Having Hope (The Blow Hole Boys Book 4) (21 page)

Chet stood, his hands getting tangled in the hair hanging in his eyes. The air escaping his lungs was loud as he began to hyperventilate. I couldn’t keep this up. He looked like he was seconds away from passing out. That was the last thing I wanted him to do.

“You don’t have to worry about this, Chet. If I decide to keep it, you won’t need to do anything. We never have to speak again,” I assured him.

He stopped pacing beside my bed, and his body went tense. Pain had seeped into his expression before the confusion swept in.

“If you decide to keep it? Why wouldn’t you keep it?”

I looked away, swiping at my nose once again.

“I’m not sure I’m ready. I don’t know that I’ll ever be ready. I’m a single woman. I live a wild lifestyle. I wouldn’t know how to care for a baby.” I made as many excuses as I could.

“What about what I want?” he asked, surprising me. He sat beside me and grabbed my hand, squeezing it with his larger one. “I know I’ve been back and forth lately, but I swear I have my reasons, Hope. Don’t take this baby away from me. Please.” I didn’t know he was capable of the emotion that broke his voice.

This wasn’t what I expected. I thought he’d be halfway back to his room by now, running at the first chance I gave him, but instead, he was sitting beside me and begging me not to keep the baby from him.

“I don’t understand. I thought you’d want an out. What are you saying, Chet?”

He lifted my hand, pressing a soft kiss to my palm. His eyes stayed on mine as if he was drinking me in.

“I’m saying let me fix us … whatever we are. Let me fix it and make everything better. I’ll take care of you, Hope. I’ll take care of you and our baby. I’ll stop everything—the drinking, the drugs. I’ll do whatever it takes. Just, please … give me a chance.”

I pulled away, moving away from him so I could catch my breath. Everything was moving so fast—too fast if you asked me. I wasn’t ready for the things he was offering, but I knew deep down it was what I wanted. It was what I’d always wanted from Chet. I just didn’t want him to force himself into it because of a baby.

“Chet, just because I’m pregnant doesn’t mean you have to …”

He pulled me to him, stopping me from finishing my sentence. “Stop. It’s not because you’re pregnant. Although, knowing that my child is growing inside you has given me more than I’ve had in my entire life. I have a reason now.”

His fingers sifted through my hair then he captured my cheeks in his palm.

“I haven’t been able to stay away from you on this tour. I keep pushing you away because I know I can’t be what you deserve, but I’d really like to try. If you give me a chance, I’ll try to be the man you and our baby deserves.”

Fresh tears rushed over my cheeks, collecting at my chin before bouncing onto the front of my shirt. His words were beautiful and filled me with hope I knew I shouldn’t have, but I couldn’t help myself. I couldn’t help but feel like maybe, this time, would be different. I could eat better and have a safe place to sleep.

“Let’s just get through this tour,” he said, capturing one of my tears with his thumb. “Then we’ll figure this out. Okay?”

I nodded and sniffled.

“Okay.”

The guys said nothing on the way back to the hotel, even though Finn didn’t take his eyes off me. He was stewing, and I knew it wouldn’t be long before he exploded. I understood Finn, and I knew he was hurting and upset that I hadn’t come to him sooner, but I couldn’t do anything about that.

Either way, I knew the night was going to be a long one. Finn would tell the guys, and they would spend the night trying to talk me into surgery. But before that happened, I wanted to see Hope. I wanted to make sure she was okay.

I leaped from the SUV and went straight to Hope’s room. Finn’s voice sounded behind me, trying to stop me, but I kept moving. If I stopped and they started talking, I’d never make it to her room. I didn’t know then that she would shift my world … that she would change everything I was thinking when it came to dying and having surgery.

A baby.

Hope was pregnant.

I left her room an hour later in complete and total shock. I had to rethink everything. I had to prioritize. Things that seemed so important before slipped to the back of my mind and being a dependable father moved to the forefront.

A father.

I was going to be a father.

Nothing else mattered from that point on.

Finn’s room was at the opposite end of the hall, and when I entered, Tiny and Zeke were already there with Finn waiting for me. Zeke stood and pulled me into a hug the minute I walked into the room.

“Fuck, man, you should’ve told us,” he said, his words broken and serious.

“I know. I’m sorry.”

Tiny’s large hand grabbed my shoulder and squeezed. “We’ll fight this shit with you, bro. Whatever we need to do, we’ll do it.”

I pulled back and sat on the bed.

“So what’s the plan?” Finn asked.

“I’m going to have the surgery. Fuck the risks.”

Finn shook his head and ran his hands over his face. All three were stressed out. Zeke and Finn had been on the road for almost two months without seeing their wives and kids, and Tiny was still dealing with his addiction issues. Putting more on them was the last thing I wanted to do, which had a lot to do with why I kept my mouth shut, but the cat was now out of the bag.

“I thought you said no to surgery?” Finn asked.

His calm exterior surprised me considering how close to exploding he’d been earlier. I guess he’d gotten his explosion over while I was in the room with Hope. That was probably how Zeke and Tiny knew about the tumor.

“Yeah, well, things change.”

Finn stood and began pacing the way he did when he was worried. I hated myself for worrying him, and silently, I wished to myself that I hadn’t told them about my issues.

“What could have changed in the last few hours, Chet? You were just telling me at the hospital that you were totally against surgery, and now, here you are, hours later, saying you’re going to get the surgery.”

I couldn’t help myself; I smiled thinking about the reasons I would risk it all to live.

Hope.

A baby.

A family.

The life I’d been dreaming about since the moment I found out I was dying.

“Hope’s pregnant.”

Just saying it made me happy.

“Seriously?” Finn asked.

I nodded. “Seriously.”

Finn pulled me from the bed and into a hug. “Fuck, man, congratulations.”

“Wait,” Zeke said, looking confused. “You and Hope?”

I pulled out of Finn’s hug and nodded. “Yeah.”

Zeke laughed. “That’s fucking awesome, man. Congrats.”

“Looks like we’re both going to be dads,” Tiny said, shaking my hand.

I closed my eyes and memorized the moment since I knew it was going to be one of the happiest in my life.

“So when do you think the surgery will happen?” Finn asked. “We’ll cancel the rest of the tour and go back to California tomorrow.”

I shook my head. “No. I have time. The headaches have been a bitch, but the tour is almost over. Let’s finish and I’ll schedule the surgery as soon as we get home.”

“I don’t know, man. Maybe we should just skip the rest of the shows.”

I shook my head. “This could be my last tour, Finn. Let me finish it, man.”

Finn swallowed, his eyes going sad as he nodded in agreement.

Things were looking up. Sure, I still had the headaches, and my vision would go blurry, but none of that mattered. All that mattered was that Hope was healthy and happy, and as soon as we got home, I was having the tumors removed.

I didn’t care what I lost—if I were blind for the rest of my life or if I never picked up another drumstick—at least I’d be alive to hold my kid. I’d be alive to take care of Hope and build a life with her. Nothing else mattered.

*****

We brought the North Charleston Coliseum down. We played harder than at any other show because we knew our family and friends were in the crowd. Familiar faces littered the front rows, and Finn’s mom and her new husband stood on the side stage wearing happy smiles.

I could hardly wait until the show was over. Finn’s mom was making a big dinner for everyone, and I could already taste her fried chicken. I hadn’t had any decent home-cooked food since we left for California, and my stomach was growling just thinking about eating later.

I stood on the side stage while the Sirens played. My eyes stayed glued to Hope as she played. It was amazing to think that she was busy growing a baby while she sat at her set and played her heart out.

My baby.

Our baby.

My heart was so full. I’d never felt anything even remotely close to the things I was feeling, but I knew I was the happiest I’d ever been in my entire life. Happier than I’d been when we signed our record deal. Happier than the day I bought my first drum set.

Nothing compared, and nothing ever would.

“I’ve never seen you smile so much,” Tiny said at my side.

“I’ve never had a reason to smile this much.”

And I hadn’t.

My life was on the cusp of a major change, and while I should have been scared shitless by this change, I wasn’t. I couldn’t wait to get started on our new life when we got settled back in California.

Our.

We.

Hope.

Once the show was over, we headed back to our hotels to get ready for an after party at Finn’s mom’s house. It wasn’t the place we practically grew up in, since buying his mom a new house in a nicer neighborhood had been the first thing Finn did after we signed our contract, but still, being with family and friends was perfection no matter where we were.

After showering and getting dressed, I went to Hope’s room to pick her up. We were all riding together, but I wanted to walk down with her. Hell, I wanted to be near her at all times. It had been that way with her for a while, but now that things were settling into place, I knew we were going to be together.

I knocked on her door and waited for her to answer, but she never did.

“She’s not there,” Lena said when she exited her room.

She shoved her card key in her back pocket and ran her fingers through her hair to tame it.

“Where is she?”

Lena shrugged. “Don’t know. She just said she would meet us at Finn’s mom’s place.”

I panicked.

This was Hope’s old stomping grounds, too.

Could she be meeting up with someone?

She didn’t need to be going through the city all alone. Things were different now. She wasn’t just Hope Iverson; she was Hope, the drummer of one of the hottest bands out there right now. It could be dangerous.

“When did she leave?” I asked as I started toward the elevators.

“Like two minutes ago. If you hurry, you can catch her in the lobby.”

At that, I ran. I ran past the elevators to the stairs, and I took the stairs two at a time. By the time I made it to the lobby, I was out of breath. I burst through the stairwell door, people turning my way, as I searched the lobby for her.

She wasn’t there, but when I made it to the exit and rushed out into the Carolina humidity, I saw her just as she got into a taxi.

I pulled out my cell and cussed myself when I realized I didn’t have her number. I hadn’t needed it until now.

Scanning the parking lot, I saw another taxi parked across the way. I ran over, pulled open the door, and climbed in the back.

“Follow that taxi,” I said, pointing at the car pulling away with my girl and baby in the back.

It was like something on an action flick, but the reality was I was overreacting. I couldn’t help it, though. Things were going too good. I was waiting for something to come along and fuck everything up, and all I could picture was Hope going out alone and getting hurt.

I wouldn’t be able to handle that.

The taxi driver followed close behind, and my heart slammed against my ribs the further we drove. I was anxious to jump out of the car and get in the taxi with her at every red light, but I was already feeling crazy for following her.

We drove for ten more minutes until finally we turned into a large cemetery on the edge of the city. The rolling green grass was dotted with headstones. Flower arrangements of all colors and sizes marked most gravesites. A large white mausoleum stood tall at the back of the cemetery, and old oaks surrounded the land, closing the resting places in and separating them from the bustling city.

It was a beautiful place of peace and tranquility, and I felt like a total douche for following her to visit what I was sure was a family member or friend.

Her taxi parked, and she climbed from the backseat, leaving the car sitting on the side of the cemetery to wait.

“Park over there,” I said, motioning to the opposite side of the grounds.

My taxi driver listened, driving in the opposite direction while still managing to keep me close enough to see Hope.

I sat in the back and watched as she walked through the cemetery, a single pink flower in her hand. She stopped in front of a particular headstone and kneeled to place the flower on the ground at its base.

For thirty minutes, I watched as she came apart, her shoulders shaking with her tears. She placed a kiss on her fingertips and pressed her fingers to the cold granite. I stayed glued to the seat, even though my heart screamed for me to go to her.

I wanted to hold her in her grief … to wipe the tears from her cheeks. I wanted to be there for her always. Realization of just how much I’d changed in the last month moved over me, making me smile and warming my soul.

I was a man in love, plain and simple.

Finally, Hope left the gravesite she’d been crying over and climbed back into the taxi. They pulled away from and circled the cemetery before leaving the grounds.

“Stay here,” I said to the taxi driver, as I slipped out the backseat and started toward the grave where Hope had been.

The grass was soft beneath my boots, and I was careful to step around the graves. Cemeteries had always freaked me out. The thought of stepping over dead bodies was strange to me, but I pushed through, taking step after step until I was standing before the grave with the single pink flower on top.

My eyes scanned the headstone, and the breath rushed from my body, making the Earth tilt on its axis. I dropped to my knees, tears rushing to my eyes and blurring the engraved words.

It was a baby—a girl who was born and had died on the same day.

April 17
th
, 2011

Four. Seventeen. Eleven.

The same numbers Hope had inked beneath her blackbird tattoo.

I reached out and ran my fingertips over the baby’s name.

Angel Iverson Rhodes.

The baby had my last name.

Our night together five years ago came flashing back.

Hope had gotten pregnant, and the baby had died. The baby with my last name.

My last name.

Mine.

My baby.

The world turned cold. The skies turned black, and I broke, falling onto the grass and screaming in agony. I’d never felt pain so severe. I’d never broken so completely, but I knew an hour later when I stood from the ground and made my way back to the taxi, I was a changed man.