Heartmate (46 page)

He tried another smile; from her expression, it was no more successful. “I can't. They are not for me. They don't even like me.”

She put a hand on his shoulder, and he shuddered at her touch, wanting it to sink into his very bones so he could remember it forever. “They don't know you yet. They're really very good people.”

He didn't dare cover her hand with his own, didn't dare touch her. “I'm sure they are. Go, Danith.”

She frowned at him. A chorus outside the glider called her name. She looked to the Clovers, then back to him. With a quick brush of her lips against his, she left. “Later,” she said.

The glider door slid shut softly. T'Ash clenched his hands around the guide ball. “I'm not a good person,” he muttered.

A laughing group immediately converged around Danith, petting her, joking with her, teasing her, and peering into her food dish. Acting like they loved her.

And she laughed in return.

She never laughed with him, not like that, though she made him laugh.

He looked at her, dancing an impromptu jig with Mitchella. If she bonded as HeartMate with him, he would be forcing her into high society and rituals, all the rules a GreatHouse demanded, all the laws a GreatLady must follow. And all she would get in return was him.

She would be much better off without him.

She deserved a true Noble, a man as sterling in character as she herself. If he let her go, she could marry a Nobleman when she was ready, a man who would not have any doubts about his background or his character or his honor.

A scream shattered the air.

A boy ran toward Danith, knife held high. The sun shone on both the raised dagger and his teeth bared by grimacing feral lips.

Danith and the Clovers stood, stunned.

T'Ash 'ported from the glider.

Nettle moved in jerky strides, then leaped at Danith.

T'Ash's blaser cut him down midstride.

They stared at him in shocked silence, at the dead Downwind scruff huddled at his feet. Horror radiated from them, the common Clovers.

The men frowned, as if knowing that they should do something, but at a loss.

T'Ash set his jaw and flung the boy to Downwind DeathGrove. A collective gasp came from the gaily clad Clovers.

He glanced down at himself, dressed in black and ash brown, as usual. Utilitarian trous and shirt, without even a hint of embroidery at his cuffs, scuffed boots.

He could not look like them. He could not act like them. He would never be naive and easy like them.

The children recovered quickly enough, rushing to Danith, high, piping voices full of questions. They surrounded her, plucking at her gown.

Staring at T'Ash, she tried to detach them. One who was hopping about in excitement fell and Danith's gaze was pulled from T'Ash as she bent down to straighten the toddler and brush him off.

Claif joined her and scooped up a child, pointedly ignoring T'Ash. With a few gestures and casual words, he turned the others' attention away from T'Ash and drew them back into the grove.

Danith could marry into the Clovers, marry Claif, the outgoing, easy sort of man she had said she wanted.

She had never said she wanted to marry T'Ash.

He only brought her trouble and pain, and nearly got her killed.

Danith had suffered life-threatening danger. She had been a woman surrounded by blasers. And all because of her association with him.

She deserved someone better. She was his HeartMate, but she could never love the real T'Ash. No one could love him now. Only the HeartBond would make her love him.

He had been balancing on the thin edge of restraint for two weeks and now knew he could not spend one more night with her without performing the HeartBond. And he was incapable of binding them together forever without her consent.

He had to let her go.

She would have a better life without him.

Blood drained from him. Pressure built at the back of his eyes. His heart lay like a cold, hard lump inside him. Now, after his decision to let her go, it was too painful to watch her and he set the glider in motion, not looking back.

He dared never look back.

A clammy sweat coated his body, and he wondered if he'd ever be warm again. His emotions numb from the blow he'd just given himself, he tried to concentrate on what to do next. Every thought struggled through his pain. What next?

T'Ash sucked in a breath, but it left him unsteadily on a low moan. He could barely breathe, let alone think. What next?

Automatically his hands sent the glider far from the park noisy with laughter and cheer, far into NobleCountry. What next?

Something to finish the whole thing. Everything was over. Nothing could be made right. All gone. Except a debt.

He had an outstanding debt, to T'Ivy. T'Ash would arrange a trip to Gael City to procure a sky-crystal as the T'Ivy Testing Stone. He would take a designated member of the Family as witness. He only hoped they could leave today. The sooner, the better.

Once more he faced T'Ivy in the Ivy ResidenceDen, across the ancient desk. The man stared at him under beetled brows, fingers steepled. “You're sure you want to travel to Gael City now?”

“Yes,” T'Ash said, realizing he was lapsing into Downwind shortspeech again and vowed to answer better, next time. T'Ivy didn't look as if he wished to drop the subject, and as a mighty GreatLord, T'Ivy was accustomed to doing what he wished.

“I understood that your request for a new Passage was based upon the necessity of crafting another HeartGift. What of your HeartMate?”

T'Ash bled inside, his wound too painful to touch, to think of, let alone speak of. He welcomed the annoyance that came from T'Ivy's probing.

He shrugged.

T'Ivy tapped his fingers together, one brow raised. “As a matter of the transaction between T'Ivy GreatHouse and T'Ash GreatHouse, the potion didn't fail you?”

“No.” He struggled to add more. He'd thought he'd broken the habit of Downwind speech a long time ago, but he'd lapsed so often lately that he knew it was in just one more area that he'd failed. “T'Ivy GreatHouse honored its word; I've come to honor my own.”

T'Ivy sighed. “You know, being HeartMates doesn't mean that you don't see the other's faults, or ignore them. It simply means that you love in spite of the faults.”

T'Ash was the one with the overwhelming deficiencies, not Danith, but he had no intention of telling this to T'Ivy.

“During the time two souls cleave together, one can cleave the other,” T'Ivy looked pleased at his turn of phrase. “Your soul, made just for hers, hers just for yours. The claiming of a HeartMate isn't easy very often.”

T'Ash said nothing.

T'Ivy looked at him, then looked away. When his gaze rested on T'Ash once more, he had a hint of vulnerability in his eyes. “You know I met my HeartMate when I was midage. Before that, I'd had children by a wife and was widowed. I had a wife.” He hesitated an instant. “T'Ash, it is not the same. Companionship, respect, affection, even sex, is not the same as when two souls entwine in the HeartBond.”

T'Ash stood. He felt pale and his insides clenched with the still agonizing pain of what he'd lost. He could not take any more “words of wisdom.” He formed his sentences deliberately. “I am here to fulfill my word. If you wish to waive my service, do so; otherwise let us discuss the bargain.”

T'Ivy gestured to T'Ash's chair. “Please sit.”

T'Ash sank back into the comfortable seat. For some moments more he endured T'Ivy's scrutiny, then a gleam came to the GreatLord's eyes, and a small smile graced his lips. He pressed a crystal, and the Ivy butler silently entered. T'Ivy nodded to him. “Eiddew, please locate Hedara and relieve her from her duties until further notice. Ask her to come here for her next project as soon as possible.”

Eiddew bowed. “At once, my lord.” He bowed to T'Ash also, before leaving.

“Now,” T'Ivy said briskly. “The agreement you made with my HeartMate was that you would choose and obtain a sky-crystal as a Testing Tool for T'Ivy GreatHouse. Your trip expenses to Gael would be paid by us, and we would provide a Family member to accompany you and witness your honorable and best service. Her trip expenses would also be paid by us.”

T'Ash just wanted to nod. “That is correct,” he said instead.

“Hedara will accompany you. I think you will find her an excellent traveling companion.” The door opened. “Ah, here she is now.”

A woman slightly younger than Danith glided into the room, a long blue gown shot with gold swirled around her. She wore a many-braided hairstyle that would have taken hours to fix.

T'Ash reluctantly rose. She curtseyed to T'Ivy, then swept a deep curtsey to T'Ash, with a respectfully bowed head.

Danith had never curtseyed to him. He didn't even know until now that he'd missed the little courtesy. Then his heart stung at the thought that he had betrayed her with that complaint, a very minor thing.

When Hedara lifted her head, T'Ash saw she had the sky-crystal blue eyes of the Ivys, eyes that perfectly matched her gown.

T'Ivy came around the desk and took her hand to present her to T'Ash. “My niece, Hedara Ivy. Hedara, GreatLord T'Ash.” She curtseyed again, exactly as deep as proper manners ordained.

T'Ash nodded shortly.

Her cheerful countenance dimmed a little.

He felt a brute but had no interest in any woman but Danith. He let Hedara find her own chair as T'Ivy explained the undertaking to her.

“Now for the trip.” T'Ivy raised his voice slightly. “ResidenceLibrary present plan, time, and expenses for two non-related travelers to Gael City with a return to Druida.”

“The Ambroz Pass through the HardRock Mountains is currently blocked from rockfall; thus glider transport is excluded. Air transport over the mountains is not cost-effective. Stridebeasts are recommended,” ResidenceLibrary said.

T'Ash cursed.

Hedara looked taken aback, then tilted her head. “Do you ride?” she asked T'Ash.

“Yes.” Damned if he was going to try and moderate his speech anymore.

She nodded, her blond-brown hair wisped around her face. “I do, too.” She smiled, showing perfect teeth. “Very well. We should have no hardships there.”

“For a moderate pace, the round trip itself will take a week, an eightday,” said ResidenceLibrary.

“How long will it take you to conduct your business in Gael City?” asked Hedara.

He could pick the gem in under fifteen minutes, haggle with the merchant for another thirty. “A day in Gael City.”

She made a little moue with her mouth, but her eyes were amused. “A lot of riding with little relief, but if that's what you wish, GreatLord—”

“It is.”

Once again her head bent gracefully. “Then I concur. We can leave in two septhours, if that is agreeable?”

“Fine.”

“Ivy GreatHouse keeps a stable. I'll have the stridebeasts waiting outside the gates for you, T'Ash,” T'Ivy said smoothly. He studied T'Ash again. “I have a large HairyStrider that should carry your weight for the trip.”

“Nothing too high-strung,” T'Ash said.

“He's not a hybrid,” T'Ivy replied.

“And my own mount, if you please, Uncle,” Hedara said, smiling. She rose and crossed to T'Ash, holding out her hand.

He stood and shook it instead of kissing her fingers.

She raised her eyebrows again. “Until later.”

“Yes.”

She turned and exited, hips swaying with feminine grace and her innate poise, and with completely no allure for T'Ash.

“A man could do worse for a wife than my niece,” T'Ivy murmured. “And an alliance between T'Ivy and T'Ash . . .”

T'Ash inclined his head. “Merry meet.”

“And merry part.”

“And merry meet again. I'll obtain your sky-crystal.”

“Oh, T'Ash?”

“Yes?”

“I will want the old stone reshaped.”

“We can discuss that later.”

“Agreed. As long as you make it a priority. I hear you have many commissions.”

“Agreed. You will have a priority.”

“Then go with the Lady and Lord.”

T'Ash strode out.

Once home, he prepared to travel, trying to put his love from his mind. He ached with the devastation of losing Danith, and would have preferred a male traveling companion.

The merits of a long trip slowly sunk in. The extended journey would make his break with Danith complete. She would be settled into a new routine by the time he came back. And the trip would give him time to become accustomed to the fact that she would never be his.

But he wanted her triply protected. He'd welded a strong golden net around her, one that should last while he was gone. Also, she now wore a powerful shielding stone. But this was not enough. He scried T'Holly and felt some relief when he was referred to the GreatLord's personal holo cache, and didn't have to actually speak with the perceptive man. “This is T'Ash. I'm journeying to Gael City. I remind you of your vow regarding the safety of my HeartMate. Blessed be.”

Just as he'd packed his saddlebags, and was lifting them to his shoulder, Zanth entered his bedroom.

Eighteen