Harder (23 page)

Now it’s my turn to scowl. “Don’t let me off that easily. I was a jerk too. I should have explained about Zach.”

“Zach?” His eyes widen slightly.

“My ex-husband. The one who is staying with me.”

His jaw clenches, and a muscle twitches at the side of his eyes. But at least he isn’t jumping all over me, at least he’s letting me explain. If I knew someone I was friends with was staying with their abusive ex, I’d be all over them for sure. But that’s why I like Ryan, he’s not like me.

“Don’t look at me like that. That’s why I didn’t tell you. He surprised me out of nowhere. He agreed to go, but he spent everything to get here. He needs money to get home. I’ve been sleeping in my car till I could get paid.” I throw my hands up as tears gather in my eyes. “But now that’ll all be for bills, and I can’t get rid of him.”

Ryan opens his mouth, but I hold out a finger to his lips. “And don’t offer to help, because I would hate you for it. Hate you. Do you get that? You can’t save me from this. I don’t want you to. You get involved, and I’ll hate you forever.”

He closes his mouth, his lips tense and drawn. “Ally…”

“Don’t Ally me. Don’t make me regret telling you. I don’t need help, I just wanted to explain, because I can’t stand it. The silence between us. The hurt on your face because you didn’t know who was staying with me. I need you Ryan. I can’t have things like they’ve been the last few days. Maybe it took a bonk on the head to say that, but I do need you.”

He takes a deep breath and lets it out. “Ally…”

“Just let me finish. Just be my friend, on my terms. I need your sandwiches, and I need your kindness. I need you to be different from guys like Zach, and I need you to stop pushing me.”

“You don’t know what you need,” he says, lifting dark green eyes to meet mine. “You’re always sending mixed messages. I want to help you, but not just the ways you want. I want to help the ways you need, not the ways you think you need.”

I put my hands over my ears and shake my head. I can’t. I can accept sandwiches, and companionship, but nothing bigger than that. I can’t be dependent again. It’s a bad sign to need someone, it’s bad to let them in. There are so many strings.

I depended on Zach, and look where that went. Even now, those strings are still there. I still owe him. I’m sacrificing my own money and sleep even now because I owe him and can’t just throw him in the street.

I don’t need more obligations, even to someone like Ryan.

“I need you to go,” I say, even though I don’t know what I’ll do if he does. I don’t know where I’ll go. Maybe I could just walk off somewhere and disappear. Maybe it’s just my head hurting and feeling foggy, but I just can’t think of a way out of my life.

I can’t pay this hospital bill, and between that and Zach, I won’t be able to pay rent. I have no one to stay with. I refuse to put Amy out, and I can’t rely on Ryan like that. Maybe I’ll have to go to a shelter, but then I might lose my job. Or get attacked. I hold my hands even tighter to my head. I can’t steady myself, and panic is threatening to drown me. I’m the opposite of a badass, and I want my badass back.

Warm hands slide over mine, pulling them down and away from my head. Ryan wipes a tear gently from under my eyes.

“It’s alright Ally, it’s going to be all right.”

I close my eyes and another tear squeezes out, and for a moment, I just lean into his hand, feeling the warmth on my cheek. The safety, the comfort, of being taken care of. He wipes the tear away with his thumb.

“Don’t worry Ally. It’s going to be okay.”

“I don’t know what to do anymore,” I say, eyes still closed, because I’m too ashamed to look at him right now. “I just can’t handle it all anymore.”

He sighs and wipes away another tear. It’s such a soft and interesting gesture. He’s not telling me not to cry, he’s just helping me deal with it. I let my head hang in his hand.

“Can’t you let me help? With all of it?”

“I don’t know. I’ve relied on people before. It didn’t go well. We have something good. I don’t want that with you.”

“What do you want?”

“Friendship. To not be afraid anymore.”

“I can do that.”

“But why? Why would you do that? Without sex? What else could you want from me? No one else kept me around. No one else was willing to take me in. Just Zach. At least I had something to offer him. What could I give you?”

“Ally, look at me.”

“No.”

“Look at me.” His voice is so warm and insistent, and I look up at him. His eyes are intense and sincere. “Ally, I just want you. As a friend, as more, as whatever you want. I just want you to be the girl that batted my hair away and tried to get me to talk. I just want you to keep things interesting, and to keep caring about me, like you did when you pulled me up the steps and put me to bed when I got roofied.”

I don’t understand it, so I close my eyes again and just listen. But at least with my eyes closed I’m less vulnerable.

“I want to be there for you, watching out for you. I want to do lunch with you, study with you. I want you to get to know my family better. I want to see you happy.”

I wince.

“I want so many other things, but I won’t push you. But can I get involved with some of this, just a little?”

“I don’t know what you can do,” I say, holding his hand to my cheek. It’s large and capable, and it feels good to trust someone, finally, after resisting so long. “What can anyone do? My life is a mess.”

“Just trust me. Do I have your permission?”

“Okay. But I don’t know what you can do.”

“Just wait and see. Don’t worry about it for now. Amy’s going to take you home, okay? I’ll send her in when I go out. Is that okay?”

I blink. I don’t want to him to leave, I sort of want to grab his hand and pull him back. I don’t know where he’s going or what he’s going to do, and I have no way to control him. He stops and comes back, brushes hair out of my face, and places a kiss on my forehead. He holds it there for a moment.

It’s one of the best things I’ve ever felt. No one has ever kissed me like that. It’s all the love in the world wrapped up in one soft touch, and it melts the ice around my heart.

Then he leaves and the door shuts behind him. I start to panic, thinking about what he could be doing or not doing, and all of the things I need to worry about, but my head gets foggy and hurty before I can get far. The door opens and Amy comes in.

“Hey girly, you doing okay?”

“Yeah,” I say. “Let’s go home.”

She smiles and jingles her keys. “You got it.”

Chapter 17

“What will it take for you to go?” I ask, pulling out my wallet. The dark-haired dude at the door scowls at me and folds his arms. He’s about to kick the door shut with his foot when I stomp forward and put my foot out to stop it. I push my way inside.

“What the hell?” He says, shoving me.

“What the hell, yourself,” I say, shoving him back. I’m not an abusive douchebag. I was raised not to hurt others, but I’ll do it if I have to. After all, I box in my free time. This dude hits girls, and that’s in my mind constantly as I confront him. Even as I know Ally cares for him and wouldn’t want me or him in trouble.

“Step off dude,” he says, backing up.

“What will it take?” I say, waving my wallet. “Whatever you need, name it.”

He frowns and stares at the wallet. “I don’t need your money.”

“Yes, you do. Because you aren’t staying here. You’re going back to Ohio where you belong.”

“Says who? You?” He puts his hands in his pockets. “Ally said I could stay. I don’t know who the hell you are. Oh wait, you’re the dude she left in the hallway. I think we know who she wants around.”

I need to appeal to whatever humanity he has left. If Ally’s right, he wasn’t always bad, and he does care about her. I’ll have to bank on that. “You’re hurting her,” I say.

“What?” His shoulders fall slightly. “She isn’t even staying here.”

“Exactly,” I say. “You come out of nowhere, disrupt her space. She’s been sleeping in her car.”

“She said she was sleeping at a friend’s house.”

“Did you check?”

“No. That wasn’t my job.”

“I don’t know, maybe it was, since it’s you being here that pushed her out.”

“I didn’t know that. I thought she was confused.”

“So you made her pay you to leave?”

He sighs, frustrated. “I just wanted more time. I didn’t mean to hurt her. You gotta understand, we go way back. I mean, you think you know her, but you don’t, not compared to me. Things I could tell you…”

“Don’t.” I put up a hand. “Maybe you know the Ally then, but I know the Ally now. She’s my best friend and I can’t let you hurt her.”

“Fine. I’ll get a hotel.”

“You don’t understand. She passed out at work. Got a concussion. I saved her from drowning. That’s the kind of stress you’re putting on her.”

Zach moves slowly to the couch, slumps down on it, and puts a hand up to his forehead. He’s quiet for a moment, and then wipes his eyes in what suspiciously looks like a wiping tears movement. “I didn’t want to hurt her. There was a time, all we had was each other. I’ve gotten better, I really have, but I guess I can’t get forgiven for shit like that. I was worried about her out here though.”

I nod, shocked by what I’m seeing. He’s not what I would have imagined when I thought of someone who hits their wife. I was expecting a monster, but he’s just kind of broken.

But I still need him out of her life. I can’t give him the chance to hurt her again.

She’s trusting me now.

“I’ll go then,” he says, standing and wiping his hands on worn jeans. “I guess she’s got you now, she doesn’t need me.”

I’m oddly sad for him, but I can’t allow that to change things. He came back into her life and she got a concussion. She moved halfway across the country to be away from him.

“Should I tell her goodbye?”

I think about it. Ally’s terrified of being abandoned, but does she really want to say goodbye to this guy? I shouldn’t make that choice for her. But I’ll be there to watch. “I guess so. I’ll take you over.”

“I got my own ride. I’ll follow you.” He starts out the door, I follow him. Before I go to my car, I take bills from my wallet and shove them into his hand. “Take it.”

He pushes them back. “I can’t, it feels dirty. Like I’m being paid to walk out on her.”

“She’ll kill me if she doesn’t know you’re good to make it home.”

He laughs. “Ain’t that the truth. Aight.” He takes the money and shoves it in his pocket.

I go to my car. I’ve kept my promise to Ally. I’ve handled things. Between this and paying her hospital bill, things will be almost as if he never came. As soon as he says goodbye. But what if she doesn’t really want to, when she’s given the chance?

As I drive to Amy’s, my stomach cramps up thinking about her seeing Zach. The rest was easy. Money I have. What’s the point of privilege if I can’t use it to help others once in a while? Ally’s made me realize just how lucky my family and I are, and it’s easy to want to share that.

It was also relatively easy to convince Zach to leave.

But what if she hates me for bringing him over? What if she hates the way I’ve taken care of things?

Well, there’s no point worrying. I did what I thought was best for her. When you really care for someone, you care more about what is best for them than about what they think of you. Now I have to live with the aftermath.

I’m just praying it goes alright. I don’t want to lose her. I know that even more after holding her in my arms, bleeding and unconscious. I never want to see that again.

She needs to let me in her life, so I can make sure I never see that again.

Ally

“You’ve got a good guy,” Zach says, touching my hand tentatively before pulling away. “I think you’ll be fine.”

“Thanks,” I say. “But he’s not my guy.”

Zach raises one bushy eyebrow, so different and untamed compared to Ryan’s. “Maybe you should do something about that. Dude practically threw me out. Bribed me too.”

I laugh and hit the bedspread. Figures. That’s so Ryan. I’m realizing he can be intense when he wants to be. He’s not the wallflower I met over a year ago. He’s blossomed. But not into a flower. Into a living steel sculpture. It’s a weird image, but it’s how I see him, even if maybe it’s just the concussion talking.

“So where will you go?” I ask.

“Home. Back to more therapy. Hopefully my job takes me back. I was planning to set roots here if you didn’t want to come back with me.”

“I’m sorry,” I say, toying with the blanket. “I just think it’s better if we’re apart. Too much history.”

He scratches his head, and looks away. If I know Zach, he’s tearing up. “Damn Ally, I’m just so sorry. I wish I could take it back.”

I touch his head, and he looks back at me, dark eyes glossy. Eyes I’ve looked into so many times. “You’ll be alright, Zachey.”

He nods and pulls back. “Yeah. No shit. It just sucks.”

It does. We met when we were too young to figure things out, but that didn’t make the feelings any less real. Feelings he obviously had and hasn’t lost. I know for sure, looking into his eyes now, that he loved me. Still loves me. As much as he is capable of it.

“Love you, Zach.” I can tell by his face that he knows I mean it as a friend. But he deserves to know that I don’t hate him. That I forgive him.

“You too, Ally girl.” He stands.

“Take care.”

“You too,” he says. “I’ll text you my address. Let me know if lover boy ever gets out of hand, and I’ll come beat him down for you.”

I grimace. “Zach…”

“Kidding, you got someone to do your beat downs now.”

“Zach?”

“Yeah?” He turns to face me once more.

“I do my own beat downs.”

He grins and scratches the back of his neck. “Yeah, I guess you do.”

“Can you send Ryan in on your way out?”

His eyes shutter. “Sure.”

“Take care. I mean it. Text when you get home.”

He shrugs. “Bye Ally girl.”

“Bye.”

The door shuts, and my heart gives a painful last throb at his leaving. It’s over. It’s really over. Thanks to Ryan.