Hated by Many, Loved by None 3 (5 page)

“
Cool, the locksmith is already here,” I said as I looked at the driveway of my house and noticed the locksmith’s company van sitting there.

“
Good, cause Lord knows I’m tired and ready to get in somebody’s bed,” my cousin, Kira, said in her Southern drawl.

“
You think he gonna open it up for you”?” B.B. asked as he pulled in behind the truck.

“
Shit, he better. Either way, I’m getting in.”

I got out of the car very
carefully. I was already in enough pain and didn’t want to cause any more. I had tripped out when I realized that my keys were missing and almost passed out up in that muthafuckin’ hospital. B.B. and the nurses were trying to get me to get back in my bed, but I wasn’t trying to hear that. Knowing my shit was missing wouldn’t allow me to even rest until I got here and verified that everything was cool.

“
Hi, I’m Larry,” the locksmith introduced himself. “The office said you needed to get inside and get a spare key”?”

“
Yea, I got into a car accident and the hospital misplaced my keys,” I said hoping he wouldn’t ask any more questions and just open up the damn door.

He looked me up and down and then walked over to the front door where he pulled open a small tool box. He looked at the knob and then down at his tools before he pulled one out. He grabbed the knob and my heart felt like it dropped into the bottom of my stomach when the door opened at the mere touch of his hand.

I pushed him out the way and rushed into the house, moving as quickly as my body would allow me to. I took big steps down the hallway until I made it to the back bedroom. Above the California King bed was a big ass hole in the wall where my safe used to be. On the bed was the humungous picture that was used as a cover. I know that it was the most typical place to put a safe, but no one knew about the shit, but me and three other people—Kira, B.B., and Rain.

“
Ah fuck!”

I turned around to see B.B. and Kira standing behind me. My chest rose and fell
rapidly as I worked to catch my breath and get something out. My words were caught up in my throat and I couldn’t even form my lips properly to get anything out. I placed my hands on my hips and took one deep breath after another. My head became heavy and I knew that meant I was close to fainting. I fell back on the bed and dropped my head into my hands.

“
Call an ambulance, Kira,” B.B. told her. I looked at her and shook my head no.

“
You sure, baby boy? You look bout as white as a ghost right now,” Kira said, examining my face.

I nodded my head up and down and continued to take deep breaths. Slowly, I started to feel like all the oxygen was filling back up in my head.

“I think that bitch got my shit. It’s out of her and Jahzara and I doubt Jahzara had time to leave the hospital and come here. I need to go to fucking Maryland.”

“
Hello,” I said into the receiver.

“
Yea,” Imran said on the other line as if the sound of my voice bothered him.

“
I wanted to check to see if you had found your keys.”

“
Nope. Somebody stole my shit.”

“
Oh my God!” I sat forward in the hospital bed and placed my left hand over my chest.

Imran had been the only thing on my mind since he
’d came into my hospital room yesterday. I wanted to hate him and no longer wanted to have feelings for him, but seeing him made me think about all the good times we’d had together. I had come to regret all of the things I had done wrong, and all of the times I had made him feel like I didn’t love him.

I was confused after I received the divorce papers in the mail. I was hurt and the last thing I had needed was to enter into a relationship so suddenly. Even then, I still cared about Imran
. Now I see that a lot of my actions suggested otherwise. If I could turn back the hands of time, I would. I would have never walked into that abortion clinic and killed our child. I would have accepted Imran’s marriage proposal and I would have married him.

I felt so damn stupid after I rationalized everything that I had done. Imran was a good ass man
. He had treated me with nothing but respect and I walked all over him. I didn’t deserve him, but I wanted him. I wanted him more than ever now. I wanted another chance with him and I was willing to do what I had to do to show him that.

“
Look, I’m handling some business right now. Let me hit you back later, Jahzara. You good?” Imran asked, in a rushed manner.

“
Yes, I’m good, but Imran-”” I said, but suddenly my mind became boggled and confused.

I had so much I wanted to say to him, but
all of a sudden, I was nervous as fuck. I took the consent form the doctors had me fill out for my surgery and began to fan myself with it.

“
I just wanted to tell you that I need you, Imran. I know I fucked up before, but I hope you understand that I was so lost and confused. Sitting up in this hospital and seeing you yesterday made me realize how much you mean to me. Babe, I want another chance to show you that I’m a real woman that rides for her man. Not that childish shit that I was doing before. Going back and forth between you and Quin. Killing your seed, and shit like that. That’s not me at all. My head was so fucked up and out of place that I just didn’t realize what the hell I was doing.”

“
That all sounds good, ma’, but you got me in a lot of shit that I’m still fighting to get out of it. I don’t know if you and me will work. True, I loved you like a muthafucka and this would have been all worth it if you had loved me the same, but-”

“
But I do love you the same, Imran!” I cried. “I was scared because of the betrayal I had felt from Quin. It was all so fresh. You gotta understand that.”

“
I understand, but it doesn’t change anything that happened though. How do I know you won’t run out on me again? Leave me when I need you the most. I mean, how do I know that you’re only saying this because your husband is dead and you just don’t wanna be lonely?”

I had to think about what Imran was saying and actually ask myself if that had been true. Was I just feeling like this because I had no one else to run to
, or did I really want to be with him? Did I really want him in my life because I loved him, or was I just afraid of being alone? I listened to my heart; it was speaking a lot clearer than my mind.

“
Quin was a loser and it took all of this for me to know that. I had a good man in you, and I took advantage of that. I’m not asking for you to forget everything that happened, I just want a chance to show you better,” I said, speaking straight from the heart.

“
I hear ya, ma’, I hear ya. Look, I’m a get back up with you and see how you doing in a couple of days. When are you supposed to be leaving the hospital?” Imran asked.

“
I have surgery next week,” I told him. “After that, the doctor said I will probably have to stay for about four to five more days.”

“
Okay, maybe I’ll come back through there next week and wait until you’re out of surgery and sit with you for a little while. Right now, I really need to get this lil situation handled. I think Rain is the one that got my keys and stole my shit. I’m like twenty minutes away from Maryland where I think she might be at.”

“
Oh wow, I knew it was something about her, but—never mind, I really don’t have any room to speak on anyone else and what they’ve done to you. All I can do is speak for myself. I know that if given another chance, I would do so much better than before. I would ride for you the same way I did Quin until he fucked me over. I don’t know if you know or not, but I rode hard for that nigga. It just fucked me up so bad when he betrayed me the way he did. I should’ve just been straight up with you from day one and told you that I wasn’t ready for you.”

“
But you ready now?” Imran asked and I could hear the skepticism in his voice.

“
Hell yea I’m ready! I hope that I see you next week when I come out of surgery.”

“
You will, ma’.”

Imran and I said a few more words to each other before we both hung up the phone. I hoped that he could feel the words that I was saying to him and know that I was for real about my shit. I was a strong woman through and through
. Although I had fucked up, I was willing to admit my mistakes and make that shit right.

I sat back in my bed and closed my eyes
, praying that Imran would be here next week. I really need that. I knew my parents would be here to sit by my side, but if he was here it would make it all that much better.

It was 2:30 in the afternoon and I was just now getting out of bed. I hadn’t realized how tired I was until I finally laid down to get some rest. I honestly hadn’t had any real sleep since I had made it into Dallas, crying and calling Imran for his help. I would get an hour or two here and there, but never anything that would allow my body to cope from all the stress I had been putting on it. Sadly, now that I had actually slept, I felt more exhausted than I had before I laid down last night. The aches and pains that I thought were minor felt more severe that I had perceived them to be.

I walked into the bathroom and immediately spotted my reflection in the mirror. My eyes were puffy and swollen and my skin was in major need of some care. I took the brush off the counter and brushed my hair upwards into a neat ponytail. Turning on the water, I took a handful and splattered it across my face.

I took in a deep breath and shook my head. Sometimes I hated looking at my damn self. I looked so much like my mother that it freaked me out whenever I passed a mirror. My mother was the main reason I struggled with addiction problems. She was abusive to me physically and emotionally. I swear she hated me. It was like she was jealous of me for some strange reason and would do whatever she could to see me suffer.

I had heard from my auntie that my mother always suffered with insecurities about her looks.
As a dark chocolate woman she was teased a lot when she was growing up and felt like she couldn’t get a good man because of her looks. When I had come into the world, she had no idea what I would look like because she didn’t know my father was. My auntie said that at first she was happy that I was so beautiful, but as I got older and she realized that I was mixed with something, she hated me. She hated the fact that people always told me how pretty I was and how beautiful my skin was. After finding out that she was jealous of me and didn’t really love me made perfect sense. All I knew was that she tried to destroy me and I had to do everything in my power to ensure that she had never won that battle.

I took a washcloth and wet it with some warm water and then placed it over my face, hoping that it would help with some of the swelling I was experiencing. I allowed the towel to just sit on my face as I made my way back to the bedroom. Sitting on the side of the bed, I picked up my cell phone to see if I had missed calls or text messages from Chino. I hadn
’t heard from him since yesterday evening and I was hoping that everything went according to plan.

I had a total of twenty one missed calls and when I clicked down on the phone icon, they were all from my cousin Jina. My heart fluttered in my chest and my head began to throb. I pressed down on the last missed call from her and placed the phone to my ear. I waited until she picked up.

“Hey Rain! I’ve been calling you all night and morning. You’re okay?” Jina asked joyfully.

“
Yea, I’m good girl. What’s wrong? What got you blowing up my phone like this?”

“
Imran called back yesterday asking a whole lot of questions. He asked so many questions that I got scared and hung up on him. He was sounding like a damn fool girl. What you done did to that boy?” Jina laughed, but I didn’t find any humor in the situation.

I quickly stood to my feet and marched over to the closet to grab something to put on. I had a few clothes over here from the times I used to sneak off from Yurie
’s bed to spend with Chino. I quickly put on a pair of jeans and then grabbed the first shirt I saw, not caring whether or not it matched.

“
What kind of questions was he asking, Jina?” I asked as I held the phone between my shoulder and my ear.

“
He was just asking when the last time I had seen you. If I knew if you were in Maryland for sure. He wanted to know where me and Ma lived. He was asking if you had gone shopping and just crazy stuff, girl. I started acting like the phone started tripping and hung up on him. He called back a few times, but I didn’t answer.”

“
Oh God, okay Jina. I’ll call you back,” I said. I quickly hung up the phone and rushed to get a small bag to throw some personal items in.

Damn it! I should
’ve known Imran was smarter than that. I should’ve just killed him. Why the fuck didn’t I kill him? He knows, damn it, he knows!

I went through my call log on my phone and quickly dialed Chino
’s number. I needed him to come and get me because we needed to get the fuck out of town immediately. I didn’t wanna hear shit about him and his niggas having shit under control either.