Happy Kids: The Secrets to Raising Well-Behaved, Contented Children (7 page)

Tom is out of control, shouting and flaying his arms; he is very angry with you and not open to reason. Go to him, hold or touch his arm and make eye contact. Request firmly (and loudly enough for him to hear over his shouting),
‘Tom, I think we need some quiet time. Go to the lounge
[or any free room you choose]
and calm down.’
If Tom doesn’t do as you have asked, Repeat your Request more firmly, adding the warning of a sanction if he doesn’t comply –
‘Tom, go to the lounge for some quiet time, now, please. You don’t want to lose television time tonight.’
Tom doesn’t want to lose television time and will very likely do as you have asked, maybe stomping off as he goes (ignore it), or yelling that he hates you (ignore that too: he doesn’t hate you, he’s just angry). The important thing is he’s taking quiet time.

If Tom refuses to leave the room for quiet time after you have Requested, Repeated and Reaffirmed with the warning of a sanction, then leave the room, and take the quiet time yourself, telling him what you are doing. Don’t flounce off in a fury but say firmly and evenly,
‘Tom, I think we need some quiet time. I’m going into the lounge for five minutes. I’ll come out when we are both calmer.’
Obviously you wouldn’t leave a young child alone in the kitchen with pans boiling on the stove, or anywhere else unsafe, but removing yourself from the child has a two-fold effect: it takes you away from the heated situation, giving you time and space, and it also enforces quiet time on the child, allowing him time to calm down and reflect on his behaviour. And if you have imposed a sanction, don’t forget to see it through.

All adults need to walk away from explosive situations sometimes, and we often already practise quiet time without realising it. At work a woman might go to the ladies washroom for a cooling-off period to avoid saying something she might later regret to her boss or colleague. At home a man may go into the garage to ‘tinker’ with the car, or to his son’s PlayStation in another room. Quiet time is a useful and effective strategy for all ages, and our instinctive need to get away can allow a useful cooling-off period while we calm down and reflect.

Quiet time for your child should be long enough to give you and your child time to calm down, but not so long that the child feels isolated. One minute for each year of the child’s age is a good guideline, so that a five-year-old would have five minutes of quiet time. Don’t leave your child alone any longer, as it can be counterproductive, making your child feel excluded and therefore hostile; and don’t shut your child in a room. If a child slams the door of the room shut as he or she goes in, then open it straight away, but don’t go in during quiet time. If a teenager slams shut their bedroom door, then leave it shut until the end of quiet time, as they are telling you that they want and need their privacy while they calm down. But don’t leave a teenager alone after an incident for any longer than fifteen minutes (although it might be tempting). Too much time alone will create feelings of rejection and negativity, with the potential for resentment to build up.

Once the child or young person has taken quiet time and is calm, talk to him or her about what happened, but don’t have a lengthy debate; then hug and make up. If the child or young person isn’t ready to make up, and you meet more anger and verbal abuse, come out of the room without saying anything further, and try again five minutes later. And again five minutes after that if necessary. I have never had to repeat this more than three times before the child has softened and is ready to make up.

If the child or young person is calm and you have made up, but they want to stay in the room where they have taken quiet time for a while longer, that is all right, but don’t leave them there indefinitely. After ten minutes or so encourage them to rejoin the family and, if they refuse, try again ten minutes later, and again if necessary. You might ask an older child or teenager to help you do something, so as to entice them from the room. A younger child can be persuaded from the room by the suggestion of an activity, for example, painting or a jigsaw, which they do in the same room as you. However, don’t be over-enthusiastic with the activity, or your attention, immediately after the quiet time; otherwise it could be seen by the child as rewarding the negative behaviour that led to quiet time being necessary. You have hugged and made up, so just being physically near the child and talking normally again is sufficient; but obviously if the child seeks reassurance give it.

If your child is so out of control that he or she is a danger to him- or herself, or others, or property, then you might need to restrain your child. With a small child, simply picking them up and holding them securely, making sure they can’t hurt themselves or you, is sufficient until they have calmed down. With an older, bigger child, sit them on the floor, facing away from you so that they can’t kick, thump or bite you, and hold them close until they have calmed down.

Restraining a child is a last resort and is used only when the child is in real danger of hurting themselves or others. It is not a ‘pin down’ but an extended hug, where the child feels safely protected from his or her anger. If you have any doubts about restraining a child who is completely out of control, don’t. And if your child is often in a state where he or she is a danger to him or herself, or to others, then seek professional advice.

Play is essential for children of all ages. Through play, children learn and develop as successful individuals, and also as members of society. Play with your child, enjoy his or her company and interact with your child through talk and play. Working alongside your child, in play or doing small jobs together (which is a type of play), builds comradeship, cooperation and respect, resulting in fewer challenges to you and your authority.

Play is an excellent medium for swapping little details of your lives, showing your personality and building the bond between you. You don’t have to make great revelations about yourself: just talk about small preferences or make observations. You might say, ‘I
love that colour red in the flower puzzle. It’s the same shade as your T-shirt.’
You have shared a little piece of you – a small like – and your child will respond, revealing a little bit about him or herself – ‘I
like it too, Mummy,’
or ‘I
like that blue better.’
Sharing little details about ourselves is what successful relationships are built on; it is how children and adults get to know each other and sustain lasting relationships.

Encourage siblings to play together but don’t force them, and don’t expect siblings to play together all the time. Siblings, no matter how close, still need to do their own thing sometimes – even twins need their own space to develop their personalities.

Role playing is good for bonding, and also great fun. Playing shops is an old and enduring favourite, with the child, sibling or parent taking turns to be the shopkeeper. Play food and plastic money can be used, or tins and packets from the kitchen and coins from your purse.

Board games are great for teaching cooperation and fairness, but they also have the potential to degenerate into argument, particularly if a child is very competitive and needs to win. Teach your child from an early age, by example, that it is not the winning of the game but the playing that is fun, and the aim of the activity. A child (or adult) chirping loudly at the end of a game that he or she has won rankles me, not to mention the other children playing. I have a saying, passed on to me by my father, and to him by his father: ‘When you win, say nothing, and when you lose, say even less.’ I love this maxim, and children of all ages and abilities understand its philosophy when it is explained to them; I’ve even heard them repeating it to other children when playing with a loud, self-praising winner.

If a particular game has the habit of degenerating into argument, then put it away and get it out again only on the understanding that everyone plays nicely. Our game of Monopoly regularly takes time out. I don’t know what it is about Monopoly, for it is a great game for all the family, but it also has the potential for escalating competitiveness, resulting in accusations of cheating from even the most placid of children.

Obviously don’t allow cheating in any game; it is a form of lying, and undermines the whole concept of game playing, as well as sanctioning deception. If a child persistently cheats, then use the 3Rs to modify his or her behaviour, putting away a game away if necessary or stopping a role-playing game.

Playing fairly and taking turns is important for a child’s behavioural development, and in forming relationships with others, so don’t ignore or dismiss what might seem trivial. If the child has cheated once and got away with it, he or she is more likely to do it again. Request –
‘Tom, play fairly. There is no point in playing if you are going to cheat.’
Repeat with a sanction if necessary –
‘Tom, if you can’t play the game fairly and allow others their turn, I will put the game away.’
And do so if necessary, getting it out again only when Tom agrees to play fairly by the rules.

If you have a group of children all squabbling over a game, then address your Request to play fairly to the group –
‘Play fairly and take turns. There is no fun in playing that game if you are all going to argue.’
Repeat, with the warning of the sanction if necessary; if this fails, then take the game away and find something else to amuse them with.

As well as playing with your child, be playful. Many situations can be lightened by a playful word or comment, and it’s lovely for your child to see your sense of humour. Your child will pick up and imitate your humour, just as he or she does your other behaviour. I have found that even children with severe learning difficulties, and those who carry a heavy burden from previous abuse, can tune in and respond to humour. It is heart-warming to see a seriously disadvantaged child laugh at a joke or see the humour in a situation. Not only is it good therapy but it is a good philosophy for life – humour allows us to deal with many otherwise untenable situations.

Starting school is a big step for any child, even if he or she has been going to nursery or preschool. The building will be different and bigger than the nursery, and there will be a new routine with different rules to follow. New adults will be in charge, with different expectations, particularly concerning the child’s independence and self-reliance; and the child will be expected to make new friends. Added to this, your child will now be away from you for the greater part of every weekday, when many new influences will compete with yours. Some of these influences, in the form of school policy and discipline, will be welcomed by you, while others – from older more streetwise children, perhaps – may not.

Sometimes your child will appear incredibly mature as he or she waves goodbye and goes into school; at other times he will appear so small and vulnerable that you will have to stop yourself from rushing over and scooping him up and taking him home with you.

When your child starts school you pass responsibility, care and discipline of your child to other adults, in whom you have put your trust, for a large part of the week. These adults, in the form of teachers, classroom assistants and playground and lunchtime supervisors, will largely continue with what you have put in place in respect of your child’s learning, development and discipline. However, don’t expect the school to accomplish what you have not in respect of your child’s behaviour, or else you will be very disappointed. If your child is already having behavioural problems, far from disappearing when he or she starts school, they will probably escalate, for a while at least. Your child will be one of many, and if he has been overstepping the boundaries and acting out at home and nursery, school will give him an ideal platform to continue and develop his challenging behaviour. He will have a ready-made and attentive audience in the form of his peer group, and the teacher and assistants will be too busy attending to the needs of other children to keep an eye on one child the whole time.

Managing your child’s behaviour will be even more important now, to reinforce the expected standard of behaviour at home and also at school. It is essential you work closely with the teaching staff, so that any behavioural issues can be dealt with immediately and consistently. If your child sees that everyone is ‘singing from the same hymn sheet’, he or she will be more likely to respond and to modify any unacceptable behaviour. Never undermine the staff by siding with your child over a discipline matter, even if you are smarting from being told that your child has been naughty. Far from it increasing your child’s cooperation and respect for you, your child will view you as an (equal) accomplice, and your authority will be severely challenged. If you feel your child has been unfairly disciplined at school, make an appointment to see the teacher or a senior member of staff to discuss your concerns. The school’s influence in respect of the expected standards of behaviour is a valuable ally in reinforcing what you have put in place, and are putting in place, at home.

What might not be so helpful will be some of the influence on your child of other children in the playground. At this age children are still trying to assimilate the world around them, learning much about what we take for granted, so they will need plenty of guidance in their decision making. They will also be taking huge strides into autonomy and independence, trying and testing different behaviour and adapting what suits their personality in line with your guidelines. Many of your guidelines and boundaries for good behaviour will already have been accepted by your child and become second nature to him or her, while others will need reinforcing, particularly when your child hears others at school doing what you have forbidden. Every parent will hear at some time
‘But Kevin does …’
or
‘Tracy is allowed to …’
as children compare and challenge the boundaries of acceptable behaviour put in place by their parents. Don’t be swayed. If you take your meals at the table (as I believe all families should at least once as day), the fact that
‘Everyone else is allowed to have dinner in front of the television’
is not an argument for changing your house rules, and don’t give in to
‘Can I have my dinner in front of the television if I don’t make a mess?’