Heartbeat (2 page)

I stared at Darnel waiting for the next lie to escape his lips. I knew where he really spent last night, but I allowed him to tell me otherwise. I had to bite my bottom lip to keep from laughing at the man I once thought I’d marry. His hand gestures became more and more erratic as his story progressed.  

I rolled my eyes and continued to toss his clothes out of the oversized walk in closet we once shared.

“Kesha! Baby! Why you ain’t tryin’ to hear me out, though?” Darnel stood behind me grabbing his clothes as fast as I was tossing them. “Baby, damn!”

“Darnel! I’m not going through this shit no more. Now, take your shit and get the hell out of my place!” I spun around to face him. I couldn’t even stand to look at him. I’d put up with his lies and games for the last six months but now I’d reached my limit.  

Darnel and I had only been dating nine months. At first it was great, but as time progressed, I noticed more and more inconsistencies in his stories.  I felt like a damn fool moving him into my condo so soon.

I went into my spacious living room and unplugged Darnel’s Xbox One and began tossing the games into the box where his other things were.

“Damn, Kesha! So you really gonna kick a nigga out like this?”

I didn’t even acknowledge him. I just kept throwing his things into the box. I was madder at myself than I was at him, because I’d allowed myself to stay in this relationship past its expiration date.

“Look, Darnel, you and I both know this isn’t working. I ain’t getting no younger to be wasting time with a nigga who ain’t shit.”

Darnel’s face suddenly hardened. He raised his right hand and slapped me. I fell to the floor on its impact. I touched the side of my burning face and looked at Darnel as if he had lost his mind. But once my eyes met his, I realized he had.

Darnel picked me up by my hair. I could feel the strands ripping from my scalp and I screamed from the pain. He threw me across the room as if I were a rag doll.

I attempted to get up, but he kicked me back to the floor. I could feel his fists and his feet stomping on me, but I couldn’t feel the pain. My adrenaline was pumping and all I could think about was getting to my bedroom nightstand to retrieve my Smith and Wesson.

“Stupid bitch! Who you think you is? Gonna try to put me out!” Darnel screamed as he kicked me in the head. “Stuck up ass bitch!”

I lay limp in the corner of my living room. I tried to move but every fiber in my body burned. Darnel finally stopped stomping me and walked into the kitchen. I heard him as he opened the refrigerator, then liquid hitting a glass as he poured himself a glass of water.

As I heard his ass gulping the water like a dehydrated man, I summoned all the strength I could to stand to my feet. I could taste the blood in my mouth and it only fueled my anger. Once I was standing, I ran into the bedroom and grabbed my gun.  

I heard Darnel right behind me so I didn’t hesitate to cock the gun and aim it at his head. “Bitch ass nigga! You’re not so tough now, huh?”

Darnel’s eyes widened as soon as he realized he was staring down the barrel of a gun. “Don’t be stupid, Kesha.”

“Stupid? Look at my face! I should kill your ass right now and do your mother a favor!” As soon as I said it, I knew it would sting like his slap had to my face. Darnel’s relationship with his mother had been non-existent since she kicked him out at the age of sixteen because her new boyfriend didn’t want to raise a kid that wasn’t his own.

Darnel flinched at the insult but he didn’t take any steps closer to me.

I spit the blood that had gathered in the corner of my mouth out at him. He again flinched but he didn’t take his eyes off the gun.

My mind was racing. I wanted to shoot him as sure as I was breathing, but instead I yelled, “Get the fuck out!”

Darnel began walking backwards. I kept the gun pointed at him even though my hands were trembling. He slowly bent to pick up his box of things.

Once he had reached the door he looked me up and down and said, “Bitch, this ain’t ova’.”

I spit on him again and slammed the door in his face. I immediately locked the door behind him and called the police.  

Less than five minutes later, two officers and my best friend, Charlie, was at my door.

“So, you sure you want to press charges on this Darnel Thompson?” Officer Green, a short, overweight, white man asked me. It was the third time he’d asked me the same dumb shit. Like why would I have called them if I wasn’t going to press charges?

“Hell yeah she’s sure! Look at her face!” Charlie said. She was standing on her feet with both of her hands on her hips. I couldn’t think back to the last time I’d seen her this angry.  

“Yes, Officer Green, I’m sure I want to press charges,” I said. I looked him dead in his eyes so he could see I was serious.

“Ok,” Officer Moore, the black cop said. “I recommend you get a locksmith over here as soon as possible.” He stared at me a little longer than I felt was necessary. “Also, I think you should get to a hospital and get yourself checked out.”

Charlie was already on her cell phone calling a locksmith. I let the officers know that I was headed to the hospital as soon as the locksmith left. Before the cops left, Officer Moore handed me his card and said, “Give me a call if you need anything else. A copy of the report will be available at the station when you’re ready to pick it up.”

I took his card and decided to hold my laughter until after I’d closed the door on them. Here I was, swollen, black and blue and he was still trying to hit on me.  

The locksmith that Charlie called arrived a few minutes after the cops left. He changed the locks on my door and Charlie took me to the hospital. I felt like a fool sitting in the passenger seat of her car with my face all fucked up. Charlie had a way of making you feel two feet tall. She’d told me over and over that Darnel was not worth my time but I still kept his ass around and now I had a black eye to show for it.

“I can’t believe that nigga put his got-damn hands on you!” Charlie said. She navigated her car in and out of lanes like a Nascar racecar driver.  

I bit my bottom lip but I didn’t say anything. I couldn’t believe it, either. Now, I had to worry about this nigga bringing his ass back to my condo.  

Charlie shook her head, “I swear you and Lake sure know how to pick em’.”

I looked her upside her head and wanted to slap her. I didn’t even say anything back to her. I was so sick of Charlie and her high and mighty attitude. Yes, she’d lucked up and married one hell of a guy, but she didn’t have to keep rubbing it in everybody’s faces. On top of that, I couldn’t help but be offended that she compared me to Lake! I was nothing like Lake’s dumb ass.

We made it to the hospital and after seeing a doctor I was told nothing was broken, it was just a few superficial cuts and bruises. But that still didn’t douse my anger. Darnel was a loser but I would have never thought he would have put his hands on me.  

“I can’t believe that muthafucka!” I yelled once we pulled out of the hospital parking lot. “We oughta get Big Craig on his ass.”

Charlie laughed, “Hell yeah. You want me to call him? He still owes me for bailing his ass out of jail two months ago.”

I smiled at the thought of Big Craig, Charlie’s 300 pound, 6’5 cousin, who would do anything for her. I was seriously thinking about calling him and having him beat Darnel’s ass. First, for putting his hands on me in the first place, and second, to send him a message because I was sure it wouldn’t be long before I saw Darnel again. I thought about calling that cop to see how I could go about getting a restraining order. There was something in the way he looked at me. I know he gave me his card for a reason but the last thing I needed to be thinking about was another man. It’d be awhile before I started dating again.

Destiny was screaming at the top of her tiny lungs waking me up out of my fantasy of Idris Elba and me lying on a beach in the Caribbean. I attempted to nudge Greg hoping he’d wake up and get her this time, but his side of the bed was empty.

My eyes shot open to see that Greg was indeed not in bed. “Greg?”

I climbed out of bed and went to the far right side of the room to pick Destiny up from her crib. “What’s wrong, Destiny?” I rocked her as I walked out of the bedroom calling out for Greg. He wasn’t in the living room either. As I walked back to the bedroom I glanced at the time of the microwave in the kitchen; it was 4:12 AM.

After I changed and fed Destiny, I grabbed my cell phone and called Greg. It rang three times before going to voicemail. I knew exactly what that meant. He’d rejected my call. I called him three more times back to back, each time my calls went straight to voicemail which now meant he’d turned his cell phone off.

“Son of a bitch!” I screamed before slamming my cell phone on top of my bed. I’d told myself I wasn’t going to spend my life being miserable but by the way Greg was acting, only one week after his daughter was born; it looked as if I surely would be.

“Greg, I don’t know where you are and why you’re not answering my calls. It could be a got-damn emergency with your daughter!” I tossed my phone on his empty side of the bed after leaving the fifth voicemail for him.

I couldn’t believe he was doing this to me. I didn’t want to think he was lying up with some bitch but the writing was on the wall. I rolled over in my bed and tried to fall asleep. After tossing and turning for two hours, I dug into my nightstand for my little bottle of pills. It was a mixture of all kinds of illegal prescription medication that wasn’t prescribed to me. Well, some of it was, but I made sure to steer clear of the pills that I was actually supposed to be taking. Nothing took worries away like the street shit. After taking two pills, I finally dozed off.

❤❤❤❤❤

I stood in the middle of my kitchen waiting on the bottle to finally get warm while at the same time bouncing her up and down in my arms. She was crying like I was hurting her and I was damn near about to pull my hair out of my head.

Having a baby was a lot harder than I ever thought it could be. Taking care of her by myself, was even harder. I hadn’t seen or heard from Greg in two weeks. If I wasn’t so embarrassed about the entire situation, I would have filed a missing person’s report on him. But I was carrying on like Greg and I were even more in love than ever. I was so sick of this man making a fool out of me!

It was like he didn’t even care that he just had a kid. I wanted to believe something bad had happened to him. That would have been better than him just completely ignoring the fact that he just had a child with me. I’d blocked my number and called him a few times and the nigga had the nerve to answer the got-damn phone after he’d ignored all fifty-seven calls from my phone number!

I didn’t know any of his relatives so I couldn’t call them or drive by their houses to see if he was there. Yeah, I know it was stupid as hell to be involved with a man for as long as I’d been, and never met any of his family. But I forgot about all that when I was in his arms at night and I preferred that to cold sheets any day of the week. Nonetheless, I’d been so stupid for so long, it made me nauseous with embarrassment.

I couldn’t believe I was fool enough to get involved with him, let alone get pregnant by him. Now here I was, about to lose my mind with a screaming baby in my arms and no idea how to be a mother.

Regret tasted so bitter as I thought about my situation. When I was in the eleventh grade, I’d gotten my heart broken so bad that I never seriously got involved with another guy afterwards. Yeah, I know it was a high school relationship, but I thought Zodrick Matthews was going to be my husband. Trouble was, so did three other chicks. I’d confronted one during lunch and we’d gotten into a fight. I beat that bitch’s ass so bad that I got suspended from school.

My parents were so pissed about me getting suspended, that they sent me away for the rest of the school year. I wasn’t even allowed to talk to Charlie! The time away from school and all my friends, left a sour taste in my mouth toward dudes. I dated here and there, but I wouldn’t allow myself to take them seriously…until Greg.

My cell phone rang and I nearly jumped out of my skin in order to answer it. The number flashing on my screen wasn’t Greg, but Mama.

“Hello?”

“Hey baby. How are you and my granddaughter doing?” She asked.

I smiled at my mother’s mention of my daughter. I knew my mother loved Destiny no matter how she felt about my pregnancy. “She’s good. Waking me up all through the night.”

“That’s a newborn for you,” Mama laughed. “But you have help. How is Greg adjusting?”

I didn’t know how to respond to my mother. I’d been lying so much it was starting to make my stomach hurt. I was tired of putting up a front like we were just one big happy family when I was confined to my small ass apartment raising my child on my own.

“It’s hard for him too, Ma. But we’re adjusting.”

My mother started laughing and then sighed, “Yes, it was hard on your father too when we first brought your brother home. It was even harder when we brought you home cause’ you stayed up all night justa’ hollerin’ and screamin’.”

“So, you mean to tell me I was a difficult baby?”

“Were you? Yes! So I know Destiny can’t be any worse.” The playfulness in Mama’s voice left and I knew it was coming before she even said it. “But lemme ask you this, have you and Greg been discussing a wedding? Destiny needs a solid foundation. She don’t need parents that are shacking up. God isn’t pleased with that.”

I was really hoping she’d let me slide this conversation, but I should have known better. “No, Ma, we haven’t discussed details. We’re just really trying to figure out if we can even afford a wedding.”

“Nonsense girl! You don’t need to put on a big showcase. Just gon’ down there to the courthouse and make it right by God,” Mama’s voice was rising so I knew she was getting upset. “If you must go through a formal ceremony, you know your father and I will take care of everything.”

I smiled at my mother’s gesture but I knew that day would never come. Til’ death do us part was looking bleaker and bleaker by the second for Greg and me.

“I gotta go, Ma. It’s time to feed Destiny,”

“Ok, baby. But you think about what I said, ok.”

When I got off the phone with Ma, it took everything in me not to burst into tears. I was a disappointment to my parents, but holding on to a cheating, lying man hurt even more.

I tried calling Greg’s phone again just for the hell of it. It didn’t shock me when my call went straight to voicemail. I didn’t have time to get frustrated because there was a knock on my door.

When I looked out the peephole I saw it was one of my neighbors, Denise. I opened the door for her, ready for the latest neighborhood gossip. I’d befriended Denise a few months ago. I wasn’t a very social person and didn’t go out of my way to make friends, but for some reason, I was drawn to Denise. She was very different from Charlie and Kesha and I found it easier to talk to her without the judgement and shit.

“Hey, Denise.”

“Hey, girl.” She walked inside my apartment and directly to Destiny. “Lemme see that beautiful baby girl.” She picked Destiny up and cooed as she rocked her back and forth. “She gets more and more beautiful every day, Lake.”

“Thank you.”

Denise looked up at me. “What’s wrong?”

It was really weird how Denise always seemed to know something was wrong without me ever saying anything. I sighed, “Girl, what isn’t wrong?”

Even though I didn’t know Denise that well it was very easy to talk to her. On many occasions, I found myself telling her more of my business than I’d like to. But she never told me how stupid I was like Charlie and Kesha did, like they were perfect or some shit.

“Hard adjusting to being a new mother?”

I shook my head as I watched her rock my daughter. “No, hard adjusting to being a
single
mother.”

Denise’s mouth dropped. “You and Greg broke it off?”

I got up to get one of Destiny’s blankets. I handed it to Denise who wrapped her up in it. “Might as well say that. He’s been gone for two weeks and ain’t been by or even bothered to call or nothin’.”

Denise gasped then sucked her teeth. “He ought to be ashamed of himself.”

I went on to tell her how much I wanted to leave Greg’s no good ass alone but there was just something holding me back. I could never tell Kesha and definitely not Charlie these things. Denise just nodded her head and told me how much she understood. She even told me about one of her no good boyfriends and how he used to dog her out, too. It felt good to be able to vent and then hear someone say they been through the same thing.

“But girl, you gotta leave that dog ass nigga alone. He ain’t ever gonna do right by you if he done went M.I.A just two weeks after his baby girl was born.”

I nodded my head because I knew what she was saying was true.

“I don’t know how I’ma tell my mama that there ain’t gonna be no wedding.”

Denise laughed and waved her hand as if to wave off my concern about my mama. “Girl, she’ll be alright. She ain’t the one who gotta live with his dog ass. Don’t let your mama bully you into marrying a nigga who ain’t shit.”

That was easy for Denise to say. Although, I wasn’t fool enough not to her the reason in her voice.

I sat and talked to Denise for fifteen more minutes but once she left I was still stuck with the same problems.

I attempted to call Greg again and my call was sent directly to voicemail so I knew that son of a bitch had blocked my number. Yep, I knew as sure as my name was Lake that he was laid up with some bitch. It wasn’t like it shocked me that Greg was sleeping with other women. I knew that much. But it was the fact that he was disowning his only child for some new piece of ass.

I screamed at the top of my lungs in hurt, frustration, and remorse. I should have left his ass long before I ended up pregnant by him. The thought of Destiny growing up without her dad and ending up with daddy issues because of it, made me sick to my stomach. I told myself I’d limit the amount of pills I was going to take since I was breastfeeding but I felt the urge and need for a Xanax now more than ever. One Xanax couldn’t hurt, right?

I ended up taking two and made a mental note to run to the store and buy Destiny some formula for the rest of the month. I sipped a glass of wine and waited for the pill to work its magic. I didn’t feel like moving but once I heard Destiny crying in the next room, I forced myself off the living room couch and went to tend to my daughter.