Heartless (20 page)

“Does it really matter
how
? I don’t like talking about it.”

“I know you don’t, but I wonder if that’s good for you. Maybe you shouldn’t hold everything in.”

“Maybe it’s not a matter of holding things in but of keeping things out. Look, I’m enjoying how things are between us right now. I want to live in the present. I don’t want to dwell on the past. Can you understand that?”

“Sure. Sure I can.” Josh gazed ahead blankly. “If you ever do want to talk about it though, I’m here. I told you before you can count on me.”

He turned to me trying to catch and hold my wandering gaze. I felt all tight now. First Geena had asked me questions and now Josh was pressing for details…

Josh slid his arm around my shoulders. “Hey, it’s okay. Forget I asked. Let’s pull out the blankets. I think the movie’s going to start soon.”

I focused on my breathing to release the tension in my body. In a way, it would be a relief if Josh knew the truth. But it would change things, I was sure of it. He was already pretty protective of me, but he still believed I was strong, and I wanted to get stronger, to make that part of me more real, to move beyond the ‘fake it’ part and really ‘make it’ the truth of who I was. The details about the past, about my parents’ death, about what they were involved in, and about Pastor Guthrie, would show that I was weak, and not just that, but that my parents’ were weak, too, which meant my weakness was probably genetic and I’d never overcome it fully. Maybe I’d have to ‘fake it’ throughout my life, but that was still preferable to being viewed as the weak, abused, victim-orphan. I’d had enough of that. And now that I’d met Josh, and college days were on the horizon, I knew I could finally let go of the first part of my life and move on to the next part.

As soon as we were tucked under the blankets, Geena and Garth returned with two big buckets of popcorn. Garth handed us one.

“Let’s see which one of us can make it last the whole film.”

“Another tradition,” said Josh.

We all turned on our speakers and settled in to watch the show. Hitchcock’s macabre spectacle, coupled with the drive-in fans’ crazy antics, turned out to be a perfect distraction. The best part was when everyone screamed along with Janet Leigh in the shower. Screams echoed through the scratchy movie speakers and out of the windows of every car. I wondered what the neighboring farmers made of this crazy place.

Driving home, we took the normal route out of the field and followed the long line of red brake lights back to the highway. Josh played quiet music on the radio and I was almost asleep by the time we pulled into the driveway. It was nearly 1 AM, too late to invite Josh in. He was tired, too. He’d only had one beer though, because he was driving. I’d drunk my two plus half of his second one, which is probably what made me so sleepy, and so relaxed.

He turned off the ignition and we sat in the driveway for a few minutes. I wondered vaguely if we could project a movie on Wayne’s garage doors and make ourselves a single car drive-in one day. I stretched my arms over my head. It had been a fun evening…

“I have an idea,” said Josh.

“Mmm…?” I was so relaxed I was almost asleep.

“Let’s go away somewhere.”

My eyes popped open. “What, like run away?”

I was jolted back to the past again. Ethan had wanted to run away with me once. Even before we kissed for the first time, and did other stuff, he thought we should hop on a freight train and get away from our parents, our church, our homes. He’d had stars in his eyes when he listed the possibilities that lay before us. We were younger then. Just kids. This was before we started exploring, before Pastor Guthrie summoned me to his private office. At the time I was chaffing at the church’s rigid structures but I didn’t have anything specific to run away from. Not at that point. But it wouldn’t be long, and by then Ethan’s plans were less pie-in-the-sky and more logistical; he kept putting it off until we had enough cash, until he had his driver's license, until the school year finished. And then when we finally started fooling around that seemed to take the edge off for a while.

And now, with Josh, the idea of running away triggered unburied feelings that danger was lurking somewhere. Again. My body tensed and I tried to breathe deeply and evenly, to calm this fight or flight response.

“Of course I don’t mean
run
away. I mean
go
away. For a weekend. Get out of the city to someplace quiet. Romantic.” He stroked the back of my hand gently.

“Oh.” I had to keep in mind that Josh was gentle. He didn’t want to use me or control me. He liked me for who I was. Not because I would spread my legs or keep my mouth shut or conspire with a plan to disappear.

“Let’s ride up the coast to Santa Barbara or Montecito. What do you think? Can you get away?”

I shrugged, willing my mind to draw itself out of the past and back to the present.

“You could get away from the renovation upheaval," he said. "I could give my mom the apartment for the weekend. She and Garth would like that.”

I pulled my knees to my chest, thinking.

When Josh said he’d leave the apartment to his mom and Garth I was pretty sure I knew what he meant. Did that mean going away with him for the weekend would lead to the same thing? Was I ready for that?

You love the guy. Yes you are ready
. I ignored this physically enthusiastic part of myself.

“You mean on your motorcycle?”

“Yeah. The weather’s perfect. The PCH is a great ride. Unless you’d rather take the convertible. But seriously, it’s way better on the bike.”

“And, like, we’d go to a hotel together?”

“Or a B & B. They’re a little cozier. And the second B stands for breakfast, by the way.” He grinned.

I rolled my eyes. Of course I knew that. “But you do mean
stay together
, right?”

One eyebrow quirked up and then it smoothed itself out as he smiled. “I suppose we could get separate rooms but economically it would be smarter if we shared.” He stared me down with a mischievous glance. I swallowed deeply.

“Heather, we won’t do anything you’re not ready for. You can trust me.”

I let out the breath I hardly knew I was holding.

“I was thinking of the weekend of your birthday. Unless you want to celebrate some other way?”

“Um…”

I hadn’t given my birthday much thought. I was surprised Josh remembered.

“You said mid-July, right?”

I nodded. “The 14
th
.”

“Perfect.” He laid back, his head resting on one arm. “Look. Isn’t amazing we can still see stars over LA?”

I looked up. There were hardly any compared to the scatter over Hitch’s field.

“I like that they’re always there,” I said. “Even when we can’t see them. And we’re the ones who are moving, while the stars just sparkle in the darkness, and space embraces us as we turn and turn…”

“You should write some of these thoughts down, Heather. These are the seeds of poems. Maybe you should study writing at Santa Cruz.”

I practically guffawed. “I’m not artistic at all. I can’t even cook.”

“Every skill needs practice in order to become talent. But seriously, why did you choose psychology?”

“I guess I want to understand more about people, and why they do the things they do. Why did you choose criminology?”

“Similar reason, actually, but a little darker. I don’t want to stop at understanding why people do what they do, I want to stop the people who do bad things. That’s why I plan to go into law, so I can be a prosecutor.”

“A biker-lawyer, huh?”

“They say you should have a niche brand.” He winked. But I noticed his eyelid was slow on its upward swing.

“Are you too tired to drive home? It’s awfully late.”

“What
are
you suggesting?” he murmured, pulling my shoulders closer to his chest.

“Not
that
.” I laughed, a bit nervously. “I’m tired too.” And scared, but I didn’t say that. “But to be safe, maybe you should crash here tonight.”

“Crash, huh? Crash here so I don’t crash on the road?”

That was a thought I did not want to dwell on. I realized I felt protective of Josh, too.

“I might be able to get over to my buddy, Rob’s. He’s in West Hollywood.”

“He’s probably asleep. Just stay here. I can make you breakfast in the morning.”

“Uh, you don’t cook. You’re telling me not to drive home in case I fall asleep on my bike and crash but then you plan to poison me in the morning with your cooking?”

“Stop!” I giggled, pushing at his chest, pushing him away, but he wouldn’t let me.

He leaned in closer. “Go ahead. Twist my arm.”

I took that literally and reached for his thick bicep, twisting it with both hands.

“Oww, that pinches. Okay, okay. Uncle!”

I let go, grinning in victory.

“You are pretty strong,” he said, rubbing his arm. “But not as strong as I am.”

He narrowed his eyes and gave me a sexy smile. Then he lunged for me, and he somehow managed to release the lever on my seat with a smooth deft move so that he landed on top of me with my seat almost completely horizontal.

My heart started beating like crazy. His lips found mind and his tongue deliberately searched every inch of my mouth. Suddenly I wasn’t tired anymore. My skin flared with heat and I felt a rush of moisture between my legs. Josh pressed his hips to mine, not in a grinding way but gently, a little restrained, so that I couldn’t help but arch up to meet him. How had we gone from being half asleep to
this
so fast?

I pulled my lips away to catch my breath. “You seem wide awake now.”

“Only certain parts,” he said hoarsely. “The parts I need for driving are slumbering deeply.”

He sucked on my throat and one hand kneaded my breast through my sweater.

“Josh, I’m still not ready.”

“I know,” he whispered. “But maybe we can do other things? There’s so many ways to feel good without doing
it
. Come on, Heather, I can make you feel
so
good…”

The ‘other ways’ I knew about had made me feel cheap. Ethan had shoved his cock in my mouth on several occasions and then he’d come in his hand, or on my shirt. Pastor Guthrie had done something similar while he was touching me, and even if the touching sometimes felt pleasurable, I always knew there was something dirty about it. Movies and TV shows hinted at other forms of pleasure but did not go into explicit detail.

I felt good under Josh. Maybe my body would know what to do if I was naked with him.

“Let’s go inside,” whispered Josh.

“I don’t know…”

“We can make out on the couch. And we won’t sleep together or anything. It’ll be a trial run before our weekend away, and if we don’t like it this way we can try something different in our B & B. I just want to touch you, Heather. Please let me touch you?”

He was touching me now, but I knew he meant he wanted to touch me naked. All over. I wanted that, too, despite my hesitation. Beach-girl would say go for it. She’d say, enjoy yourself. I was ready to enjoy myself.

I nodded. Josh half-lifted off me and looked into my eyes. “Yes?” he asked. “Are you saying ‘yes’?”

“Yes.” I nodded again. He kissed me again and then lifted off me completely so we could get out of the car and go into the house.

Josh

She’s in my arms. Every pale pink inch of her, and I feel her heat, her pulse, her throbbing desire. Her mind is in the way but her body is all mine. It’s been mine since we first met, only she doesn’t trust that yet. Her curves are divine, her muscles long and smooth and tight, her scent is driving me wild. I have to taste her. I want to dive into her pussy and devour her, but I have to take it slow. She’s coming out of her shell and I don’t want her to retreat back in.

Our shirts are off. She’s touching me tentatively through my jeans and it’s making me ache. I can’t help moaning. I want so much more pressure, and friction, and wetness. The head of my dick is bulging now and it’s reaching up past the waist of my jeans. I want to put that head in her mouth, and I want to put my mouth in the soft, wet vee of her legs. A sixty nine will have to come later. But I picture it now and I know my dick is oozing, ready to thrust and fire.