Heart's Haven (14 page)

“That’s why you’re mad at God.” He saw the truth on her face. “It doesn’t help you, Cassidy. You’ve clung to your anger and bitterness for years, but none of it makes you feel any better. Even when he’s come asking you to forgive him, it isn’t enough.”

“I know you think it should be.” She drew away from him. The distance was like a cool wind that blew between them.

But Ty wouldn’t give up. He wanted to help. Maybe he’d say the wrong thing again. Maybe he’d do more damage than good. But he could not walk away from this woman and leave her wondering why God didn’t care about her.

“What if you told him what you’re feeling?”

“God?” She frowned, half shook her head. “I don’t think—”

“Well, telling God isn’t a bad idea, either. But I was talking about your father. What if you told him how badly his actions hurt you?”

“No. I don’t want to see him. I’ll get all mixed up and the words won’t come out right. He’ll talk me into something and I don’t want that.” Her hands knotted together as she edged forward on the seat.

“Then write it down.” Ty crouched in front of her so she had to look at him. “Write your father a letter, Cassidy. Say everything you want, tell him exactly how you felt when he abandoned you. Tell him how it felt to come home and find out he’d stolen what you’d worked so hard to build. Write it all down.”

“He won’t like it.”

“You’re not doing it for him, you’re doing it for yourself. To heal.”

“Then what?”

This was the hardest part.

“Then you tell God you need to find a way to forgive your father.” Anger rushed in to darken her features but Ty hung on to her hands. “You told me he promised he’d come back.”

“Yes.”

“But he never did that.”

She almost vibrated with anger, silver eyes dark as a storm cloud.

“That lie has hidden in a corner of your heart and festered for years. It’s why you blame God. Because He abandoned you when He didn’t bring your dad home. Am I right?”

“Yes.” She hung her head.

“Dear Cassidy, God didn’t abandon you. He was right there, waiting to comfort you. He sent you Elizabeth to make sure you realized your dream.”

“Why didn’t He stop all our pain?”

“I don’t know. I only know He had your best interests at heart and that He’s been waiting all this time for you to let Him heal you. But you have to ask Him, Cassidy. You have to be willing to let go of the poison of unforgiveness.”

“I can’t.”

The plaintive whisper broke his heart, but Ty couldn’t stop now.

“You can, Cassidy. You’re a strong woman. You make a decision and you push forward to achieve your goal. You protected your sisters, you did what you had to but now, you must end this bitterness or it will eat you up, ruin the years you have left.” He pushed the dark strands away from her face so he could see into her eyes. “Don’t you want to be free?”

“Yes.” Emotion gushed out in that simple word.

“Then take charge. Don’t let hate and anger control you anymore. Say what you need to in your letter. If you need time, tell your father that. You’re in a position of strength, Cassidy. What happens next is totally up to you.”

Doubt fluttered across her face, but eventually she nodded, freed her hands and pushed her palms against her cheeks and back, drawing away the tear tracks from her cheeks.

“Thank you.” She smiled, rose, offered him a hand to pull him upright. “If you ever need a professional reference, I’ll give it. You’re very good at drawing people out.”

“I only tried to help. It hurts me to see you suffer.” Ty moved close enough to tip his head forward and press his forehead against hers. “Your mother must be very proud of you, Cassidy Preston.”

He angled his head and brushed his lips against hers. It was a fleeting kiss, asking no deep questions. And she was still wrestling against the barrier she’d erected between herself and God. He’d pray about that.

Cassidy drew away too soon. She didn’t look at him as they left the roof.

“Jack must be back by now.”

Except he wasn’t.

The hour was long gone and Jack had not returned.

“I should never have let him go.” Ty paced the foyer in measured steps that did little to quash the knot in his stomach. “What if he’s hurt?”

“He’s just forgotten the time,” she soothed.

“He can’t afford to forget it,” Ty snapped, then apologized. “I’m sorry, I—”

They both froze at the sound of laughter outside. A car door slammed outside. A moment later, Jack burst through the door. The pleasure on his face drained away as he caught Ty’s glare.

“I’m sorry. We went for a ride and—”

“A ride? In a stranger’s car? You said you were going for a soda two blocks away. You promised you’d be back in an hour.”

“But I—”

“No excuses, Jack. Riding in cars without permission is not allowed.” That’s how Donnie had started. Riding with friends. Drugs. Then he’d run away. “You know the rules.”

“I know that I can’t do anything. I’m a prisoner here. You want to control every inch of my life.”

“You two need to go home,” Cassidy interrupted, tilting her head toward Mac, who was halfway down the stairs, watching them. “There are people upstairs trying to rest.”

“Yes, you’re right. We’ll drop you off on the way.” Ty handed Jack the backpack he’d carried down from his office. “Let’s go.”

Jack flopped into the backseat, his face rebellious. Cassidy sat in the front but she didn’t remain silent for long. She shot Ty a look then twisted in her seat toward Jack.

“I raised my two sisters, when they were about your age.” Her face tightened. “If they’d pulled what you did tonight, I’d have grounded them for a month.”

“I didn’t do anything wrong.”

“Not true. Do you know how I felt, standing there, wondering why you broke your promise, afraid something had happened to you?”

Cassidy was furious. Her fingers curled around the edges of her handbag leaving her oval nails pale in the glow of the dash lights. Her mouth pinched tight, her eyes narrowed, darkened.

“I’m sorry, Cassidy.”

“Don’t be sorry, Jack. Keep your word. I thought I could trust your word. I hope I wasn’t wrong.”

Ty pulled up to the curb in front of her house. He reached for his door handle but she stopped him.

“No. It’s late. You’re tired and you need to get home. Just wait until I’m inside, please?”

“Of course. Good night. Remember what I said.”

“I will.” She climbed out. A moment later she’d disappeared inside her house.

“She was really mad.” Surprise colored Jack’s voice.

“She was really scared,” Ty corrected. “We both were.”

“But why? I wasn’t doing anything wrong.”

“Yes, Jack, you were. You made a promise and you didn’t keep it. You have a cell phone but you didn’t call to ask if you could go in that car. I trusted you. We both did. And you let us down.”

For once Jack had nothing to say as they drove to the rooms they shared, the impersonal place that had never been home.

Ty was glad of the silence. He needed to think about finding someone else for this job. Someone who didn’t have a family to protect.

Only, how could he walk away from Cassidy? She’d taken root in his heart.

F
or three nights Cassidy struggled to put her feelings onto paper. For three nights she stopped when the hurt grew too big. She was afraid it would never go away.

But today, this last day of March, was her thirtieth birthday and she was determined to get it done. Yet every time she started writing, she remembered Ty’s touch, his kiss, the tender way he’d held her. Almost as if he—loved her?

Get a grip.

Was she so needy that she couldn’t accept friendship for what it was?

Focus.

Cassidy grabbed another sheet of paper. If she was going to make it to church this morning, and she was, she had to finish. The study in Hosea had cleared her thinking about God. Not that she understood why her father had done it. She didn’t.

But she now realized she had to accept that God loved her, that He would do what was right. Her job was to trust.

Dear Dad:

She poured her heart onto the page without holding back. If it hurt him to hear, she was sorry. But Ty was right. She couldn’t keep pushing everything down. It was time to get rid of the past and move on.

Cassidy felt almost empty as she wrote
I forgive you
—as if a giant weight had been lifted away. It was over. The needy little girl who cried for her father’s love was all grown-up.

But Cassidy couldn’t quite suppress the fear as she signed her name. She’d bared her soul, told her father about the dream he’d ruined, explained that she still intended to make her dream of owning a restaurant come true.

What if he tried to sabotage that, too?

The doorbell rang. She stuffed the letter under her notepad to mail later. Then she grabbed her jacket and her bag and hurried to open the door to Ty.

“Hi.” She couldn’t stop smiling at him.

“Hi, yourself.” He held her jacket so she could slip her arms into the sleeves. His eyes widened as she straightened her narrow skirt and he caught a glimpse of her new sandals. “Wow!”

She giggled, curtsied. “I’ll take that as a good wow.”

“You should. You look great.”

“Thanks. Shall we go?”

“Yes.” He waited till she’d locked the door then guided her to his car with a hand against her waist.

Cassidy blushed at the burst of joy she felt at his touch.

“Hey, Cassidy. You look hot.”

“Hot?” She frowned, checked her face in the visor mirror and caught Jack’s grin. “Oh, thank you. What’s with all the books?” A stack of texts littered the backseat.

“Science paper. It’s due before Easter. I forgot to take them in.”

“Easter’s only a couple of weeks away.” Cassidy couldn’t stop staring at Ty’s long, capable fingers as they gripped the wheel. A few days ago, that same hand had cupped her cheek. If she closed her eyes, she could still feel his touch.

“Are you listening, Cassidy?”

She jerked back to reality and Jack’s voice.

“So me and the guys have to come up with something by tomorrow.”

“Any ideas?” Ty asked Jack, shooting her a knowing smile.

“None.” The boy flopped against the backseat, arms crossed over his chest. “Science isn’t my favorite subject.”

“Then it’s lucky for you that you have an uncle who’s pretty knowledgeable in that area.”

Ty frowned at her. “Me?”

“Uncle Ty? What does he know?”

“Quite a lot, as it happens. Especially about astronomy.” She ignored Ty’s shaking head. “Maybe if you asked him nicely he could help you out with your project.”

“I’m not sure—”

“I’ll have to ask the guys.”

At least Jack hadn’t said no. Nor had Ty. Yet.

The little church was not like the big cathedrals Cassidy had toured in Paris. It was like the church she’d gone to as a child. There was nothing stately or elegant about the shabby woodwork with its dents and marks. Nothing finely crafted about the plain wooden pews or the rough-hewn pulpit. But the people were delightful. Some of them were familiar faces she’d become acquainted with at the Haven, some she’d met during the Bible study on Hosea. Most of the grinning faces made her feel at home.

Jack joined the band, happily strumming his bass as everyone sang. The drummer was too fast and the pianist hit many wrong notes, but nothing seemed out of tune.

Instead, joyful voices rose in praise and put the focus right back where it should be, on worshipping God. For the first time in many years, Cassidy was able to open her heart and feel that touch of love fill every needy crevice, mending the hurts until she felt whole and strong. And loved.

The service came to an end too soon.

“You look as if you enjoyed yourself,” Ty commented, sliding his hand over hers when they exited into the foyer. “You’re a beautiful woman, Cassidy.”

“Hey, Cass.” Davis’s big, beefy arms wrapped her in a bone-crushing hug. “Good to see you here. It’s about time.”

“Hi, Davis.” She returned his hug, then greeted his wife and children.

Ty declined Davis’s invitation for lunch, then, holding Cassidy’s hand, he led her outside, into the sunshine. She didn’t mind a bit.

“You told him we had other plans. Do you mind sharing what those plans are?”

His blue eyes sparkled beneath the hank of unruly hair that flopped over his brow.

“An afternoon at the Adler Planetarium.” He nodded toward Jack, who was loping toward them, his guitar case banging against his knee. “After all, aren’t you the one who said I should help Jack with his science paper?”

“I thought it would be a great opportunity for the two of you to do something together, and for him to see a different side of you.”

“That I’m not such a dud after all, you mean.”

“I’ve never thought you were that, Ty.” She tried not to grin with delight when he slid her arm through his and led her toward the car. “You and Jack need to meet on some common ground that has nothing to do with the Haven. Astronomy could be it.”

“Did you hear me playing, Cassidy?” Jack’s expectant gaze sought hers.

“I sure did. You’re fantastic. I expect to hear you on the next karaoke night, Jack.”

“Really?” A smile pushed away his usual grumpy look.

“Really. Now what would you say to a hamburger and fries—my treat?”

“Hello, hamburger and fries.” He hooted with laughter at their groans and climbed into the car.

Ty held the car door for Cassidy as he explained his idea for the afternoon. “Does that fit your plans, Jack?”

“I guess I could go.”

Ty closed Cassidy’s door, walked around the car and climbed inside without saying a word. But he tilted an eyebrow at her when Jack began talking about the red planet.

“Thanks,” he mouthed silently.

She blushed, and returned Ty’s smile.

Jack peppered Ty with questions during lunch, then bounded into the planetarium with the most enthusiasm Cassidy had seen in weeks.

She couldn’t help feeling a sense of pride as the two heads, one a sandy brown, one darker, shaggier, bent together in animated discussion as they toured the exhibits. Jack and Ty had finally connected and it was obvious Ty was enjoying his nephew.

“We’ve got just enough time to see the last show in the star theater,” she told them.

The room had filled up quickly and they couldn’t find three seats together, so Jack sat across the room, leaving Ty and Cassidy to sit together.

“I’d say you’ve had a great afternoon.”

He snuggled her hand in his. “Thanks to you.”

“I didn’t do anything.”

“Right.” He studied her, his gaze probing, intense.

Cassidy returned the look, her heart singing as she realized she loved him. For the first time she was finally able to love and trust someone. But not just anyone. Ty. He’d been honest with her. He didn’t steal or lie. He was worthy of loving.

He was a man her heart could cling to and never be disappointed.

But did he love her?

The lights dimmed, the show began. Cassidy heard every word, but she couldn’t concentrate. She was too aware of Ty next to her, holding her hand. Perhaps that’s why she knew the moment something went wrong.

In the blackened room, a blast of sound vibrated against the floor. Then a glittering white explosion flashed above them. But Ty wasn’t watching it. His eyes were tightly closed, his lips clamped together. He didn’t make a sound but his hand tightened painfully around hers; his body stiffened.

“It’s okay, Ty. It’s Cassidy. You’re not there, you’re here with me,” she whispered in his ear, sliding her free hand up his cheek, to cup her palm’s warmth against it, hoping to draw him out of the flashback. “It’s just a show. Everything is fine.”

She kept whispering, though some of the other patrons tossed her an inquisitive look.

“Relax now. Breathe.”

He didn’t say anything or open his eyes, but the slowing rise and fall of his chest reassured her that he’d heard. She kept touching him, kept steady contact with the warmth of her hand against his icy face until at last the lights went up and the theater emptied.

His pasty gray face worried her, but not as much as the tremble in his fingers.

Ty rose but drew immediately away from her, waiting as she exited in front of him from the row, from the room.

“That was awesome.” Jack’s grin faded a little when he caught sight of his uncle’s face. He glanced her way, opened his mouth to say something but quickly closed it when Cassidy shook her head.

“Maybe you should take a look in the gift shop,” she suggested. “Ty and I can have a coffee while we wait.”

“Okay.”

They set a time and place to meet. Jack hurried off to shop. Cassidy purchased two cups of coffee, then led Ty to a seat behind the famous sundial on the northern lawn, overlooking Chicago’s lakefront.

“Have a seat.”

Ty sat on the grass, accepted and sipped the dark brew, but remained silent.

“Are you all right?” she asked at last.

“Fine. Sorry to embarrass you like that.”

“You didn’t embarrass me.”

“Right.” He’d closed himself off, blockaded the warm, generous man she’d come to know behind an icy mask.

“What’s wrong?”

“My life, that’s what’s wrong.” He drained his cup, set it on the grass, then leaned back on his elbows, studying the glittering water in front of them for a long time before twisting his head to study her. “I’ve been praying for healing for such a long time.”

“Healing from the—attacks?”

“If that’s what you want to call them.” A tinge of bitterness colored his words. “I’m beginning to wonder if I’ll ever be free of these nightmares.”

“Don’t give up, Ty.” She slipped off her jacket to let the water’s breeze cool her. “Sometimes healing takes a long time, but it’s always in God’s time.”

He frowned, then held his hand over his eyes to shade them, as if he needed a better look at her. Cassidy blushed.

“I know it sounds strange to hear me put healing and God in the same sentence, but that’s how I feel, healed. Free.” She plucked a blade of grass, twizzled it against his neck. “I don’t think I’ll ever be truly able to forget my past or trust my father again, and I know there will be moments when I slip back into my old way of thinking, but I forgive him.”

“Oh, Cassidy. I’m so glad for you.”

“Writing it down was the turning point, I think. Putting everything on paper—” She glanced at him. “How did you know?”

“I didn’t. Just a guess.”

“I doubt that. Or if so, it was a very astute one. Very therapeutic, too.” Cassidy let the sandal dangling from her toe slip off onto the grass. “It was great at first. I twisted the tap and all the venom came spouting out.”

“Toward your father?”

“Dad and God, both. I’d been bottling so much up. But each time I’d try to finish the letter, I’d end up rewriting it. Some of the things I put on paper were really awful, hateful things. I saw myself in a new light. It wasn’t pretty.”

“What do you mean?”

“I had my plan all worked out. When I’d saved the money, bought the ticket, was ready to go, my plan was coming together.”

“And then it didn’t.”

“Yes.” Her stomach lurched but Cassidy refused to dwell on it. The past was over. “I was furious that the God of the universe hadn’t followed my plan. Who did He think He was, anyway?”

Ty chuckled.

“When I think about it now, I see myself utterly consumed with my own importance. I got so far off the track, so self-centered.” Cassidy winced. “It’s no wonder I thought God had abandoned me. There was no room for Him in my life.”

Ty gazed out across the water, wearing the troubled look she’d seen so often.

“I thought counseling was what I was supposed to do,” he murmured, when the silence had become unbearable. “People told me I was good at it. I certainly enjoyed it and thought God was using me over there.”

“What makes you think He wasn’t?”

He twisted to glare at her, fingertips messing up his hair in an act of pure frustration.

“I caused three men’s deaths.”

“Did you?” She frowned. “I thought an incendiary device did that.”

“Yes, but I feel responsible.”

“How you feel doesn’t mean it’s the truth.” She held out her finger, hoping the butterfly that had been circling them would land. “I’ve learned feelings fluctuate wildly.”

Ty’s eyebrows rose. An explosive heat moved up Cassidy’s neck and scorched her cheeks. She ducked her head, but refused to back down.

“Believe me, if it seems strange to hear me talk this way, it feels even stranger to say it. But it doesn’t change the truth. God is who He is—omnipotent. That means He’s in charge. You’re not.” She lifted her head, met his stare. “Something bad happened. And it bothers you. But that doesn’t mean you stop doing what you’re supposed to.”

“Which is?”

The words flowed out without conscious thought. It was her heart speaking.

“You’re a natural counselor, Ty. You don’t bully, you don’t even press very hard, but you do have a way of getting people to face their own personal truths, to challenge their validity and to move past them.” She touched his shoulder. “That’s a gift. It might be hard for you to use it right now, but that doesn’t mean you should stop. Those people who come to see you at the Haven need you.”