Heart's Duo (Ugly Eternity #4) (8 page)

“Can I talk to the two of you for a minute?” Since they were sitting in the middle of the living room, it seemed almost ridiculous to ask. He didn’t feel welcome, and this was more than a chat.

“Of course,” Hawke answered for both of them. “Jamie tells me you’re leaving. I hate you can’t stay until at least after Christmas.”

Shoving his hands in his pockets, Joss crossed the room. He’d been so uncomfortable since arriving, he didn’t even feel he could sit. Instead, he ended up hovering over the pair. “It’s nothing personal.”

Hawke flashed a sardonic grin. “Sure it is, but I’m not offended.”

Joss blew out a sigh. He always felt like an asshole when it came to Hawke. Sophie still wouldn’t look at him. “I’m sorry,” he said before he could back down. “For everything,” he added, in case Hawke didn’t understand. “I’ve thought about calling you thousands of times to apologize, but nothing I thought up seemed…” Joss floundered, incapable of finding a word strong enough to describe how much regret he carried daily.

Hawke saved him from trying. “I’m not.”

Joss nodded, at a loss. “Okay. Good talk.” He started to walk away, but Hawke’s low chuckle kept his feet glued to the floor. Hawke sat forward, setting his elbows on his knees and focusing on Joss.

“Our dad used to tell us that anything worth having was worth fighting for. When I met Maddox, I took that advice too much to heart.” A wry smile twisted Hawke’s lips, fascinating Joss. Even Sophie seemed incapable of looking away. “The harder he tried to push me, the further I dug in my heels determined to stay. I thought, damn, he has to be the one if I’ve had to work this hard to keep him.” Hawke shook his head. “I was wrong, but I didn’t realize how much so until Jamie.”

Joss wanted him to stop. Seriously. “You don’t have to do this.” Hawke had a way of looking at people. There wasn’t a doubt in Joss’ mind it was one of the biggest reasons Jamie had fallen for him. When Hawke focused on someone, he saw them—all the way to their soul. Joss felt laid bare. The desire to run away was epic, but oddly, he couldn’t.

“Yes. I do. You’re punishing yourself and you shouldn’t. Things are so easy with Jamie—simple. He loves me and if I work for it, I don’t feel like I do. Obviously, I would do anything to make him happy because for real, he’s my whole world, but it’s a haven, not a hell. Being with Maddox was nothing but exhausting highs and lows. That’s not real life. People can’t live that way forever. The forever kind of love is steady and comfortable. You’d kill to keep it, but the fight is external, not internal. The battle is supposed to be against the world not each other. It’s supposed to
for
each other. If Maddox had loved me, for real and forever, he would’ve given anything for me—even it meant losing you. He wasn’t willing to give up you.” Hawke sat back and crossed his arms over his chest as if satisfied his point was made. “I’ve always known why even if you don’t or he doesn’t.” Hawke released the footstool, kicking his heels up and settling back in. “On second thought, you should go home. You should be with Maddox on Christmas.”

Sometime during Hawke’s speech, Sophie had turned her head away. With her attention locked on the opposite wall, she couldn’t have screamed louder that she didn’t want to hear whatever was being said. Joss couldn’t let this go on. For all Hawke’s reassurance that Joss had no reason to be sorry, he did. Going down on his haunches, he touched her knee, forcing her to either meet his gaze or tell him to fuck off. When she turned her head, he wished it was the latter. For every ounce of forgiveness Hawke offered, Sophie obviously held twice the anger. He wished he knew some magic words to fix everything, but life didn’t work that way. Nothing would ever be to everyone’s satisfaction.

“For the record, I disagree.” Joss almost laughed at Sophie’s announcement. She couldn’t be kept down. “I think you’re a total douche for bailing on your brother the day before Christmas when he barely has a free moment as it is. He could’ve chosen to take his holiday and spend every second alone with his husband, but instead he included us. You’re a selfish ass.”

In spite of her insults, Joss couldn’t stop smiling. “You can’t stop being the controlling and judgmental older sister who knows best for one single second, can you?” She visibly clenched her teeth as if determined to prove him wrong. “I like it. Did you know I’m the older twin by two minutes? To most people, that might seem beside the point, but I’ve always known I was the older brother. I did love you, by the way.” She was grinding her teeth to a pulp. He could see it. It only spurred him on. “I’m sorry for being me. Even I wouldn’t wish me on anyone.” Sophie blinked, making him wonder if she was fighting back tears. They wouldn’t fall. Just like everything else, she held those with an iron grip as well. He respected her more than anyone he’d ever met. “For the record,” he said, using her words against her. “You should try to spend some time with Benton while you’re here.” She shot a nervous glance in Hawke’s direction. Hawke didn’t look surprised and Joss refused to back down now. “If you could see the way the two of you look at each other when you think the other isn’t paying attention, you’d figure out what the rest of us already know.” He chuckled because he couldn’t stop it from happening. “No one gets as furious with someone as he is with you unless they care.”

In a move that shocked the shit out of him, Sophie leaned forward and hugged him. Judging by her expression, it surprised her too. He wished he felt nothing as her scent enveloped him, but he did. If there was anything Joss knew with one hundred percent surety, it was that he was an idiot—through and through. A part of him had wanted Sophie from the second he set eyes on her, and that part didn’t want to give her up. The rest of him knew it wasn’t meant to be. He had to let it all go. She squeezed him harder as if she felt him slipping away. Lowering his voice for only her ears, he spoke into her hair, watching the red stands waft away with each exhaled word.

“If I’d been born a different man, you would’ve been the one.”

Sophie being Sophie, she set him free like no one else ever would. “Go away before you make me cry.” He would. In truth, he should’ve done it a long time ago.

* * * * *

Long after Joss left, Sophie eyed the doorway, ensuring he didn’t intend to return before saying anything. Of course, if she was being honest with herself. It took her that long to force her throat to work. “I feel like such a conniving little bitch. If I’d just asked you what in the fuck was going on between you and Maddox, maybe—I don’t know—I might’ve stayed out of it.”

A low chuckle rumbled from Hawke’s chest. “Yeah…probably not. Joss is right. You’re the big sister. Meddling is part of the job description. Not that it matters. It’s a hard thing to admit you’re insecure in a relationship, and I was.” Hawke shrugged. “Saying it aloud made me feel weak, and I didn’t want to feel that way. Chances are good, even if you’d asked, I wouldn’t have told you the full story. I felt like the biggest idiot in the world for taking Maddox back only to have him turn into this person I didn’t know. When I walked away from him the first time, I promised myself I wouldn’t be his doormat again, and there I was—except this time he had twice the power over me because I didn’t want to lose Addison. By the time we were over for the final time, I think I hated him more than I ever loved him. You didn’t do that and Joss didn’t either. It was me and it was him. We were destructive from the very beginning.”

Sophie nodded, completely understanding. “Oh, but what a delicious ride, huh? The passionate ones always burn you to the ground until there’s nothing left, but you never forget them.”

Hawke eyed her as if she’d shown too much of herself. There was a reason she’d never asked him too many pointed questions about Maddox. It opened the floor to him to ask about her life. No one knew her. She wanted it to stay that way. “I guess we don’t know as much about each other as I’ve always liked to pretend,” Hawke said, almost as if he’d read her thoughts.

“Yeah. I guess not. Sometimes, it’s kind of ugly in my head, and the things I do to escape aren’t the things you share with a brother.” She flashed him a quick smile. “Even when your brother is as awesome as mine.”

Hawke smiled back, warming her heart. “To be fair, apparently, we have the biggest freaks on the planet for parents. I think we were doomed from the start.”

Sophie laughed in spite of herself. “Sheesh. Imagine what our kids will be like. Scary. Hey, can I ask you a personal question?”

Hawke snorted. “This is new. I don’t think you’ve ever asked permission before.”

Sophie thought it over and shrugged. “I don’t know. For some reason, this seems more intrusive than usual.”

Hawke’s mouth turned up in one corner. “At this point, I’m willing to risk it.”

“Have Benton and you ever slept together?”

“Where did that come from?” Hawke asked with a chuckle.

“It’s a fair question.” One Sophie wished she could take back. “You were single when the two of you met.”

“He wasn’t.”

“Okay. Didn’t know that.” Her first reaction was to say she didn’t think it would matter to Benton, but, of course, it would. Benton valued honesty above all else. Still. “I can’t picture him in a relationship. Anyhow, it’s obvious the two of you care a lot about each other—maybe a little more than friends normally do. It’s made me curious.”

Hawke stared at the fireplace, seeming to consider her words carefully before responding. “It’s hard to explain. We have a strange bond. He’s funny when I don’t realize how badly I need to laugh. I’m serious when the rest of his life feels like a joke. To answer your question, no. We haven’t slept together. Although I’m certain there’s nothing Benton wouldn’t be willing to try or hasn’t done already, for that matter, but he’s straight.”

“Oh. I don’t know about that,” Benton said from the doorway. “If you’d ever given me hope, I would’ve switched teams for you.”

If there was a worse hell than get caught talking about someone, Sophie couldn’t think of one. She also couldn’t meet his stare. Her face was on fire. Hawke, on the other hand, didn’t appear the least bit surprised or embarrassed as Benton filled the space on the couch between them, forcing Sophie to scoot over or get squashed. Stretching out, Benton draped his arms over their shoulders, settling in.

Hawke snorted. “Yeah. Right. I begged you every night to ruin me for all others, but you never took me up on it. I was so neglected.”

Sophie stared at the two of them together, incapable of believing Hawke would say such a thing. He was never…funny, for lack of a better term. Benton did something to him—made him strange. Hawke and Benton spent a full thirty seconds trying to make eyes at one another before roaring with laughter. She saw it then. They would’ve never been able to take sex with each other seriously long enough to do the deed.

Swiping his eyes, Hawke stood to leave. “Speaking of begging sexy men to do bad things to me, I’m assuming mine is home now. If I’m lucky, I’ll catch him mid-shower.” Even with the empty space on the sofa, Benton didn’t move away. Sophie was more than a little aware of every spot his body touched hers. Benton waited until Hawke almost made it to the door.

“Hawke.” Hawke paused mid-step, glancing behind him with eyebrows raised in question. The sweetest smile Sophie had ever seen touched Benton’s lips. “I love you.” He was serious. Sophie could feel it.

Hawke returned Benton’s smile and his words. “I love you too.”

They both meant it. It wasn’t in the way Sophie had wondered about, but it was love. They were family. Their bond went beyond blood or ties anyone could see, but it was there. The knowledge made Sophie feel worse rather than better. Sometimes, she felt strangely alone. In her moment of self-pity, it took a minute for the weight of Benton’s stare to penetrate her thoughts. Once the sensation sank in, she couldn’t ignore it. He was chewing on his lip. It was wrong, but she couldn’t look away.

“It occurs to me, I may owe you an apology.”

Since her brain was busy attempting to keep her tongue from pleading with him to bite her instead of his lip, Sophie didn’t understand him right away. Once she deciphered his statement, she still didn’t understand.

“For what?”

His gaze swept her face. It took every ounce of her will to keep from pressing her hands to her stomach. It was dancing at the vision of his amber-colored eyes. She’d thought about him and his gorgeous eyes, more times than she’d care to admit in the past year.

“Everything I said in New Orleans. I have an issue with liars. In any case, I shouldn’t have cast my insecurities onto you.” Somehow, they were closer. Sophie wasn’t sure which one of them had shifted toward the other.

“Don’t apologize. You were right. I made a bad decision. It wasn’t one I planned in advance, but when the path opened, I chose the wrong one.” A bitter smile twisted her lips. “Story of my life.” She blinked. Barely an inch separated them. Since Sophie was a little more than fifty percent sure she’d been the one to close the distance between them, she shot to her feet. Because she didn’t want it to look as if she was running away, she forced herself to make another confession. “You were right about something else too. I would’ve hated it if Hawke turned into someone like me.” The admission tasted like ash and knocked the fantasy of Benton’s flavor from her mouth. “No one deserves that.”

*

He was like her. No one did deserve it. Yet here they were. Those thoughts carried him through the rest of the night. The idea of going home never occurred to him—not through another insane dinner with Hawke’s mother or any of the times Sophie caught him staring at her. Hawke and Jamie always made him feel welcome. Sometimes, he thought to show up, suitcases in hand and never leave. Most likely, no one would bat an eye. Perhaps, they were expecting it to happen any day. A smile tugged at the corners of his mouth at the idea. He could almost picture their faces.

“I have to know.”

Benton blinked, bringing Sophie’s face into focus. Leaning over in her seat, she was watching him as if anticipating his next move. He didn’t know what she was talking about. More times than he cared to admit, Benton got lost in his head.