He Comes Next (6 page)

A Shot of Happiness

In terms of “ungloved love,” all of these studies have suggested that seminal fluid contains beta-endorphins, which can help to diminish feelings of depression in women (if only they contained appetite suppressants or anabolic agents, designer knee pads may become the hottest new fashion statement).

In Jonathan Margolis’
O: The Intimate History of the Orgasm
, he cites the controversial work of Dr. Gordon Gallup at the State University of New York, who maintains that women who had sex without a condom were quantifiably happier than women who had protected sex, based on answers to a questionnaire. Other findings stated that women whose partners did not use condoms became more depressed when their relationships ended; that agitation, irritability, and suicide attempts increased with condom use; and that women with gloved partners took longer to get involved in new sexual relationships than their nongloved-love counterparts. He concluded that some women become chemically dependent on semen. Again, this is highly controversial work, but given that semen contains 60 percent of the USDA recommended daily dose of Vitamin C, perhaps it’s only a matter of time before the latest herbal supplement will be sperm-capsules. “Organic,” we’ll assume.

Shots in the Dark

Regardless of the possible emotional or health benefits, I would not consider engaging in unprotected sex with a partner unless the relationship is monogamous and you have comfortably ascertained that your partner is disease free.

I probably don’t need to tell you that there’s no such thing as completely safe sex, but you can, and should, take steps to make sex safer. By using condoms and being careful, straightforward, and smart in your choices, you can significantly reduce the risk of contracting and spreading sexually transmitted diseases (STDs).

There are approximately nineteen million new cases of STDs each year in the United States alone, and that number does not account for the large population of people who don’t report, or even
know
, they have an STD due to the asymptomatic natures of their illnesses. Also the incidence of STDs is on the rise. It’s been estimated that 20 percent of Americans are living with genital herpes and more than 50 percent of women will contract HPV (Human Papillomavirus), which often leads to cervical cancer and infertility. Millions of women are suffering from Chlamydia, which can lead to pelvic inflammatory disease (PID) and infertility. And let us not forget the more than one million Americans living with AIDS and the millions of others who are HIV positive. While many STDs cause lesions, abnormal discharge, or other symptoms, very often they are “silent”—exhibiting no outward signs—detectable only through blood work. For example, we now know that the viral shedding associated with Herpes can also occur in the absence of sores. What it all comes down to is the fact that many of us are wholly unaware whether we or our prospective partners, are infected with STDs.

Thinking women of the world take heed! Recent studies show that heterosexual women suffer a higher risk of contracting STDs than their heterosexual male counterparts. For example, the likelihood of transmitting herpes to a partner is approximately 10 percent from an infected woman to a man but 20 percent from an infected man to a woman. It’s not fair, but it’s true.

Studies reveal that while men are more likely to transmit STDs, women are more prone to ask about sexual history. According to a recent poll conducted by MSNBC and Zogby, 48 percent of the women surveyed claim to check STD status always, compared with only 33 percent of men. This makes it even more crucial for women—who are at a higher risk of contracting a disease—to bring up the subject and know the STD status of their partner(s).

I’m always surprised by the number of smart, educated women who tell me how anxious or embarrassed they feel about introducing the topic of STDs. They’re afraid they’ll be labeled undesirable or set themselves up for rejection. As one woman told me, “It’s so unsexy to talk about your sexual history in the heat of the moment—it’s a total killjoy.” In addition, many women are concerned that if they insist on the use of a condom, the man will lose interest or his pleasure will be impeded. But caring about your safety should never be regarded as embarrassing, unsexy, or secondary because being comfortable will help you relax and trust your partner and that is the surest route to uninhibited mutual pleasuring and exploration. Rest assured, if a man doesn’t care enough about your safety, comfort, and pleasure to wear a condom, then he’s not a smart choice for a partner (or a generous lover, either).

My general rule of thumb is that if you’re not comfortable enough to talk to a potential sexual partner about health concerns, than you probably shouldn’t be having sex with him in the first place. Good sex requires open communication and honesty. And if you lack that fundamental basis of trust and mutual understanding, chances are the sex is not going to be all that satisfying anyway.

Being educated about sex is more than just accumulating information; it’s about having the courage to translate attitude into action. It’s about having the confidence in your own desirability to say what you want and need. And let me tell you,
that
is always sexy.

It most certainly is, especially as more and more guys take selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) like Zoloft, Paxil, and Prozac. SSRIs boost serotonin levels, which calms us and makes us more even-keeled, but this also has the deleterious effect of inhibiting desire and delaying ejaculation. So if your guy is on an SSRI, it’s entirely possible that he’s faking it. Encourage him to speak to his doctor if he’s suffering sexual side effects.

It’s also possible that your guy is faking it as a function of stress, especially if he’s using a condom, which diminishes penile sensation. Or perhaps he’s feeling distant and doesn’t want to hurt your feelings. Writes columnist Amy Sohn of an interview with a male faker:

Orgasm vs. Ejaculation and the Male Multiple Orgasm

With three types of erections, is it any wonder that some experts contend that there are actually four types of orgasm? In her books, sex therapist and former surrogate Barbara Keesling maintains that men can experience:

While the male multiple orgasm is a great strategy for helping a man get the most out of physical arousal, it shouldn’t be confused with female multiple orgasms, which have a genuine basis in physiology. Male multiple orgasms are a technique. This is not so with female multiple orgasms. As Natalie Angier wrote in
Woman: An Intimate Geography
:

Resolution

Says Jim Pfaus, a psychologist at Concordia University in Canada, to the
Economist
, “The aftermath of lustful sex is similar to the state induced by taking opiates. A heady mix of chemical changes occurs, including increases in the levels of serotonin, oxytocin, vasopressin and endogenous opioids (the body’s natural equivalent of heroin). This may serve many functions: to relax the body, induce pleasure and satiety,
and perhaps induce bonding to the very features that one has just experienced with all this.
” In other words, sex isn’t just an aspect of love: Sex begets love and is a vital key to its reinforcement.

Bridging the Snuggle Gap

To snuggle or not to snuggle, that is the question. I get complaints all the time from women about guys who don’t snuggle after sex, but rather roll over and start snoring.

Before you beat up your guy for turning over and snoring, consider that there’s a biological basis for why he’s shattered and why you’re still in a state of semiarousal. Men have to develop the requisite sexual tension to accomplish ejaculation, also known as the propulsive orgasm. It takes a whole lot of blood going into the genitals to accomplish this, and a whole lot of blood flows out after. It’s physically exhausting. Since women have no need to ejaculate, blood circulates longer in the genitals: It’s slower going in and out. Thus, women remain in the aroused state longer, hence their capacity for multiple orgasms. So if your man rolls over and starts snoring, cut him some slack. Sure, maybe he could use a little retraining (it would be nice if he at least fell asleep
while
holding you in his arms), but his heart may still be in the right place.

A
S WE VENTURE
beyond the protected pelvis and continue our journey into male sexuality, let us take a page from Joseph Cohen’s witty, eclectic volume,
The Penis Book
, “When taking an oath, our biblical ancestors placed their hands over the testicles of a witness to vouchsafe their utmost sincerity and honesty. Words like ‘testify’ and ‘testament’ all derive from this unique association.”

In the spirit of this ancient tradition, the next time you’re unzipping his fly, reach your hand in and take an oath: to strip away the layers of pelvic and psychic protection and approach his body with a new sense of understanding.

T
HE POET W. H. AUDEN
wrote that sexual craving is an intolerable neural itch. And true enough, much of our real longing happens in the brain rather than the genitalia.

Jack’s right. We hate to say it, and we hate to hear it even more because, when it comes to sex, there’s no blow more devastating than the sucker punch of “boring.”

Boring is the sexual kiss of death. Better to be called freaky, kinky, speedy, rusty, or even crusty (well, maybe not crusty)—or even selfish, nervous, erratic; distracted, neurotic, sporadic; uptight, fucked up, phlegmatic—anything
but
boring.

Yet sexual boredom and lack of interest in sex are probably the two most common complaints I hear from couples, especially, ironically enough, from young ones who are often just a few years into a relationship. In a society that emphasizes instant gratification and quick fixes, where we’re bombarded with sex talk, but starved for meaningful sexual discourse, the seven-year itch is making people scratch even earlier. And without guidance or a sense of perspective, all of us are too likely to jump ship, or at least jump to the conclusion that our relationship must be fundamentally flawed.

But what if I told you that there was a biological basis for the sexual boredom that often creeps into our relationships? What if I told you that Nature, herself, ironically stokes the flames of desire, only to douse them later, leaving us with embers that must be reignited to avoid going permanently frigid?

Secrets from the Underground

During my interviews for this book, I asked twenty-five happily married and committed men and women if they would ever commit infidelity in the form of a one-night stand if they knew beyond a shadow of a doubt they’d get away with it, with no consequences whatsoever. Now clearly this wasn’t a particularly scientific poll, but of the twenty-five men surveyed,
seventeen
said they’d do it, as opposed to only two women who would.

So what would compel a happily involved guy to take a free pass at a one-night stand?

Ladies, if you were a fly on the wall during Poker Night, here’s what you might hear.

“I love my wife, but I’m not
in love
with her.”

“I’d kill for a little
strange
” (aka, “a fresh piece of pussy”).

“The sex just doesn’t sizzle anymore.”

“Sizzle?
Please
. My sex life makes C-Span seem exciting.”

And, trust me, I’m well aware that men aren’t the only ones who get bored with sex. If anything, recent studies have shown that rates of female infidelity have been outstripping those of men, so to speak. Rest assured, guys, that if you were a fly on the wall at Girls’ Night Out, your little wings would likely burst into flames:

“I love him, but he doesn’t make me hot anymore.”

“If the thought of him enters my mind when I masturbate, I can’t come.”

“The only way I can get off with my boyfriend is by pretending one of us is somebody else.”

“I would kill to have rough all-night sex (with any man other than my husband).”

“Balancing my checkbook is more stimulating.”

But this begs the question: Do men and women cheat for the same basic reasons?

As we discussed earlier, men are generally able to separate sex from love more easily—they can commit adultery and still genuinely love their wives—“it’s sex, not love.” This ability to separate the two supports the idea that sexual desire in men is more closely linked to arousal than it is in women and less dependent on emotional context.

When women are unfaithful, it’s generally tied to broader relationship factors, for instance a prolonged sex rut at home, a breakdown in communication, or a pattern of long-term neglect. In my experience, married men are just as likely to have a one-night stand as they are to have an ongoing affair, whereas women are more likely to have full-blown affairs than one-night stands. Women often cheat, looking for a new chance at love, while men often cheat, at least at the outset, for the sheer excitement of sex with a new partner and the sense of risk that accompanies infidelity. In fact, I’ve talked to many men who became involved in affairs, fell in love, left their wives, married the women they were cheating with, and then ultimately complained that their new relationship was not exciting anymore.

What went wrong? Did the newness of the relationship wear off? Was the passion largely driven by the sense of danger? Do we only want what we can’t have? Do we prefer the thrill of the chase over the actual attainment of the object of our desire? Is there any way to sustain sexual excitement in a long-term committed relationship? Or are we basically a society of serial monogamists with a fundamental need to refresh our love lives periodically? In short, is there such a thing as a “right person” or “soulmate” with whom we
could
enjoy everlasting passion?

The ancient Greek playwright Aristophanes conjectured that, at the beginning of time, man and woman comprised one creature. Split apart by the Gods, we were left to search for our other halves. This search, Aristophanes opined, lies at the very core of love. But is love primarily driven by the desire to
find
our other halves rather than
keep
our relationships whole?

Remember in my introduction when I said that I’d asked scores of men to describe the best sex they’d ever had? For most of them, it
was with
their current long-term partners. But it was usually at the very beginning of the relationship, when the sparks were flying.

When asked to describe what made the sex so amazing, however, many drew a complete blank. Sure, she may have been enthusiastic in the sack or known her way around a penis, but no, that’s not what made it great. What made the sex memorable was the excitement they felt for the other person at the time. And it wasn’t limited to a single experience, but rather to the period of time in which the sex was truly amazing, the early days of infatuation.

So I asked this group of men another question: “Is the sex still great?” Here, I received many “yes, buts.”
Yes
, they still enjoyed sex (once or twice a week, if even),
but
no, it wasn’t nearly as exciting as it used to be. In some cases, the sex had become more affectionate and intimate. But in many instances, it had become flat out boring. Virtually all of the men surveyed said it wasn’t nearly as hot or wild as it was in the beginning of their relationships.

So often did these words, hot and wild, come up, that I felt compelled to ask another question: “In five words or less, describe hot, wild sex.”

“Unpredictable, spontaneous. Exciting, new.”

“Heart-pounding. Like skydiving.”

“Sweaty, dangerous. Going all night.”

“Like night driving without headlights.”

“Uncontrollable, unstoppable. Totally raw.”

“A shot of adrenaline.”

Then I asked, “In five words or less, describe the sex you’re having now.” Here’s what the same men said.

“Tender, affectionate.”

“Loving. Nice.”

“Safe and familiar. Reassuring.”

“Consistent. Predictable. Pleasurable.”

“Boring. A chore. Same old.”

When I asked the guys what had changed about sex over the course of their relationship and why it wasn’t still as hot and wild, again, many of them drew a blank. Nothing, they said, had really changed. Perhaps that was the problem.

Sex had become reduced to its rote, physiological components, shorn of its emotional and psychological dimensions, narrowed down to a thin and predictable straight line: beginning, middle, and end. One guy summed it up perfectly.

Rarely, if ever, do I hear the complaint of boring sex from couples who have just met or are in the early stages of a relationship. (I do, however, meet plenty of couples who have been together for years and confess that a particular problem in their relationship was always present, but they ignored it, believing it would naturally work itself out.) Sometimes, looking back, couples aren’t even sure if the sex was ever really that “hot” because being in love made everything seem so great at the time.

According to
Psychology Today
, one factor that may prove unifying or divisive to a couple is the degree to which their nervous systems are naturally inclined to pursue novel and stimulating experiences. Some of us are natural thrill-seekers, constantly seeking new and exciting stimuli while embracing a sense of risk, marked by a spirit of wanderlust, a love of danger, a hunger for adventure. Others of us are more content with the familiar, reveling in quiet domestic rhythms, intimate rituals (like always celebrating birthdays at the same restaurant), and the joy of knowing someone or something inside out. Nowhere are these differences between “thrill-seekers” and “familiarity-lovers” more apparent than in the area of sexual compatibility.

More than likely, you have some attributes from each of these categories, but you’re probably more firmly anchored in one. If you and your partner are both situated at either end of the spectrum, you have the best potential for sustaining a fulfilling sex life together over the long haul. But if you’re a sexual thrill-seeker and you’re paired with a familiarity-lover, then you will need to work harder to find a happy medium that will simultaneously allow you to get your fix of novel excitement, while enabling your lover to take comfort in familiar routine. Often this differential in your natures will be masked in the beginning of the relationship, when you are awash in the sense of newness. Says Marvin Zuckerman, a psychologist at the University of Delaware, “A person’s inherent need for sensation is not necessarily obvious in the early stages of a relationship, when love itself is a novelty and carries its own thrills—it’s when the sex becomes routine that problems occur.”

Candy Is Dandy

In the early stages of a relationship, our brains bathe us in potent sex chemicals that predispose us to fall in love. We like to say that love intoxicates us, but little do we realize that we really are operating under the influence.

The chemicals that are released during infatuation are the same chemicals triggered when we cheat, which, interestingly enough, are also the same chemicals released when a drug addict gets his or her fix. Says anthropologist Helen Fisher, “Romantic love is an addictive drug. Directly, or indirectly, virtually all ‘drugs of abuse’ affect a single pathway in the brain.”

So what are the euphoric-inducing chemicals that feed great sex and leave us craving more?

As mentioned previously, Ogden Nash wrote that “candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker.”

Well, dopamine leaves both in the dust.

In her book,
Why We Love
, Fisher and her team studied the brains of prairie voles, little mice-like critters that, like humans, have a tendency to mate for life. In fact, the prairie vole is among the 3 percent of mammals that remains monogamous. Once they’ve selected a mate, prairie voles copulate like mad (over fifty times in two days—
talk about hot and wild
). Then they set about the business of bonding for life: nesting, mating, protecting, and nurturing. In fact, they go through the same stages we do: lust, romantic love, and attachment.

In contrast, the montane vole, a close cousin of the prairie vole, only engages in one-night stands and has no desire for monogamy, despite the fact that they are more than 99 percent genetically similar to their happily married cousins. So what is it about that 1 percent makes them behave so differently? What makes the prairie vole so hot and heavy at the outset, as well as committed for the long haul?

According to Fisher, during that initial frenzy of copulation, dopamine levels in the prairie vole’s brain catapult 50 percent, along with significant increases in norepinephrine. The montane vole, however, does not possess receptors for these potent sex chemicals. As the
Economist
writes in an ode to the faithful little prairie vole, “So long as men can keep their hormones potent/They’ll be romantic as that model rodent.”

In humans, dopamine and norepinephrine are considered natural amphetamines and play a key role in sexual arousal, as well as goal attainment. Dopamine not only helps us focus, but it also contributes to our choice in mates (that harnessing of raw lust into focused romantic love). When scientists reduced the dopamine levels in the brains of female prairie voles, they were no longer faithful or choosy about their sexual partners. In fact, they slutted it up.

No wonder couples in long distance relationships tend to battle the sexual doldrums better than their cohabitating counterparts: Absence doesn’t just make the heart grow fonder, it makes the brain produce higher dopamine levels. Says Helen Fisher, “When a reward is delayed, dopamine-producing cells in the brain increase their work, pumping out more natural stimulants to energize the brain, focus attention and drive the pursuer to strive even harder to acquire a reward: in this case, winning one’s sweetheart.
Dopamine, thy name is persistence
.”