Heaven or Hell (27 page)

“Where did it come from?” David laughed and looked at the other boys.

Angel felt heat in her face, and her head pounded. The second grader was consumed with self-blame over the drama in the classroom, and in that moment Angel experienced exactly what Angela, her younger self, had gone through.

In the classroom, Angela cowered in the farthest corner from the windows, behind the rest of the kids. She dared not tell the teacher or anyone else how that bee had gotten in the room, for fear that she would be punished. It disturbed Angel now to know the boys had gotten away with such meanness, and how distraught it had made the young Angela. She wished the girl could have handled it differently.

Mrs. Kennedy pushed open the window and shooed the bee outside. “Okay, it’s gone. Everyone, back to your seats …”

When the kids moved slowly to their seats, Angela was the last child to be seated. As Angel witnessed this incident, she was overcome by the loneliness Angela felt. She remembered Angela choosing to be isolated from the rest, even though some of the kids tried to be friends with her. She was so insecure and shy that she preferred to remain alone. At home and with her sister, Angela was happy; at school with the other kids her age, she was a mess.

When she turned around, Angel realized she was back in the hospital. Strange, since she wasn’t thinking about the hospital at all but had focused on her life as Angela. The busy sounds of the hospital were gone, however—in fact the entire building appeared to be vacant. Angel poked her head through the door to her dad’s room. He was gone, but an imprint remained in the bed.

Moving quickly down the hall, she caught up with the male figure that was a younger, healthier version of her dad. Angel walked next to him and spoke to the right of him, “Dad, I remember it all now!”

Joe turned his head to the right and looked through her, yet he acted almost as if he actually saw something. Angel moved forward and to his left. “Dad, can you see me?”

Oh no. Her insides began to turn. Whatever he was experiencing, Angel wasn’t a part of it. The situation was identical to her daily dealings with Teresa. Angel could see him but he couldn’t see her.

While she followed her father, Angel whispered to herself, “This can’t be happening.”

Her dad picked up the phone at the nurses’ station and then put the phone back down. He moved downstairs to the lobby and sat down in the empty waiting room. Angel sat next to him for a few moments and soon she found herself drawn to the front doors.

She moved through the exit to the hospital, and her dad followed. Angel believed her father couldn’t see her, but for some reason he was following her. So at this point, she knew staying with him was important. She felt this in the core of her being—Angel must not lose her dad again.

She watched as her father encountered a man and learned this man was the General—the person they’d looked for on Skid Row. The two men went to a place called The Café, and Angel sat down at their table in an empty seat. As the man named Flavio approached the table, Angel was transported back in time—to the accident.

She sat in the front seat of the car, as Angela, her younger self—and was totally astonished at the sight of a carefree Teresa. Her sister seemed like an entirely different person, easygoing and in spite of their mother’s illness, happy. The essence of this young woman was completely unlike that of the Teresa of today.

“Hand me that cassette, Ang. I want to listen to Abba. Oh never mind, I’ll get it.” As Teresa leaned over, the steering wheel shifted to the right and the car swerved. “Oops.”

Teresa sat up and corrected the movement, pushing the steering to the left when a loud popping noise filled the air. A blowout caused the car to swerve over the line. The sound of a car honk followed, and Angel noticed her seat belt wasn’t fastened—in fact, neither girl’s seat belt was buckled.

At the moment of impact, a metal-on-metal crunch sound filled Angel’s ears. The car rolled a few times, and Angel remained inside going through the accident as it happened. Her foot hit the radio dial causing the volume to rise, and by the second roll, the passenger door opened. Angela’s body was thrown from the car. She landed on the ground with a broken neck—a quick, painless death.

Angel moved freely now, still at the scene of the accident, but away from Angela’s body. She went to the car, which had landed in an upright position. Teresa was semiconscious in the driver’s seat when Angel approached.

“Oh, good, you’re okay,” Teresa said. “I think I hurt my leg.”

“Don’t touch anything. Help is on the way,” Angel said.

Angel stepped away from the car and noticed the driver of the other car approach her sister’s vehicle. But then he suddenly backed off at the sound of sirens. A few cars had stopped at the side of the road, and the drivers of these vehicles were also approaching the wrecked car. Nobody noticed the man, who was Flavio, slip away. Angel stood at the edge of the road and watched in silence as Flavio’s car slowly backed away from the accident and disappeared around the corner.

Angel then saw and understood the aftermath of the accident for the first time. Everything, both spoken and unspoken, came to her clearly now.

Within seconds, the paramedics and police were all over the accident scene. Teresa, who’d gone in and out of consciousness, swore to the police that her sister was up and walking around outside her car door. The police, concerned over her injuries and her young age, didn’t want to tell her that her sister had died on impact. And as was typical during this time in their lives, the police couldn’t reach her father.

When Teresa told the police about her mother’s illness and suggested they call her aunt, that’s exactly what they did. And so it was Aunt Jessie who broke the news of Angela’s death to Teresa the next day at the hospital. Then Aunt Jessie hunted Joe down with sheer determination and got him to
somewhat
sober up for his daughter’s funeral.

Angel, watching it all, saw her father go over the deep end after the funeral, so much so, it seemed as if he’d be lost forever. She was glad she knew the end of this story, and that eventually the man would pull himself out of this downward spiral and be able to make some difference in the world.

When Angel focused on her mother, she could clearly see how Angela’s death took the wind out of her mother’s attempt to stay alive as long as possible—which was really the only choice with the stage of her pancreatic cancer. Her mother gave in to the disease the moment she found out about the death of her youngest daughter. Perhaps it was her desire to be with her daughter and protect her, or maybe it was simply destiny. But within days, her mother also had passed away.

Angel shook her head and found herself sitting in the vacant cafe next to her father. She stood up and moved toward the door, her father following behind. Angel knew he wasn’t aware she was in front of him.

Her heart ached over the wasted time she’d stubbornly spent in the clouds. Finally, knowing fully who she was, Angela, and who she’d become, Angel—she realized it was time to leave her own personal hell of isolation and join her mother. With or without her father, she was ready. She just didn’t know how.

CHAPTER 25
 

AS MUCH AS SHE RESENTED HER father for leaving her years ago, she resented him even more for leaving her an orphan now.

“He seemed okay last night,” Teresa mumbled. She stood outside her father’s hospital room with JJ and her aunt.

“He seemed okay an hour ago when he was talking to me,” Aunt Jessie said.

“Why don’t you go in and say good-bye to him, Mom?” JJ nudged Teresa toward the door.

That was okay with Teresa, who needed someone to tell her what to do now. The whole scene felt dreamlike as her hand pushed open the door and she entered the room. A dead room without the energy of her father, whose presence—she thought—had been larger than life. The man was completely gone, and it was odd for her to feel this and then acknowledge it. Teresa rarely tuned into anything of a spiritual nature. Feelings and sensitivities were just not a part of her daily life. But for some reason she was in tune today, and now the room seemed as if the energy present the day before had simply vanished.

As quickly as she entered through the door, she exited.

“He’s not here,” she said.

JJ stepped in the doorway and pointed to the bed. “Mom, he’s right there.”

“No, that’s his body and nothing more.” Teresa moved toward the long hallway. “I need some air.”

As she walked quickly past the other patient rooms, she could hear her son and aunt following closely behind, as well as an additional set of footsteps that seemed to walk in time with them, probably the priest. She led them down the stairs and through the back doors to the outside, where she looked up at the sky.

In her heart she hoped to see her sister and father floating along with her mother in the clouds, but she knew better. Ominous dark cumulus filled the heavens above, which seemed to enhance the depressed, sinking feeling that was taking over her body. She’d wanted to stay away from her father to avoid this effect, but now she realized it would’ve happened anyway. Teresa turned to her son and asked, “Where’s the priest?”

JJ and Aunt Jessie looked back at the door and spoke in unison, “I thought he was behind us.”

“I heard it too,” Teresa said.

Goosebumps broke out over Teresa arms.
Maybe Dad was following us,
she said to herself. Then she shook off the idea, telling herself that her dad’s craziness was rubbing off on her. Yet in some odd way, although she’d never have wished for her sister to be stuck someplace for years, she hoped her father’s story was true. The thought of her family being around was something she could easily warm up to. Perhaps because she’d pushed away the memories for so many years, she’d almost forgotten the better moments of her youth.

“It’s cold out here, Teresa. Let’s go back inside,” Aunt Jessie said.

Teresa allowed her aunt to lead her into the hospital and back up the stairs to a seat near the nurses’ station, not far from her father’s room. JJ sat with Teresa while Aunt Jessie spoke to the hospital staff on the topic of Joe’s remains. Teresa settled back and let it happen. Not a normal line of reaction from her. In time, she thought, she’d have a vague recollection of the day her dad died and she’d wonder if she was actually there. Because right now she felt as if she was
not
in this moment, quietly witnessing the finality of her father’s life.

“Okay.” Aunt Jessie approached her. “It’s already been taken care of. We don’t even need to make a phone call. Joe will be moved to Fulton’s Funeral Home. No autopsy because of the nature of his demise.”

“So, it’s done, then?” Teresa asked.

“Yes, let’s go,” Aunt Jessie answered.

Teresa hesitated for a few minutes, unsure of how to feel and what to do next. Then slowly she headed toward the front of the hospital with JJ and her Aunt Jessie following behind. They walked to the parking lot.

“What now?” Teresa asked. “Do we return to what we were doing before he reentered our lives? Can we ignore that he came back?”

“I’m going to call Uncle Joe and a few others when Father Benjamin calls me with the exact time and date of the viewing. Why don’t you come to my house so we can figure this out?” Jessie responded.

Teresa shook her head. “Thank you, Auntie, but I’ve got some work to do.”

Teresa and JJ left the hospital and drove in silence for a while. She drove past the exits for JJ’s school, the house, and her work before JJ spoke.

“Mom, where are we going?” he asked.

“Huh? Oh, I don’t know.” She felt as if she’d fallen asleep. Teresa couldn’t remember any inch of the route she’d just driven.

She got off the freeway and turned around with the intention of going home and crawling into bed. Her mind wandered back to a time before her mother’s illness. Angela, Teresa, and her mother were in the kitchen. Teresa had just gotten home from school and was looking in the refrigerator when she overheard her mother talking to Angela.

“It’s hard being young,” her mother said.

“It doesn’t seem hard for Teresa,” Angela responded.

“Well, she’s older than you, honey.” Mom bent down and rubbed a spot on Angela’s forehead.

“I don’t like them. I’m not going back,” Angela whined.

Mom spoke in a softer tone. “Do you want me to call the school? Because you’re going to have to go back. You need an education, honey.”

Teresa shut the refrigerator door hard and reopened it.

“Oh, dear, I didn’t know you were home,” Mom yelled from the living room.

“I just got here,” Teresa said.

Teresa had completely forgotten about what a hard time Angela had in school and how much her parents tried to protect the girl. When it was happening, Teresa didn’t care a lot; she’d been a social butterfly and didn’t want the burden of her little sister. Now, as a parent she completely understood Angela’s situation, and wished she’d done more to help her sister while she could’ve. Children tended to behave inhumanely toward each other at times.

She shook her head and realized she’d daydreamed the entire way home. Teresa was no longer surprised over the memories of her family; she found it impossible to get away from the past now, anyway—and it really wasn’t so bad anymore.

“Do you want to go to school late today?” Teresa asked JJ as they parked in front of the house.

“Are you kidding? No, not if I can intentionally avoid it,” JJ answered.

“Compliments of Joe. Here we are.” She waved her hand toward the house.

As Teresa gathered together her business items, she noticed a few missed calls on her phone. A message from the school—the police were there looking for her and JJ. And then the police, who must have obtained her cell phone number from the school, would like a return call.

She began to realize this problem of JJ’s wasn’t going to go away on its own. Her body ached with her heart, and she feared JJ’s situation was much worse then he’d let on. Perhaps it was this fear that had fueled her denial of any juvenile delinquency issue with her son. Teresa put her phone in her pocket and yelled to JJ.