Hawaiian Holiday: Destination Desire, Book 2 (14 page)

She cast a glance at Lukas. “Oooh, fancy.”

“That’s what they want you to think.” He chuckled.

“Then they’re wildly successful.” She tugged on his arm to steer him toward the restaurant. “Let’s see if the food is as good as the ambiance.”

In under ten minutes, they were seated and the waitress had brought them each a glass of wine. The restaurant was every bit as beautifully appointed as the lobby and sitting room, and she let herself goggle just a bit at the sumptuous décor. She was used to much simpler settings for her meals, and she liked being able to do something special to celebrate the holiday.

She toasted him. “Merry Christmas, Lukas.”

“
Frohe Weihnachten
, Julie.” He clinked his glass against hers, the look in his gaze warm enough to make her heart squeeze. She wouldn’t mind having a man look at her like that every day for the rest of her life.

“This vacation has turned out far better than I expected. I just wanted to have a nice getaway. Instead, I got someone to share it with.” She sipped her wine, and its smooth taste lingered on her tongue.

His smile was endearingly self-effacing. “Glad I could improve the situation.”

“You really did.” She set her glass down and toyed with the delicate stem. “Thank you for listening to all of my problems the last few days, especially about Karen. You’ve been really helpful.”

“I’m sorry about her marriage.” He swirled his wine around, his gaze on the deep red liquid. “What about you? We’ve talked about my past. What about yours? Have you ever been in a serious relationship?”

She tilted her head at the change in topic, but saw no reason not to answer. She’d certainly pried into his past, so turnabout was fair play. “Several. One just out of college, but we were too young. A couple since then. One even proposed, but it was his way of trying to salvage a relationship that was already floundering.”

“Fish or cut bait?” He lifted a single brow, which said very clearly what he thought of that kind of attitude.

She twisted her lips. “I think that’s how he was feeling.”

“Why was it floundering?”

Making a face, she sat back in her chair. “He kind of wanted a stay-at-home mom type, like when we married and had kids, I knew he’d want me to give up everything to raise kids and have a hot meal on the table when he got home from work.”

“Not what you want?” His gaze was probing enough that she squirmed a bit. This shouldn’t be an uncomfortable topic. She knew what she wanted, but she’d never found it. Until now. That was the awkward part. Lukas had all the qualities she wanted in a man, only she couldn’t keep him.

She licked her lower lip. “I wouldn’t mind a kid or two, and I don’t judge women who choose the stay-at-home mom gig, but it’s not for me. I feel like I’d resent my children if I were locked in the house with them all day and had nothing that was just for myself.”

The waitress broke in to their conversation when she walked up to set a bread basket on their table. “Hi, folks. Have you had a chance to look over the menu? Can I answer any questions?”

“No questions from me. I’m ready to order.” He glanced at Julie. “Are you?”

“Everything looks good.” An all-day sexfest could certainly work up an appetite.

“Everything
is
good. The chef let me taste test it all.” The waitress grinned conspiratorially. She was probably in her fifties, with a few crow’s feet around her eyes and a friendly demeanor. “So, where are you fine folks from?”

Julie cradled her wine glass between her palms. “I’m from California, a little south of San Francisco.”

“Nice! Welcome to Hawaii.” Their server glanced at Lukas. “And you?”

“Also from California.” He offered no more information than that, deflecting personal questions the way he usually did with strangers. He was never unfriendly, but he rarely chatted or teased with anyone they’d met. Except with Julie. She got to see a funnier, sweeter side of him than he showed the rest of the world. She had no idea what she’d done to get him to open up even that much, but she was glad for it.

“Ladies first.” Lukas gestured to Julie to allow her to order.

She took another swig of her wine. “I’ll have the prawns, please.”

The waitress nodded and jotted down the order on her notepad. “And for you, sir?”

“The prime rib.”

When the other woman walked away, his bearing became more relaxed and he gave Julie an easy smile. He was clearly an introvert, but she also thought part of his behavior might cover up the fact that he was a little shy. Remaining quiet was a coping mechanism he must have learned over the years, but it pleased her that he seemed so comfortable around her.

“Back to our conversation.” He tilted the bread basket toward her, giving her first choice. “What you said makes sense to me. My career is very important to me.”

She snagged a roll, broke it open, and slathered a bit of butter on it. “Well, it wasn’t so much my career. I was managing an office until Aunt Eloise got sick, and I walked away from that to come help her, but…I was still doing something I loved. It’s hard to put a fine point on the distinction, but if I’d had to be Eloise’s live-in caretaker, I might have gone nuts. Working in Purl Moon was different.”

He waved his butter knife through the air. “I understand the distinction.”

“Do you?” She bit into her roll.

“Absolutely.” He shrugged as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. “I wouldn’t want to be a stay-at-home dad or live-in caretaker. It’s a demanding, all-consuming role that makes you sacrifice some of your sense of self.”

“
Yes
. Exactly.” She spread her hands. “So, I guess my kids will have to deal with a nanny or daycare. It’ll give them something to tell their therapist about when they grow up.”

“Don’t be so sure.” He huffed out a breath. “Some of my students have those helicopter parents, who want to call me and check on their grades or come in with them for academic advising. Terrifying people. Not only have they sacrificed their sense of self, they’ve subsumed some of their child’s identity and independence too.”

She choked on a giggle, even though it was more horrifying than funny. That was exactly the kind of person she didn’t want to become, and that her almost-fiancé wanted to turn her into. “So together, they’re one person?”

“Probably more truthful than anyone would like to admit,” he replied drily. “As you said, we all have to make choices on how to live our lives, raise children, navigate careers. I need things in my life that are just for me, even if that is a bit selfish.”

“I kind of love you right now.” The words escaped before she gave them any thought, and it shocked her how much truth there might be in them. She covered it with a quick, disarming smile. “That was something I couldn’t get the last guy to understand no matter how much we talked about it. I’m glad I’m not the only one who thinks that way.”

“We birds of a feather must flock together.” He didn’t skip a beat when he spoke, so she had to assume he took her profession of love as a joke. Which was how she’d meant it. Mostly.

It quivered on the tip of her tongue to ask if he’d be willing to see her when they got back to California. She barely managed to bite back the words. Despite the deepening feeling of closeness, she still wasn’t sure how receptive he’d be to something like that. If all he wanted was a vacation affair, and she asked for more now, she had a feeling he’d withdraw faster than she could blink.

There were secrets and shadows that lurked in his eyes, and he always seemed to be holding back a little. She wanted to know why, but for that, she’d need more time. She wanted that time. The longer they’d been together, the more certain she’d been that he was exactly the kind of guy she’d want to get to know better. And it wasn’t the kind of knowing that had anything to do with sex. It was the deeper intimacy of sharing lives and experiences. She wanted to try that with him.

Unlike all the other men she’d dated, Lukas didn’t seem to want her to be anything other than herself. Funny, sometimes goofy, and just serious enough not to qualify as perky. They seemed to agree on a lot of things, some mundane and some important. The potential between them was so ripe she could taste it, but she was too scared to lose this fragile
thing
they had.

Maybe she’d muster up the courage to ask the day before they left. That way, if he wasn’t interested in more, she wouldn’t lose out on any of the time she could have spent with him.

Yes, it was chickening out, but only a little.

Chapter Nine

Lukas woke up with a soft, warm woman draped across his chest. Julie. He smiled before he even opened his eyes. She felt good there—right. Maybe it was an incredibly stupid thought to have, but he didn’t take it back.

I kind of love you right now.

Her words the night before had been in jest, but he let himself imagine how it would feel if it were true. What would it be like to be loved by a woman like Julie?

Heaven.

Or hell, if it all went wrong.

Didn’t everything go wrong, eventually? But he clicked with Julie so well, it was like nothing he’d ever experienced before. It gave him something fragile and terrifying, something he didn’t even know he was still capable of.

Hope.

It was an awful, wretched thing, hope. It set a person up for a huge fall. Yet he couldn’t help thinking…what if? What if he gave this thing a shot? What if he tried, just one last time? He squeezed his eyes shut, sighing. The fact that he was even thinking along these lines went a long way toward violating his no-relationship policy. He’d fought against the pull she had on him, but it seemed to be a losing battle.

They were flying home tomorrow, and the idea of never seeing her again was a knife to the chest. He didn’t want to give her up. Not yet. It wasn’t the first time he’d had this thought in the last week. The risk seemed huge, like a deep, dark chasm opening under his feet and he didn’t know where the bottom was or if he could find the necessary courage to step over the edge. Because he knew already that he couldn’t have something casual with Julie. He felt too much for her as it was. With Julie, it would be serious, and far more real than anything he’d allowed himself in…years.

Clammy sweat slicked his palms. He wasn’t sure if a leap of faith was something he could manage. The last time he’d tried it had been devastating. Only an idiot would chance going through that again. The likelihood of any relationship surviving in this day and age was statistically dismal. The odds were against success and pointed toward the same suffering he’d already been through.

Fuck
. Not wanting to lose her warred with not wanting to get his heart torn to pieces, and he had no fucking clue which was the right choice.

“Morning.” She kissed his shoulder, rolled over so that her back was to him, and cuddled her bottom into his hip. Her voice was sleepy and soft. “You wanna swim today?”

“In a little while.” He turned and wrapped himself around her, wishing he could absorb some of her goodness, her honest joy in life. For all she’d been through, she’d managed not to become bitter. It was something he couldn’t say for himself.

Burying his face in the crook of her neck, he breathed in her scent. His time with her was running out. It was important to savor every minute.

“I think I want to swim.” She yawned, rubbed her eyes, but didn’t try to get up.

He kissed her nape. “Are you even awake yet?”

“Um…kinda?” She shifted on to her back and reached over to stroke his jaw. “Caffeine would help.”

He tried to keep his turmoil off his face when he looked at her. Savor the moment. Right. “A dip in cold ocean water is eye-opening too.”

“Aw, that’s mean.” She tugged on his earlobe. “I wouldn’t dump you in the Pacific without at least a cup of coffee first.”

“Such a nice lady.” He dipped down to brush his lips over the swell of one pert breast.

“Considering what we did in bed last night, I doubt anyone would call me a lady.” She attempted a leer, but it just made him laugh.

He traced his fingertips in circles on her naked thigh. “Reminding me of what we did is not a way to convince me to go swimming.”

“You’re the one who got me hooked on sea swimming.” She folded her arms, which plumped her cleavage. He nuzzled the soft globes and was rewarded with her shiver.

“I could talk you out of it.” He moved his hand higher on her leg, his thumb just brushing the thatch of curls between her thighs. His body kicked to life, reacting predictably to her nearness. He could be half-dead and he thought he’d still respond for her.

She caught his wandering fingers. “Sex in the shower after? I want to swim with you.”

“All right.” He heaved an exaggerated sigh and flopped over onto his back. Desire still burned in his veins, but it wasn’t at undeniable levels. Yet. She could make it up to him later. “I
guess
I could wait that long to have you.”

“Such willpower.” She widened her eyes at him. “You’re such a strong man.”

“Ha.” He swatted her thigh. “Go put your bikini on before I test
your
willpower.”

Rolling to her feet, she stuck her tongue out at him. “Right, like my crochet bikini doesn’t make you drool.”