Harder (19 page)

“I’ll stay.”

He exhales, and I can’t tell if he’s angry, and I close my eyes to block them out. Their footsteps fade away. I sit up, alone. The ocean is very gray. Not what I expected from Cali beaches. The sand is gray too, but a beige gray, not a green gray like the water. The waves turn over and over. Not a lot of people on the beach. Kind of boring here.

Ryan and Emily are a ways down the beach, walking at the edge of the water. She takes his arm and pulls him toward an oncoming wave, dips her toes in it, and runs back, her laughter reaching me on the wind alongside the cries of seagulls.

And Ryan’s laugh. He gives her a little shove towards the water, and it covers her feet, and she runs back squealing and swatting him on the arm. He just laughs and keeps walking down the beach, and she follows again.

Ugh, normal people are disgusting.

Is this how normal kids play? Normal adults? Ryan gets a little ahead of Emily, and looks back to see if she’s coming, and she steps forward quickly. She reaches for his hand, takes it in hers, and swings it between them casually.

The little minx! Damn girl, right for the gold! Maybe not that innocent after all. Ryan looks down at her hand, then at hers. He looks so big, and handsome, and unsure. And then he smiles at her, relaxes, and lets their hands swing between them again.

My stomach makes a weird noise, and I rub it. Have I ever held hands with someone like that?

They’re so far away from me, and it’s not just physical distance. They’re in a different world, a world that’s happy and innocent. Where people don’t have to choose between being homeless and being married, and where married people don’t fight and hit each other because they’re just teenagers.

They live in a world of parents, and rules, and wealth. Houses, not apartments.

So why should I deserve to be with people like them? I lean back on my hands and watch the ocean again. I’ve never really felt inferior to others for what I didn’t have. I’ve never really envied the girly girls. They may be pretty, but I’m strong. I never really wanted that easy life, because mine has made me who I am. I make friends easily, and I get the jobs I want.

I’ve always felt that the whole world was in my grasp if I wanted it, even if things did start out awfully crappy for me.

But watching Emily holding Ryan’s hand, watching them smile and laugh as they walk along the ocean, like some kind of ad for a white people dating site, for the first time feel like there’s a wall I can’t climb. Something I can’t have, because of who I am and what I’ve been through. Something I can’t just reach forward and take by sheer force of will.

And it makes me so angry.

I wait until they’re turned all the way away from me, and fold up my towel quietly. I pull my stuff together. I’ll just go up on to the main road and hitch a ride back or something. Maybe just walk. Maybe those hills do look good for disappearing in. Maybe I should live like an animal, if I can’t live like those two people down there on the beach below.

The perfect girl with the perfect guy. The guy I love. I start forward up the hill. The sand keeps getting in my tennis shoes, annoying me. Someone’s running towards me, footsteps pounding the sand. I turn around as I reach the top of the hill to see Ryan, ten feet away, scrambling to reach me, handsome face flushed,

“Ally, what’s wrong? Where are you going?”

“I don’t belong here. I’m ruining your date.”

“Ally, you’re the one who asked me here.”

“Yeah, so? You’re the one who went off with Emily.” I fold my arms and adjust my stuff so it’s not as uncomfortable. There’s a lot of it. Damn, I think I grabbed one of Emily’s bags by accident. I try to pull it out, but they’re all tangled up. I drop it all on the ground with a huff and root through until I can separate it.

“Fine. Here. Take this back to her when you go back down.”

“I’m not going back down.”

“Should you really leave her alone down there? She might drown or something.” I know it’s mean, but I’m feeling mean and low right now. And jealous.

“Ally, she’s fine. In fact, she might be stronger than you.”

Anger fires in me, heating me uncomfortably all the way to my fingertips. I turn my back on him and head towards the road, scuffing sand off my shoes as I go.

“She might be stronger than you, because she’s not afraid, like you.”

“I’m not afraid.”

“Yes you are.” He’s still following me, his deep voice resonating in my chest and ears. First I can’t get him to talk, now I can’t get him to shut up when I want him to. Uncontrollable.

“Oh yeah? Of what?”

“Of everything!” He’s nearly to me, and I’m nearly to the road, so I simply turn and start walking along it. “You’re afraid to be normal, and afraid to be girly, and most of all, you’re afraid to be happy.”

I just shake my head.

“You can shake your head all you want, but you know it’s true. You won’t give me a chance because you know I could make you happy. I could make you happier than you’ve ever been, but you just keep pushing me at Emily, over and over, saying it’ll make you happy.”

I hunch in, as if I can block out his words with my body.

“But the truth is, it makes you miserable seeing us together, doesn’t it?”

I toss my head, flipping my hair out of my way, and turn back to walk down the road in the opposite direction. I don’t want to get too far from Emily. No one should be alone on the beach.

“Doesn’t it even occur to you that it could make me happy too?” he says. “Don’t you think you might be good for me, too?”

I breathe in deeply. Cool, salty ocean air. I think about it. No. I don’t have anything to offer. I’m good at sex, but he doesn’t want that. I’m not good at normal. I’m not good at happy. I’m good at strong. I’m good at working hard. I’m not good at dipping my toes in the ocean and giggling like a freakin’ princess. If he expects that of me, he’s only going to be disappointed.

“I want to be your friend, but I don’t think I can make you happy.”

“Don’t you get it Ally?” He takes my arms and pulls me to face him. “I don’t want to be just friends. I want to be more than friends. I’m okay with friends, because that’s what you want, but I want more. I want to get to know you better, and I want to just talk with you for hours. I want to night swim, and touch you.”

“But no sex.”

He wipes his forehead and sighs. “Yeah, not yet.”

“But when you get married.”

“Yeah, hopefully.”

“And you only want to date me.”

He blinks those long, perfect lashes. I want to touch his face.

“See, don’t you see the problem? You can only be happy when you’re married, and I don’t want to get married ever again. I don’t want to sign my name on a dotted line and be under someone’s power. I don’t want to give or take half of everything. I don’t want to feel obligated to someone again. If that’s the cost for happy I’m not paying it.”

His shoulders sag slightly, like it’s finally sinking in. We’ve been playing, like kids, thinking it wouldn’t catch up to us how different we are. We’ll graduate, and he’ll do more school. He’ll marry someone like Emily and lose his virginator status. And he’ll bring his Mercedes by and I’ll give it an oil change, and he’ll look at me covered in grease and thank his lucky stars I turned him down.

“Then what cost are you going to pay, Ally? What cost is worth it?”

“No cost. I don’t need that much to live. I didn’t think about it much until you came into my life. I can go back to being happy, if I don’t have to watch you two lovebirds holding hands and walking along the ocean!” My hands are balled into tight fists, my nails digging into my palms. “I’m either going to hitchhike, or you can drive me home. You pick, but you got about a minute.”

“Let me get Emily.”

“Okay.”

He turns away, then turns back. The breeze picks up his hair. “You know, you really disappoint me, Ally. I mean you bring us out here, you invite her, and you just, throw a tantrum. I’m embarrassed Ally. For the first time with you, I’m embarrassed.”

“Yeah well, go figure,” I say. But it stings.

He comes back with Emily and the ride home is somber. She doesn’t know how to lighten the mood, and I don’t want to lighten it anyway. I turn on the radio, and Ryan turns down the volume. I sigh. When we get back to work, he drops me off by the LeBaron. Looks like Emily is staying in the car. Fine.

“Have a good night Ally,” Emily says, as I’m unlocking my door and trying to get away from them as quickly as possible.

“Thanks.”

“Drive safe,” she says.

“Sure.” Finally I get in with all of my stuff and shut the door, shutting them away from me. Ryan pulls away without looking at me.

Maybe he really is disgusted. Maybe he’s finally realized that I’m no good for him. All the better I guess.

If only work wasn’t going to be super awkward from now on.

I drive home the rest of the way in a foul mood. But a few minutes away, I realize that, as usual, I can’t hold grudges. I sigh and pull out my phone.

“I’m sorry Ryan,” I text.

“It’s okay. I’m sorry too,” he replies.

“Talk to you tomorrow about it?”

“Sure.”

I put the phone away and climb the steps to my floor. When I get there I freeze.

“Ally,” a voice says softly.

I can’t believe it. I’m not even afraid, just shocked. I should have known this was coming, but I wasn’t prepared for it. “Zach?”

He comes forward to hug me, and I sink against his shoulder, utterly confused.

Chapter 13

I feel verbally stopped up, but I know I have to talk. Being with Ally has taught me that sometimes staying quiet is just unproductive.

“I’m sorry, where do you live?” I ask Emily.

“You can just take me back to work. My car’s there.”

I nod and drive back on auto-pilot. I want to call Ally, want to drive back there and go after her. But what’s wrong with me? There’s a wonderful girl here with me. Pretty, kind, with a musical laugh.

The kind I grew up around. And she wants me. I can feel it. I grip the steering wheel as we pull into the employee lot. She points to her car and I pull in beside it.

My phone goes off and it’s Ally, saying she’s sorry. I text back that I am too. We’ll talk about it tomorrow. I put the phone away and glance over at Emily, who is waiting patiently.

She’s sitting still, hands in her lap, and I get out to open her door, thinking it’s weird to be around a girl who actually expects it after being around Ally. Emily smiles up at me and takes my hand to get out, fluttering her blonde eyelashes over her pretty blue eyes.

But I’m haunted by a pair of silver ones, glinting with mischief.

Emily’s car is a couple steps away, and she stops before going in, as if she doesn’t want to leave. How I feel when I’m leaving Ally.

“Can we talk?”

“Sure.” I guess I should probably be straight with her anyway. I lead the way to some grass at the side of the park. I like it because it’s away from the road, and quiet. A good place to think. I lean back, and have to remind myself that we’re here to decide something, and I can’t zone out.

“Ryan, do you like me?” She’s sitting, arms around her knees. A little ball.

I think back over our time together, from pulling her out of the pool, to going to lunch, to holding hands at the beach. I turn and look at her, really look at her, because I feel like ever since I’ve known her I haven’t really looked at her. I haven’t given her a real chance. In a way, I’ve been using her, and that’s unfair. I’ve been into Ally, and listening to Ally, and ignoring Emily.

It isn’t fair to her.

“I do, Emily. As a friend.”

She sighs. “I knew it.” She swats the grass in front of us. “You like Ally, right?”

I nod. I turn back to the stars. I could watch them forever. I bet if Ally were here she’d make up constellations and not stop talking. And I’d just lie still and smile and listen. It’s a good match, if only she’d see that.

“So what are you going to do?” Emily asks, wrapped around her knees again. “Does she like you?”

“Ha.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.” It’s pretty obvious she doesn’t. Pretty obvious that from the start I was headed for heartache. I don’t know why I thought she’d fall for me too while I was falling for her. It’s my turn to swat the grass angrily. “I don’t know what I’ll do.”

“Do you think she’ll ever want you? Like that, I mean?”

Clouds are moving in from the East, and soon they’ll cover the already faint stars. “I don’t know.”

“And you’re just willing to wait?”

I can hear the frustration in her voice, and I know what she’s feeling. It sucks when the person you like doesn’t like you back. “No. I don’t know what I’ll do. I just know what I feel.”

“And that is?”

“I’ve been captivated by her since I met her.” Since I met her and realized I do love to talk. I do love words. Maybe I would have been a writer or something, if I’d grown up differently. I like signing, but I like English too.

Emily frowns and stares over at me. “Sucks, doesn’t it?”

“What?”

“Liking someone who doesn’t like you.”

I laugh softly. “Yeah, it sucks.”

“Why can’t you consider me?”

I think about it again. Cool air blows by and I look over and realize Emily isn’t wearing a jacket. I take mine off and put it over her shoulders. She throws it back.

“Stop being protective if you don’t like me.”

I set it to the side, so she can take it if she wants it. “I do like you Emily. I just, I liked Ally before I met you, and I can’t really give us a real chance.”

“Why not? You can give me a chance if you want to.” She turns around, leaning on one hand, staring down at me. Down at my mouth. “You don’t know till you try.”

Ally’s face, red and angry, swearing and pointing, flashes up in my mind, warning me against it. But she turned me down. She was final and certain about it. That’s that. And maybe, just like Ally, I’m all wrong about what’s right for me, about who I should be with. Maybe I could set the example for her, by choosing to be with someone I may not feel is right for me.

Maybe I’m messed up like she is, and unable to see what could make me happy.