Hell's Geek (8 page)

“If at first you don’t succeed, chop off its head.” From the Amazon Guide to the Undead Apocalypse.

As the whole house trembled—almost as much as her body still did—Valaska leaped off her surprisingly skilled lover and stood on the vibrating floor.

The shaking proved intense. “W-w-ill the c-c-abin h-h-old?” Her words stuttered as the cabin continued to rattle.

“M-may-b-b-e,” Dex replied as he rolled out of the bed, his shaft projecting thickly from his groin. Apparently it hadn’t received the message yet that they were in danger.

As the house continued to vibrate, Valaska decided it might be best to prepare herself. While battling naked didn’t bother her, breasts flying about could prove a hazard, especially when they got in the way of a sword thrust.

At least she wasn’t too well endowed in that area, not like poor Nespa, who needed to keep them bound on training runs lest she knock herself out.

“How long is this going to last?” Dex shouted as he dove into his own clothes.

She didn’t answer immediately due to her entertainment as she watched him try to stuff his hard cock into his pants. His cock really wasn’t on board with that plan and kept springing back out.

“Usually hellquakes last a few seconds to a few minutes.” While they didn’t happen often, these tremors did occur, with varying degrees of violence, and didn’t cause much harm, unless a person happened to be in a home or building that collapsed when it happened. Even outhouses weren’t safe. Poor Mona had found that out the gross way.

The trembling reached a pitch. The whole house gave a big lurch, enough to stagger her.

To her surprise, Adexios kept his footing.

At her surely shocked look, he smiled. “Sea legs. I’m used to Styx monsters trying to tip my boat.”

The intense vibration stopped, and yet…something wasn’t right.

“Is it me or does it feel like we’re moving?” she asked. More like subtly rocking.

His brows pulled into a frown. “Yeah, it does seem that way. Reminds me of the motion of a boat.”

At his words, she ran to the window, vaulting over the couch to reach it faster. Speed didn’t change what she saw.

“We’re afloat!”

Indeed the cabin, ripped from its perch, currently bobbed along a dark current. Where had all the water come from? It hadn’t rained, and they’d not camped near any of the larger puddles.

Coming to stand beside her, Adexios peeked out. “Looks like the puddle situation has gotten worse.”

“You think!” She strapped on the rest of her gear, grabbed her spear, and went to the door. Flinging it open, she regarded the fast-flowing water.

Dex grabbed her by the arm and pulled her away from the opening. “What are you doing?”

“Jumping ship, or is that cabin? Whatever. I’m getting out of here.”

“Are you insane?”

“I thought we already discussed that.”

He rolled his eyes. “Sorry, I meant to say, are you suicidal? Take a look out there.” He flicked a switch, and an outdoor light came on over the door.

The one dim bulb didn’t illuminate far, but it showed enough. As far as she could see, water. Water. And more water. Not the still water of the little puddles they’d encountered. Not the clear depths where she could see the bottom.

This liquid bore the appearance of a storm-tossed sea. Dark waves, with a strong briny stench. White caps crested and rolled, their strength carrying the cabin along to who knew where.

If she jumped out in that, loaded with all her gear, she’d probably sink. Swimming wasn’t high on her list of strong suits, even if she rocked a bikini.

“I’m going to assume you can’t breath underwater?” he remarked.

“No, but I can hold my breath pretty damned long. Drop your pants and I’ll show you.”

Yes, she was intentionally blatant in order to distract attention from the fact that she was seriously discomfited by their situation. Being at the mercy of her environment didn’t sit well. She liked to be able to kill, or at least seriously maim, the things that bothered her.

Just in case… She poked the sea water with her spear. A nice hard jab.

It didn’t scream.

Damn.

“I don’t suppose you think it’s shallow enough to wade in?”

He cast a dubious gaze. “Doubt it.”

She pushed her spear down into the rolling waves. Down. And down some more. She stopped pushing when the tips of her fingers got wet.

“Pretty deep,” she remarked, followed by a, “What the fuck!” as her spear was torn from her grasp.

“Strong current,” he remarked.

“That didn’t feel like any current,” she said with a glare at the dark water that mocked her.

“They’re stronger than you think.”

For some reason, his words had her eyeing him. “Yes, they are,” she muttered.

Funny, how his chest thrust out at the same time as his cheeks took on a bit of color.

He studiously avoided her gaze as he kept staring out the door. “With it still being dark, and us not knowing how far or bad the water situation has gotten—”

“I’ll go on a limb and say fairly dire.”

“—we are both better off staying inside and waiting to see what happens. Perhaps once the dawn hits, we’ll be better able to strategize and extricate ourselves from this situation.”

“You mean you want us to do…” She took a moment to make a face before saying the dreaded word. “Nothing?” Sitting still wasn’t her strong suit. She hated being idle. “Fuck me,” she muttered.

“Maybe later if you’re
good
.”

Um, who’d said that? She cast a startled glance at Dex, but he wasn’t paying her any attention. Maybe she’d misheard. Maybe the devil was playing tricks.

Or maybe Dex was a slyer player than she gave him credit for because there it was, a hint of mischief tugging at his lips.

Sexy.

Almost as sexy as the fact that he didn’t cower at their situation but logically analyzed it.

He knelt by the doorframe. Water lapped at the edge, and yet some kind of odd magic kept it from slopping in.

A good thing or she might find herself a touch worried about sinking.

Bracing one hand on the floor, Dex shoved the other one into the water.

“What are you doing? Trying to get your hand chewed off by some aquatic monster?”

“Sea monsters don’t chew. They rip limbs off.”

“Either way, you’re like a wiggly worm on a pole, very tempting.”

“Did you truly compare me to a wiggly worm?” He looked and sounded so pained.

She couldn’t help but laugh. “Sorry, should I have said thick python?”

“Thick and long, thank you.”

That retort earned a belly laugh from her. Through her snorts and guffaws, she managed to gasp, “Dex, you hide the most evil sense of humor.”

“Thank you.”

“No, thank you, for not making this mission totally suck.”

“Thanks again, I think.”

Did he not grasp the compliment she paid him? Amazon warriors did not partner with men, especially those who couldn’t bench-press a hellcat—which, for the uninformed, somehow weighed more than a car. Her kind didn’t have long conversations with men, and they certainly didn’t laugh with them. Laugh at yes, but with? Her geeky companion was a rare treat.

I should keep him once this is over.

Slap.

Get a hold of yourself.
Only the truly mentally deranged—who’d gotten smacked one too many times in the noggin obviously—settled down with a man.

Not me.
She intended to follow the pure Amazon way. Fuck ’em and leave ’em. Or kill ’em. Whichever proved most practical.

Time to get her head back into the game, starting with, “Why are you sticking your hand in the water if not for bait?”

“I’m checking on things.”

“Like what? Whether we’ll expire of hypothermia or drown first? I’m going to state right now that neither is high on my list.”

He cast her an amused stare. “What happened to death being glorious during the course of adventure?”

“That was if it happened during battle. This”—she pointed at the icky waves—“has no honor.”

“Then I guess we’ll have to make sure we don’t die.”

She liked his optimism.
Live that we might kill another day.

A sudden burst of song erupted. The tune for ‘Number of the Beast’ by Twisted Sister belted, and, yes, she happened to know that song as she’d gone through a heavy metal phase in her teens.

“That’s my phone,” he stated as he dug in his pocket for it. “It’s the devil,” he stated unnecessarily with a roll of his eyes.

But despite his irritation at the interruption, he answered and put the caller on speakerphone. He placed the hellphone on the floor beside him as he continued to lean out the door to study the water situation.

“Hey, boss. Can you call back later? I’m kind of busy right now.”

“Busy? Really?” Lucifer sounded pleased. “Why you old lint ball off your father’s robe. You move quicker than expected, son. I am so proud of you. Debauching that Amazon chick the first night out.”

“I didn’t exactly debauch.”

She snickered and whispered, “Yeah, you did.”

How his eyes gleamed behind his glasses. “Wait until later,” he mouthed.

My, my but she quite enjoyed the many facets to her geek.

“Aha, I knew you did something, boy. The devil always knows. So tell me, is she a screamer?”

“A gentleman never tells. And for the record, the ravishment of my lady companion is not the reason I’m busy. We’re kind of in mortal peril.”

“So you didn’t stick it to her?” Lucifer sounded so disappointed.

“What Valaska and I may or may not have done is none of your business. I need you to focus, as this is important. The puddle situation has gotten critical.”

“Yes, so I heard. I had to summon a protective ring around the ninth circle to keep that damned water from flooding Hell.”

“And you didn’t think to send us help?”

“I called, didn’t I?”

“The great lord’s care for his minions is without reproach,” Valaska chimed in.

“Ass-kisser,” Dex muttered.

“If you insist, but I’d prefer to leave my teeth marks in your buttocks,” she sassed back.

“Are you two done flirting with each other? Because it’s annoying, unless you’re planning to get naked, in which case, I’ll just listen and find out for myself if she screams.”

“We are not getting naked. But we are currently afloat on an ocean that didn’t exist a few hours ago.”

“Ah, yes, that pesky sea water that has appeared. What in all that is mighty—which is me of course—is going on?”

“Damned if I know what’s happening,” Dex said, looking right at her.

Good, she liked to keep a man on his toes.

Thankfully, Lucifer was oblivious to the undertones. “You’re already damned, Adexios. I want answers. You know how I feel about people who fail me.”

“You reward them for not living up to their full potential.”

“Well, yes, I do, but that is…” the devil blustered. “Stop screwing with me, boy, or I’ll have you mucking out the latrines for a few centuries. I want answers.”

Threatened or not, her geek remain undaunted.

Dex’s lips curled, a mischievous boy about to yank the tail on the devil. “Aren’t we all looking for answers, though? Such as how do they get the gooey caramel center into a Caramilk bar? And why is it, whenever I wear white jeans, I sit in something sticky.”

“Probably because men should never wear white jeans.” Valaska shook her head. “Ever.”

“They don’t start out white,” he muttered. “I have issues with bleach.”

She blew a rude noise. “Real men don’t use bleach either.”

How cute he looked when he got all flustered. Agitated, he pushed his glasses up his nose. “Forget about the bleach. The point I was getting at is that sometimes things like delicious treats and suddenly appearing seas don’t have an answer.”

“Okay,” said Lucifer.

Dex waited, but nothing more appeared forthcoming. “That’s it? Okay?”

The devil snorted. “Yeah, okay. I’m not stupid, boy. I know that when you’re dealing with omnipotent deities like me, shit happens. Weird shit most of the time.”

Valaska jumped on Lucifer’s words. “You think this new sea is the result of some other god screwing in your realm?”

“Someone is playing in Lucifer’s sandbox? No way. I thought you were the toughest dude around.” Dex breathed the words in feigned shock. Thing was, the devil couldn’t see his face so he didn’t know Dex teased.

Lucifer uttered a big growling noise. “No one fucks with me.”

“Hate to break it to you, boss, but someone is.”

A deep sigh came through the phone. “People are always trying to come after my power. Isn’t it grand? Always some new calamity coming along to keep a handsome devil in tiptop shape.”