Heart Song (23 page)

“Didn't Okelo talk to you?”

“Does it matter? Everything she had to say should have come from you, not her. How could you honestly think I wouldn't want something that came from you? Why can't you show me your world, explain your people's ways and be with me—by my side, Marren. Not down the hall or finding hundreds of excuses to avoid me.”

“Relena—”

“You know, I have been trying to avoid this, but maybe the other Ancients are right. Maybe I'm not your heart song.”

My heart made a move as though it just shattered into hundreds of shards and pieces and fell like feathers, painfully gathering at the bottom of the empty chasm that was left. Whether it was from the heart breaking acknowledgment of the thought that I had been trying to avoid since the day we left for this realm or from Marren's heart breaking at my words, I couldn't be sure. All I knew
was
the door opened and sealed with Marren on the other side. I heard him say that if I was determined to have my way, to let me have it and then silence fell.

Do you really think this is me fighting to have my way? Marren, I just want you to be with me, not avoiding me and this is how I've been feeling. Why can't you see how your actions are affecting me?

Only the silent hum, somewhere in the distance and now somehow louder and closer, returned to me. I fell to my knees and hugged myself, hoping to keep the pieces of my broken heart from falling out of me.

I stayed in the
room. Not from giving into Marren, but from an utter loss of energy. It was well past dark before I removed myself from the floor. My muscles felt weak, my nose plugged and swollen. My throat was sore from crying. My shirt and hair were soaked from the tears. I had climbed into the bed and pulled the covers up over my shoulders and curled myself into a ball under them. The small lump inside my stomach still made itself known. Not liking the cramped and crowded space of my womb—I related to that feeling. Both of us were forced into a situation that was uncomfortable and restricting.

I had fallen asleep for a while, having exhausted myself to the point I couldn't keep my eyes open. A sound had awakened me. One I couldn't place or describe. I opened my eyes to a room that was different than when I first closed them. It was stripped bare of all the shattered and destroyed things that strewn the room. Only bare floors and walls were evident now. Maybe that was the sound? Then I heard a shuffle and the door closing softly.

Not hesitating, I removed myself from the bed and walked towards the door. A part of me wondered if Marren had stuck to his word he gave earlier. The other part of me was too emotionally worn to care. I pulled on the door and found it gave easily under my pressure.

The hall was empty. On the other side of the windows carved from the surface of the mountain was the glowing silhouette of trees and the stars in the sky. I stepped out carefully, listening for the sound of footsteps. My eyes caught Marren's form walking down the hall.

Marren, stop.
Please.

He kept walking, forcing me to run in order to catch up. “Is this how it's going to be?” I asked as soon as
I reached him. “
You ignoring
me?
”

He continued walking without a word.

Fighting off another onslaught of tears, I choked out.
“If you don't want me here that badly, I will leave.
I'm sure I can find my own way back to the mortal realm and I'm sure this will make the other Ancients happy as well.”

Still not another word.
I stopped mid-step, unable to go further. I watched Marren's back fade into the shadows and disappear.

***

I stared at the doors that led out of the home of the werewolves. Not a soul was in sight and those I passed on the way did nothing to stop me, much less look at me or acknowledge that I actually existed. I didn't want to stay where I wasn't wanted and, as much as it killed me inside to know that Marren wasn't speaking to me or even remotely cared that I was leaving, I needed to get out of there. Staying would have surely killed me.
I had no idea what would come of
me and the child inside me, but I didn't want to think about that. It nearly made me want to stay and endure being shunned and rejected, especially if it meant being able to see Marren more than I would if I left.

I pushed the doors open, feeling their weight give under my hands easily. The cool night air blew around me, as if it were forcing me back into the hall of the sheltering rock. But I couldn't force myself to stay.

Alone is better than dead, isn’t it?

Each step I took on the dirt road felt like my legs were weighted down with boulders. I kept my arms wrapped around me and my head low, shielded under the hooded cloak I wore. I reached the fork in the road and desperately searched for signs that would point me in the direction of the cross over. I decided that I would go right first, and if it turned out the wrong way, I could turn back and go down the other path.

The night was dark, but thanks to my werewolf sight, I could see the outlines of the trees and the path. The fleeting creatures that lived within the woods faded in and out of sight. Even the sounds they made fell on deaf ears. I wanted to be interested in this world, but I didn't want to give into my curiosities. It would make it that much harder to bear when I left. 

The moon moved high into the sky. The stars twinkled, some getting cloaked behind light drifts of clouds. I felt the enchantment of this place start to pull me in. I desperately clung to the decision that was made, not allowing myself to get pulled in. I couldn't change my own mind. I had to leave. Marren didn't want me anymore. The idea chilled me to the bone, emptying me of all hope, leaving only despair.

I forced myself to focus on the path ahead of me. With each step, I was getting closer to the cross over. I felt it. Then just ahead, a figure looking as still as can be, sat on a tree stump on the side of the road. It was slouched, leaning on its knees. Unintentionally, my foot kicked a rock on the road, skipping it and sending it loudly skidding against the dirt. The figure's head popped in my direction. I could tell now that the figure was male and only barely taller than me. The familiar slant of his shoulders, the position he took.

“Danst?
W—what are you doing here?”

“I could ask the same thing of you,” he said, looking around for someone else.
Probably Marren.

“I'm alone.” I took a deep breath to say the next thing. “I'm leaving. Marren has decided he doesn't want me
anymore. I guess Jiren was right. I must not be Marren’s heart song.” My voice cracked at the term that used to mean so much to me. Now it felt as though it really shouldn't.

“You've got it all wrong, Relena.”

“Do I?” I asked bitterly. “Because it seems like I have it right, considering I told him if he didn't want me here I'd leave to make it easier for him and he didn't say a word. In fact, short of locking me in a room like a prisoner, he's avoided me like he's ashamed of me.”

“You don't understand—”

“No, I understand fine!” I said.

“Relena, stop!”
He looked around and in a lower voice added, “Please, sit with me and let me at least explain to you.”

“Danst,” I said and smiled, unsure if he could see it but gave it a shot anyway. “You are a really great friend and I'm grateful for everything that you have done for me. And despite my feelings, it is apparent that not only am I not wanted here, but Marren has changed his mind about me. I can't stay. It hurts too much.” I choked on the last word. I quickly wrapped my arms tightly around him. “Take care of him for me, please.” Before he could answer or argue, I let him go and took off in a jog down the road, wiping tears from my vision.

As soon as I was sure Danst didn't follow me, I turned to judge the distance I had walked. I didn't get very far. I turned back around to continue down the path. I couldn't help but let my thoughts trail to Marren and how much I loved him. I needed him to know before I got too far. I stopped in the middle of the path and closed my eyes, focusing on my words.

I love you, Marren. More than I thought a person could love anyone. No matter what, I love you. I love you even though you don't want me anymore. But, I can't stay. It hurts too much. I feel like I'm dying a little more each second that passes and you drift further and further from me. I won't bother you. I won't even speak your name if that is what you wish. I'm sorry that I wasn't what you wanted after all.

I pushed back the tears, smacking away the ones that fell down my cheeks. I took steps forward, moving closer to the cross over and further from my heart. I felt myself fall further and further into despair hoping that at some point, I would become numb and all the pain would fade away into a distant memory. I could only hope that day would be sooner rather than later. I feared that my heart would kill me after all.

***

I was sure I had walked for hours when I found a path that looked familiar. The same curve of the path that led uphill to the mountainside just to my right. Even the sound of rushing water filled my ears and just as the pond came into view, I still didn't want to believe it.

Somehow, I had walked in a circle.

I turned back down the path, continuing further. I passed the stump that Danst sat at. He looked at me with weary eyes.
Past the pond, the path, and Danst again.
I stopped, panting.

“I don't understand. I keep going in circles.” I started to pace in front of him.

He looked up from the ground, moving mostly his eyes, which were sad and spoke of feeling sorry for me. “I tried to tell you that, but you didn't want to listen.”

“Well, can you lead me to the cross over then? I don't think I have the strength to do it alone and I can’t keep running in circles.”

“You're not running in circles,” he said.

I paused in my pacing to look him in the eye. There wasn't a hint of a laugh playing at his lips. Instead, they were pulled taut into a grimace. “What?” I asked.

“You were going straight and down the right path. But you don't want to leave, so it keeps taking you back to Marren.”

I couldn't lie, I didn't want to leave. I had struggled with myself over leaving. I even found myself finding reasons to stay, but I had to convince myself it was for the best because Marren didn't want me.

“I can't explain why, but you will only drive yourself crazy going back and forth on this,” he said softly.

I fell to my knees and sobbed, “But...Marren...doesn't...want...me...any…more...” My words came in between sobs and breaths.

Danst knelt beside me, wrapping his arms around me and rocking slightly. “How do you know?”

“I just do.”

“Did he say so?”

“No. He doesn't have to. He says it by ignoring me, avoiding me, and keeping me locked up in that room.”

“Relena, did it ever occur to you that perhaps he was trying to protect you from the people who nearly killed you?”

“No, but if he was so concerned with my safety, why didn't he rescue me?
Why didn’t he explain to me? Why does he keep hiding things from me?”

He let out a heavy sigh, and then released me, sitting on the ground. “I've known Marren for a very long time,
Relena. If I know anything about him, it’s he doesn't let anything get in between what he wants unless he's bound and forbidden from it by the other Ancients. You are in our world now. You have to obey the rules they set or it can be like the Netherworld.”

“But Marren is an Ancient and he broke the rules staying on the mortal realm longer than he should have.”

“He stretched the rules on that one and things are a bit more delicate now that you are here. He doesn't want to upset them and set them against him, you, and those who side with him.”

“Why doesn't he tell me these things? He always keeps these things to himself until he's given no other choice or I drag it out of him.”

“That is something you should ask him.”

“How?
  He won't talk to me. He avoids me as much as possible.” I sniffed, wiping the back of my hand across my nose. “He won't even touch me. He can barely look at me. You really think I've got this all wrong? I feel shunned and rejected and he does nothing to change it. He only makes it worse.”

“For what it's worth, I think you should go back and wait it out. I'm sure he'll come around.”

I nodded and stood from the ground. “Thanks, Danst. You've really been a great friend.”

“I know.”

“Please tell Marren that he knows where to find me if he wants me to stay.”

Danst's face grew dark. “Relena, I just told you, you can't leave.”

“Why?
Because I'm going in circles?
Tell me how to get back, please. It hurts too much to stay and what you ask of me may very well push me over the edge and kill me altogether.”

“I'm sorry, I can't,” he said.

I nodded. “Fine, I'm on my own then.”

***

I felt frustration grow within me. No matter what I did—no matter what path I took—it all led me back to that point, staring at the entrance to Marren's home. A place I truly believed I belonged. I spent the entire night trying to find a way out of there, desperate to get away from the reality staring me in the face.