Have No Shame (32 page)

I sat on the deep front porch mulling over my conflicting feelings, trying to enjoy the sunshine and the gentle breeze, but the air carried with it whispers of the colored boys’ cries for help. I rocked, telling myself to think of something else, but the porch creaked, reminding me of the way I impotently pleaded for Jimmy Lee to take me instead of hurting those boys. I covered my ears, wishing the memories away. Shame warmed my cheeks. What would Daddy think of me?

The sound of tires on dirt and gravel brought my eyes to Jimmy Lee’s truck pulling into the driveway. Something I wasn’t used to rose within me. At first, it was like I’d eaten something bad and it was stuck in my throat, pushing its way out, but then, it melted to a heat that filled my chest and spread to my limbs.

Jimmy Lee stepped from his truck, swaggering all tall and handsome across the front walk and up the steps. He wrapped his arms around me, kissed my head. “Hey there, beautiful. How’s my girl?”

There it was—the sweet that evened out his sour. I stood in his arms, against the chest that was so familiar. I felt safe, and I breathed him in. 

 “Ready to go to town?” he asked.

We held hands as we walked to the truck. Jimmy Lee’s hand engulfed mine, like Daddy’s did. Daddy’s hand was calloused from working in the fields. Jimmy Lee’s was tainted with the blood of those boys.
Daddy would never beat up anyone
. I dropped Jimmy Lee’s hand and climbed into his truck, happy to be free from the memory of the fields. “As long as we stay away from the old high school crowd. I swear, ever since I found Mr. Bingham’s body, they act like I’m the one who did somethin’ wrong.” Jimmy Lee didn’t say anything, but he patted my leg as if to say,
It’s okay. I’m here
. We used to talk more, and I wanted that now. I needed it. I needed to feel his comfort and love, and try to wipe away the darkness that was creeping into my heart.

“Remember last June, before graduation? How my friends stopped hangin’ out with me? I was the odd girl out because of datin’ someone older? I was the literal third wheel that got kicked to the curb,” I admitted, sadly.

He drew his eyebrows together and I watched tension darken his eyes. Then his gaze lightened and he said, “I remember. It’s worth it though, right? You didn’t need to go anywhere with them. You had me.”

“Yeah,” I said. “But now, it’s happenin’ all over again. It’s as if by findin’ Mr. Bingham’s body, I carry some sort of bad luck. I never knew bad luck could be contagious, but others seem to think so.” Jimmy Lee turned on the radio, and I continued, “Do you remember a few years back, when the Holsten’s farm flooded? The neighbors helped them through, but after that year, when the next crop season began, everyone disassociated with them. I’m beginnin’ to wonder about the strange relationships that our small town is made up of, and it scares me.”

Jimmy Lee didn’t respond. He tapped his hand on the steering wheel to the beat of the music. I tried again to bridge the gap between us, to gain his understanding.

“I feel like findin’ Mr. Bingham is like that—like I’m bad luck and that’s why they’re shunnin’ me now. I saw Sheila Porten at the store the other day and she didn’t even say hello to me. We graduated together! Do you think they somehow blame me for findin’ him?”

He stopped tapping the steering wheel and cast his winning smile upon me; his white teeth beaming like pearls, a sparkle in his eye. “Nah, they’re just jealous that they didn’t find ‘im.”

“You’re such a jerk, Jimmy Lee. That’s just awful. Who would want to see that?”

“A dead nigger? Most of the town,” he laughed. His eyes danced with delight at the nastiness of his own comment.

I clenched my teeth against the unfamiliar venom that wanted to spew, and leaned against the door. In silence, we drove out to the river in the next county, which we’d done often enough for me to know what he had in mind. He had to return to school the next day, and the last thing I wanted was to be intimate with him again before he left. Sometimes I regretted giving into him the first time. Oh, I can’t blame him for that. I wanted to do it just as badly as he did. He was everything I had dreamed of, strong and decisive like Daddy, and on a successful enough career track that I knew Daddy would be pleased. I just wish I had understood then what I understand now. Somehow, and I’m not sure why, sex complicated things. Sex was no longer something that we fought the urge for. Now it was expected.

Jimmy Lee reached over and grabbed my hand, a lusty look in his eyes. He hadn’t started drinking yet, and he was always kinder when he was sober. I liked his gentler side and felt my heart softening toward him.

“Soon, we won’t have to sneak away to the river to be alone,” he said with a grin.

I feigned a smile, then turned and looked out the window, watching the town fall away. I wish I had talked to Mama about my feelings. I was battling myself, wanting to be with him and not wanting to at the same time. I wish I understood what was going on inside my crazy heart.

The wind blew the tips of the long grass this way and that, the smell of manure from nearby fields hovered in the air. Leaves rustled in the trees as we walked toward the water. Jimmy Lee carried a blanket under one arm and held me with the other. The smell of him rose to meet me, musk and pine, liked he’d rolled around on the forest floor. I felt a tug down low, and gritted my teeth against my growing desire for him.

Jimmy Lee spread the blanket out below a tree and lay down, relaxing back on one elbow. He beckoned me with his finger in a playful way. I continued toward the water.

“Can’t we just walk a little first?”

“Walk?” he asked.

“Yeah, you know, one foot in front of the other? Come on.” I headed down river, hoping he’d follow. The last thing I felt like doing was lying naked beneath him. I was too confused, too sickened by the way he’d viciously attacked Albert Johns, leaving the poor boy in a field, lying in pain, broken ribs and all.

Jimmy Lee came up behind me and wrapped his arms around my middle. I flushed, ashamed of how my heart fluttered at his touch.

“We don’t have much time,” he whispered in my ear. “I want to be with you.”

It was hard to turn away from him. As much as I loathed what he’d done, I still loved him.

He took my hand and led me back to the blanket, lowering me to my knees. I closed my eyes, willing myself to be in the moment. Allowing myself to. His fingers trailed down the buttons of my blouse, unbuttoning them one by one, then caressing the skin beneath. Shivers ran up my chest, a collision of desire and the frigid air. He pulled my blouse down off my shoulder, kissing each bit of skin as it was revealed. His lips were soft and tender.

“I’m cold,” I complained, partly to slow him down, and partly because it was chilly kneeling there in the breeze.

“I’ll warm you,” he said. The scent of him wrapped itself around me. He leaned against me, pushing me back until I was lying beneath him. I could feel him pressing against me. With one hand he reached behind his back and pulled his t-shirt over his head, his hungry eyes looking right into mine. His knees pushed my legs apart and I wanted to hate his touch, wanted to
want
to push him away because of what he’d done to those boys, but that hatred melted under his touch and I longed for him to be closer to me. His hand slid down my side and hiked my skirt up around my waist. He kissed my neck, sending a shiver down my spine. His fingers hooked my panties, drawing them down. I hated myself for wanting him.

A bird sang out from the tree, bringing my brain back to the surface. The breeze on my naked chest was causing me to shiver. I opened my eyes, listening to the flow of the river, the bristling of the leaves above us, Jimmy Lee’s heavy breaths against my neck, and I began to tremble.
Byron Bingham. Albert Johns
. Thoughts tumbled like stones into my mind, knocking me out of my reverie. I must have gone rigid, because Jimmy Lee lifted his head and looked at me with a quizzical, lust-filled gaze, like he wasn’t really seeing my face, but he was lost in the frenzy of what he was doing. I pushed at his chest.

“Stop,” I whispered. My voice was lost in the image of Byron, strangled by the thought of Albert.

Jimmy Lee laughed, tugged his jeans down.

I turned away, a tear slipping down the side of my face. “Stop,” I whispered again, or maybe I just thought it in my mind.

He thrust himself inside of me, groaning, one hand clenching my breast, the other clamped onto my hip.

“Stop, stop.” I whispered. My body shook with each pounding thrust of his body. Anger rushed through me. I clawed at his back, screaming, “Stop! Stop!” I kicked and fought against him, and he pumped harder, faster, as if he didn’t hear me.

“Almost,” he said. “Al…al—”

“Stop!” I found my voice and screamed until my throat was raw, my nails stripped chunks of skin from his back.

He gave one last, long thrust then fell on top of me, panting. I pushed him off, crying and shaking as I did so. I thought I was going to throw up, pass out, die. I crawled away. He lay there, spent, looking at me with a stupid grin on his face.

I pulled my clothes on, sobbing, struggling to stay upright, and stumbled through the grass, toward the water. The breeze stung my skin. The birds sang out in a beautiful tune that I could not reconcile with the awful feeling blooming inside me.

“What?” he called after me with his palms held up toward the sky, confusion in his spent eyes.

Hate blinded me. I wanted to go home. I wanted to run away. I wanted to find someone to beat
him
up.  The grass and trees swirled around me, pointing their branches like fingers at my guilt of knowing what he’d done. As he climbed back into his jeans, I ran past him, clambered back into the truck, and slammed the door, sobbing. Curled up against the door like a child, I covered my face and waited for him to get back into the truck and take me home. I smelled like him, like sex. I had never felt so powerless and alone.

On the way home, I remained huddled against the door. All I could think of was Mama, and how she’d kill me if she knew I was having sex with Jimmy Lee, and how Daddy might slaughter me if I told him I wasn’t sure we should get married. Jimmy Lee kept looking over at me.

“You okay?” he asked.

I opened my mouth to answer, but all I could do was cry. How do you tell your fiancé that he makes you sick to your stomach? Anger simmered within me when he didn’t ask me again, or try to figure out why I was pulling so far away from him. I never thought Jimmy Lee would force himself upon me. He’d been rough with me before, but not like this, not like he ignored what
I
wanted. How do you tell him that the world you’ve lived in for eighteen years suddenly looked different, that you noticed sneers that you previously accepted as normal, or maybe that you—ashamedly—had also doled out? Jimmy Lee was humming to the radio, his thumbs tapping on the steering wheel like he was fine and dandy, while my world was spiraling out of control and I could barely keep my head on straight.

My father’s truck was gone when we arrived home. Jimmy Lee leaned over to kiss me but I pulled back and hopped out of the truck.

“That’s it? No goodbye kiss? I’m goin’ back to school. Won’t you miss me?” He looked so hurt, and the last thing I wanted was an argument. 

“Sorry,” I said, and reluctantly climbed back into the truck. I scooched across the seat and pecked his cheek.

“That’s more like it,” he said.

Anger bubbled up again, but this time, I found my voice. “Jimmy Lee, I asked you to stop, and…” I saw it then, a look in his eye that said it all. Not only was I wasting his time telling him something he didn’t want to hear, but he could no better understand what I was saying than I could understand what he’d done to those boys. “Nevermind,” I said, and slammed the door.

As I walked toward the house, I could feel my heart breaking into a million little pieces. I couldn’t bear to face Mama. I knew I’d break down in tears and have to tell her the truth. She’d surely kill Jimmy Lee if she knew he’d forced himself on me. Or had he? Had I led him on? Confusion drove me around the house to the backyard. I didn’t dare look at the windows of the house, or toward the barn or the garden. I didn’t want to accidentally see Mama. I ducked beneath the drying line hanging from the massive oak tree in our backyard, and hurried toward the cellar doors, thinking about how livid Daddy would be if I backed out of the wedding. All he ever wanted for me was to be happy, like him and Mama, and I don’t think Daddy could understand how I could be anything
but
happy with Jimmy Lee.

It was time to get my feelings in check. I pulled open the cold, metal doors and descended the stairs into the dark dirt cellar where Mama kept jugs of water, first aid kits, towels, and all sorts of canned supplies in case of tornadoes. The damp, earthy smell was cold and seemed appropriate given what I’d done. I quickly slithered out of my clothes and doused a towel in water. I scrubbed his kisses from my neck, his touch from my breasts. The water was cool, raising goose bumps on my arms and across my chest. The blood rushing in my ears reminded me of his lousy, lust-filled grunts, and I cried louder, trying to drown them out as I spread my legs and wiped his chlorine-like scent from within the soft folds of my skin. In my mind, my fighting him replayed over and over, and with it came more hatred, more disgust with myself.  I started scrubbing his sweat from my stomach, legs, and arms. I was pressing too hard, deserving of the pain, and hoping it would wipe all of the ugliness of the last few weeks away. I scrubbed until my skin was red and raw. By the time I'd finished, my body shook and shivered, my heart ached from loneliness, and my mind ran in circles. There was nothing left for me to do but slip my soiled clothing back on, sit on the cold step, and sob until I had no more tears to free.

I washed my face, bundled the dirty towels together, and took them with me to the burn barrel by the barn, where I hid them beneath the debris. I hoped it might even burn away the memories of the afternoon, the alleyway, and the field where Jimmy Lee had stolen precious moments of those boys’ lives.