, but we wouldn’t sink so low. Anyway, I’d like, when I get out of here, to go through my savings with you so that, when I take you up on your kind offer of putting me on the deeds, you’ll know how much I can put towards a mortgage. It’s only right for you to know, if your house is going to be collateral.’

‘Our house,’ Lily said, beaming with pride that Judith would confide her private and confidential business to her.

‘And, you know, I should make a will too,’ Judith said slowly. ‘If I had died, I would have wanted my money to go to you. I’ve nearly a hundred thousand in savings, after all my years’ working, plus an insurance policy. I certainly don’t want Tom getting his hands on any of it.’

‘Sure, that’s a grand amount to put towards a house or an apartment.’ Lily was delighted at the news. ‘Judith, you’ll be living like a queen yet,’ she exclaimed. ‘But then, you always did live frugally enough. You were never a spendthrift. And now, when you need it, it’s there for you.’

‘Do you know, Ma, I’m starting to get excited about it,’ Judith confessed. ‘Are you sure about it, now? I’ll stay living with you if you want.’ She had to make the offer for her own peace of mind. Would Lily revert to old ways and take her up on it? Judith almost held her breath. Had she scuppered her chances of a life of her own?

‘You will not, and ruin my chances of finding a toy boy,’ Lily joked. ‘Judith, nothing would make me happier than for you to be settled in a place of your own. I just hope you don’t move too far away. Especially not to the Southside. I’d miss seeing you.’ Lily’s cheeks were pink from her little speech.

‘Don’t worry, Ma, you’ll be seeing plenty of me, and I certainly won’t be crossing the river. The air is better over here.’ Judith felt a wave of relief, amazed that, after all the years of tension and antagonism, this lovely new gentle kindness had emerged between them. It brought a balm to her she hadn’t thought possible. For the first time in her life, she actually
liked
her mother. What a wonderful moment was that, Judith reflected gratefully, noticing how Lily was so obviously chuffed to be involved in making plans for her future.
Thank you, God
, she thought humbly, grateful for this second chance to get to know and love her mother. It was as if a huge burden had lifted from her shoulders, a dark and smothering energy had dissipated and she could breathe again, be optimistic about her life. To think she had passively considered allowing herself to commit suicide by not avoiding the tree as the car had careered into it. She would have died a bitter woman, estranged from her mother, and not known any of the unfamiliar but comforting new emotions she was feeling. She would have forgone this . . . this new friendship with Lily. Always at the back of her mind, since her father had died, she had toyed with the idea that, if life got too much for her, she would take enough tablets to end it all. Now Judith knew that, no matter what life threw at her in the future, she would never go down that road. In a strange way, it was a liberation to have made that decision. For the first time in her adult years, she finally felt she was in control emotionally, if not yet physically, of her own life.