Her (10 page)

“More of everyone doing what?”

“No, Dr. Cuvo.” I felt dumb again. I couldn’t get out what was locked in my mind. Mr. Sharp was pressing in on me. He was close by; I could feel him creeping in on me.

Dr. Cuvo pressed in on me too.

“What are you feeling, Kristen? What do you feel that everyone in here is doing?”

“Everyone: Janine, Tai, Cadence. They are all talking about me. They are calling me ugly when I am not looking, and they are laughing at me. I hear them, and I can’t just go to that place. I can’t just go in my room and get away from them. I don’t belong here. Can I just go home?”

Warm tears started running down my face. I felt stupid. Maybe they weren’t talking about me, or maybe they were, because I’d seen them laughing.

“Let me tell you something, Kristen,” Dr. Cuvo began.  “I know that kids can be cruel. I know that, in your experience with your peers, a lot people have been very mean to you. If you feel that anyone in here is talking about you, you should go to that person and ask them what their problem is. I can bet that the problem that they tell you is not you. You are probably the furthest from any of these kids’ minds. Also, I don’t think that any of them have any reason to laugh at you because they are no better than you while you all are in here.”

“Why do I keep feeling like they are laughing at me?” I asked him.

“I think it is because you are used to that happening from when you were in school. Understand, this is not school. Bent Creek is not a place where you have the cool clique and the rejects. This is a place where everyone is equal. Everyone has imperfections and feels insecure. There’s no hiding it. So, instead of taking the laughter that you hear and using it against yourself, why don’t you take it as an invitation to laugh with them? Share yourself the way they are trying to share with you. I think it will help you to see what’s really going on.”

I nodded and stared out of the one window behind Dr. Cuvo.

“Maybe you're right,” I said as I thought about it. His point was valid. I hadn’t bothered to think of the situation the way he had described it.

“How are your wrists?” Dr. Cuvo asked.

I shrugged.

“They are okay. I keep them wrapped up. Is a doctor coming to look at the stitches?”

Dr. Cuvo nodded.

“There should be a nurse coming today to take your blood for tests. The nurse should help you get cleaned up so that you don’t get your stitches wet. It will be like when you were in the main hospital.”

I sighed in relief. I’d been almost embarrassed to ask.

“I talked to your mother, Kristen,” Dr. Cuvo said.

“Is she coming here today?” I asked.

“No, you can’t have any visitors while you are at Level One. At any rate, while I was talking to your mother, she told me that she was going through your knife collection.”

“What was she doing with my knives?” I asked.

“What were you doing with your knives, Kristen?”

“I collected them.”

“What else?”

He was looking at my arms. There were old scars from my cutting. I pulled down my sleeves, and kept my gaze towards the window. I didn’t feel as trapped when I did that.

“I already know, even if you don’t want to tell me.” He was still staring at me, but I wasn’t staring back.

“She told me about how she’d had problems with you cutting yourself with those knives. Do you want to tell me about the knives, Kristen?”

I didn’t say a word. I kept looking out of the window. I was trying hard not to break. She hadn’t told him everything. I was sure she hadn’t told him the truth behind it all. She was putting it all on me, like she always did. It was easy for Mom to do it that way. Make it twist and turn until it fit the way she wanted it to fit. My mind started racing as the temperature in the room dropped. I wandered off as Dr. Cuvo spoke about the knives. I didn’t want to hear him. So, I let myself drift off.

I leaned down, not really sure what it was at the bottom of the tub. I reached in and pulled it out of the drain. Whatever was in that drain was causing it to stop up. When I got it out, I examined its plastic texture and rubbery feel. When I realized what it was, I felt myself gag, and I quickly threw the condom into the toilet. Mom suddenly appeared at the bathroom door, and she stared at me as I stared into the toilet.

“What’s wrong?” she asked.

I had been busy cleaning up the bathroom, and trying to get my chores done before she and Jack got home, that I didn’t even realize the time. Nick and Alison were in their bedrooms. Mom was now standing next to me, staring into the toilet too.

“Where did you get that?” Mom had fear in her voice.

I put my hands up as if I were under arrest. She looked at the large, yellow, cleaning gloves on my hands.

“It’s not mine, Mom,” I said.  “I was cleaning the bathroom, and I found it in the drain.  It was stopping up the tub.” Mom looked into the toilet and I watched as her face flushed white.

“Mom, you and Dad haven’t taken a shower together in a really long time,” I said. “But he and-”

“Shut up.” Her voice scared me. It didn’t sound like her.

“Huh?”

“I said shut up, Kristen!” she was yelling at me now. She leaned over and quickly flushed the toilet. “Don’t come at me with this mess. I am tired. I just got home from work. I can’t deal with this right now. What are you trying to do to us?”

I swallowed all the pain that was in my chest and in my throat.

“Mom, I wasn’t trying to do anything.  I just was saying that I found this in the tub.  Jack, he’s been-”

“Since when is he Jack?” she asked.

“I mean, Dad’s been-”

“You know what, Kristen? I don’t want to hear any more of this. Just leave me alone and let me get some rest before your brother and sister realize that I am home, and what little bit is left of my sanity is gone. You really know how to cross that line with me, don’t you? You really make things hard on us. Just stay away from me for the rest of the night. I don’t want to see your face.”

Her words echoed in my head. The feeling that I had gotten so much. That pain that seemed to linger in me wouldn’t go away. It was like metal had begun to form in my chest and take the form of a ball. The ball stayed there, and slowly, had begun to turn.

All of this would have been done and over with. I wouldn’t have had to remember these things or feel these things if I had just been able to die. Tears started falling from my eyes. I was crying so hard, I could hardly breathe. Mr. Sharp couldn’t appear. The talk about knives made him want to come out.

I started screaming, “Stop it! Stop it!” I kept hitting myself in the head as hard as I could while I was screaming. I wanted the thoughts to get out! They had to stop!

Dr. Cuvo grabbed my arms. He was trying to stop me.

“Kristen! What’s going on? What is happening? Talk to me, and stop hitting yourself.”

I slapped myself in the face, hard. I wouldn’t stop slapping until I felt numb. Dr. Cuvo got a tight grip on both of my wrists. He squeezed them. I screamed out in pain as the pain and pressure I felt went through my wrists and out the other sides. The pain that I was feeling inside made it almost unbearable. It made me stop fighting. I looked up at Dr. Cuvo.

His face was the color of a beet. His eyes were huge, and I could tell that he was holding his breath. His large, deep eyes were staring right at me. The compassionate look on his face stung me deeply.

“Stop it,” I cried softly to him.

He slowly turned my wrists loose from his tight grip, but he stayed close to me. His eyes still stared into mine.

“I’m trying to make it stop. I want to make it stop, Kristen. Please, you have to help me.”

“I don’t know how!” I cried to him.

“Let me help you,” Dr. Cuvo said.

I couldn’t say anything. The pain from the metal ball in my chest made it hurt too much to speak. Dr. Cuvo let me cry. I cried until I felt numb again. When I felt numb, I wiped my eyes, sat back, and looked back out the window. Dr. Cuvo said that he wasn’t going to make me talk to him. He could see that I was upset. I didn’t want to say anything. I was in the perfect place. I was in the place that Mr. Sharp would let me go when I had my knives, or my silver butterfly, with its sharp wings.

Dr. Cuvo ended my session by telling me that he wanted to start me on a medication called Risperdol. He told me that it would help me get to sleep at night, and it should help me with my worries that the kids in here were against me. I nodded, but I wasn’t really listening. I stared out of the window, imagining I wasn’t here. I imagined that I was resting somewhere where my ashes would have been scattered or buried in the earth.

CHAPTER 9

When the session was over, Dr. Cuvo stuck out his hand, as usual. I took his hand and we shook. When we were on the main unit, everyone seemed to suddenly appear. Janine ran over from the couch where she was sitting next to Tai and Chris. I thought she was coming over to me, but she jumped in front of Dr. Cuvo with a big smile on her face.

“Are you ready for me?” she eagerly asked him. She seemed really jittery and anxious.

“Not yet, Janine, but I will be with you shortly,” he told her as he tried to head for the exit.

“Why not?” She frowned, looking as if she was going to break.

Dr. Cuvo stopped at the exit door. He didn’t even look at her while he was talking to her.

“I have other patients to see right now, Janine. I will be back to talk to you later,” Dr. Cuvo said.

He pushed past her coldly and stuck his key in the door. The door began to open slowly. Janine tried to stay close to him, and looked at him with anger in her eyes. I watched them closely. Everyone else just seemed to be in their own little world. I watched Janine’s lips move as she leaned in closer to him. She wasn’t yelling now. I couldn’t hear what she was saying. Right when Dr. Cuvo was about to walk out of the half-opened door, he stopped and looked at her. Now he looked her directly in the eyes.

“Later, Janine,” he said in a serious, insensitive tone. Then, he walked out the door.

Janine almost followed him out. When she screamed out angrily, Ms. Mosley looked up from what she was doing.

All eyes were on Janine. Ms. Mosley immediately came around from behind the counselor’s desk and asked Janine to sit down and join the rest of us on the unit. Janine stood, still staring at the exit door. Her arms were folded across her chest and her eyes were wide open like she was possessed.

“Come on, Janine. Have a seat over here with everyone else,” Ms. Mosley tried to encourage her.

Janine didn’t flinch.

Losing her patience, Ms. Mosley yelled at her. Janine just stood there.

“Geoffrey, help me with Janine again,” Ms. Mosley demanded the young counselor.

Geoffrey stood up from behind the desk. He walked over to Janine and gently grabbed her arm.

Geoffrey said, “Come, Janine. We are going to go sit down.”

“Get off of me! Stop touching me, you stupid pervert!” she screamed. She yelled even louder when Ms. Mosley came to help Geoffrey. She was screaming, “No! No! Don’t touch me! You can’t do this! No!”

Everyone on the unit stared at Janine as she swung her arms wildly. She hit Geoffrey in the face. That’s when Ms. Mosley pushed Janine to the ground and pulled her hands behind her back. Geoffrey had Janine in his tight grip. He and Ms. Mosley lifted her off the floor and carried her away as she screamed and shouted. They carried her out of a door and down a hallway that I had not yet walked through. I could hear Janine screaming until the door shut behind them.

I was frightened for Janine after I heard the door slam. After the commotion was over, everyone went back to what they were doing as if nothing had happened. Tai sat on the couch next to Chris, expressionless. I walked over to a seat at a table, near the couch, and sat down. The new guy that I had seen in morning group came over and sat at the table with me.

He leaned over and asked Tai, “Do you know what they are doing to that girl in there?”

“BCR,” she told him.

“BCR? What’s that?” he asked Tai.

I was curious, too.

“It’s called a Behavioral Control Room,” Chris clarified.

“Thanks, nobody asked you,” Tai growled at him.

Chris didn’t respond. Daniel walked into the front room from where Dr. Cuvo had exited. Dr Finch was ahead of him. Daniel smiled and thanked Dr. Finch. He and Daniel fist bumped and then said good bye before Dr. Finch walked away.

“Why did they put her in there?” I asked.

Tai looked at me as if I were stupid. I felt stupid for asking. I guess it was obvious.

Tai answered, “They put her in there to strap her down and shut her up. Don’t worry, they don’t use shocks here.” Tai laughed. “I know what you new people must think when you come in here.”