Harder (12 page)

“When?”

“I don’t know. When he called me that word. When he hit on me. You could have backed me up.”

“I did.”

“Like a pansy.”

“What?”

“You didn’t even hit him.”

“I put him outside.”

“Good for you.”

“Did you want me to say something?”

She just looks away, her short hair shielding her face again. “I hate this stupid dress. When Amy comes back, I’m going to change, no matter what she says.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t say more. I didn’t think you’d want me in your business.”

“I thought you’d be in it either way. You said you wanted me. You’re okay with him just saying stuff to me?”

“No. I would have stopped him sooner if you hadn’t been handling it.”

“You’re supposed to be my friend.”

“I am.”

“Then why didn’t you hit him? Why didn’t you let me hit him?”

“Because it’s illegal.”

“I get it. You’re not the hitting type. Whatever.”

“I can hit when I need to,” I say.

She shakes her head and folds her arms. They’re pale and slender, despite her muscle tone. She’s trembling slightly. My rock hard Ally is trembling.

“I hate this dress.”

I don’t know if I should reach for her. There’s always been a wall a mile high around her, one I can’t climb over. And now, with the wall down, it doesn’t seem right to walk over. I see my drink cup still sitting next to her chair. Or maybe it’s hers. I need something to do with my hands so I pick it up and swill it down. She’s even angrier when I meet her eyes again.

She turns to me, eyes red. “You know, even my ex would have done something. And he was a real jerk.” She doesn’t look at me as she says it.

It feels like she slung a rock at my chest. There’s no way to defend myself. She just put me as lower than the guy that made her not want to get married again.

I want to help her. I want to protect her, but I can’t live up to whatever invisible standard she’s set for me. I pull off my shirt and put it on her shoulders, so she can feel less vulnerable. She looks up at me, eyes wide, and is about to say something, but I turn away. I don’t want to be with her right now.

Nothing I do is ever enough. A couple of people stare at me, because I’m walking around shirtless, but I don’t care. Hopefully she feels better now.

Amy comes out just as I’m leaving.

“Thanks for the invite,” I say.

Her eyes are glued to my chest and then she slowly looks up. “What?”

She must still be out of it from the drama. “I said, thanks for the invite.”

She blinks a couple times, looks up at my face. “Oh, no problem.” She smiles and opens the door for me. “Did you have a good night?”

“Sure.”

“Liar,” she says, following me outside.

I use the remote to unlock my car. It beeps and flashes. “That’s me,” I say.

“You have to go so soon?”

“Yeah,” I say. “I’m getting a headache anyway. Thanks though. It was…fun.”

“I’m sorry Ryan. You never usually come either. It’s not usually this lame. I mean, at least it’s not one of Chad’s old parties, but still.” She’s fidgeting with the bottom of her shirt.

“It’s no problem.” I put a hand up to press on my forehead. Feels weird.

“You okay?”

“Yeah.”

“You drink at all?”

“Of course not.”

She studies me for a second, coming close to my face. “You sure?”

“Yes,” I say. I wish she’d stop talking. I’m tired, and I kinda want to leave before I get more tired.

“I don’t think you should drive. You don’t look well.”

“I’m fine.” I lean back against the car to make the lie more convincing.

“Stay, let me drive you later.”

“I lost my shirt,” I mumble. I cross my arms over my chest. The night air is a bit cool.

“Give me your keys.” She reaches for them. “Maybe you drank the wrong thing on accident.”

“I didn’t.” I hold on to them, but sit in front of the car. “Go away.”

“Gosh, it takes an Ally to deal with you, doesn’t it? You’re so darn stubborn.”

I huff and tuck my keys into my pocket where she can’t get them. I try to get up but my knees buckle. Maybe I’ll just rest for a bit by the car, then drive.

“Stay here, I’ll be right back,” she says.

I shrug. Maybe I will, maybe I won’t. So dizzy. Maybe I’ll sleep for a bit, and still be gone by the time she goes back. I lean against my car and close my eyes…

Ally

I was such a jerk to Ryan. I bite my lip and go back over the moments before he left. The way his beautiful face fell when I said he was worse than my ex. The way he didn’t look at me as he gave me his shirt. The way Amy ogled him on the way out and it didn’t phase him.

I was angry about what the douche said. Angry about my dress. Angry for feeling afraid. Angry that Ryan has better control than me. Angry that Ryan is so different from everyone I’ve known.

If it wasn’t cowardice that made him hold me back and yet not hit the guy himself, what was it? I scratch my head. I can’t figure it out. It was a confusing few moments, and demeaning, and I took that out on him. It didn’t help that he talked to the chick from the pool on the way back.

How did she even get here? Creep. I reach for my drink, but there’s two right next to each other and I’m not sure which is which. I leave them both.

I mean though, isn’t that how someone shows their feelings? Don’t they hit people for you? Why can he make me a damn sandwich but not punch a dude? It’s not that I can’t punch them myself, but I mean, shouldn’t he want to do it for me?

I shake my head. Ryan’s a mystery, all right, and it’s not his fault I have warped expectations of men. I mean, I want to be one, but the only way I’d ever be with one is if they could be more man than I am. Otherwise, why do I need them?

His shirt is warm and wrapping me in nice smelling softness. Mmm…fresh, clean laundry, and a little bit of something that’s very him. Maybe the way his car smells. I pull it up over my nose and sink into it.

I’m in this embarrassing position when Amy comes through the front door, eyes flashing, storming right over to me.

“Yeah?” I drop the shirt and sit up.

She jerks a hand to me, beckoning me over. I walk slowly over, trying not to look odd to the people around us. I lean down so she can talk to me in a low voice.

“Can you go check on Ryan for me?”

“Ryan?” My heart beats faster. “Why?”

“I don’t know. He was acting weird.”

“Weird?”

“I don’t know, almost like he was drunk?”

“Shiznit.” I push past her and run through the door. I search frantically before I realize he’s right in front of me. Leaning on his car, asleep. Half naked. My mouth goes dry.

It’s not the time to think about how hard those sculpted pecs must feel. It’s not the time to run my hands over that eight pack and see if it feels as good as it looks. I crouch in front of him.

“Ryan?”

No answer.

“Ryan?” I pull on one of his eyelids and he opens the other groggily to glare at me.

“What?”

“You feeling okay?” I push his hair out of his face. His ponytail is coming loose. He takes a deep breath, drawing my attention back to his amazing pecs, and lets it out with a sigh. I should put his shirt back on, but he’s huge, and I’m not even sure I could do it without his cooperation.

He shrugs. His shoulders are gorgeous too. They’re large and dip towards his biceps. He’s too out of it to see me ogling him. I lift one of his hands, and drop it.

“I’ll be right back,” I say.

I run back up to the house. I bolt through the door and grab Amy.

“What? Is he okay?”

“No. He’s barely conscious. I think he was roofied.”

“Roofied?” Amy’s face pales. It’s pretty common in Cali, but she doesn’t generally invite that type of person to her parties. “By who?”

I shrug. “I bet it was meant for me. I mean, our cups were close. I bet Ryan left our drinks alone at some point. He probably didn’t know any better.”

She looks devastated, and bites her lip. “What should I do?”

“I don’t know. I’m going to take Ryan home. I’d call your moms. Ask them. Tell them you think someone had drugs at your party. I bet it was those douchebags Ryan threw out.”

“Is there anything I can do to help?” A soft voice asks from behind me. I turn around to see the chick Ryan rescued. “Is everything okay?”

She seems like a nice girl. There’s no reason not to like her. She’s sweet, in fact, maybe she’s Ryan’s type, with her soft hair and her cute face and her nice clothes. But I just don’t like it. I just don’t want to hand him over yet.

“Everything’s fine,” I say.

“Who were you talking about?”

“What?” Amy asks.

“Who got roofied?”

Amy blanches. “Emily, don’t worry about it. Actually, can you talk to the other girls? I have to call my moms.”

“I’ll take care of Ryan,” I say.

“Ryan?” she says, blue eyes wide, genuinely concerned. “Is Ryan hurt?”

“What’s it to you?” I ask, glaring down at her. She folds her hands together and withers under my gaze.

“I just, I guess I owe him, after what happened.”

“Hmph.”

“She’s just like that,” Amy says.

I can hear it in the distance as I walk outside again. I kick the door shut behind me. I don’t want everyone looking at him. Not when he’s vulnerable like this.

Ryan is now lying next to the car, back against the concrete of the sidewalk. How am I going to move him? Maybe I shouldn’t have turned down Emily’s help. Naw, who am I kidding? That chick might be the perfect girl next door who is perfect for Ryan, but I bet she can’t lift a two by four.

I crouch in front of him. “Ryan?” I say softly.

He pulls his eyes open with great effort, and tries to push up onto one elbow. He squints up at me and deep green winks out at me under his long eyelashes. “Ally?”

“Yeah, that’s me, big guy.” I put an arm around him and start to pull him up. “Can you sit up?”

“I don’t know,” he says. But he pushes with one arm and I manage to pull him to sitting against the car.

“We gotta get you in the car. I gotta get you home.”

“Sleep,” he mutters.

“Oh no, not yet,” I say, stopping him from laying back down. “Come on, upsy daisy.” I focus down into my quads and stand with him, dead-lifting whatever he can’t hold as he weakly stands with me. Good thing I use the school gym.

“Thanks Ally.” He puts a heavy arm over my shoulders. I can feel his muscles. The muscles that he used to drag the douche out. The muscles that made me feel threatened, the muscles that made me take everything out on him, like I always do, when he doesn’t stay like a good boy in whatever box I try to put him in.

I realize I don’t have his keys. I set him on the ground, seated at least.

I brush hair out of his face again. It’s soft, reminding me of things I don’t want to face. That he’s not the kind of man I know.

He’s a man, but not like any I’ve met. He’s not trying to unman me, and he isn’t trying to change me so that he can rule me. And the way he protects me doesn’t make any sense. But today I was hungry and he brought me lunch. And tonight I was feeling naked and he gave me his shirt.

I don’t know what to do with that.

“What do I do with you?” I say, caressing his cheek lightly.

His eyes slowly flutter open. He almost looks like he understands what I’m saying.

I lean forward slowly, till our noses are touching. He’s so harmless right now. I could kiss him. I could run my hands all over him, feel his muscles, feel everything I’ve been wanting to feel but couldn’t because he frightens me. Because he wants more than I can give, even if he doesn’t say so.

I ache over touching him, but decide not to. I stop with my lips close to his. Kissing him would be super wrong, even if I’m sure he’d be happy I was doing it if he was conscious.

His hand comes up around the back of my head and pushes me clumsily forward, right onto his mouth.

“Mmpph.” I flail and try to pull back, not wanting to be a molester, but his arm rests against my neck, holding me there against his mouth.

It’s warm, and his mouth is still against mine. I can memorize the lines of his lips. I stop fighting, and he holds me there just a moment longer, then lets go. I fall back on my butt away from him, flustered and hot and bothered.

He puts a hand up on top of his head and takes a deep breath, eyes still closed. “Mmm. Tasty.”

I narrow my eyes at him and crawl forward. “You awake then buddy?”

He squints at me again, then smiles goofily. “Nope.”

I wonder if he’ll even remember kissing me. What was I doing before I got distracted? Oh yeah, keys. I need to get him out of here before everyone else comes out.

“Ryan, where are your keys?”

“No. I’m fine,” he mumbles, shaking his head.

I watch his mouth for a moment, captivated by the fullness of his lips. It’s so much easier to see how beautiful he is when he’s harmless.

“Your keys.”

His head gives me a small shake, then lolls onto his shoulder. He’s out again.

I guess I’m going to have to look for them then. I mean, they can’t be that many places. He must have had them with him when he came out. They have to be in his pockets. One of them.

I look him over. They can’t be in his back pocket, or it’d be hard for him to be sitting on them. So they must be…

I feel my face go bright red as I reach towards his right pocket. Hopefully no one comes out in the next minute or so, cause this is going to look so wrong.

Don’t look now, I’m just reaching into my friend’s pants while he’s unconscious. Nothing to see here folks, move along.

I take a deep breath and slide my hand into his pocket. I can feel the tips of the keys. I pray I don’t feel anything else. I try to pull them, but they don’t come easily. I move my hand deeper in, but only manage to push them further down. I grit my teeth and try to get below them. I finally have the ring, and I can pull them out. Phew, I’m going to get through this without anything awkward.

“Not before marriage,” Ryan mumbles, moving slightly.

My face goes deep, flaming red. I yank the keys out. “Not before marriage
what
? Asshole.” I point the keys at him, pointy end first, in case he gets ideas.