Hell to Heaven (12 page)

‘Now, you have to understand that there is minimal discourse between the Platforms,’ Ma said, waving his latte. ‘Just as the Earthly Plane is the World of Ruin to the Celestial, so the Celestial is considered Ruin to the higher Platforms.’

‘But you move between worlds without difficulty,’ I said. ‘So the residents of the higher Platforms must come down to the Celestial now and then.’

‘That they do. But we never announce ourselves as Immortals when visiting this Plane,’ he said. ‘And most of the Bodhisattvas do the same when they come down to the Celestial.’

‘But it’s different—you aren’t allowed to tell people on the Earthly that you exist,’ I said. ‘Everybody on the Celestial knows that Bodhisattvas exist, and people like Kwan Yin visit you all the time.’

‘There is nothing to stop us from revealing our Immortal nature to those on the Earthly,’ he said. ‘But
you tell someone you’re a Taoist Immortal and watch them make your life a complete misery for the next hundred years or so, wanting you to share the secret. Totally not worth it.’

‘I thought you weren’t allowed to tell people anything?’

‘There are topics we’re not permitted to discuss. Our existence is well-known, however, so that’s not off limits.’

‘I see,’ I said. ‘You’re not allowed to talk about death, the afterlife, stuff like that.’

‘Maybe,’ he said, smiling knowingly.

‘So Nu Wa is on a higher Platform, for Bodhisattvas? Can I even go that far?’

‘No, Nu Wa exists on the Celestial, in the Kunlun Mountains in the West, same Plane as the rest of us Immortals,’ Ma said. ‘You won’t have to travel to a higher Platform to see her.’

‘So I
can
go see her without too much difficulty. I can just ride a cloud with Simone.’

‘She’s up too high. No cloud can carry you that far. You have to walk the last two hundred li or so.’

I shrugged. ‘Okay, I’ll walk.’

‘In the snow.’

I shrugged again.

‘As a
snake
, Emma.’

‘Oh.’

‘No other serpent has been that far. I suggest you start working now on a way to keep you warm while you make the trek.’

‘Something all-over and padded maybe,’ I said. ‘And Simone can carry me.’

‘I doubt if even someone as powerful as the Princess can carry you all the way,’ he said. ‘Ever seen a documentary about climbing Everest?’

‘No
way.
It’s that high?’

‘It’s twice as high,’ he said.

‘But that would mean it’s in the lower part of the stratosphere! There wouldn’t be enough oxygen to breathe!’

‘Exactly.’

I dropped my head. ‘Geez, this is crazy.’ I remembered what John had said. ‘What about the Three Pure Ones? He said to see them first.’

‘They are on the First; you do not visit the higher Platform first. You should see Nu Wa on the Third—the Celestial Plane—before even thinking about visiting the First.’

‘The Second is the Heaven of Perfection and Enlightenment?’

‘Where the Buddhas exist, yes. The Three Pure Ones are on a higher Plane again. They are not living beings; they are more like concepts that occasionally choose to take human form and annoy the hell out of the rest of us.’

‘What’s the highest Platform like, Ma?’

‘The First Platform is so far removed from reality—from space-time as we know it—that it is difficult to describe it as even existing.’

‘Have you been there?’

‘Once or twice, when Ah Wu was in serious trouble and we needed some really high-end help. It’s not a place I’d recommend to anyone; the experience of being there twists your mind and can affect your sanity.’ He finished his latte. ‘Before you run off to do this stupid thing, I have made an appointment for you to see the Archivist. He may be able to help you.’

‘Thank you,’ I said with feeling. ‘I’ve been trying to see him since just after John died, and he’s ignored me
completely. I even pulled rank and he
still
ignored me.’

He opened and closed his mouth, then smiled. ‘“John died”. That’s a strange way of putting it for those of us in the know. Ah Wu is not dead, he still shows up now and then.’

‘On the Earthly, you cut someone’s head off, they’re dead. I’ve made a habit of saying that John
died
so people on the Earthly don’t try to have me committed; and people on the Celestial see it as a joke in extremely poor taste.’

‘So you win either way,’ he said, understanding.

‘I’m getting old and forgetful,’ I said with a grin. ‘It’s easier to tell everybody that he died, but sometimes I talk to the office staff of Chencorp about him coming back and they think I’m crazy.’

‘You’re not getting old. You look younger every day. You need to find a mountain with a nice spring and some—’

‘I don’t have time for pine nuts and springwater. Go
away
,’ I said. We rose and shook hands. ‘Thanks, Ah Guang, I appreciate your time. And props for getting the Archivist to talk to me.’

‘No problem at all,’ he said.

When I reached the door, I found it was stuck closed. The clatter of cups and the murmur of conversation ceased and the room became eerily silent; everybody in the coffee shop except Ma and myself had disappeared.

I didn’t mess around: I summoned the Murasame and it appeared in my hand. Ma took Celestial Form: a red-garbed warrior with flames on his robes and bright red hair down to his waist. A pyramid-shaped gold brick appeared in his left hand and a sword in his right.

‘Do you know what’s caused this?’ I said.

‘Wong Mo,’ he said, and gestured towards the door. ‘Incoming.’

Life continued as usual outside the shop windows; nobody noticed that I was holding a long black sword and standing next to a ten-foot-tall, red-robed god.

The doorbell rang. Ma was right: it was the King of the Demons, in normal human form, wearing a maroon silk shirt and black jeans, his blood-coloured hair held back in a ponytail. He spread his arms. ‘Emma, sweetheart, you don’t need that thing with me. I’m here to help.’ He saluted Ma. ‘Magistrate Ma of the Only True Power.’

Ma nodded back. ‘Wong Mo.’

I dismissed the sword. ‘Now I know why Simone hates being called “sweetheart”.’

The Demon King gestured towards the table where Ma and I had been sitting. ‘May I speak to you alone, Lady Emma?’

‘Anything you have to say, you can say in front of my most trusted lieutenant,’ I said.

‘Bah, she should be
your
lieutenant,’ the Demon King said to Ma. ‘You’re a heavenly general, one of the leaders of the Heavenly Host, right hand to the Dark Lord himself, and here you are babysitting a young female mortal.’

‘Just goes to show how far apart we are,’ Ma said. He moved to stand behind me as a Retainer.

I sat at the table. ‘Now, what did you want to talk to me about?’

‘You’re searching for ways to clear the demon essence from you. Just let me do it, dear Emma, and you can be ready for him when he returns.’

I rose again. ‘If that’s all you’re here for, you’re wasting your time.’

He spread his hands without rising. ‘Maybe we can negotiate something.’

‘As long as it involves me prostituting myself to you, we have nothing to talk about.’

He didn’t move, hands still spread. ‘As I said, maybe we can negotiate something.’

‘What do I have that you want, except for demon spawn?’ I said.

‘Oh, many things,’ he said, jolly. ‘Safe passage Above, certain Celestials who have been a complete pain in the ass to me, some homely women…There are any number of things I could name.’

‘I do not negotiate with demons,’ I said stiffly.

He leaned over the table and grinned at me. ‘You’re doing it again.’

‘Good,’ I said. ‘That means I know exactly how to deal with you.’

‘Whatever,’ he said, and rose.

Noise clashed around us and the people in the coffee shop reappeared. Ma quickly changed back to his usual human form.

‘Let me send you some suggestions of what would be a suitable trade for your humanity,’ the King said. ‘Have a look through, and if you see something you like, let me know. You still have my phone, don’t you?’

‘Yeah,’ I said. ‘Neat trick how it always changes to the latest model.’

‘Only the best for my Emma,’ he said, and disappeared.

‘Doing what again?’ Ma said.

‘Sounding like John,’ I said.

He nodded. ‘That you do sometimes.’

‘Do you think I’m his Serpent, Ma?’

‘You’ve been in the same room as his Serpent, ma’am, and not even he can be in
three
places at the same time.’ His face changed to thoughtful. ‘No, I take that back. I don’t think there’s much that he can’t do.’

‘Thanks for that, that was just what I needed to hear,’ I said. I nodded to him, more serious. ‘And thanks for hanging around.’

‘I would have been more comfortable leaving and letting you face him alone as a display of my faith in you,’ he said. ‘But protocol demanded that I remain in my capacity as Retainer.’

‘I know, and I appreciate it. Either way.’

‘I’ve given your secretary the details of your appointment with the Archivist,’ Ma said. ‘Talk to him before you go traipsing off to see Nu Wa; you may be able to avoid seeing her altogether. The Heavens know, last time someone visited her it caused a war.’

‘Nobody’s been to see her since the Shang/Zhou?’ I said.

He shook his head. ‘Nobody’s been brave enough.’

‘Would a visit annoy her? I really don’t want to walk into the home of one of the most powerful Shen in creation if she’s pissed.’

‘Impossible to tell. Nobody’s spoken to her in thousands of years. Even before that, she was a recluse. You know the stories: she is as ancient as time and as powerful as nature. Approach her cautiously.’

‘If the Archivist can help me, I won’t have to approach her at all.’

‘That would be the ideal situation.’

He saluted me quickly and we went out together. I took the lift back up to the Academy; he disappeared.

W
hen I returned to my office the White Tiger was stretched across the doorway in True Form. Even lying down he was nearly a metre tall.

I glared at him. ‘What are you doing here? I just left your palace last night. And how am I supposed to get any work done when I can’t get into my office?’

‘You and Ah Wu are as bad as each other, working your asses off,’ the Tiger said without moving. ‘A
real
leader delegates everything and spends their time eating and screwing. I only need to work at most about ten minutes a day, and even then it’s just “yes” or “no”. When are you going to learn?’

‘I prefer a more hands-on approach and less eating and screwing,’ I said. I gestured towards him. ‘Get out of the damn way.’

‘Yeah, well in your case, with the vegetarianism and celibacy, you might as well be hands-on and keep yourself distracted. I don’t know how you do it.’ He rose, stretched out his front legs like a house cat and scraped his claws on the carpet. ‘I need to talk to you.’

‘Don’t tear up my carpet!’ I said.

He moved to one side and I opened the office door to let us both in.

‘Shall I order a cat-scratching post, ma’am?’ Yi Hao called from her desk.

‘Yes, please,’ I called back, and closed the door on her giggles.

‘Oh, very funny. I eat demons like that for breakfast,’ the Tiger said.

I opened the office door again. ‘And a giant-sized cat collar and bell,’ I added.

Yi Hao screeched with laughter.

I closed the door and sat behind my desk. ‘Just the person I wanted to see. I need help.’

He took human form, leaned against the wall, crossed his arms over his chest and scowled. ‘I told you to talk to the people in the Northern Heavens about feeding your serpent.’

‘Not feeding the snake. John told me to go see Nu Wa, and I think I’ll need a hand with that.’

His expression changed from suspicious to resigned and he flopped to sit in the chair across from me. ‘That’s a big ask. Anyone with any sense stays well away from her.’

‘It shouldn’t be that bad, Bai Hu. It’s only on the Third Platform—’

‘How do you know about the Three Platforms?’ he said.

‘Oh, come on, Bai Hu, its full name is Seven Stars Sword of the Three Platforms. Do you think I’m stupid?’

He rubbed one hand over his face. ‘I keep forgetting exactly how much you aren’t.’

‘So I need to see Nu Wa on the Celestial, but I’ll need a hand getting there because of the cold. You’re the perfect person to help, being the Lesser Yang.’

‘I pull out full yang anywhere near you and you’ll be incinerated. Like being in the centre of a nuclear blast. Maybe you
are
stupid.’

‘She’s up about twice as high as Everest. It’ll be bitterly cold, there won’t be enough oxygen for a mortal like me to breathe—’

‘So wear a spacesuit,’ he snapped. ‘I’ll even provide one for you.’

‘And I have to go in serpent form since it’s on the Celestial. Do you have a long, narrow spacesuit you can lend me?’

He sighed loudly, leaned back and put his hands behind his head. ‘The things you ask for. A snake spacesuit. Now I’ve heard everything.’

‘But you have ordinary human spacesuits?’

‘Of course I do. Some of the wives are thrillseekers and love being taken up into orbit. After a nasty accident where I became…’ he hesitated ‘…distracted, I decided to make them wear spacesuits when I take them up there.’

‘I do not believe you sometimes! Someone died because you can’t keep your mind off your gonads?’

He shrugged. ‘Can’t stop me being what I am.’

‘Where do you have the suits made? Maybe I can get a special suit designed.’

‘I’ll see what I can do. A human suit might be okay; if you can make yourself small enough, we can just pop you in. Leave it with me. But I want something in return.’

It was my turn to be suspicious. ‘What?’

He grinned. ‘The blood sample you promised you’d give me when you visited the West. You never coughed up. So you’re coming down to the shoebox that passes for an infirmary in this place and giving me some
right now.
’

‘I never promised any such thing.’