Harlem Girl Lost (21 page)

One day Silver received word from Missy that the manager from Wendy's had called and left a message for her to come in to work. Chance told Silver there was no need for her to work if she didn't want to because he would give her all the money she needed. Silver felt it was morally wrong to accept money from him, knowing where it came from. He understood, so Silver began working the three-to-eleven shift in midtown Manhattan. Chance was there every night to drive her home so she didn't have to ride the train home late at night. With her first check, for $113.18, she gave Chance $50.00 for rent. He declined, but she assured him that she would rather pay her own way, that she would feel much better for doing so. Reluctantly, and even though he surely didn't need it, he took it.

Friday was her day off, and one Friday she made up her mind: tonight was the night she was going to seduce Chance. She went to Macy's, where she purchased some inexpensive
lacy lingerie and some perfume. To top things off, she bought some candles for a romantic dinner.

When Chance arrived home, the place smelled of delicious baked chicken, stuffing, and broccoli with cheese sauce. He was impressed, but after dinner she knew he would be even more so. Silver really went all out; she even filled the tub with apple-scented bubble bath and had his slippers ready. When Chance finished taking a bath, he entered a candlelit bedroom with some Luther coming from the speakers.

Silver lay seductively across the king-sized bed wearing a red lace sexy baby doll and thong. Chance stared at her until she felt the heat of a blush warm her face. He finally seemed to gather the nerve to approach. She reached for him and pulled him next to her, gazing into his eyes, while the flickering candles maximized the romantic ambience. Her heart was beating fast as their lips met. Silver's nipples hardened as she felt Chance's butter-soft lips touch her own, then his hot tongue entered her mouth. A strong yearning overwhelmed Silver as his gentle hands explored her body, causing millions of tingly sensations to invade every inch of her. Never before had someone touched her in a manner that felt so soft, so right, and as she lay back and closed her eyes, she felt like she was in heaven. Never in her life would she have imagined that such feelings were possible.

“Silver,” Chance whispered, “I … I've never made love before.”

Eyes closed, Silver smiled. “Me neither, Chance.” She turned and urged him to lie on his back and began to sensuously kiss his chest and neck. Soon he was unable to take it anymore, and he flipped her on her back and returned the favor by softly nibbling on her ears, her lips, and then down to her
neck, all the while expertly moving his hands all over her body. Breathing rapidly and about to burst, Silver cried out, “Put it in … put it in!”

Moments later, she felt Chance's hot manhood slowly enter her, causing her to gasp. Seeking refuge from the pain, she squeezed his hands tighter and tighter as they found their rhythm. Chance slowly filled her with every inch of himself as a stream of her juices burst freely. As the pain ebbed, she gradually widened her legs with each thrust, inviting more and more of Chance inside of her. Tears began to fall from her eyes as the pain turned into erotic, euphoric pleasure. A new world opened for them both as they became a perfect combination in an imperfect world. What a feeling, to love somebody who loved you back as much.

During the weeks
that followed, Silver and Chance were inseparable, redefining the meaning of real love and affection, which had eluded them both for so many years. So much so that Silver made a silent commitment never to lose Chance again, because with him she felt complete, and without him she would be incomplete. When you're totally alone in this big old world, by yourself with no family to lean on, it makes you hold on to the one true person that you have.

Silver and Chance spent many nights talking about their future, but there was one problem they couldn't resolve: Chance's business. Silver was morally opposed to anything that had to do with drugs, and she tried to convince Chance that there were other ways of making a living, because he was extremely intelligent. She even encouraged him to pursue his
education. Reluctantly, Chance explained to her that it was not that simple to walk away from his business because he was in bed with the Italians, and to do so would mean a sure death. Over the next few weeks, Silver nevertheless steadily tried to convince Chance to give up his lifestyle.

“Silver, why do we got to keep going over the same thing?”

“ ‘Cause what you doing is wrong, baby. You, better than anyone, should know how it destroys families.”

“I ain't ruining nobody's life. I ain't putting no gun to nobody's head, forcing them to shoot that shit in their veins!”

“You might as well. You push it, and that's the same thing.”

“I don't make them do shit they don't want to. Shit, they grown!”

Silver shook her head in disappointment. “You know what, Chance? It is so easy for us to look at these addicts and not have compassion for them and write them off by saying they're grown, but what about the ones you don't see, Chance? Do you remember? The ones like you and me … your little sister. Do you remember? If you can't relate to the grown ones, you can at least know what's it like for the children to suffer. Is that what you want?”

Chance angrily shook his head. “No, that's not what I want, but that's just how fucked up this world is. The same fucking world that breaks up your family. The same world that puts you in the home of a rapist who does things to you that you still can't get out of your head. The same fucking world that throws you in jail where a pack of fuckin’ bastards fuck you so bad that you have to get your fucking asshole stitched up! Then, just when you finally heal, you have to get stitched up again ‘cause they ripped you open again.”

Before she could speak, he continued. “Then, after a while, you get smart and learn you got two options—either fight or you get fucked. Well, guess what? I got tired of getting fucked, so I fought. No, strike that—I fuckin’
killed
their asses! All of them, one by one!”

Silver watched mutely while Chance relived the horrors of juvenile hall.

“One night, I decided to get them before they got me. So I smuggled in a spoon, sharpened that bitch up nice and good, and went from bunk to bunk and stabbed each one of them motherfuckers in their throat—five of them—until they choked on their own blood! The courts wanted to put me away for life, but since they saw the pictures from the infirmary with my asshole hanging out, they figured I was the victim, that it was self-defense. I wasn't charged, but they don't just let a nigger off that easy. They threw me in a psychiatric ward and filled me with so much fucking medicine that I didn't even know my fuckin’ name or what fucking year it was, and then they wondered why I was crazy! Fuck that! Nobody gave a shit, so I don't give a shit either! It's sink or swim, and I'm tired of drowning!”

Silver was taken aback by his revelations but remained strong for his sake. “But Chance, don't you see? You had no control. You are not responsible for your past, but you're definitely responsible for your future … and you have choices.”

“Choices? What choices?” Chance said, exasperated.

“The choice to be who you were destined to become!” She took Chance by the hand. “And it's definitely not the purveyor of death and destruction to families!”

THE DIS

T
he summer seemed to go by swiftly, and Silver forgot about her scholarship. Silver had just dropped Missy off at her building after a day of shopping, and was heading over to get the train back to the Bronx. Silver and Chance were actually going out that night on a formal date for the first time—Chance was going to take Silver to the best soul food restaurant in Harlem, Amy Ruth's on 116th Street, just off Lenox—and she wanted to look nice for the occasion. Chance had offered to give Silver a thousand dollars to go shopping, but like always, she refused to accept his money. She had no problem spending the paychecks she received from Wendy's, even though they were barely over $150.00.

Suddenly Silver heard Missy shrieking her name, and she turned to see Missy running through the basketball courts outside her building with a big Kool-Aid smile on her face.

“What's wrong with you?” Silver asked. “You look like you're about to go mad.”

“I'm not going anywhere,” Missy said with a sly smile. “But you are, bitch.”

Silver frowned in confusion. “What are you talking about?”

Missy pulled a letter from behind her back. “I'm talking about this letter from Spelman College. You're in!”

Silver's mouth dropped open before she regained her composure. “Did you read it?”

Missy shook her head. “No, I just know that you're in,” she said proudly. Missy shoved the envelope toward Silver. “Well, open the shit already!”

Silver slowly opened the envelope and read the letter.

“Silver, what does it say?” Missy said.

“I got it … I got a full scholarship to Spelman.”

Jumping for joy, Missy didn't notice Silver was not as elated as she was. Spelman College was in Atlanta, Georgia. Since she and Chance had been together, she had forgotten about the scholarship, but suddenly the reality of having to leave him again intruded. She knew that Chance would put her future ahead of his feelings, even if it meant that he would suffer a thousand days before he would let her suffer one.

While Chance was
in the shower, Silver reread the letter over and over. She pondered whether or not to tell Chance, and then decided against it. As she stared out the window into the twilight, she didn't notice Chance walk up behind her, wrapped in a towel.

“What are you reading?”

Silver was startled by his presence and quickly hid the letter behind her back. “Oh, just some junk mail I got from Missy's house.” She balled up the letter, threw it in the trash can, and
smiled. “I hope you didn't use up all the hot water, as long as you were in there.”

He gave her a hug and kissed her forehead. “I wasn't in there that long. Now get you fine ass dressed before we don't make it to dinner.”

She hugged him again and looked in his eyes. “Do you love me?”

“Do Muslims hate pork?”

She hit him coyly on the chest. “No, Chance, I'm serious.”

He frowned. “Silver, what's wrong?”

“Nothing,” she said, and turned her back on him.

Perplexed, he turned her around. “Silver, I know you, and if something is wrong, I want to know about it.”

Searching his eyes, Silver spoke. “I … I didn't get in.” She put her head down in shame at the lie, but Chance gave her a huge hug and assured her everything would be all right. She felt rotten about lying to him, but justified her action by reasoning that she could always go to City College and still get her degree someday. For now, she wanted to remain by her man's side.

After dinner and
a movie and visiting several game rooms downtown, Silver was exhausted and decided to take a quick shower before ending the night in Chance's arms. While Silver was in the shower, the telephone rang.

“Hello?” Chance said.

“Hey, Chance … how was y'all's first date?” Missy asked.

“It was nice. We had fun.”

“So where is Ms. Thang?”

“She taking a shower. Want me to tell her to call you back?”

“Naw, it's too late. I'm just calling to be nosy and find out how you took the news.”

He glanced over his shoulder and whispered into the phone. “Yeah, she told me. I feel bad that she didn't get into that school.”

“Didn't get in? What are you talking about? She got in. She got a full scholarship and everything.”

Chance froze.

“Chance, you there?”

Chance forced himself to answer. “Yeah, yeah, I'm still here.”

“Oh, shit,” Missy groaned. “She didn't tell you?” She cursed again. “Chance, I'm sorry, I didn't know … oh, fuck me!”

“It's okay,” Chance said. “I must have heard her wrong.” But he knew exactly what was going on.

“Chance?”

“Yeah, I'm here.”

“Chance, do me a favor and don't tell Silver I ran my big fucking mouth, okay? ‘Cause she will kill me!”

“No problem. Listen, I'll talk to you later, okay?”

“All right,” Missy mumbled. “Chance … I'm sorry.”

Chance slowly hung up the phone and thought for a moment. Suddenly his eyes fell upon the garbage pail, and he walked over to it and bent down to remove the balled-up letter. He looked toward the bathroom and began to smooth out the letter.

As the days passed
, Chance started coming home later and later, and then one day he didn't come home at all. Silver beeped him all day and he still didn't call back. Worried, Silver decided to call in sick to work and wait for Chance to come home. When he still didn't come home, she began to fear the worst and decided to take matters into her own hands. She went to 144th Street, where he'd forbidden her to go. As soon as she got out of the cab, she saw Chance in front of his spot with a group of young thugs, shooting some cee-lo. Silver slammed the door, causing everyone to look up.