Hard Core (3 page)

Chapter 5

-Ledger-

I had no
right to watch her walk away, but I watched every step. She disappeared from view, and I looked down at the basket in my hand. I could still feel the warmth of her fingers on the handle. What the hell had I been thinking? Another crazy fucking decision. I sure was good at them. She was everything I’d expected and more. Way more. And I’d acted like a dumbfounded fool. I wasn’t too surprised. I knew she’d stop my breath the second I came face to face with her. And she had.

What had convinced me that any of this was right? I knew it wasn’t, and yet, I couldn’t stop myself. I knew if I did nothing else with my life, I needed to meet her. But now that she’d stood just inches from me, now that my hand had touched hers and now that the colors had been filled into the imaginary picture I had of the girl, I knew even more this had been a mistake. There was just no fucking way an undeserving asshole like me had any place in her world. 

Chapter 6

-Jacy-

I was halfway
to my house, when I pulled out my phone and dialed Rachel.

“Hey, Jacy, what’s up?”

“I saw him. I took the muffins up to his door, and a lot of awkwardness ensued, but I can tell you this, those broad shoulders go perfectly with everything else. Actually, perfectly isn’t the right word. Stunningly. That’s a better word for it.”

“Oh my god, can’t wait to hear all the sugary details in the morning.” She paused, and I knew what was coming next. “I want an introduction.”

“Thought you would. But we don’t know anything about this guy, Rach. As attractive as he is, he seems a little off. He had a hard time just communicating a hello. I think—”

“No conspiracy theories yet, Jacy. Otherwise, you’ll be shaping my opinion of the guy before I even meet him. Unless maybe you want to go for it.”

“Go for what?”

She harrumphed through the phone. I could almost picture the eye roll that followed it. “Don’t play dumb with me, friend. I hear a glimmer of interest in your tone. If you’re interested in this man then I think all the stars are lined up right for it. He’s close by, so you don’t have to drag begrudgingly along with me to bars and nightclubs, something you hate more than getting a cavity filled, as you’ve told me quite often. If he interests you, then let your hair down for a change and go for it.”

“Yeah, I don’t think so.”

A disappointed sigh followed. Rachel had the sound effects through the phone thing down to an art. “One of these days, Jacy, you’re going to have to start living again. Look, I don’t know all the details because I know you don’t talk about it much, but whatever happened before, with your last marriage, couldn’t be that bad. You’ve got to stop punishing yourself for it anyhow.”

Her words stopped the conversation cold. My throat tightened. I felt my body curling in on itself, and I knew what would follow if I didn’t get a grip on it. Despair would wrap itself around me and not let go. Rex’s cold nose touched my hand. My dog always knew when it was happening. He understood me better than anyone. I took a deep breath and pulled myself from the brink.

Rachel’s voice came through the fog. “Jacy? Are you still there?”

“I’m here, Rachel. Next time you come around, I’ll introduce you to my neighbor. I’ve got work to do at home. See you in the morning.”

The ankle weights were back. Invisible, of course, but I knew they were there. I felt them as they tried their damndest to hold my steps down. I left canals in the sand as I trudged back to my house. Rex stayed next to me, forgoing a romp in the plants looking for lizards to remain at my side.

I unlocked my door and walked inside, the weights still gripped my ankles, keeping my steps heavy and slow. I went straight to my bedroom, my place of quiet and solitude.

I sat down on the bed and picked up the plush white lamb, squeezing it against my chest. It had sopped up more of my tears than any handkerchief. Then the silence followed. The horrible, nightmarish silence that haunted me day and night. I rested back on the bed and held tightly to the stuffed toy, waiting for the silence to go away.

Chapter 7

-Ledger-

I’d showered and
plowed through the muffins as if they were the last morsels of food on earth. I’d been eating boxed macaroni and cheese and frozen pizza for a week, and after two years of prison food, the homemade muffins had tasted like heaven.

I turned on the radio I’d bought myself at the local thrift shop and sat on down on the mattress. I reached under the bed and pulled out the picture. I stared down at the small crumpled square. I’d rubbed my thumb over the photo so often, all the glossy shine had been worn away.

Jacy’s visit had thrown me off. I’d already assured myself that I had no right to be here, no right to get to know her. But I’d come this far, and I had nothing else. I had no place to go. And there was nothing in my heart or soul that said ‘give up’.

I pushed the picture back under the mattress and grabbed my shoes without any more mind debates or serious thought to what I was doing, I picked up the empty basket and walked out of the house and down to the beach.

It was a clear night. The sky above was bright with a full moon, a fat, round moon that made the sand glow neon white. The little house had one porch light on and one more dim light inside. I reached the stairs that led up to Jacy’s house and climbed them without another thought. Too much thinking would have sent me straight back down to the sand. The basket, my excuse for the visit, swung at my side. I’d never been nervous about talking to a girl in my life. My confidence when it came to women had always been unshakeable. Until now.

I climbed the stairs and walked straight up to the door before I had time to change my mind. I gripped the basket tightly enough to break it as I reached up and knocked. Rex barked loudly. It took a few minutes. I nearly lost my nerve. Then the door opened.

Her face was pale and her blue eyes looked wet with tears . . . and my heart stood still for a moment as I assured myself she was real. The dog shot out the door and pushed his head against my hand. I rubbed his neck.

“Sorry, he’s not normally so outgoing with strangers.”

“Don’t mind at all. He’s a cool dog.”

I lifted the basket. She took it from my hand. “I think it was a combination of your muffins being extra good and my stomach being extra empty. I thought I’d return it to you and ask for a redo on the whole introduction thing. I’m not normally such a tongue-tied idiot. Actually, strike that. I can be a total idiot if I put my mind to it. But the tongue-tied thing isn’t me.” I reached out. “I’m Ledger. And you are absolutely my favorite new neighbor of all time.”

Her smile was just what I’d expected, a curl of two perfect pink lips. “Confession time.” Her voice was frail like fine lace, and it was obvious she’d been crying. “I didn’t bake the muffins. My best friend, Rachel, owns a bakery next to my coffee shop. She made the muffins.”

“Guess I’m talking to the wrong girl then.” I pretended to turn away.

“I did, however, arrange them cutely in the basket for you,” she added quickly.

I turned back. I knew damn well I was staring, but I couldn’t pull my eyes away. “Absolutely cute.”

Pink blush filled in some of the white on her cheeks. “O.K. this whole new person at my door fits the guy standing in front of me much better.”

“Is that right?”

“Yep, confident and a little cocky, that’s more what I would expect from a guy who looks like—” She stopped and the blush deepened. “Whoa, don’t know where that came from. Anyhow—” She lifted the basket. “I’m glad you enjoyed them.”

“There’s a full moon,” I said hastily, trying to keep her standing in front of me just a few more seconds. “I was going to take a walk.”

She paused and seemed to be considering it. “I’ve got some paperwork to do. But have a nice walk. By the way, if you like coffee, you should come by the shop. It’s on Second Avenue.” She shrugged. “It’s called Second Avenue Coffee. Very creative, I know.”

I nodded. “It’ll be easy to remember what street it’s on. Have a good night, Jacy.”

I turned around and headed down the steps.

“Wait, Ledger,” she called.

I looked back up at the house. She held up her hand.

“Give me two minutes.”

I waited those two minutes and wasn’t completely sure if I drew breath even once in that time. Rex came bounding down the stairs and sat obediently at my feet as if we were old pals. I crouched down next to him. “Hey, buddy. You do a good job keeping an eye on her. Put in a good word for me if you get a chance.”

Jacy came down the steps bundled in a sweatshirt. Her long, wavy hair made an honest attempt at escaping the hood she had pulled up over her head. “Are you having a conversation with my dog?” The full smile was even better than the weak one she’d flashed earlier.

I straightened. “Just a little guy talk. Glad you changed your mind.”

“Paperwork can always wait. Besides”—her voice softened and was nearly drowned out by the ocean—“I needed to get out of the house. It was too quiet tonight.”

“It really is quiet out here.” I thought about jail and the relentless series of noises, doors and gates opening and clanging shut, nighttime guards having full on loud conversations, other cellmates snoring and talking. Sleep only came in spurts. But then, I guess it wasn’t supposed to be a five star hotel. It was meant to be misery, to keep us from making the same mistakes twice. It had definitely worked for me.

Jacy’s pretty face poked out from the hood as she looked up at the sky. “I love nights like this. The moonlight makes the whole thing look like a picture out of some fantasy novel.” She pointed out to the water. “Yep. There it is. The golden zipper.”

“Did you say golden zipper?” After my stumbling impersonation of a wallflower earlier, I quickly discovered that Jacy was easy to talk to. Especially if I wasn’t looking directly at her, getting lost in her sapphire eyes and thinking hard about those lips.

She pointed again to the sea. Under the night sky, it was mostly black with tufts of white foam. “See that long strip of moonlight on the water. The ripples make it look like a zipper, a gold zipper that you could just open up.”

“I see it now. A gold zipper.”

We walked closer to the water to avoid the struggle of having to walk through dry sand. Rex loped ahead.

“How long have you lived here?” I asked.

“Just over a year.” She shoved her hands in her pockets. “To use your word, I needed a redo on my life. What about you? What brought you to Rockwood Beach? I didn’t see a surfboard when I was snooping inside your window. I thought maybe you might be a pro passing through on your way to bigger and better surf. If you don’t mind me saying so, you sort of look the part.”

“Do I? Actually, I grew up close to the Rockies. No surf in sight, but I did spend a lot of time on a snowboard. Maybe I should try the waves, since I’ve got the look and everything.”

“Guess that sounded sort of judgy.”

“Not at all. Besides, I’ve been judged as a lot worse things than a surfer.”

Rex trotted back to us with a stick. He dropped it at my feet, and I threw it for him. He kicked up wet sand as he tore off after it.

“So you came to Rockwood Beach because . . .” She left it open for me to fill in the blank. For a fleeting second, I considered telling her the truth. But that wasn’t really an option. In my mind, the plan had sounded reasonable, but in reality, it was more than just a little crazy. Crazy enough to scare her off for good, that was for damn sure. And I never wanted her to be scared of me, or scared of anything again. She’d already lived through the worst life had to offer. She’d earned that right, the right to never be terrified again.

“Let’s just say, I needed to start an adult life. I’ve spent the first quarter century being a royal fuck-up, and I decided it was time to change. I’m looking for work to keep me in a house and supplied with food. Then I’m thinking of going to mechanic school. Cars were always my thing, and I figured I might as well do my thing.”

“That seems like a sound plan. I know it took me awhile to find
my thing
. I love running a business and being my own boss. Independence had been lacking in my life, and now that I’ve found it, I’m content.”

Rex trotted back toward us with the stick jammed in his mouth, making it look as if he was smiling, which if the tail wag was any indication, he must have been. White air puffed from the sides of his open snout. He dropped the stick a good twenty feet away.

I looked over at Jacy. Her profile stunned me, and the question slipped away before I could ask it. But she read my thoughts.

“Yes, that means he is already bored of the stick. One throw. Two max. He has an attention problem.”

Rex reached us and I scrubbed his back. “I can sympathize. Always too many other things to think about. I had the same problem in school. For me, sitting in class was torture.”

She laughed.

“No, really. They could have just strapped me to one of those medieval stretching tables, and I would have found that less painful than sitting in class trying to focus on reading and writing.”

“I knew other people like you in school, and I always felt bad for them.”

“I’ll bet you were that student that all the teachers and other students loved.”

“I don’t know if loved would be the word. I liked to do my own thing, or at least what I thought was right.”

“Ah ha, so you had independence when you were young and then you lost it along the way.”

She stopped and turned to me. “Wow. I’ve never thought about it like that. Yes. I was independent at that time. I always did my own thing, no matter what others told me.” Her dark lashes dropped over her blue eyes and she grew quiet. “I don’t know when it happened, when I lost myself.” She peered back up at me. “But it nearly destroyed me.”

I could feel the weight of her words on my chest. I had to be careful with everything I said. One wrong word and I would blow the whole damn thing.

“But you came out stronger on the other side? Isn’t that what they say?”

She nodded but it was so slight it might just have been the ocean breeze ruffling the hood of her sweatshirt. “It’s getting cold and that paperwork won’t finish itself. I should head back. I can walk back alone since your house is close by.”

“No, I’d rather walk you back. If you don’t mind, that is.”

“Not at all. This was nice. I needed to get out for a little head clearing.”

We started back toward her beach house.

“I’ll keep my ears open for jobs, Ledger. Nice name, by the way. It fits you.”

“Thanks. And yeah, that’d be great. I won’t be able to hang onto that crumbling little shack for long if I don’t find work soon. I bought myself an ancient and ugly truck, so I have transportation, sketchy as it is.”

“I’m sure you’ll find something. You’re my first neighbor since I moved in. It’s kind of nice having someone around for a change.”

Rex led the way across the sand and bounded up the stairs. We followed.

We reached the small stoop in front of her house. She turned to me as she pushed the hood back off her head. The dim glow of the porch light made her look even more beautiful, if it was possible for perfection to be
more
of anything.

“I guess I’ll see you around, neighbor.” Her smile followed, and all I could think about was kissing her.

“See you later, Jacy.”

She walked inside and I stood there numb with wanting her as she closed the door.