Her (37 page)

“What did you say?” I asked her.

Dr. Finch used his key to open the exit door. Hearing the door open, Janine turned to see what was going on. She saw Daniel about to leave, and quickly ran over to him. He saw her and dropped his bags without hesitation.

“Oh, my God! Janine!” he exclaimed. “I thought I’d miss you!”

Daniel grabbed her in his arms, and they squeezed each other tightly. Janine was crying.

“Daniel, we have to go,” his mother pushed. She picked up the bags he had dropped.

Daniel didn’t let go, because Janine wasn’t letting go of him. She slipped a folded piece of paper into the back pocket of his jeans. She whispered in his ear. A pain went through my chest. What did she say to him to make him close his eyes and smile that way? He was smiling in that convincing way. When he pulled back to look her in the eyes, I noticed that his eyes were amazingly aglow. Daniel’s eyes seemed to be radiating some kind of affection as he looked down at Janine. I did not understand that look.

She must have whispered to him her permission to move, because without hesitating, he had moved. Their lips were pressing so passionately together. First, it was a gentle peck. Then her tongue was in his mouth, and his lips were over her bottom lip.

My mind seemed to suck me back into a place where I couldn’t get out.

Where was I?

I was in the doorway of my bedroom at our new home. This home was the place that we had moved to after Jack was arrested, and Mom had sold our old house. The house where the terrible things had happened was gone. It was no longer our nightmare since we had moved out of there and into our new house. This new home was a part of our family’s new beginning.

Lexus came over to help me paint my new bedroom. She was staying over at my house for the weekend. John came over to help me paint, too, when he learned that Lexus was visiting. Lexus had that kind of effect on people. People liked to be around her. Lexus was beautiful. She was interesting. She wasn’t complicated. She was likeable and lovable. She was...she was...nothing like me.

We decided to paint as much of my room as we could on the first day. The walls were originally a sickening shade of green. I wanted all of the walls painted black. Our goal was to try to finish painting by Saturday because we were going to celebrate Lexus’ high school graduation on that Sunday. Lexus suggested that we include John because he was also graduating high school that year.

The whole weekend was fun with the three of us painting and celebrating. Lexus was helpful and kept the mood light with her cheerfulness. John was charming and fun to be around because he was just simply wonderful as is.

While we painted my bedroom, I listened to Lexus and John talk about what colleges they were going to attend in the upcoming year. They argued about the politics of going to a State University versus a College.  I decided to step out of the room to grab sodas for the three of us. When I returned to the room, I was in high spirits. I wanted to hear more about their plans and ask them questions about what it was like to be finished with high school.

However, at that moment, I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t understand anything.

John’s arms were wrapped around Lexus’ perfectly slim waist. Her hair was swept up in a high ponytail, and she had little drops of paint in it. His dried-paint-covered hands were greedily rubbing all over her neck, her shoulders, and her back. I heard Lexus moaning as John hungrily kissed her from her lips to her neck and shoulders. I just stood in the doorway of my bedroom, silent and still, while watching in disbelief and heartache. They didn’t even notice that I was there.

I had backed away from the open doorway and stood in the hallway. I tried to get my thoughts together. I wiped away my tears. With a sick feeling still in my chest, I walked into the room and slammed the door behind me. I made sure I slammed it hard enough for the both of them to know I was there.

Lexus and John were startled. They backed away from each other. Lexus sighed in relief when she saw that it was only me. John looked at me and, when our eyes met, he blushed. I looked at Lexus.

She said with a smile, “Kristen, your room is coming along nicely. Don’t you think?”

I walked toward them and looked around the room. With a forced smile, I nodded in agreement. Lexus was glowing, and so was John. They didn’t look nervous at all. I couldn’t understand it. I was sure that I would never understand.

“What? Did you want it to be you?” Mena said to me.

I looked up. I was back in Bent Creek, and standing on the main unit. Mena stood directly in front of me, blocking my view of Daniel and Janine. Then it hit me. She wasn’t smiling, nor was she joking. She was serious.

She said, “Don’t go cutting your wrists up over
that
,” and walked away.

When Mena was out of my way, I saw that Daniel was gone. The exit door was closed, and Dr. Pelchat was coming towards me. I wanted to say something to Mena. Angrily, I started to walk towards her, but Dr. Pelchat called out to me. I stopped in place.

Approaching me, he said, “I just wanted to remind you to read over that book I gave you.”

“I will, Dr. Pelchat,” I assured him.

“Good,” he said. “I’ve scheduled your test for Tuesday.” He walked away.

I stood there, staring at the exit doors. Daniel was gone. Janine was gone. Mena was gone. She had asked if I wanted it to be me. That question felt like it could have destroyed me if I had an answer for it. Did I want it to be me? Did I want Daniel to kiss me?

I’d wanted
John
to kiss me. I’d wanted him to move towards me, but he’d never moved. Everyone had been happy when Lexus and John had announced that they were dating. Mom was happy for them, their parents were happy for them, and all of their friends were happy for them. Everyone was happy for them except me. It was okay for them to kiss in front of everyone, just like Daniel and Janine did. They didn’t have to hide or keep it a secret. They were glowing, and they were free. I didn’t know what that felt like. I didn’t know what it was like to be kissed and set free.

When I returned to my bedroom, I felt relieved. I let my face hit my pillow, and I just lay on the bed, on my stomach. I stared at the silver butterfly pendant that I had sneaked into Bent Creek so that Mr. Sharp could stay with me. I twisted it between my fingertips. Mr. Sharp spoke to me through those sharp wings. He felt my pain. He liked it when I was this way, so that he could give me attention.

I couldn’t do it. Not here. Not in the room on the bed where, at any moment, a counselor could walk in and see me, and then go write about it in my chart. That would set me back. So, I lay there in pain. I let the pain shoot from my mind, down my back, and to the metal ball that turned tirelessly in my chest.

My mind ran back and forth from Janine and Daniel to John and Lexus. Then to how useless, ugly, and terrible I was. Tears fell hard onto my pillow. All I could do was cry, because it hurt too badly to move. I wanted Mr. Sharp. He watched me with tears in his eyes.

It’s so much better to cut. It feels less painful than this. One cut, that’s all you need. You need to breathe. Bleed so that you can breathe.

He told me this repeatedly, but I wouldn’t do it. I couldn’t take a chance on being set back. I lay as still as possible, and let the metal ball turn in my chest. The pain made the tears fall harder. My mind would not stop. It wouldn’t let me quit thinking about what a horrible person I was. Everything I was putting my family through, why John hated me so much, why Lexus didn’t answer her phone the night that I had found the letter Jack had written, when I’d needed someone to talk to and only Mr. Sharp had been there, and what a useless person I was. I could never be a survivor the way that Daniel had described.

I put all my pain on other people. That was why he never moved. That was why I had all of that pain inside of me. I stared at Mr. Sharp, who was only my age, but made me call him Mister because he knew so much more about life than I did. He knew the past, and he knew the future. That’s why he hated it when I denied him. I denied him, and let my tears fall until I couldn’t feel or see him anymore.

CHAPTER 38

I woke up, startled by a loud thud that came from the other side of the room. I opened my eyes and all of the lights were out. I couldn’t see what was going on. I called out for Janine, but she didn’t answer. I sat up, feeling dizzy, and I turned on the lamp beside my bed. I had to let my eyes adjust for a minute. When I could see clearly, I didn’t see Janine in her bed. Where was the noise coming from? I saw that the bathroom light was on.

The thuds, accompanied by a strange gurgling sound, were coming from the other side of the door. The gurgles were followed by heaving and groaning. I became frightened. It sounded like someone was inside of the bathroom, dying.

“Janine?” I called out to her from my bed.

When I didn’t get an answer, I got up off the bed slowly and went over to the bathroom door. I scratched gently on the outside of the door.

“Janine,” I called again. “Are you in there?”

My question was answered by another loud thud, followed by painful groaning sounds. I jumped back, afraid. I had to open the door, so I shook the fear away and yanked the door open. A strong and bitter smell suddenly filled the air. I covered my nose immediately, and I wanted to cover my eyes, too, from what I was seeing.

Janine was crouched over the toilet with her whole hand down her throat. Blood spilled out of her mouth. She fell backwards and hit her back against the wall behind her. There was the thud. She sat back up and tried to breathe, but only a gurgle came out. She grabbed her stomach in pain and groaned. More vomit and blood came up and spilled all over her ruined, pink pajamas. Blood caked in her matted hair. Vomit slopped on the floor and covered the toilet. She sat in her own blood and vomit as she struggled to sit back up and hover back over the toilet. I stood in the bathroom, terrified and disgusted.

“Janine!” I exclaimed.

She looked over at me, just now noticing I was here. She took her hand out of her throat and tried to speak, but a chunk of blood came out. She reached out to me with her bloody hand. It was like I was in the middle of a horror movie. She coughed up another chunk and spat it out. It flew at me and landed on my shirt. Still reaching out for me, she started moving towards me. Afraid, I ran out of the bathroom and onto the main unit, where Ms. Mosley and Mr. Anton were sitting at the counselor’s desk. I called out to Ms. Mosley desperately. She stood up immediately.

“What’s wrong, Kristen?” she asked.

I didn’t tell her what I’d seen. I just told her that it was important that she came with me to our bedroom. I didn’t want to make her panic.

She followed me quickly. When she saw Janine, she covered her mouth and nose. She almost gagged. The terrifying and sickening smell was overbearing. Ms. Mosley went over to Janine and grabbed her arms to keep her from putting her hands back in her mouth. Blood got all over Ms. Mosley’s clothes and hands.

“It is okay, Janine,” she said, as she seemed to try to be gentle.

However, Janine was not gentle. She fought back at Ms. Mosley and screamed, hoarsely.

Ms. Mosley yelled at me, “Go get Mr. Anton! Please, Kristen! Hurry! And tell Geoffrey to call the nurse and an ambulance!”

I did exactly what she said. I followed Mr. Anton back to our room. They both tried to get Janine to get up and move, but she wouldn’t. She just cried and tried to scream. She didn’t have enough strength to fight back. Blood got all over the two counselors. The on-call nurse came into the bathroom with a needle that I knew too well. I stood back.

She said to Ms. Mosley and Mr. Anton, “I didn’t realize it was this bad. You have to get back. You are getting her blood all over you. The ambulance will be here soon.”

“I can’t,” Ms. Mosley said. “She will keep it up if we don’t hold her down.”

“Hold her,” the nurse said. “I’ve got a sedative.” The nurse went over to Janine with that needle ready.

Janine tried to scream as she saw the nurse with the needle come closer to her. Mr. Anton told me to leave the room. I ran before the nurse stuck the needle into Janine. I couldn’t stand the smell. Nor could I watch my friend suffer in pain.

The ambulance then came for Janine. I sat on the main unit with Geoffrey. It was amazing that no one had woken up during all of the commotion, as they had when Rocky had attempted suicide. I was glad that Mena was not awake. What if I hadn’t woken up? Would Janine have been dead?

I watched as the EMTs rolled Janine away on a stretcher. I thought of Rocky. Janine didn’t have her head in a box. She was just silent and still like he had been. Her eyes were open, and she was staring up at the ceiling in a daze. It hurt to see my friend that way. I wanted to run up to her and tell her that everything was going to be okay, but I couldn’t do that. I didn’t really know if anything was going to okay.

Ms. Mosley rubbed Janine’s bloody hand and told her to be calm, and that she was going to be taken care of somewhere else. I wanted to go with Janine and be there for her, but I knew that wasn’t going to happen.