Have a New Husband by Friday (11 page)

If it comforts you, you are not alone. The world is full of such men. In my counseling practice, I’ve met some guys who are—to put it mildly—creeps. They’d bed anything that moved, and they just about do. They break their vows of marital faithfulness over and over again.

One man told me, in front of his wife, “I’m a good husband. I’ve only had four or five other women since I’ve been married. I don’t know why that’s not good enough for her.”

You know what my advice was to that woman, after several counseling sessions of hearing the same kind of nonsense from her husband? “Dump the chump!” Without intervention from almighty God, that man was simply incapable of love, and that woman and her children had suffered under him for 23 years. Now her children were out of the home, and that woman needed and deserved to be free of his abuse. She had paid for her crime of falling in love with him for long enough.

If you look backward in your relationship, do you see early signs that your husband was a controller? Did you make excuses for him? The profile for a controller is that he’s always right. When he’s wrong, it’s someone else’s fault, never his. So he always needs a scapegoat. And his psychological (or physical) punching bag is . . . guess who? You.

It has to stop. Now.

Maybe when you married him, you thought you could change him. You’ve spent your entire marriage trying to accomplish that, and it’s not working. He may have a decent job, but morally he’s bankrupt. Behaviorally he’s bankrupt because he didn’t grow up in a healthy environment. He’s patterning the dishonesty, arrogance, laziness, infidelity, and abuse he saw in his own home. If you started out with a man who came from a dysfunctional background, the chances of your husband doing a 180 are slim, even if you follow every principle in this book.

Can such a man change? Sure, there’s always hope. But spiritual renewal is about the only way I know of to change that guy. You can try to rub the stripes off that zebra until your hands are raw, but he’ll still be a zebra, not a horse.

If you don’t start with good, quality material in building your house, the foundation will crack, then the walls, and eventually the entire house will cave in. The foundation of your marriage has to be built right—cemented with the mortar of trust, mutual admiration, mutual respect, and kindness. Without that, you need to be realistic: your marriage isn’t going to last. Or if it does, at what price? What price will you and your children (if any) pay by allowing your husband to continue treating you as he is?

Some women live every day with a husband who drinks, carouses, parties, and picks up and sleeps with other women. Is that really what you want the rest of your life to be like? Your husband needs professional help. If he’s not willing to get that help, then you need to make some choices for you and your future, especially if children are involved.

Ask Dr. Leman

Q:
I’ve been married for 25 years. Our marriage should be good. I’m the firstborn, and Hal’s the baby of the family (I just read your book
Born to Win
)—but he was one of those manipulative, scheming babies who got away with everything. He took advantage of his own mother in just about every situation imaginable.

During our marriage, Hal’s had three affairs—one just a month after we got married, one ten years into our marriage, and one just last year. He even took one of my girlfriends out to make me jealous!

I’ve had it. But I grew up in a home where divorce wasn’t an option, and I can’t get that out of my head. I told him we needed to talk, and he said, “What about?” I told him I needed a break—from him. He agreed not to tell our teenage daughter anything but good-bye. But he came back later, when he knew I’d be gone for an hour, and told her that he didn’t want to leave but I was making him leave. He never told her about his affairs. He just said everything was my fault. I don’t want to bad-mouth the father of my child, but what do I do? Help! I’m drowning.

Elise, Rhode Island

A:
You’re the classic pleaser married to the controller. Controllers are usually firstborns, but you can find a sociopathic type of personality at the bottom of the family as well. That’s what you have. All these years he’s been bleeding you dry and taking advantage of you. It needs to stop. He’s had it good all these years—he can come and go from home as he pleases, his laundry gets done, he’s fed, he’s not accountable to anyone, and he’s having sex with other women on the side (and probably still with you). Why would he want to leave home or change?

But in this case, you need to take a stand. That man can no longer be welcome in your home. Your daughter, as a teenager who has watched how her daddy has treated you, needs to be told the truth (not the blow-by-blow version, mind you, but the overall detail that her father has had three affairs during your marriage). Meet with an attorney to see what your options are. Now is your time to play hardball. Do you really want to live the rest of your life like this? You—and your daughter—are worth more than that.

Checkup, Anyone?

Every six months I go to the dentist. You know, the dentist sends you the card that says, “Kevin, it’s that time again. Time to clean the ivories.”

The last time I was in for a checkup, I teased my dental hygienist, “You get awfully happy over the fact that I floss.”

“Now, Dr. Leman,” she said, “you know how important that is.”

Yes, I know, so I buy the stupid plastic things at Walgreens to make flossing easier. I’m not a great flosser, but I’m better than I used to be. We all need those checkups once in a while. If we don’t take care of the plaque, it could build up on our teeth and lead to dental problems. If we don’t have doctor checkups, cholesterol could build up in our veins and cause a major heart attack.

In the same way, your marriage needs a checkup once in a while.

If you’re married to a user, you have to stand up for yourself. You have to develop “no” power. You owe it to yourself, your kids, and the next generation.

I once received a poignant letter from a woman who was in deep shock. Through her husband’s carelessness, she found a receipt for some flowers he’d purchased midday at a local grocery store. They were described as “Special $12.99 Roses.”

So, of course, she was expecting roses to show up. Then she looked at the date on the receipt. It was three days earlier on a weekday.

She began to be suspicious that her husband was having an affair. What did this smart woman do? She hired a private investigator to tail the sucker and got the whole report about where he’d been and what he’d done, including pictures.

Turns out that her husband, who was in sales, had been shacking up with her best friend (whom she’d known since high school) during lunch a couple of blocks away from her house. The other woman’s husband was an airline pilot and gone for three or four days at a time. These were women who went out to lunch together, whose kids were in soccer together, who talked eyeball to eyeball about haircuts, fashions, shoes, and kids.

“Dr. Leman,” she asked, “what do I do?”

“You go to your girlfriend,” I said, “and you say, ‘So, are you going to tell your husband, or am I?’ You talk straight with your husband too, and show him the proof. Then you watch the proverbial stuff hit the fan.”

Sure, you could try counseling if you’re in that situation, but usually the hurt is so deep and devastating, and the violation of the marriage and a friendship so profound, that there would be little chance of your relationship being put back together. The hurt simply doesn’t go away; the reminders are too many and too personal.

As you might have guessed, this couple didn’t make it. The husband couldn’t understand why it was such a big deal to his wife (“It was just sex; it wasn’t like a relationship,” he told her), and the wife refused to put up with such thinking or behavior (and rightfully so). Within a month, she began to pursue a divorce. She confronted both her husband and her best friend separately and told them directly how much they had hurt her, violated her trust, and done irreparable damage to both families.

Because she couldn’t rid her mind of the images of the two of them together and still live in the neighborhood, she found a home in a town nearby (20 minutes away). She kept her same job but moved the children to a smaller school so neither she nor they would be in contact with her former best friend or her children any longer. She pursued a sharp attorney who protected her rights and her children’s rights while allowing them to have weekend and holiday contact with their father.

She told me in a follow-up session that when the shocking news circulated around their rather close neighborhood, her former best friend had left for work one day . . . and didn’t come back. Her husband received an email saying that she thought it was best she move to another state, and that she was granting him full custody of the children. That man stepped up to the plate. He rearranged his work schedule so he could work from home four days a week. On Friday and often half of Saturday, his mother, who lived an hour away, took care of his two children (who were four and seven) so he could finish any projects that needed office time.

If you’ve faced a similar situation—you’ve been betrayed and your trust has been violated by people close to you—you aren’t alone. It happens to women across the nation every day—and with their best friends. (Ironically, the woman I counseled and her husband were the two people voted “most likely to marry and live happily ever after” in their senior class in high school.)

So you call your attorneys, and you begin divorce proceedings. But the tough thing about divorce is that everyone pays. Kids pay emotionally; you pay financially, relationally, and emotionally; and your husband (although he might not seem sorry now) will pay down the road in his future relationships.

That’s why it’s worth it to:

1. Set time aside to really get to know your man. Observe how he interacts with his family. Watch how his dad treats his mom and how his mom treats his dad. These are all clues to how your husband was treated growing up and to discovering what patterns he will continue to follow in his relationship with you. (For some of you, this advice can help you choose more wisely the second time around.)

2. Make sure you put each other first and communicate every day to keep your heart connection close.

3. Don’t go to bed angry.

4. Don’t leave issues unresolved.

Ask Dr. Leman

Q:
My husband lies about everything. He lied on his job application about smoking, drinking, and drug usage (I’ve caught him snorting cocaine seven times over the past couple years). He’s always very secretive and doesn’t like me going into the den when he’s working late at night. He constantly maxes out our credit card, making major purchases (like a boat I’ve never been on!) without talking to me about it, and he’s getting us deeply into financial trouble. What do I do?

A:
Confront that man. Tell him immediately you need to talk. Tell him that he needs professional help for his chemical dependency. With his secretive behavior, it’s also quite possible that he’s hooked on pornography and he doesn’t want you to know. To find out for sure, click on the “history” button on his computer, and you’ll be able to track what he’s viewed recently.

Has he asked you to perform sex acts that you would consider kinky or that you’re uncomfortable with? Has he forced you to do things you don’t want to do sexually? That’s another clue he might be involved in pornography.

Also, check out the charges on your credit card to see what exactly they are. Again, you might find pornography is involved. If so, confront him. Don’t say, “Are you watching pornography?” if you know it’s true. Don’t give him the wiggle room to get out of it. Instead, say, “I know you’re involved with pornography. It’s filthy, disgusting, and degrading to all women and to me, and it has to stop. I won’t allow you to live in this home if you continue such practices. You need to make an appointment immediately with a counselor to talk about that and about your continual lying.” If you are a cosigner, you may want to put a hold on that credit card and not allow any more charges.

That man is using you. Don’t tolerate his behavior. You need to insist he get professional help; if not, he needs to leave your home and not be allowed back in. A liar can’t be trusted, and neither can a sexual pervert. He has no place in your home.

“No” Power

If there is abuse of any kind (physical, sexual, emotional, or verbal) in the marital relationship, I draw the line. Your husband, preferably, has to leave, or you do. You cannot remain in the same household. If that means bringing things to a head, so be it. If your husband is physically abusive, though, make sure you have carefully laid out your plans about when you can pack and leave (when he’s not home) and where you can go to be safe in both the short term and the long term.

“But, Dr. Leman,” you say, “he’s a deacon in the church. It’ll embarrass him and ruin his ministry.”

I don’t care who he is. He could even be the pastor of the church. (Such abuse happens more often than we think.) You cannot put yourself or your children in harm’s way because of an abusive male. You also can’t live on eggshells 24-7, waiting for the next blowup.

You can try counseling first. You can say, “Listen, I’ll go with you, I’ll hold your hand, I’ll be your cheerleader if you’re willing to change, but I can’t do it for you. You have to handle this one-on-one and face it.”

You have to say no and put the responsibility back in his court. Let me say this clearly: You weren’t put on this earth to be walked on by anyone, especially your husband. You do not have to be a slave dog to your guy. You are worth far more than that.

If you give a controller an inch, he’ll take a mile. That’s why you have to draw the line firmly and quickly and have high standards. If your husband is cussing you out, swearing at you, and telling you you’re no blanking good, you should not tolerate that. At all. Any kind of intimidating, disrespectful behavior isn’t to be tolerated in marriage for
any
reason.

You can’t live on eggshells 24-7, waiting for the next blowup.