Hard Lessons (22 page)

“You can trust me—you
will
be safe with Dan. You know him, I think you like him, yes?”

I nod, but in no way could my response be mistaken for agreement to this scheme. Every nerve ending of mine is on edge, every muscle tensed. I’m so focused on Nick that I’ve even managed to disregard my natural modesty and ignore the fact that I’m kneeling in the middle of the room naked while another man is in the room watching, listening, looking at me. Nothing matters to me now apart from convincing my Master not to hand me over.

“You don’t have to fuck Dan unless you choose to. That’s up to you—you’ll be under no pressure. The presumption is that you won’t, and that’s fine. I’ve explained to him what your signals are so he’ll be able to understand and respond. He knows the sorts of games you like best, and your scene will be based on fun, on giving you pleasure. It’s up to him how he does that, of course, but I’ve given him plenty of clues. Even so, he might still have a couple of nice surprises for you. This isn’t meant to be an ordeal—we’re not concentrating on pain play here. It’s enough for me that you agree to do this, and that you submit for Dan just as you have been for me. So, Freya, will you do this?”

There seems to be no hope of Nick relenting. The prospect of defeat starts to crawl into my head. I fall back on negotiating what I can.

“Will you be here, watching?” Even as my hands form the words I can’t believe I’m actually asking that. What does it matter? There’ll be nothing to watch. How could there be?

“I can stay if you want. Or not. That’s up to you, Freya. But there’s a camera in the room, as you know. So yes, I
will
be watching.”

“I don’t want to do this. Please. Please don’t ask me to do this.” My tears are flowing unchecked and I’m starting to shiver despite the pleasant temperature in the room. It’s not that I’m scared of Daniel physically—I believe every word Nick has told me about no pain play and Daniel understanding my safe signals. But emotionally this is going to wreck me. Even if I do agree, even if I do manage, somehow, to go through with this travesty, I’ll never be able to forgive either one of us. Nick for making me do it, and me for agreeing.

“I’m not asking you, Freya, I’m telling you. I want you to obey me, and I want you to do it now. If you have questions, I’ll answer them, but if not, it’s time to get on with the scene.”

His tone is low, but his voice is all Dom as he rams the final nail in my emotional coffin. He straightens now, gets to his feet. I tilt my head back to maintain eye contact. His head is tilted, one eyebrow raised as he waits for my response. Obey, or refuse. But I know that refusal effectively means the end of my training. So, what choice do I have really? I close my eyes, unable to bear to look at him as I nod my agreement.

I hear Daniel’s footsteps as he strolls over to where I’m still kneeling on the mat. I haven’t opened my eyes, but I never heard Nick leave so I’m sure he’s still here too. I sign two words to him, “Please stay.” I have no idea why I want Nick to remain in the dungeon while this is happening—maybe because I’m hoping that somewhere, deep down, his heart isn’t really in it and he’ll call the whole horrible show off. Eternal optimist, that’s me.

“Are you afraid of me, Freya?” The next voice I hear isn’t Nick agreeing to stay, it’s Dan.

I turn to look up at him, and I’m pleased, grateful even, to note that his eyes are on mine, on my face. He’s not ogling the rest of me although I have no doubt that he’s looked his fill while he’s been patiently waiting his turn. Still, he’s not being too obvious about it. And I don’t want him to think I’m sobbing like a baby because of anything he’s done. At least, not yet.

“No! I like you.”

He can understand my head shake, but Nick helpfully interprets the rest.

He smiles at me, his expression warm and slightly sad. “Good. I hoped it wasn’t me causing all this grief. So, you like me, eh? But…you’re in love with him.” He flicks his eyes at Nick, who is struggling to contain his irritation now.

“For fuck’s sake! She
thinks
she’s in love with me…”

Unmoved by Nick’s exasperation Daniel just shrugs. “Yeah, well I think so too, so you’re outvoted, mate. Though I have absolutely no idea at all what she sees in you. You’re a prat.”

I’m looking from one to the other, not sure now which of them I need to appeal to, to put a stop to all this madness. I’d been so sure that it was Nick I needed to convince, when all the time Daniel was obviously watching, listening and coming to his own conclusions. Both Doms need to agree to this, and it seems at least one of them is having second thoughts. I wish it had been Nick calling a halt, but my gratitude to Daniel is profound in this moment. And now he’s calling Nick a prat. Not quite the word I’d have chosen, but near enough. Nick looks furious, but to my relief his anger is directed at Daniel, not me.

Daniel looks unimpressed, amused even. He doesn’t give Nick any further opportunity to comment before handing me my robe. I never saw him pick it up, but he must have because he had brought it over with him.

Turning back to Nick, he continues, “And that does rather change things, I’d say. She’ll do this because you’ve instructed her to. She adores you, so she’ll obey you. Whatever you ask her to do. But it’s clear to me, from all I’m hearing and seeing here, that she’s not just a trainee sub needing practice and a bit of variety. This is much more than that. And if I did what you asked, if I let you force this issue, you, my friend, my stupid and pig-headed friend, would not thank me for this in days to come.”

Daniel turns back to me. “And you look to me as though you’d prefer to be anywhere but here right now. You can leave if you like. This scene’s not going to happen. Pity, though, I’d have enjoyed you, little Freya. Maybe some other time…” His gentle smile belies the words. There will be no other time.

I look to Nick for his permission. Regardless of anything Dan might say, Nick is Master here and I can’t leave unless he allows it. He nods, briefly, and I get to my feet fast before he changes his mind. Remembering my manners I bow my head to each Dom, and I leave.

I close the door of the dungeon behind me then make my way down the hallway toward the bedroom. I can hear Nick and Dan talking, but mercifully their voices are not raised. I reach the bedroom and rush inside, closing the door behind me so I can’t hear them anymore.

Chapter Eleven

I hear Dan leave after about ten minutes, and I’m expecting Nick to appear at the bedroom door. I have no idea at all what to say to him, or what he’ll have to say to me. I didn’t want to do as he asked, I pleaded with him not to insist on it, but I couldn’t dissuade him. So I agreed. I did agree, and I would have gone through with it. He can’t blame me for the scene not continuing. Can he?

Maybe if I’d managed to hide my feelings, maybe if I’d looked a little happier with the prospect of letting Dan touch me, spank me, do whatever he had in mind for me. If I’d managed to look even slightly less distraught that might have swung it. Then Nick would have got his way and he’d be satisfied now, convinced that I’m a good little submissive. Instead…

I’m wondering what Dan said after I left, whether he managed to get Nick to see that my feelings just might be genuine. If so that’s good, surely it must be good, though I can’t help but feel resentful that he needed to hear it from someone other than me before he accepted it. That’s if he did accept it, of course. He might just think that both Dan and I are delusional romantics looking for a happy ever after that simply isn’t there.

But I’m letting my imagination run away with me. I’ve no idea what was said. I just have to wait here until he’s ready to talk to me.

Except, I don’t.

It suddenly occurs to me that Nick never told me to wait here. He just said I could leave the dungeon, but didn’t specify where I was to go. There’s nothing to stop me going to him now, offering my apology, accepting a punishment if need be, and maybe we can put it behind us. Sort of. Until the next time he tries to prove his point. I shudder at that thought, but at least next time I won’t be taken by surprise. Maybe I can manage it, if I have to. Surely.

Yeah, right.

Unable to bear the waiting any longer I decide to take matters into my own hands for once and go looking for Nick.

I find him in the kitchen, staring into his coffee as it sits cooling in his cup. I hover by the door, think about knocking, but he hears me or senses I’m there and glances up immediately. He gestures to an empty chair opposite him at the table, and I slip into it. I’m still wearing just my robe, and I suddenly wish I’d taken the time to get dressed. I’d have felt less vulnerable. Still, it’s too late now.

Nick looks at me and shakes his head. “Don’t look so scared, Freya. I’m not angry with you. I handled that badly—it was my fault, not yours.”

Oh thank God. Maybe now we can put all this nonsense out of our heads and get on with…

“I should have explained beforehand what was going to happen so you’d have been prepared for when Dan arrived.”

…Or not.

He fixes me with a sideways glare, his eyebrows lowered. For a Dom who insists he’s not angry he’s doing a fair impression.

“So, Dan’s convinced you
are
in love with me. That still your story as well?”

I nod. And manage not to apologize for it though my hands start to form the words before I can stop them.

He’s not looking at me anyway, still intent on watching his coffee cool. He goes on as though I never started to say anything. “That was never supposed to happen. I should have seen it coming, I suppose, and managed to stop it somehow. Or maybe I should never have agreed to train you in the first place.”

Yeah, like either of those would have worked. From what I know, love isn’t so easy to control. Unlike desperate submissives, who are terrified of being dumped. I wait for the bombshell I now know is not far off. The light at the end of the tunnel, but this time it’s a train coming. I don’t have to wait for long.

“I like you, Freya, you know that. I’ve enjoyed having you here, despite the mess you make in my dining room. You’re sexy and responsive, and the most fun in my dungeon I’ve had in a long time. But I don’t want a long-term relationship. Long term—I live alone and that’s how I like it. That’s how I want it.”

I try to gather some dignity, assert some sense of independence. “I’m not asking to move in. I have my own flat. I don’t mind living alone if that’s what you prefer.” Despite my efforts at self-possession I know I’m sounding pathetic now, but I can’t seem to help it.

He shakes his head. “It’s more than that. You’re much too young for me, a little rich girl. Very sweet, absolutely gorgeous, but we’re just not compatible. Other than the kinky sex—I grant you there’s no problem in that regard. Oh, and I love your taste in cars. And underwear.”

“Well, that’s a start. And we enjoy other things together too. Going for walks, skimming stones, the races…”

“Occasionally, yes. But long term, we’d just bore each other. We have nothing in common. Hell, when I’m not taking time out to train new subs I actually have to work for a living. Life’s one long holiday to you. For now you might not need to earn a living, but everyone has to do something. We all need to have a purpose.”

That stings. My life might seem vacuous to the outside observer but it’s not without purpose. Hey, I’m just embarking on an exciting new career as a racehorse owner, but of course I don’t tell him that. Instead I press on, ready to settle for what I can get. “I don’t intend to be a financial burden on you.” Well at least I can be reasonably certain of that, but again, I don’t elaborate on why I’m so sure. If there were ever a moment not to further convince him he knows nothing of any real significance about me, this is it. I stick to the area I know we share, the one thing we definitely do have in common. “Well, what about just sex then? Good, kinky sex. Can’t we just continue with that, and if something else develops, something more—”

“No. No, Freya. Settling down with one partner, lovely as you are, is just not on my agenda. It never was. You’re looking for a Master, someone ready to offer you commitment. To care for you, and to love you. And that’s what you deserve, I know it is, and I wish you well with it. But I’m not that Master, I don’t want that life. It’s not for me. I don’t want to take on that sort of responsibility for someone else’s happiness, their well-being.”

I’m baffled, truly at a loss. He’s been taking responsibility for my well-being for weeks. He sees and is quick to set me straight.

“Emotional well-being, I mean. Physically I can look after you, make sure your body is cared for, but now you’re asking for more. Much more than I have to give. I like you, but I don’t love you. I’m not going to love you. I’m sorry, I know that’s not what you want to hear, that you were hoping for more from me. I’d just disappoint you, and it’s better to do it now, before anyone gets really hurt.”

Too late. It’s already much, much too late. And those few words signal the end of my dream.

He smiles at me wryly. “I don’t suppose you could be persuaded to transfer your affections to Dan? He’d claim you in a heartbeat, apparently. You made quite an impression.” He sees my startled reaction. “No? Thought not. Pity. So, where does that leave us then?”

Where indeed? There’s only one possible outcome now, and I’m sobbing again as I see the reality of my future unfolding, stark and cold, empty and alone, my hopes disintegrating. Nothing I say seems to make any difference. He’s not listening, not interested. Not prepared to even give us, give me a chance. And it’s not even as though he doesn’t like me, which makes it all the harder to bear. I want him to love me, but if I had to settle for him just putting up with me and letting me stay around, I would. For now.

But he won’t even do that. He’s rambling on about making a clean break, about it being best in the long run, about me finding someone else, someone who really deserves me. Eventually I’ve heard enough. I don’t ask for permission to leave, I just get up and walk out of the kitchen. He doesn’t try to stop me or take issue with my bad manners. I think we both know we’re past all that now.