Have a New Kid by Friday (35 page)

If you’re a person of faith, you are bound by the command in Ephesians 4:31–32 to be kind to one another. How is your family doing in that aspect of life?

I guarantee that, as you go through lifeas a parent, you’ll have hassles. If you are truthful, you’ll lock horns with some people. Jill, the mom of a kindergarten daughter, had to confront continual unkindness in another kindergartener by talking to that girl’s mother. “Oh, no, my child would never say that,” the defensive mom claimed. “Your daughter must be lying.”

“I can understand your initial response,” Jill said, “because I would have done the same thing—defended my daughter—if someone told me that. But I want you to know that I heard your daughter’s remark with my own ears. Your daughter did say that, and my daughter was greatly hurt by it.”

All Jill could do was state her case. Then it was up to the other adult to continue to live in La-La Land (thinking her perfect daughter could never do such a thing, or hiding from Jill so she didn’t have to meet Jill’s eyes after that point) or to confront the behavior in her daughter. If she chose to pretend the event never happened, she would continue being a weak parent. And her daughter would someday make a statement even less kind in an audience that might react more vociferously.

The wise parent addresses the behavior when it happens—no excuses. And life doesn’t go on until a heartfelt apology is made.

Should you always fight your child’s battles for her? Certainly not. But sometimes, as in this case, the stakes are high. Jill was defending her child against a racial slur that was deeply hurtful—even more so because Jill’s child was the only ethnic child in that class.

Some children are mean without knowing it, and some are mean because they want to be mean. Everyone will say dumb things sometimes. But whether it was meant or not, if your child says hurtful words to someone else, she deserves to know the truth about how she hurt that person. And life cannot go on until the apology is delivered to the injured party.

No exceptions.

Wardrobe Issues (Clothes, Hair, Makeup)

Did you know that children wear costumes every day? They may look like clothes, but they’re actually carefully thought-out costumes. The way your child walks, talks, and acts is all part of her persona. Each time she switches clothes, she’s trying on a new personality. No wonder she spends so much time in front of the mirror!

From day 1, children will always express themselves differently than the main culture (their “parentals”). When I was dean of students at the University of Arizona during the Vietnam War, a Marine Corps colonel asked me how to get his teenage son to cut his hair and stop wearing T-shirts that said, “We don’t want your freakin’ war.”

“Well, sir,” I told him, “the hair part is easy. Just grow your hair long and he’ll cut his. As for the wardrobe . . . give it a couple months past graduation.”

Every child wants to be different from his parents. Interestingly, when that colonel’s son started to get job interviews, the antiwar T-shirt got packed away, his hair was clipped stylishly short, and out came wingtip shoes and a fine business suit. Within months after graduation, that young man was absorbed into adult culture as he began earning his first check in corporateas he began earning America.

Children will go through different stages, and most of them will be fairly harmless. The important thing is to stay tuned to the inner workings of your child. What’s going on in your child’s heart? Is she compassionate and kind? Is he responsible? These are the things that will endure, not the wardrobe.

Fashions change. Just look at the history of any young society in America and you’ll see that young people have always distinguished themselves from older people by the way they dress. So why are we parents making mountains out of molehills? Did your parents always like what you wore? I noticed recently, when I was at a college basketball game, how baggy the shorts are today—going way below the knees. I figure if I just wait a few years, the regular shorts I always wear will be back in style.

So what if your 14-year-old son wears baggy pants that two people could fit into? Just make sure he’s got a serviceable belt so no one de-pants him, I say. But if all of a sudden your child is dressing only in all black, wearing Goth makeup and leather, then clothing is becoming a mountain. Why? Because with that clothing, your child is trying on a persona that could take her into dangerous territory.

As the parent, you have every right to exercise vitamin N (No) in your child’s life, and those decisions need to be based on your belief system. However, I urge you not to make the small things a battle. If your child feels she needs a $60 pair of jeans to fit in with her peers, let her spend the money from her allowance for them. Or give her a certain budget for school clothes every year and let her spend it as she wishes. That means she may buy 2 designer-label shirts, 1 pair of jeans, and 1 jacket instead of a whole wardrobe from Old Navy, but who cares in the long run? That’s the small stuff . . . she’s the one who will have the diminished wardrobe and will have to keep up with the laundry to have those precious items clean for school.

It’s no sweat off your back, and
you
don’t have to wear the clothes, so why not let your child be a little creative and learn from the experience?

When Life Isn’t Fair

Whoever said life would be fair was lying.

When your child gets bullied, picked on, or put down, the best salve is to say to your child, “You know, honey, that really must have hurt. But as your mom/dad, I noticed how you handled that, and you handled it really well. You didn’t strikeback, and you didn’t call him names, even though he was thoughtless and mean-spirited. There are a lot of people like that in life, unfortunately. I’m proud of how you handled the situation.”

If you say such things to your child, you’ll be giving him the inoculation that says, “I can weather this thing. My parent believes in me.”

With any bully, what goes around eventually comes around. Even if you aren’t around to see it.

And sometimes it comes around creatively.

Karyn, a first grader, was continually bullied by Tyler, another first grader. Day after day he’d get in her face, and they’d go at it verbally. One day her mom asked, “What do you think he’d do if you didn’t fight back?”

Karyn decided to try that. Three days later, she came running to her mom’s car after school. “Guess what? Tyler says he wants to be my friend now. He says I’m no fun to pick on anymore because I don’t fight back.”

It takes two people to fight. Fighting truly is an act of cooperation. When one quits the fight, the other often does too.

Whining

“But, Da-ad . . .”

“Mommy, he saaaaaaid . . .”

My favorite one-liner on this topic is: when you get too much whine, you need to build a whine cellar.

The truth of the matter is, there are whiners in this world for sure. I’ve seen far too many of them, andthey’re not pleasant people. The whiner only continues because whining has paid off in the past. Whiners know that whining keeps Mom or Dad over the proverbial barrel and the child in charge. And we parents are dumb enough to fall for it. As soon as we give in to the child’s demand, we’ve added fuel to the fire of the whining. It’ll ramp up the next time.

Children are addicted to routine. So don’t start a habit with them that you don’t want to continue. Never
ever
pay off whining with any kind of reward. A whine fest always starts meekly, then crescendos into a “But, Mom . . . !”

The smart mom or dad will pick up the child and say, “If you want to whine, whine outside. I don’t want to hear it.”

What’s the purposive nature of the child’s behavior? To get your attention and to get what he wants. When both purposes are removed, as well as the audience (you), whining isn’t fun anymore.

Youth Activities/Church Youth Activities

“We go to one church, but my son wants to go to youth group at another church. How should we handle that?”

Lots of children (especially teens) want to go to youth activities at another church. Usually there are good reasons for that. Some churches have really cool youth groups;others are stodgy and old-fashioned and plain uninteresting. Or just maybe there’s some cute girl or guy who seems awfully interesting at the other church’s group.

Parent, if you are going to pick a fight because your child wants to go to someone else’s church, there’s a clinical term to describe you: nuts! Be glad your child at least wants to go to church! Would an alternative—sitting on the corner smoking crack cocaine—be better?

Encourage your child to do that kind of thing, if he’s interested. It might mean an extra drive, but happily agree to get your child there. Ask him if his buddy’s family could get him home so you could get his younger siblings to bed on time. That way there is some give and take in the relationship, and you’re not the one doing all the running.

Part of developing good Attitude, Behavior, and Character in your child is for him to associate with other children who think along the same lines—children who aren’t clones of each other but whose families have an interest in the spiritual side of life. Some children who go to youth groups will have a personal relationship with our Creator; others go just for the fun time.