Heart's Haven (13 page)

“Permission slips? Like in elementary school?”

“It’s what the board requires, Jack. I am their employee, after all.”

“Yeah, I know.” He looked to Red. “Think they’ll go for it?”

“They’ll go for it.” She grinned. “Thursday evening. You’re on. I’ll spread the word. Thanks for the grub.” Then she was gone.

“I’d better finish my reading.” Jack left with two brownies.

Suddenly they were alone in awkward silence.

“Are you sure about this, Cassidy?” Ty’s concern filled her with joy. “You’re making a meal every night but Sunday. You’ve got brunches, lunches and classes. I don’t want you to burn out.”

“I’m having too much fun to burn out.” What a dumb thing to say after that kiss. “But I do need part of tomorrow afternoon off. I asked Irina to cover, and she’s fine with it if you are.”

“Of course.” He waited expectantly, but Cassidy couldn’t tell him about her errand. Not yet. “Take all the time you need.”

“Thank you. And thanks for the help. We’re done here.”

But Ty didn’t go. He kept watching her. The funny fidgety feeling inside ballooned.

“I guess I’d better call a cab,” she murmured.

He cleared his throat.

“Um, if you’re not in a hurry, I thought you might like to come up to the roof.”

The roof? She was invited to his private place?

“I’ll get my coat and meet you at the stairs.”

Ty left. Cassidy filled her lungs with air, told her heart to calm down.

“Just because you think you can trust him, don’t go getting gaga.”

Her heart ignored that.

“It’s a perfect night,” Ty said, meeting her at the stairs.

Perfect for what? Cassidy didn’t ask. Instead she followed him to the roof. He closed the door behind them and switched off the light.

“Look up.”

Cassidy blinked, surprised by how different the city looked from up here. She peered into the night sky, saw stars sprinkled across the sky, glittering against the dark backdrop.

“It should be a good night to see Mars.” Ty revealed his telescope.

“That’s what you’ve been doing up here? Stargazing?”

“It’s more like communing with God for me.” He peered through the lens, found the spot he wanted and adjusted the controls. “Take a look.”

Cassidy didn’t know what to expect. Telescopes had never been part of her life. She’d never even wanted to peer through one before. But one look and she was transfixed by a soft red glow.

“It’s Mars.” Ty stood beside her, slightly behind, his body acting as a shield against the chilly spring breeze. “Can you see it?”

“Yes.” She could also see and hear and feel him, very near, murmuring facts and figures about the night sky.
Concentrate.
“Why is it so foggy in some places?”

“Pollution or space dust. Mars is highest in the sky between now and two o’clock. That’s the best viewing time.”

Ty was so close that his breath warmed her cheek as he moved the telescope slightly to show her different stars.

“It’s beautiful.” The magnificence awed her.

“It was created by God, all of it designed from a master plan. Isn’t that remarkable?” He grinned. “I get chills sometimes, just thinking about such creative genius.”

Cassidy had never thought of God as a genius.

“Humans prize imagination, but what kind of mind must it have taken to design our solar system and stars with nothing to go on? I think that’s why I was so moved when I went to the Middle East. At one time, it was the cradle of civilization. They have artifacts all over the place marking the history of generation after generation. And God was there the whole time.”

“You really believe that?”

“I
know
that. Don’t you?”

Cassidy thought about it for a moment.

“We used to go to Sunday school when we were kids. Mom would haul us out of bed, clean us up and we’d walk the five or six blocks to church. God always seemed more like a judge to me, a taskmaster.” She smiled at her memories. “Some of the sermons had me shivering in my shoes.”

“The Bible does talk about God’s anger against those who abused His goodness or wouldn’t obey,” Ty agreed, snugging her jacket around her neck and pulling the zip all the way up. “Better?” He waited for her nod. “But there are wonderful passages about how much He loves us, how far He’ll go to keep us. His infinite patience is what I admire most.”

“Why?”

Ty laughed.

“Probably because I have so little. I can’t understand how God could even want the children of Israel when they kept complaining in the desert. I mean, they had food, they had water and they weren’t slaves. They whined because nothing was familiar—but the very thing they were trying to escape was familiarity.”

She searched her brain for some memory of the Bible and came up blank.

“Later on God told this prophet called Hosea to take a wife, Gomer, who kept getting involved with other men. Repeatedly God orders Hosea to bring her home.” He brushed his knuckles against her cheek. “It’s a perfect illustration of God’s patience and love toward us.”

Cassidy shivered in the night breeze, grateful when Ty hugged her against his side.

“Why did Hosea have to marry a woman like that?”

“To show that He chooses people who are, in themselves, nothing out of the ordinary. It’s what He chooses to do with those people that makes the difference. Should we go in? Are you too cold?” His tender voice chased away the chill.

Someone would interrupt them if they went inside. Or she’d be too embarrassed to ask questions. Here in the dark it was easier to forget her uneasiness, ask when she didn’t understand and revel in being with him. She shook her head.

“Go on.”

“Gomer kept being unfaithful, it wasn’t just a one-time deal. So for Hosea to keep bringing her back must have made him look stupid to the community. But God was trying to teach His people that His love doesn’t die because they do something wrong. So He insisted Hosea restore Gomer as his wife over and over.”

“She must have been quite a woman.”

Ty grinned.

“That’s the amazing part. She wasn’t an unusual person. Neither was Abraham. God didn’t owe either of them anything, they deserved nothing. And yet God chose to bless them both because He wanted to show His love.”

“I’ve never heard that part of the Bible before.” Cassidy felt silly saying it. She wasn’t a heathen; she’d been to church. But she’d never read those passages.

“It’s there. In the Old Testament. Book of Hosea. The gist of the entire book is about pursuing our own personal agendas instead of doing what God asks.”

“I don’t understand what that means. Oh.” A star shot across the sky in an arc that flared then dissipated. “We went to church when Mom took us.”

Ty continued, “That’s good, but there are lots of reasons for going to church. For some, it’s a way to socialize. Not to learn about God, but to meet and greet, to be seen or make business contacts. As if going to church means you can be trusted.”

“My dad should have gone. Maybe—”

“Going to church doesn’t make you any better than the guy who goes to his service-club meeting every week, Cassidy.” He led her to a bench, waited till she was seated, then pulled a blanket he’d brought over their legs. “Lots of people go because they think they’ll lose status if they aren’t seen in their regular pew.”

His nearness distracted her from the questions that were filling her brain.

“Why do
you
go?”

“The reason I should be going is to worship God, and to learn what He asks of me. What I shouldn’t be doing is going through the motions. That usually means I’m trying to make God into what I want, instead of figuring out who He really is.”

“I think of God as a stern judge,” she admitted, edging a bit closer.

“Who punishes you because you did something wrong?” He smiled at her nod. “So you’ve made God into a judge. Lots of people think God is like a grandfather, spoiling them, not making them follow the rules.”

“I never saw God as a grandfather.”

“Some people call Him a ‘higher power’ and talk about tapping into Him. Essentially they mean God is there to serve them. That’s what Hosea the prophet was supposed to preach about. Gomer was the picture of those people.”

“Oh.”

“Read the story for yourself. We can’t pursue our own interests and ask God to pitch in when we need Him.”

Cassidy frowned. She didn’t like that. And in her mind, it didn’t make sense. If God
was
God, then He had everything. And if He loved people so much, why wasn’t He willing to help them out? To punish those who misused them?

“You’re so quiet. Have I confused you?” Ty smiled at her nod. “Don’t be afraid to ask questions, Cassidy. You told the students that tonight. Because it’s the only way to learn. Not that I have all the answers. But the Bible does.”

“I don’t understand what the problem was.”

“The problem was God’s people were putting themselves first.” He pushed a strand of hair from her eyes. “They ignored and distorted God in the process.”

“How?”

“Same as us. God is the only thing that will satisfy. We keep trying our own methods to find happiness. We think God owes us and we blame God when things don’t go the way we want.”

Cassidy looked away from his piercing gaze, afraid he could see straight into her heart.

“We have to learn to trust God even when we don’t get our own way.” He grimaced, shook his head. “You need to study it yourself.”

“I see.” What did she know about studying the Bible?

“There’s another month-long study on Hosea they’re running at the church. I just finished it. You could give them a call, register for a session.”

“I’ll think about it.” She needed time alone to consider what he’d said, to read the passage for herself. Cassidy rose. “It must be late. I’d better get home.”

Ty checked his watch, clicked his teeth.

“And I was going to get Jack in early tonight. But thanks for sharing Mars. I always enjoy looking at the red planet.”

I enjoy being with you.

But Cassidy didn’t say it.

Instead she thanked him, then hurried downstairs while he covered his telescope. She summoned a cab and left before they could meet again. But even with the fire burning, her cozy little cottage didn’t seem as comforting tonight. A thread of discontent unraveled inside her, making her want more.

Cassidy studied the drawing of her dream restaurant, one she hoped to run one day. She’d hung the sketch on the wall as motivation, to keep her focused on her goal. As she looked at it now, she wondered why it didn’t seem quite so bright, quite so enticing.

Her conversation with Ty clung to the back of her mind. She debated a moment, then dug through her storage trunk and pulled out the tattered copy of the Bible she’d received one Christmas. She couldn’t find the Book of Hosea, so she used the directory at the front, then thumbed through the thin, rattling pages until she came to the passage Ty had described.

Slowly she read, trying to align what Ty had said with the words on the page.

It didn’t all make sense and Ty’s comment kept returning.

We think God owes us.

Ty seemed to think that was wrong thinking. A few weeks ago Cassidy would have debated that.

Now she wasn’t so sure.

Maybe it was time to figure out exactly what she could and couldn’t expect from God.

W
ith March break over and the kids back in school, Ty had expected the pace at the Haven to slow down.

Wrong.

The place was busier than ever. Spring seemed to bring everyone to the old brick school, and a lot of those visitors came through his office door.

He’d hoped the flashbacks and nightmares would diminish, that Cassidy was right and talking about them would help ease their powerful effect.

He’d been wrong there, too.

The weight of dread increased each time a client began talking about their problem and looked to him for help. The nightmares came almost every night now, fracturing his sleep, attacking his confidence. Ty struggled to push through the fear; he faced every situation praying desperately for relief.

And through it all he kept a desperate watch on Jack.

At the moment, Jack was helping Cassidy launch a new mom’s cooking class. The kid was a natural teacher. After Cassidy showed how to create a grocery list from a menu, Jack explained different cooking terms. Ty had intended simply to stop by, but he couldn’t tear his gaze away from his nephew, who looked a totally different boy, or from Cassidy, whose glowing face constantly filled his mind. When she called for a break, Ty couldn’t leave.

“He’s good, isn’t he?”

“I’ve never seen Jack so engaged. When did this happen?”

“He’s been helping me out, and it gave him confidence.” She grinned, raised her shoulders in a shrug. “Now there’s no stopping him.”

Cassidy had done for Jack what Ty should have.

“How did your session go?” she asked.

“I suggested a marriage counselor.”

“Oh.” She looked disappointed. “You couldn’t help?”

“They need specialized treatment, but even then, I’m not sure either of them is willing to work through their issues. Neither have fully committed to making their marriage work.”

“But they’re married. They have children.”

“They’ve made all the outward moves toward commitment. But in actions and thoughts they are still individuals. A specialized therapist could help—if they go.”

“Selfishness.”

“Pardon?” He couldn’t stop thinking about how beautiful she looked.

“Selfishness. I’ve begun to realize that it’s at the bottom of so many problems. I keep seeing it over and over. Kids, parents, wives, husbands. We’re all pushing so hard toward our own goals.” Cassidy made a funny face. “Me included.”

“What do you mean? You give way above and beyond.”

Her expression grew pensive.

“But do I do it because I want to get my six months over with? Or do I do it because I want to help? I keep asking myself that.”

“Anyone who was just serving time would hardly be here every night, long after their ‘duty’ was over.” Ty touched her arm. “Is something going on? Do you want to talk about it, Cassidy?”

“Yes, I do,” she said, surprising him with the firmness of her answer. “But not right now. Could we meet later on the roof?”

“Sure.” Ty had longed to spend more time with Cassidy, but he wished it didn’t have to be during the one moment he’d set aside to pray for confirmation of a decision he now realized was imminent. “I’m just heading up there now.”

“It’s not dark yet. You won’t be able to see anything.” She nodded toward Jack. “Why don’t you stay for the rest of the class? Jack would appreciate having you here. He doesn’t get to see much of you lately.”

Cassidy’s gentle reprimand hit home. Ty had been avoiding Jack for the past few days. They’d managed to get along without any big blowups, and Ty was afraid of ruining that.

“He needs your encouragement, Ty. Your being here would be good for him.” Her sweet smile coaxed him to agree.

Ty couldn’t refuse when she looked at him like that. He remembered their kiss.

“I could stay for a while. What are you making?”

“Lasagna.” When he licked his lips, her laughter lilted up to the ceiling, bringing a smile to the ladies’ faces. Even Jack grinned. “Don’t worry. I’ll make sure you get some when we’re finished.”

“I hope so. I need to keep up my energy.” Ty rolled up his sleeves and stepped up to a nearby table. “Do you ladies mind if I join you?”

They didn’t. Soon the room was brimming with the robust aroma of tomatoes and oregano. Ty felt utterly inept as he stirred the bubbling sauce, trying to avoid the scalding droplets that burst up and out of the pot.

“The burner’s too hot, Uncle Ty.” Jack flicked the switch. “Simmer means a really low heat. And if you don’t move the spoon so fast, it won’t splatter you.”

When Jack dabbed a red splotch from his forehead, Ty’s humiliation multiplied.

“Thanks.”

“Cassidy says nobody knows everything. We all have stuff to learn.” Jack moved on to show one of the women how to lay the noodles in her pan.

In some ways the class was a fiasco. The ladies asked him to pour the sauce over their noodles but Ty couldn’t seem to manage the big pot without splashing all over himself. He was pretty sure the best cleaner in Chicago wouldn’t be able to save his shirt.

Jack had a good laugh when Ty skinned his knuckles on the cheese grater, but because it wasn’t the familiar sneer Ty usually saw, he was able to join in and laugh at his own ineptitude. For the first time in a very long time, it felt like they really connected.

Until Red and the gang appeared in the kitchen doorway at the end of the class. Ty struggled to hang on to his relaxed attitude. After they greeted Jack in some kind of weird salute, whispered together, Ty’s tension inched upward.

“They’re going for a soda. It’s just two blocks away. Can I go, Uncle Ty? I won’t stay long, I promise.”

A picture of Donnie feathered through Ty’s mind. What if—

Every sense screamed at him to say no and to get Jack home as fast as he could, away from these negative influences. But he’d promised Cassidy he’d talk to her and he’d promised himself he’d push past the fear and allow Jack a bit of freedom.

“One hour,” he said, checking his watch. “And don’t be late, Jack.”

“I won’t.” Jack grabbed his jacket then followed his new friends out.

“He’ll be okay,” Cassidy murmured at his shoulder.

But she couldn’t guarantee that, and they both knew it.

The ladies insisted on cleaning the kitchen, so Ty led Cassidy up to the roof. They spent a few minutes peering through the telescope, but clouds had rolled in making it difficult to see. Ty didn’t mind; he wanted to hear what she had to say.

The roof looked different tonight. Low lighting revealed a variety of shapes, left enough room to move around but didn’t glare or blaze. He breathed in the rich perfume of flowers. A quick glance around revealed a row of cedars in massive pots. In front of them were chairs, his benches, a table or two. Scattered around the space were planters just beginning to bloom.

“You did this,” he said, seeing the truth splashed across her lovely face.

“Davis and the guys helped when you went out this afternoon.”

“It’s beautiful.”

“I hope you don’t mind. The name of this place is the Haven and since this seems to be your haven, I thought it should be a little more comfortable. Davis put up an awning that extends from the roof so you can even sit up here in the rain.”

“It’s fantastic.” He had a good look at everything, but when Cassidy perched on the edge of a loveseat, he knew she was more troubled than she’d let on.

Please God, let me be a help. Don’t let me freeze up.

“What did you want to talk to me about?”

Cassidy lifted her head.

“I’ve found the place I want to rent for my restaurant.”

“Restaurant?”

“Yes. It’s in a fantastic old building.”

He blinked, surprised by the passion in her voice as she told him of her lifelong dream. When she was finished, Ty could almost see the place in his mind.

“The picture—on your wall. It’s of a restaurant, isn’t it? Your restaurant.”

Cassidy pressed one raven strand behind her ear as she always did when she was deeply engrossed, as if that strand broke her concentration. She wore a different perfume tonight. Fuller bodied, hinting at facets of her character he had yet to discover.

The thing was he did want to know them. All of them. In fact, Ty wanted to learn everything he could about this amazing woman.

“Tell me.”

“A friend drew that sketch after I described my dream restaurant. I keep it hanging there to remind me of my goal. But lately I’ve been wondering if my dream is ever going to become reality.”

“Why? Have you changed your mind?” He winked. “You want to stay on at the Haven, is that it?”

“You wish.” She laughed, but he caught an inflection of pain. “I’ve really been enjoying my time here. I never thought I would.”

She stared into the night. A frown marred the smooth expanse of her wide forehead.

“Cassidy?” When she didn’t answer, Ty wrapped an arm around her shoulder. “Talk to me.”

“It’s my dad, again.” She made no attempt to move away from Ty’s arm.

“He’s written me a letter asking me to forgive him.”

“And have you?”

She twisted her head to peer at him. Teardrops hung from her dark lashes.

“I can’t,” she whispered, shaking her head from side to side. “I wish I could. I’d like to put it all behind me, to pretend it doesn’t matter. But it matters, Ty.”

“Of course the past matters. But—”

“If I could say the words and make all the pain and damage magically disappear, don’t you think I would, if only to be free of it all?” She scrubbed at her wet cheek like a little girl who’s embarrassed about crying in front of the neighborhood boys.

Ty trapped the tear dangling on the end of her long lashes with a fingertip. “But the hurt goes too deep?”

She nodded, sniffed.

“I can’t say that I forgive him, because I won’t mean it and I refuse to lie.” She hiccuped a sob, blew her nose and straightened her shoulders. “He left us alone, Ty. We were just kids. He promised me he’d come back that night, but he didn’t. He abandoned us as if we were no more than stray cats. We could have died in a fire. We could have been attacked or worse and he wouldn’t have even known. Probably wouldn’t have cared.”

“Don’t say that.”

“It’s true.” Bitterness laced her aching voice. “We needed a father. But all he ever worried about was where the next drink was coming from. His own children and he couldn’t be bothered to love us.”

“I’m sorry.” He drew her head against his chest and let her weep out the pain that had built up over the years. “I’m so sorry, Cassidy.” Ty brushed his lips against her glossy black head, closed his eyes at the silken touch. “I wish I could say something that would erase it all and make you forget.”

A few more sobs escaped before she drew slightly away, dabbing at her tears.

“What do I do now? I don’t want to write in words that I can’t forgive him. I don’t want to put that down in black and white and send it to him to read. It would be almost as bad as what he did to us. But—” She sighed. “I want him to leave me alone.”

“It doesn’t sound like that’s going to happen. This is the second time he’s contacted you, isn’t it?”

“Actually it’s the fourth.”

Fourth?
He blinked, shocked by the knowledge that she hadn’t said a word.

“This is his third letter. He contacted my sisters, got their forgiveness and moved right back into their lives.”

The bitterness in her words made him ask, “But not yours?”

“No. Not mine. I’m not saying he’s not sorry. Maybe he is. But it isn’t enough.”

There was something else. Ty began to probe, hoping he wouldn’t hurt her too deeply by digging into the past.

“Tell me what it was like at your aunt’s, Cassidy.”

She caught her breath, stared at him. “What do you mean?”

“You said there were lots of rules. What else?”

“I took care of my sisters. I made sure their clothes were clean, that they had school lunches, that they didn’t bug her when she had her card group over.” Cassidy drew in a shaky breath then continued. “I made sure they did their homework. On the weekends, to give her a break, I took them to the library or we’d go to the park and I’d read to them.”

“How old were you?”

“When we got there?”

He nodded.

“Almost fourteen.”

Almost Jack’s age. His heart ached for the girl who’d tried so hard to protect her family.

“There are two years between each of us. My aunt lived about two blocks from where I live now. We went back with my dad a couple of times, but he always took off and we’d end up with her again.”

“Did your friends know?”

“At school?” She shook her head. “There was no time to play with anyone after school and when we were in class, it didn’t seem to matter. We all had problems. Ask Davis.”

He would. Ty wanted to learn as much as he could about Cassidy.

“When you finished high school? What did you do then?”

“I got a job. Two of them, actually. I cooked in a hotel dining room and I ran a little catering business on the side. My aunt agreed that my sisters could live with me. They both won full academic scholarships to college.” She said it proudly, as if she were their mother. “One’s a physiotherapist. The other is doing her surgical residency.”

“You didn’t want to go to college, like they did?”

She shrugged. “I didn’t have the money. But I could cook and I loved it and people paid me well. At Christmas I made a killing catering staff parties. I scoured the cookbooks in the bookstores and memorized a new recipe each time I went in. Pretty soon I ad-libbed my own. Pastry came easily to me, so I specialized.”

“You are an amazing woman, Cassidy Preston.”

She frowned. “I did what I had to. There wasn’t anything heroic about it.”

He was amazed she didn’t realize how much she’d accomplished.

“So you went to Paris?”

Her face transformed into a bitter mask.

“I almost didn’t. I scrimped and saved for ages. And then
he
broke in and stole it. I think that’s what I can’t forgive. Or the fact that God let him do it.”