Have a New Kid by Friday (37 page)

Stan, New York

“My youngest daughter, Mary, has always been achallenge, but her behavior ramped up a notch whenshe turned 4. Nobody wanted to babysit for me anymore because they said Mary was impossible to control. I knew I had to do something. I was letting a 4-year-old ruleour home. My husband and I couldn’t even go out forour once-a-month date night anymore because she was such a handful. We tried your strategies, and they work! After she threw a screaming fit, Mary spent 20 minutesoutside our kitchen door, peering in while the rest of the family ate chocolate cake, her favorite dessert . . . andthere wasn’t any left over when she was finally done with her power tantrum. I waited 3 days, then made chocolate cake again. This time Mary joined us with no fussingand even said ‘please’ when I asked if she’d like a piece! That’s incredible in our home. My other children justlooked at me with big eyes. My oldest child winked andsaid, ‘Guess it’s working, Mom.’”

Betty, Iowa

“Devin was always a great kid. Then he turned 14. All of a sudden he started wearing black all the time, gothis entire arm tattooed without our permission, refused to participate in family activities, wouldn’t go to churchwith us anymore, and was surly every time I asked hima question. I finally sighed and gave up, figuring it wasjust a phase. I hoped he’d outgrow it. But it bugged mejust the same. He always expected us to be there forhim when he wanted something—like to be driven to afriend’s house—but he never showed us any respect. Finally I decided I’d refuse to drive him anywhere afterschool. It took 3 days of him calling me ‘stinkin’ crazy’and telling me it was my problem before he finally gotquiet and asked why . . . but what followed was the first good conversation we’ve had for nearly 6 months. Thatwas last night, and tonight he not only showed up for ourfamily dinner, he asked what he could do to help. I knowthe fight isn’t all over, but at least now we’re talking.”

Jane, Illinois

“Dinnertime was always a big battle zone. Neitherof my kids ever liked what I cooked, and they alwayscomplained. Based on your principles, I decided that I’dmake dinner for my husband and myself and just servemy kids empty plates. They couldn’t believe it! But theygot the message. I’m not on this earth to be a short-ordercook for them. And guess what? Last week theyeven offered to cook dinner for all of us . . . and theycleaned up too!”

Amy, Texas

“My son didn’t find a job after college, so he settled inback at home. Two years later, he was still at home, andit didn’t seem like he was making any effort to find a job. I work full time and take care of my aging mother, so I’m gone from home a lot. I’d come home to stacks ofdirty dishes and Nate sitting on the couch, eating pizza. Itwasn’t until I took your principles to heart and got toughthat things changed. I told him that to earn his keep,there were certain things he’d have to do around thehouse—and I left him a big list. I also stopped paying forcable TV and his Internet service, and I bought only thefood I needed and took a stash from my pantry in to workand over to my mother’s. His first response was shock,then anger. But after 3 weeks, he knew I meant business. I was asking him to stand up and be a man instead of ababy. Two weeks after that, he started job hunting andnow has a job that pays for his own apartment.”

Kari, Indiana

“I can’t believe I’m writing a letter to tell you thisbecause I’m not a letter-writing kind of guy. In the last 3 years, my wife and I have felt exhausted constantlybecause we couldn’t get our 6-year-old, Jessie, to stayin bed. She’s always roaming the house all through thenight, asking for drinks of water and snacks. We tookyour advice and insisted she stay in bed. When she didn’t, we firmly closed the door and ignored her crying. (Shedidn’t know it, but we had a baby monitor hidden in theroom so we’d know if she was really in trouble.) After 3 nights of this, Jessie was exhausted. She fell asleep. Ever since, she has stayed in bed on her own! Thank youfor giving us our life and some private time back! My wifewould thank you too . . . but she’s sleeping.”

Martin, Oregon

I’ve followed all of your principles, and I still have a 4-year-old with a mouth. Recently we were on my uncle’sboat, and Christopher began to fuss and complain abouteverything. I told him if he didn’t settle down immediately, there would be no amusement park tomorrow.

(Wednesday is Kiddie Day, so we save by going then.) Hekept whining. I got really embarrassed and angry and toldhim we were not going to go to his favorite restaurant—across the lakefront—for lunch. Still no results.

He finally settled down a half hour later in therestaurant, after my husband gave him a swat on his behind.

I need more help in a hurry. If there’s any way you couldemail me back some advice, I’d be glad to pay for it.

1. When Christopher fussed, you told him to stop
immediately.
Basically that’s never a good ideabecause most 4-year-olds aren’t good at stopping anything immediately.

2. You threatened Christopher twice. First you toldhim there would be no amusement park tomorrowunless he settled down. Then you told him you were not going to lunch at his favorite restaurant unlesshe settled down. Nowhere in my speech did I eversay to threaten your child. In fact, I pointed out that threatening a child is counterproductive to what you are trying to accomplish and not respectful toyour child. Threatening never works. Telling a kid, “If you don’t do this, I’m not going to give you . . . ” never works. You, as parent, will always lose in that situation. Your child understands you well enough to know, from past experience, that you’ll give in if he just fights or whines loudly enough.

3. “Tomorrow” means nothing to a 4-year-old. It’s toodistant. An eternity away. So threatening him with not going to the amusement park didn’t even register on his radar screen.

4. When you told him you weren’t going to take him tolunch, I bet your uncle and the other folks on that boat were happy to hear that.

5. Even when you said you wouldn’t take the childto lunch, obviously you took him. Two of the most important principles in parenting are consistency and follow-through. You need to be consistent inyour actions all the time and follow through on what you say you will do. If you say something is going to happen, it should happen.

I applaud you and thank you for being honest. Youshowed yourself to be human and used the terms
angry
and
embarrassed
to describe yourself. Those are probably good reasons your husband decided to give Christopher a swat on the behind in the restaurant.

What you need to understand about kids is that they will get attention. And they will get it in either a positive ora negative manner. Your time on the boat was a powerstruggle in which your son was determined to makeyou pay attention to him. After all, it’s hard to ignore a 4-year-old who is misbehaving on a boat.

However, if you were doing things according to myprinciples
—
and you were out on the lake and your 4-year-old started to misbehave, you would ask thecaptain of the boat if he would mind dropping you andyour 4-year-old off at the dock. You wouldn’t threatenyour child with missing the amusement park. Your child would miss lunch, so it would be a consequence forboth your son and you—hopefully one that both of youwould remember in future exchanges. There would be no power struggle, because you would remain calmlyin charge and your son would experience immediateconsequences.

If you use these principles consistently and alwaysfollow through on what you say you will do, you
will
have a different child on your hands by Friday. And you willhave a smile on your face most of the time. I guarantee it!