Heavenly Lover (14 page)

“No! Surely there are more choices than that,” Claire pleaded.

Angela shrugged. “Maybe I will know what to do when the situation arrives. Maybe I just need to trust in our training … One thing I know for sure, Claire. Don’t appear to him in his dreams. Please don’t do what I did.”

Chapter 15

After sunset, Claire looked into Daniel’s living room through the large picture window. He was drawing, fully engaged.

Good.

She willed entry just inside his front door, staying invisible. She resisted the temptation to watch him paint.

Not wise. I need to be in control.

Don’t do what I did.
Angela’s words stuck with Claire. She couldn’t put Daniel’s life in jeopardy. But the truth was glaring: she was falling in love with him.

He had already completed three other pictures that were drying by the fireplace. The white papers curled slightly from the heat. He stood as he worked, the table adjusted to counter height. His head moved from side to side so he could look at the shapes and colors at different angles. First right, then left, then at a distance. He leaned forward and was working on a delicate part, his face not more than a couple of inches from the paper. His fourth finger on his right hand was working in a beautiful color of dusty rose. Claire resisted the temptation to place her head next to the paper so she could feel his breath on her face.

The roses were in a clear vase on the dining table. She thought them an odd color for a man to buy, but she recalled how these had been the most fragrant—almost spicy. She looked over at the fireplace, now lit and without a trace of that awful scene. He had put a new area rug over the stains on the light brown carpet. The walls were re-patched and painted, courtesy of the crew he’d hired last week. This actually was a very pleasant room, she thought.

He had put on a Gregorian chant. Another strange choice. Apparently satisfied with the results of his painting, he picked up his glass of wine and went over to the overstuffed chair and collapsed in it, holding his wine by his fingertips around the top of the glass.

He appeared deep in thought, as if searching out answers in the flames that lived there. The cream color of his flannel shirt seemed to soak the warmth. Yellow light from the fireplace reflected from the deep pools of his dark brown eyes. The soft shirt raised and lowered with his breathing. The wine stained his lips. She watched as he sipped the red liquid, swirled it, and then swallowed sensually.

The movement of his throat all the way down to where the black hair from his chest appeared just above the unbuttoned top of his shirt enchanted her. Fingers on his hand tapped the upholstery along with the music of the chant. His shirttails were out, and his long lean body ended in black stocking-clad feet crossed at the ankles.

Claire wanted to see what was left on the easel. She eased forward to get a good look, and her cheeks turned flaming red when she stared down at an incredible likeness of her own face staring back at her from the paper. Her whole body shook. He had remembered every detail, along with the intricate embroidery pattern on her gown. She looked at the painting again. Her short golden hair framed her pale face and blue eyes like there was a light shining just behind her.

Claire saw an emotional connection there. The painting made her eyes well up. Her angel heart was beating so loud she was sure he must be able to hear it. He had seen her before. Could he feel her presence now? She thought not.

Her eyes darted over to the paintings now completely dry in front of the fire. One was a side view of her bending down to smell the pink roses at the market. It showed the delicate detail of the hairline at the edge of her face, the smaller unruly hairs that resided there. He had framed the way she touched things with the shape of her hand. This was a picture from today, she realized. The roses on the dining room table were the ones she had touched and smelled at the market.

The painting to the right of this one was also a scene from the Farmer’s Market. It was a frontal view of her inhaling the pungent scent of a large pink grapefruit. Her eyes were closed.

He was watching me long before he saw me at the wind chimes!

The last one was a dark picture. She squinted to see what it was, and after some seconds realized it was a drawing of the inside of the planetarium. He was sitting in one of the cushioned seats, and behind him, was a golden image of Claire leaning forward, close to the back of his head. She hadn’t been paying attention, as she’d been so wrapped up in the smell of his hair. How had he seen her?

What is going on?

She thought about her conversation with Angela this afternoon again. She’d been bold enough to ask Angie, “So, what is it like, loving a human? I mean, having him love you back?”

Angela had sighed and closed her eyes. She’d taken a minute before she responded.

“Better than anything I have ever experienced in Heaven.”

Chapter 16

Daniel walked through the front door, dropping keys in the brown wicker basket on the stand, interrupting Claire, who’d been reading
Warrior of the Highlands
. She loved him in the azure blue shirt he wore today. It contrasted with the tanned skin of his face and neck. His long, strong neck disappeared into the top of his shirt as he turned his head.

His portfolio case strap slipped down his arm as he leaned the thin black bag against the stand. He sighed. He had not shaved yet, so his stubble was thick and blue-black. Claire thought maybe she’d get lucky tonight. Other than watching him paint, watching him shave was her most favorite thing.

Now so familiar with his patterns, Claire knew that after showering he’d either get ready for bed, or go out. That meant no more reading, for now. She could leave the book next to the table with the book clip light attached, as both these things had arrived with her from Heaven; they would stay invisible.

Daniel unbuttoned the blue cotton shirt as he mounted the stairs to his bedroom. Claire then heard his belt buckle signal its release. She pretended this strip tease was meant for her eyes, so she sat back in the overstuffed chair and enjoyed the view. But when she spotted him completely naked at the top of the stairs, headed for the bedroom with his clothes over one arm, she bolted up the steps three at a time to stand behind him.

She had seen naked men before many times. But not like Daniel. Her skin felt pulled in his direction.

The tips of his black hair lightly kissed his smooth broad shoulders. She watched the muscles in his lower back move in rhythm as he leaned down to put the clothes in the wooden hamper. Almost a foot behind him, she could not miss the warm male scent of him. She closed her eyes and let his aroma overtake her.

He heated up the shower water, waiting a few seconds before stepping into the tub and pulling back the curtain. It didn’t take long for Claire to smell the shower gel he bought at the farmer’s market.
Lavender and grapefruit, hmmm.

She felt drawn to the curtain, though she knew it was unwise. She removed her white angel gown with the seed pearls and gold embroidery, placing it carefully, invisibly, over his towel on the bar. After inhaling once more the soapy scent, she willed herself through the curtain and stood behind his beautiful body.

He was just too perfect. Too beautiful. She ached to touch him, but was not ready to break this rule, which would separate them forever. She couldn’t bear the thought of not being in his presence, limited as it was.

Claire noticed her nipples grew hard and knotted into little nubs. There was a glowing that started at her belly button and extended down to a place between her legs she did not know existed before. But from her books, she knew this was a full-on arousal. Another first. Another gift.

Her arousal made her curious. So she put her hands up to the backs of his shoulders, keeping a very small distance from his flesh. She could feel the warmth of his skin below her fingertips, but did not touch. Carefully she laid a cheek against the airspace at his upper back. She let his warmth come into her body as she melted in its deliciousness.

But then something amazing happened.

He started, and then slowly turned around to face her, looking through the steam as if trying to focus on something.

He senses me.

Caution would have told her to withdraw immediately, but she was too curious about this human experience. She stepped back slightly as she noticed his full erection.

How can this be? He couldn’t even see her! She knew his active imagination had conjured up a picture he obviously liked very much.

She raised her palms to his chest and felt the warmth again. His dark brown nipples contracted when her fingers laced the air above them. His brown eyes with the long silky lashes were wide, searching the steam.

He’s looking for me.

He parted his lips and licked them, leaving them open for her. She couldn’t stop herself from rising to touch the air space close to his face, then down to brush her lips over his luscious mouth. She wished his lips could kiss her right now. Her heart was pounding. She couldn’t take any more. She dropped her hands to her sides.

He slowly closed his eyes and his hands came up to where her face was. He stopped just short, and pressed his thumbs against the air next to her lips, his fingers under where her jaw would be. She parted her lips for fingers that could not touch her.

He feels my heat. He knows I am here.

He began to bend to her mouth. Lips on lips that would not really touch. She held her breath.

There was an instant where she thought her body was going to override her invisibility control. This scared her. She immediately willed herself out of the shower and stood watching the curtain, breathing heavily.

Close. Too close.

Daniel whipped aside the curtain and searched the steamy little room as if looking for evidence of her, and then turned off the shower.

When he grabbed his towel, Claire hoped some part of his clean scent would remain on her white gown, which had rested there. This would leave something for later while she was alone. He placed the towel around his thin waistline as her gown sank to the floor, invisible to his eyes. Claire quickly pulled it over her head and stood at Daniel’s side. He looked into the mirror as he combed his hair.

He pulled out his lime cologne and dabbed his cheeks. Did she see a little crooked smile on those lips? Was there a twinkle to the side of his eye? What was this new behavior? Claire almost went into orbit.

He’s playing with me. He knows I’m here.

Uh oh.

She realized what she had done. This would be hard to explain. All this was new territory for her. But it was such an attractive fantasy, Claire couldn’t help but follow him into the bedroom as he pulled back the covers of his bed, dropped his towel and stretched his long lanky frame into the bedding.

His torso with the dusting of black hair at his upper chest was propped against the headboard and blue pillows. He had a smile on his face, but his eyes were serious, half lidded.

What does this mean?

And then he said the words she never thought she would hear in all her years as a Guardian. He stretched his massive arms out at his sides and whispered, “Come to me, Angel.”

Chapter 17

In all of Claire’s years as a Guardian, none of her charges had asked for her to appear. None of them had known she existed, even though she had some close calls. But then, she hadn’t showered with any of them either, like she had with Daniel. She’d never been attracted to the look of their skin, their scent; she hadn’t found the sound of their voice intoxicating. She didn’t long to sit by the hour and watch what they did. She used her dream interventions to get the job done efficiently. With Daniel, she wanted to have a relationship. And this was new, and very dangerous.

She’d appeared in her charge’s dreams, sure, but not so they knew it. If she appeared in Daniel’s dream tonight, he would know her. Things would ever after be altered.

And Claire knew she was going to do it. There wasn’t a question in her mind. She knew appearing to him was wrong, but would anyway.

What would the consequences be?

She shuddered. The doorway was opened, and she was going to walk right through. She hoped that somehow Father would find a way to understand. Maybe he would see this as a different kind of love, one worthy of a pardon.

Part of her wanted to hold his soul in her small hands, protecting him forever. Wanted to lay her head on his chest and have him know she heard his heart beating there. Wanted his arms to wrap around her waist and hold her tight, as if she was human.

But Claire would never be real. He could see her in a dream, but not touch her skin. They could touch only if she appeared in human form outside the dream, but this could get her tossed from the Guardianship forever.

She felt energy emanating from her expanded heart, beating wild and free. The look of him, and the knowledge he wanted to be with her brought sweet sensations all over her body. It stimulated places she had not known existed.

Rubbing her index and third fingers with the thumbs on both hands, Claire created dust that sparkled as it fell to his chest. He angled his head and his eyes widened when he saw the dust falling around him. As the sparkles fell, she blew her dust into his eyes. They closed. It was the first time ever her charge had seen the dust coming.

It feels so natural to do this.

Daniel’s chest rhythmically rose and fell while he accepted and inhaled fully the scent of her breath, laced with her dust.

It used to take several minutes before he would enter the dream state, but of late, his motivation had been keen to get there right away. Tonight was no exception. Claire wondered where he would choose to begin this encounter, in light of the sexual overtones of the shower.

Let him show me first.
She could always adjust, if necessary. Claire felt excited and impatient, waiting for something to show itself on his screen, like waiting for the film to begin in a dark movie theater. Waiting, like a young girl searching for the sight of her lover in a crowd. This was going to be something special. This dream was going to go where others had not before.
For both of us.

Claire wasn’t surprised to find the dream begin on his bed, but instead of his bedroom, he had positioned it in front of the fireplace in his living room. She blushed at the thought he expected a night of passion, and it tickled her. Yet, as wonderful as the thought was, she knew it would have to be the first thing she adjusted in the dream, as this could interfere with her job. It was also very dangerous.

In dream state, Daniel opened his eyes and beheld Claire sitting on the bed next to him. He immediately reached out to touch her face, but his hands went right through her image. Disappointment spread across his eyes. His brow furrowed.

“We won’t be able to touch each other.” Claire’s voice was soft, watching him explore her. He looked thirsty. “But we can talk,” she added.

“It’s you.” His face showed surprise.

Does he remember me from the farmer’s market
? Claire lowered her eyes.
Perhaps I am blushing.
She did not want to reveal too much of the confusion going on inside her. Her heart pounded in her ears at the sight of him examining her all over.

“I’ve seen you before. Or I’ve seen glimpses of you. You wear white, just like now, don’t you?”

“Yes, Daniel.”

“What do I call you?”

“Claire.”

“Claire,” he murmured.

How wonderful that sounds.
She would remember this forever.

Recognition hit his face, “Like on the paper that night. You wrote your name on the paper.”

“Yes.” Claire blushed and looked down.

“You were there in the room. You put up the crystal.” He scrunched up his eyes. The creases at the sides of his mouth formed and disappeared as he spoke.

“Yes. I stay up in the attic sometimes when you’re not home.”

“Why can I feel some things here? The fire. The bed. I feel the air around me, my skin.” He rubbed his own fingertips together. “But I can’t touch you?” He reached forward again to take her hand, but moved right through it like it was a hologram.

“We’re in the dream state. I don’t fully control it. I can help you see things. Some images you direct, some I do. You probably feel like we’re here, but we are not real right now.” She sighed. “I mean I’m never real, but right now neither are you. This is a dream.”

Claire watched him grapple with the idea. She could see he was having difficulty understanding any of it.

His chest was bare, since he had shown up in his dream just as he went to sleep, completely naked, legs covered by his bedcovers. Though she had seen him so many times, she admired anew the smooth tanned skin and muscles underneath, the sinews and smaller muscles at the base of his neck, and the way his full lips had moved when he’d spoken. She gazed at the shallow furrows between his eyes beneath his wide forehead. He seemed to look right into her angel soul, like he knew every part of her.

Was he seeing in her a masterpiece? Was he inspired? Did her face bring to him the joy his brought to her? Was it possible there was a place in Heaven or Earth where this relationship without touch could be allowed to flourish? Maybe that could be enough…

She showed him the image of what his real body was doing, sleeping soundly, stars in the distance shining through the window above the bed. The hologram played a few feet in front of his seated frame. In it, his arms were outstretched just as he had left them when he’d said, “Come to me, Angel.”

But his eyes were closed and he was obviously asleep.

“This is what’s real,” she said as she looked from the image back to his face.

How many times had she traced the line from the top of his forehead along the curly hairs at the sides of his face, down in front of his ears with the twin creases there, down the long neck to the beginning of his substantial chest?

He turned to face her, just a few inches away. She was not afraid to show the devotion she felt inside. For the first time in her angel life, she wanted a human to recognize her feelings. She wanted him to see her for who she was.

“I have questions,” he started, then paused.

How like him, wanting to know how things worked, what the medium was. “Go ahead,” she whispered, feeling timid.

“Why are you here? Who sent you?”

“You know who sent me. I am your Guardian angel, Daniel.” She saw he was still puzzled, so she added, “I was sent to save your life. You remember, the night you…” She cleared her throat, then started again. “I was the one who pushed the fire alarm. That night I intervened on your behalf. But tonight, I am part of your imagination, your dream.”

“No. Impossible. You are real to me.”

“But not real. Not real …” she repeated.

“Am I dead?”

She laughed. “Noooo. What a silly question!”

“Will you be with me forever?”

“No.”

“How long?”

She paused before speaking. Best to tell him the truth. “Until my work is done.”

“When will that be?”

“I don’t know that. It depends on you.”

“What can I do to keep you here?”

“Nothing. I’m not real, remember?” A tightness grew in her chest. She sucked in air.

“Why?”

“Father’s rules. Do you make the sunrise, the wind, the fragrance of roses?”

“You brought those back to me, those colors, those smells.”

“Not really, I helped you find them. They were always there. You had just forgotten. They didn’t change. You did. Your inner vision changed.”

“Why?”

She bit her lip, not wanting to remember that black night. “To save you.”

“Save me from what?”

“Death, by your own hand.”

“But we all die. You can save me from death?”

“No, not entirely.” She shook her head. “You will die too, but not for a long time, I hope.”

“Have you died?”

“Yes.”

“So you lived? You were real at one time?”

She nodded.

“But you are not alive now?”

“No, not in the same physical sense as your body.”

“Why? How did you become an angel?”

“I was chosen by Father for this job of Guardian.”

“But you died.”

“Yes, some ten of your years ago, and then I was chosen to be a Guardian. And don’t ask me how that happens, because I have no idea. I interfered with your temporary decision to end your life, but I cannot save you from death.”

“Who decides this?”

“Father.”

“God.”

“We call him Father.”

“Are there other angels?”

Claire’s smile was wide. “Thousands of them. They are all around you, you just didn’t know it.”

“So you take care of other people too.”

“No. I am your angel. Your Guardian angel.”

“Why can’t I touch you?”

“In your dream state you can see me. Touching only occurs in your human state. I can appear in human form, but that is forbidden.”

“Why?”

“It’s just the rule.” She looked into his eyes, and with a bit of hesitation added, “I’m not supposed to appear to you in any form, even dream state. But I’m breaking the rules a bit for you. I wanted to clear up your confusion. I knew you could sense me.”

Claire saw Daniel deep in thought. She knew, under normal human circumstances, he would hold her hand, would put his arm around her. He’d whisper words in her ear, and she would feel his breath on her face. She knew exactly how she would feel as a result. But this was a dream, and these things were not possible.

I have to keep telling myself this.

“Can I command you to do things?” Daniel asked.

“Like what?” She held her breath, felt a little electric current run down the back of her neck.

“Stay.”

“Not possible,” she said with a slight smile to her lips. She liked where this was going, although it was dangerous ground.

“Make love to me,” he said looking at her again with those brown eyes that reached deep into her soul.

“I already love you.” This was true. She added, “An angel’s love is special, different than any other’s. And it never goes away. We live forever. We love forever.”

“Can you love me like a human woman, like the human woman you were?”

Claire had to be careful here. Her feelings for Daniel were already more complicated than she’d ever experienced before.

“I’m not allowed to physically love you. I can only love you like an angel does, in spirit. Is that not enough?” She tilted her head slightly, feeling full of lightness and grace.

“So if you live forever, why can’t you stay as my angel forever?”

“I stay until my work is finished. Father makes that ultimate decision. You are a person of the Real World and I am a person of Heaven. Perhaps someday you will join us there too.”

“Why is it a rule not to touch?”

“So humans will have faith. When you don’t know, it requires more faith. You live here. You can’t live with me. I can’t live with you.” She was surprised by the wave of grief that washed over her when she said this.

“What if I chose to be in dream state twenty-four seven?”

“Then I won’t have saved you, Daniel. That’s escaping reality. You will need to make better choices than that to truly live.”

“So, I can’t touch you. Ever.”

“That’s right.”

“But I can choose to see things in my dreams.”

“Yes, within reason.”

“Show me what we would look like making love.”

This caught her completely off guard. She looked down at her folded hands, embarrassed. She knew in the Real World she would have let him advance on her, kiss her. The constraints she was under made her job very difficult.

“But our relationship isn’t physical. It never will be.” She searched for a reaction from his face and got it.
Is there a little pain in his eyes? Just a little?

“But what about the shower? I felt your presence. I felt … something there. We felt each other, I know we did.”

“I didn’t say it was impossible, just against the rules,” Claire admitted. “I was surprised about the shower too. I’ll have to do a little research on this.”

Daniel opened his arms out to his sides, the strong biceps flexing under his smooth skin. “Research all you want.” He made that crooked grin again. She wanted to touch the little laugh lines at the corners of his eyes. She wanted the strong arms to enclose and encapsulate her small body. But this would not be for today. She sighed.

In the Real World, Claire would never have been able to resist him; he would have had his way with her long ago. She knew with certainty there could be no physicality in the dream state. But she loved lingering in the place where they both experienced that desire.
I want to feel this a little while longer.

“Can I ask you a question?” she asked.

He nodded.

“What did you think I was when you saw me in your dreams?”

He smiled. Now he looked down at his hands folded in front of him. With boldness she did not expect he replied, “You were and are the girl of my dreams. My muse.”

The excitement that coursed through her body took her by surprise. She had trouble breathing. However, the truth of their situation quickly set in. Once again she became aware of the infinite space between them. They were only inches apart, but in reality, worlds apart. Each longed for something the other could not give.