He Comes Next (9 page)

O
NE OF
the cardinal rules of writing (post-high school) is never introduce a topic with a dictionary definition. Yet when it comes to foreplay, so many of us are leading dictionary-definition sex lives that I’ve decided to break the rule.

Main entry: foreplay

Pronunciation: fôr-” plA

Function:
noun

1: sexual stimulation preceding intercourse

2: action or behavior that precedes an event

If you’ve read Part I, my problem with this definition will come as no surprise: It positions intercourse as the main event and implicitly diminishes everything that comes before (and after) as prefatory or auxiliary. But as we’ve discussed earlier, as long as inter-course remains the fixed end point, our sex scripts are going to be deathly predictable and unimaginative. Men will remain rife with performance anxiety. Women will continue to fake orgasms. And both women and men will fail to realize the extraordinary power of sex as a starting point for exploring new realms of mutual pleasure and fantasy.

As the definition suggests, foreplay is about sexual stimulation or arousal, which, in our culture, is interpreted as whetting the parties’ sexual appetites for the main course. Having made its debut appearance in the dictionary in 1929, this rather arcane notion of foreplay has remained strangely static. Run a Google search on the term, and you will yield well over a million hits, with foreplay still largely characterized as a range of physical activities (such as undressing, kissing, fondling, and oral sex) that in men stimulate erection and in women lubrication.

With its emphasis on sexual “readiness,” foreplay, as defined and practiced, focuses more on stimulating physical arousal than sparking desire. If you’ll recall, a little earlier we spoke of the three distinct types of male erections: psychogenic (or mentally-inspired erections), reflex erections (that occur as a result of direct genital stimulation), and nocturnal erections (that occur spontaneously). Our basic societal conception of foreplay endorses the reflex-based approach to sexual interaction, at the expense of a truly impulse-based psychogenic approach. As a result, we often struggle to create desire from physical arousal. We pop pills and conjure pornographic images to speed the desired effect (arousal to erection to ejaculation in six minutes or less), cajoling the brain to follow the body, when it should be the other way around.

For couples leading hectic professional lives, scheduled sex has become fairly commonplace. Unfortunately, structuring sex into a weekly schedule only compounds performance pressures and undermines spontaneous desire, reducing sex to another task that must be squeezed into the to-do list, much like taking multivitamins or doing sit-ups.

Rebecca, what are you and your boyfriend doing outside your compartmentalized appointments to remain emotionally fused and passionate? I’m actually not as concerned about the lack of sex, per se, as the lack of much else as you say that goes right along with it. No wonder the scheduled sessions aren’t working: You’re half-heartedly going through the motions, relying on a mechanical sense of arousal to get you going rather than a genuine desire to pleasure each other and connect intimately. In a healthy, long-term relationship, desire isn’t about fulfilling a need to have sex,
but rather desiring sex with a particular person
.

Another downside of scheduled sex is that it rarely meets our expectations for intimacy and often reinforces the very sense of disconnectedness we’re trying to overcome. I’m not saying that showing up isn’t half the battle, but if that’s all you’re doing, then you’re missing out on the other half.

So why don’t you keep your one-on-one sessions on the calendar as an opportunity to spend quality time together, but remove the pressure to have sex? If you do have sex, fine, but if not, don’t sweat it.

Also, why not think about taking a personal day or calling in sick together, and then go out and “play hookie” as a couple: Sleep in, take a long walk, a luxurious lunch (with wine), hold hands, go to the movies, and just
enjoy
each other’s company. An hour or so a weekend after an exhausting and stressful week of work is hardly enough time to relax, let alone recharge your relationship batteries. My guess is that if you spend more unstructured, pressure-free time bonding, you will find you have more time in your busy schedules for pleasuring each other than you think.

Also, and I think most importantly, as a favorite old blues song goes, “Love is like a faucet; it turns off, and it turns on. Only sometimes when you think it’s on, baby, it has shut off and gone.” A vital prerequisite to holistic sexual health is the ability to integrate your sexual identity into your overall identity and see yourself as a sexual being, even as you navigate the most mundane avenues of daily life. It’s about turning any street you happen to be walking down into that shaky bridge. If you spend the majority of your waking hours turned off to sex, it will not automatically turn back on during your weekly allotted time slot. As I’ve said before and will repeat many times again, sex breeds sex, and desire breeds desire. Creating a sense of anticipation through exploring fantasies, both alone and with your partner, enhances your overall desire and short-circuits the arousal-based shorthand your current approach is likely to induce.

When it comes to foreplay, it’s time to stop confusing arousal with desire. Foreplay is not a few mechanical strokes or flicks of the tongue that give rise to an erection and lubrication. Foreplay is the mental component of sex.
Foreplay happens outside the bedroom;
I’ll say it again:
Foreplay happens outside the bedroom
(or wherever else you’ll be pleasuring each other). All of that scrumptious kissing, touching, stripping down, nibbling, teasing, and sucking—that’s not foreplay: It’s
coreplay
.

I’m not saying that foreplay can’t, or shouldn’t, include physical interaction (in fact, we need much more physical intimacy in our lives outside the bedroom), but it’s important to break out of the physical reflex-based approach. It’s time to let the brain lead and the body follow.

As I touched on above, I want to disabuse you, once and forever, of another well-worn idea: that foreplay and sex go hand-in-hand. It’s time to decouple foreplay and sex.

By no means does foreplay, or coreplay for that matter, always need to lead to intercourse or even orgasm. Remember back in high school when the possibility of a quick kiss or a stolen smooch with your sweetheart was enough to make you sneak out a window past curfew? That’s the feeling we’re talking about.

Intercourse may factor into a sexual interaction, but certainly needn’t, nor should it, serve as the final punctuation, the proverbial exclamation point to a rather dull, unimaginative sentence. Think of great sex as a favorite novel: Every word, every page, and every chapter adds up to the whole. The pleasure is in the experience of reading rather than finishing the book (which is often accompanied by a bittersweet tinge of loss and an overarching desire to read more of that author’s work or another type of book entirely). The general desire to read is augmented by every fabulous book you enjoy, the enticement of “opening” something new because of the excitement of never knowing what you will discover “between the covers.”

S
EXUAL DESIRE SHOULD
similarly stand above and beyond any single act of sex. Sometimes a sexual interaction is a mere phrase, sometimes a chapter, sometimes a full book you reread over and over before moving onto the next, keeping its memory alive in your thoughts, transforming you, if just a little, forever. On a simpler level, studies have shown that intermittent rewards are more powerful than consistent rewards. Being erotically charged by your partner does not mean that every interaction has to end with sexual gratification. Grabbing each other in a movie theater or sneaking into a bathroom together at a party for a make-out session is what keeps desire alive. It keeps our brains “lit up” and leads to more resonant, spontaneous, and creative erotic encounters.

I often talk about being erotically engaged with life, and I don’t mean suddenly transforming into a nymphomaniac. The term “erotic” is derived from
eros
, which is the Greek word for romantic or sexual love. But Freud had a different definition of eros. He said that eros is “the life instinct innate in all humans.”

For once, the vaunted cigared-one and I couldn’t agree more. Eros isn’t just about sexual lust; it’s about a lust for life. And foreplay is not about sex. It’s about infusing our relationship with a sense of eros.

O
URS IS AN EXTREME CULTURE.
From extreme sports and extreme makeovers to the extreme ways in which we work and play (even our favorite reality TV shows are growing more extreme by the season), we thrive on the intense rush that comes from taking risks and pushing ourselves to our physical and emotional limits. So then, if adrenaline and endorphins are our bodies’ natural drugs of choice, isn’t it time we consider taking on a little extreme sex?

If you think I’m talking about having sex while going skydiving, well, you’re right; I mean sort of.

Sometimes, in my clinical practice, I like to do a fun exercise with couples to get them thinking and talking—often for the first time—about what really turns them on.

I start by showing them an unedited DVD of real people skydiving for the first time, complete with screaming, cursing, and even hysterical crying that’s typical of that primal jump, as well as the whoops, hollers, and howls of joyous exhilaration that follow.

Next, I ask each of them to take a moment and think about one thing that really gets him or her sexually excited. It could be a fantasy or a particular sex act, even a strange position they always wanted to try, but it has to be some secret thing they’ve never shared with anyone else before.

Then I ask them to phrase their sex thought as an “I want” statement (for instance, “I want you to do me up against the wall in the basement stairwell”), but not to utter that statement aloud…
yet
.

Next, I place a narrow one-foot bench in the center of my office, and I ask the couple to hold hands and step up onto it together.

Then I say, “Close your eyes. Imagine you’re on a plane, flying thousands of feet above ground, perched by the cabin door, about to parachute down through the great blue beyond together. Now, instead of jumping off the bench, when I say
go
I want you to shout out your ‘I want’ sex statements at the same time.”

Now some of you may be thinking I’m taking this whole skydiving metaphor a little too far (or perhaps not far enough for some of you true extremists). But, the truth is, for
most
of us, the very act of revealing our secret sexual selves to an intimate partner is as daunting and terrifying as jumping out of a soaring plane, if not more.

Many of the exercises I do with couples involve stepping, slowly but surely, outside their sexual comfort zones. This is what I call taking “safe risks.” Time and again I have seen that even the smallest, “safest” risk will reward a couple with the sense of newness and novelty that is crucial to dopamine production and sexual excitement. It helps foster an attitude toward sex that is inquisitive, adventurous, bold, and empowering. It is part of my signature, four-pronged approach to counseling, which I call the “See Me, Feel Me, Touch Me, Heal Me” framework. And the very first, and I think most essential and extreme step, is allowing yourself to see and be seen by your partner, dirty secrets and all.

In no particular order, here’s a list of what some of the guys have shouted in their “I want” sex-jump-statements.

“I want to spank you.”

“I want to tie you up.”

“I want you to tie me up.”

“I want to watch you touch yourself.”

“I want to role play.”

“I want to have sex with the lights on.”

“I want to have sex in public.”

“I want you to go down on me more often.”

“I want to have a threesome.”

“I want you to wear sexy lingerie.”

“I want to make you come with my tongue.”

“I want [you] to shave your genitals.”

“I want to have anal sex.”

“I want to watch you get it on with another girl or guy.”

“I want [you] to talk dirty.”

“I want to take naked photos of you.”

“I want to make a sex video.”

“I want us to watch porn together.”

A list of women’s “I want” statements range from requests for more oral sex to a wish to dominate or be dominated. In fact, the couples are frequently startled to discover that their secret innermost desires aren’t so different.

After the couple makes their jump statements, I repeat each of their statements aloud just so there’s no confusion. Then, I ask them to clasp their hands together and step down from the stool: One small step for woman- and mankind, one
giant
leap for their sex life.

Now, we begin to discuss what these statements and desires actually mean to and for each other. We talk about how they can continue to experience the exhilarating freefall sexual journey they’ve initiated in my office in their daily lives, whether through fantasy or action.

What are your jump statements? How do they make you feel? Are they consistent with your values and sense of self, or do they run counter to your social identity? Are you prepared to utter them to your partner and potentially pursue them? Are you ready to hear what your partner has to say and embrace his desires with a positive attitude?

But, before I continue, let me respond to a frequently cited concern. What if your jump statements don’t involve your partner at all? What if your secret desires are about wanting to have anonymous encounters with sexy strangers, for instance? (Such as, “Honey, what I really want is to have sex with someone—hell, anyone, for God’s sakes—who isn’t you.”) Oh dear, you’re thinking. Are those the death bells playing in the public square? And the answer:
No!
Not at all. What you’re hearing is the provocative overture to a symphony of creative role playing! It’s important to remember when you’re doing this exercise, whether alone or with your partner,
not
to censor your true desires for fear of offending or excluding your partner. Experience has shown me that a little imagination goes a long way in making almost any desire the fodder for endless hours of creative sex-play.

If you’re still not entirely sure, then from this moment on, I want you to think of yourself as a white tigress. That’s right; you heard me—a white tigress.

Allow me to explain.