Hate Me (Worthy Of Love series, #1) (2 page)

'Hey I've got an interesting fact for you,' Matt said. 'Did you kn
ow that some species of sharks have to keep moving or they die?'

'Don
't they need to sleep? I asked, perplexed.

'They
do, but not like we do. They have active and inactive periods. Half of their brain is shut off allowing rest, and the other half controls their movement.'

Matt was just a big ball of facts. He was cute in that dorky sort of way. He caught me staring at him. 'You've changed your mind haven't you? You want to go out with me.'

Scott chortled like it was the funniest thing ever.

'In your dreams,' I s
aid. I knew he was just playing around. If I had any inkling he was serious, I would have let him down gently.

'Burn,' Scott said, laughing harder.

Midway through the class, Mr Sachsen came up with the idea to mix up the groups. Jack and Jennifer ended up joining me, Scott and Matt. Scott couldn’t take his eyes off Jennifer, and she couldn’t stop glancing at Jack. Unfortunately neither could I. I’d had a crush on Jack Daniels; in fact he’d been thirteen, the same age as me, and his sister, a year younger than us. With our history, I’d expected nothing to linger of my long ago crush, but obviously there was
something
still there and I needed to stamp it out before it grew into something bigger. I ignored the butterflies in my stomach. I reminded myself Jack hated me and would always hate me, but not as much as I hated myself for the role I’d played in his family’s tragedy.

‘Ri
ght,’ Mr Sachsen said, 'You lot can show the class what you can do. I want you to read off this script. It was written by none other than moi,' he added, accompanied by a wrist gesture. Mr Sachsen sounded quite proud, as he should be. It was quite the accomplishment. Mr Sachsen handed each of us a copy of his script.

We began our impromptu performance without delay.
Jack and I played a married couple who were sick of each other, but stayed together out of habit. Jennifer, Scott and Matt were our three grown children who had left home, but came to visit every weekend.

Jennifer's acting skills were amaz
ing. She was actually
nice
to me, something I thought Jen would never be able to achieve. I realised the slip up in my head. I used to call her Jen, and she'd call me Mandy. The two of us, along with Jack's sister Lilly had been best friends. Lilly, although new to the school, had quickly won over the hearts of both students and teachers alike. Everybody loved her because her heart was pure and full of love. Lilly had been the kind of girl who could see the good in everything. She never had a bad thing to say about anybody. Lilly's death should have made us closer, instead it had ripped us apart. Jennifer had turned into the mean girl, and led a crusade of girls to attack me verbally and sometimes physically. My hair would be pulled out or I would suddenly be pushed from behind.

Mr Sachsen's clapping startled me. 'Very good. Amanda
, just a suggestion dah-ling, next time try to show a bit more...what's the word I'm looking for...oomph. Don't be so wooden.'

Jennifer sniggered un
der her breath. Nobody else found it funny. Scott and Matt gave me encouraging smiles.

I glanced at Jack. He wasn't even looking in my direction. He was pretending I wasn't there. I knew
it was the least I deserved, but I couldn't quite mask my hurt at his indifference.

'What
's wrong?' Matt asked quietly.

I smiled. 'Nothing,' I lied.
Maybe if I kept telling myself that, I would eventually believe it.

~

I went to the canteen with Scott and Matt, annoyed Jack was with us. At least Jennifer was nowhere in sight. I felt a slight twinge of guilt when I remembered the reason. As much as I disliked Jennifer, and unbelievable as it sounded, I wasn’t callous enough to be gleeful she was bulimic. She wasn’t the only one with problems. I just hid mine better.

I sat ac
ross from Jack. He was in deep conversation with Scott.

'Do you know him?' Matt
asked .

'Who, Jack?' I whispered back.

Matt nodded. 'Did you guys used to date? You've got that whole ex thing going on.'

I nearly
choked on my food. What on earth had given him that idea? 'I've never been in a relationship with Jack.'
Or anyone else for that matter.
I kept that last bit to myself. There was no way I was going to admit to anyone I'd never had a proper boyfriend before. My relationships had never lasted long enough to be even called a relationship. They always found out about my background. All anyone had to do was look me on the internet. A search of my name would show up on the first couple of pages. A more thorough search would reveal the whole story: from beginning to end. If anybody wanted to date me after that...well they were either insane or in love with me which I considered another form of insanity.

'Really?' Matt asked. 'Then why does he keep looking at you like you cheated on him or something.'

I didn't want to get into my history with Jack with Matt. I knew I couldn't avoid it forever, but I wanted to keep up the pretence for as long as possible. As nice as Matt and Scott were, they wouldn't want to know me when they found out from Jennifer. And I had no doubt in my mind it would be from her.

'I don't know,' I
finally said. 'Maybe I remind him of an ex who did that.'

Matt looked at me doubtfully,
but let the subject drop. I hurried up and finished the rest of my sandwich before excusing myself.

I knew I was being co
wardly. I went into the toilets and locked myself in one of the cleaner stalls. I heard a group of girls come in. I stayed silent as I listened to their conversation.

'He is so hot!'

'I know. Tell me about it.'

'What's his nam
e again?'

'Jack.
Jack Daniels,' another sighed.

The friends giggled.
'Don't you think Jennifer and Jack would make a great couple?'

'No. He's mine.'

'Be serious.'

'Fine. They're bot
h perfect for each other. Happy?'

I waited for them all to leav
e. I didn't want to be caught eavesdropping. I left the toilets long after their footsteps were gone. I checked to see if the coast was clear and was startled to see Jack waiting for someone in the hall. He was leaning against the wall with his arms crossed. Jack turned his head. My steps slowed as I reached him. I was stupidly hoping he would be indifferent to me as he had been earlier. I stared at Jack's cold blue eyes.
I had done that to him.
The Jack that had found me annoying, but allowed me to tag along with him and his sister had been so full of warmth and life.

'Stay away from Jennifer,' Jack s
aid. 'Is she your next target?'

I sw
allowed. 'Jack, that's not fair.'

He
gave me a hard look. It twisted his features, but he was still as beautiful as ever. I was ashamed to admit that even to myself. On the outside, I knew I could fool Jack and pretend his words didn't hurt me as much as they did. I also realised I could never let him discover I was having these kind of thoughts. Jack wouldn't hesitate to use them against me.

'You made fun of her bu
limia,' Jack said with disgust.

I
looked down in shame. I knew I shouldn't have mentioned a sensitive topic with callousness and with such little disregard just to get back at someone. Whether Jennifer was being catty or not, I was wrong to use her bulimia against her. 'It was said in the heat of the moment,' I said weakly. I still felt bad for that, but I couldn't bring myself to apologise to Jennifer. If she had been any other person, I would have. But thinking of the hate campaign she had led against me in secondary school and the fact that she hadn't changed one bit, how could I say sorry to
her
? Where was my apology?'

'The heat of moment?' Jack repeated. 'You're unbelievable, you know that? It's bad enough I have to see your face every day, but do you know what's worse than that?
I hate seeing you acting like you're the victim. You don't care who you hurt, just like back then.'

'You don't know me,' I replie
d in a subdued voice.

'I know enough,' Jack said. 'I know whose filthy blood you have running through your veins.'

All at once I felt nauseous. I hurried away from Jack. I made it back to the dorms and to my room without being sick. Thankfully, Rene wasn't in. I stripped the floorboards and took out a razor blade. My hands shook as I held it. I hadn't had an episode in quite a while. The last time had been a month ago. I'd seen a picture of my father as I was packing to move into the dorms. I began cutting myself. I entered a zone where I was at peace. I sighed as I bled. Afterwards, when all the pain and hurt bled out of me, I stopped the blood flow with an old shirt. I dabbed myself with tissue at the last remaining blood and looked at all the mess I had made. Piles of piles of dark red tissues were scattered around me.

I stuffed the blood stained shirt in a
black bag. I wasn't going to dump it where Rene could find it. I hid it under my bed for the meantime. In the morning, I would discard of it properly and somewhere far away from the freshmen dorms. I'd seen a couple of large bins around the campus. I brushed my teeth and went to bed early.

Chapter Three

I woke up feeling
positive despite yesterday's episode. Rene was my best friend, and though it was a shame we weren't on the same course, I was making new friends. I looked forward to seeing Matt and Scott. Before that I had things to do.

I checked in Rene's room and smiled to myself. Sh
e was spread eagle on the bed. Her hair, which took her hours to straighten every day was reverted back to its originally curly state. I actually thought Rene looked better like that, and had told her on a number of occasions, but Rene was convinced it was going to take away her reputation for being a no-nonsense kind of girl and make her appear soft, thereby diminishing the effects of her piercings and scary grim reaper tattoo. I closed the door quietly and returned to my room to retrieve the black bin bag under my bed.

I
left Austen Halls, which had been named after Jane Austen, the author of Pride and Prejudice. Our dorm didn't just consist of English Lit students, but had a mixture of Science, Math and Psychology students. Montgomery was different from other universities in that regard. As it was renowned for its English department, all dorms were named after a writer from the 19th Century. The building itself was historical and being a red brick university, Montgomery had its fair share of international students.

I
carried the black bag under my arm and dumped it in their wheelie bins. A Korean girl smiled at me. I only knew she was Korean because of the small flag on her shirt. I returned the smile and could tell she was a little curious as to why I was hanging around her dorms. For the most part, the locals didn't mix well with the International students. They preferred to keep to themselves and had a set of friends from their own ethnic groups. The Chinese hung around with Chinese, Ghanaians with Ghanaians, Arabs with Arabs and so on.

'
Unni!
' someone called. I assumed it was her name and thought it was  quite lovely sounding. Mine was boring and plain, and Mum admitted to me she hadn't thought it through,
because I'd been a difficult birth.
She felt pressured to come up with something and said the first name in her head: Amanda.

I shoved my hand
s in my pockets and made a quick detour to the cafe on campus. I bought a caramel latte and sipped slowly after nearly burning my throat in an effort to warm myself faster.

Afterwards I
walked to the lecture hall which was on the other side of the campus. I was envious of a couple sitting on a bench. He was looking at her like she was his whole world. I wondered what it would be like for someone to look at me that way?
Don't go there, Amanda
. I wasn't worthy to be loved. I stepped on the fallen Autumn leaves. The leaves from the trees lined up on either side of me were various shades of green, yellow, orange and purple. With Autumn, came the sign of change. Did I dare hope
something
would change for me this year? Even if one other person other than Rene was nice to me despite any rumours they heard about me, It would be enough.
It had to be enough.

I attended my morning lecture and noticed an absence of Jennifer. Without their ring leader, her friends could do nothing but send me hateful glares, which I was long used to. I had never once expected the past to be buried as my mother still mistakenly believed would happen. This would follow us for the rest of our lives. We had been offered the chance to live in anonymity because our house had been
badly trashed on a number of occasions. Broken windows, graffiti on the walls, eggs splattered on the doors, you name it, they did it. My mother had refused. As far as she was concerned, she hadn't done anything wrong and so, why should she be treated like a criminal? We moved house after much persuasion by the police but against better judgement, we stayed in Montgomery, a small city most people had never heard of. Montgomery was a town compared to London. Our overall population was somewhere close to three thousand. I stared out the window.