Her (15 page)

Ms. Mosley led me down the hallways that led back to the Adolescent Ward. Once on the unit, she told me to go to my room and that she’d be there. I did as she said. The unit was empty. So was the room. Janine was not there. Everyone must have been in group therapy. Ms. Mosley knocked on the door, which shocked me, before she entered. She had a tampon, a towel, soap, and a plastic bag.

“Here’s a bag for your dirty clothes. Just tie the bag up and hand it to me. I will throw your clothes into the wash for you. Because you are not Level Three yet, I can’t let you into that part of the facility. I am going to get on the phone today and find out where that nurse is who was supposed to come and do your blood work and help you clean up. I am sorry about this, Kristen. Are you okay?”

I nodded, silent and embarrassed.

“Just try to clean up as best you can. You can change your clothes and take as much time as you need. Let me know if you need my help, or if you need anything.”

She seemed nicer than I would have believed on the first day I had met her. I looked away from her, too embarrassed and wanting to be far away.

“Don’t worry. All of Dr. Cuvo’s patients are female. Hey, at least he doesn’t have a white couch.” She smiled at me. She was trying to make me smile back.

“Okay then,” she sighed. “I will let you take care of yourself. Your group is in Drugs and Alcohol Group right now. You’ll probably just have to miss that group today. If you need anything, just come get me. I will be up front on the main unit.” She left me alone in the room.

I went into the bathroom. I looked at the tile walls around me. The pain burned in my stomach. Tears fell from my eyes. I began to cry so hard that I heard myself groaning with my pitiful tears. I threw the tampon down. I took my fist and began beating it. I crushed it into the floor.

“No!” I screamed. “No! No! No!”

When the tampon was ruined, I stopped. I took a deep breath, wiped my eyes, and stared at what I had done. I hated him. That’s how I felt about him, Dr. Cuvo. I hated him!

CHAPTER 13

I waited as the phone rang. It seemed like forever before the ringing stopped. When the pulsing tones stopped, I got nervous. I almost hung up the phone, but my hand wouldn’t take the receiver away from my ear. The area for phone calls was not private. It was at the counselor’s desk on the main unit. There were chairs to sit in. I sat still with my legs folded, and I waited. The ringing stopped.

“Hello?” A female voice came in from the other end.

I took a deep breath right into the phone. It made a loud, windy sound. “Uh, hello?”

“Yes,” she said. She sounded impatient and annoyed.

I got on with it. “Can I speak to…? I mean, may I please speak to…uh…”

“Who do you want to speak to, honey?” I could hear in her voice that she was irritated and ready to hang up the phone.

“My dad,” I forced myself to say. “May I please speak to Christian Elliott?”

I heard her yell, “Christian, pick up the phone! It’s your kid!”

I heard a deep, muffled voice in the background. I couldn’t make out what he was saying. I pressed my ear harder to the phone.

“It’s Kristen!” She sounded angry. “What is your problem? Take the telephone, Christian.”

She took the phone away from her mouth. I could hear her yelling. He was yelling back at her. Then the phone was muffled by something, probably her hand. I couldn’t hear them clearly. Their words were distorted by the smother.

A few seconds later, there was just silence. It was so quiet that I thought she might have hung up on me. I called out softly, “Hello?”

There was no sound.

“Hello?”

A hard sigh came from the other end.

“Dad…”

“Hi,” he calmly said.

“Hey,” I said, in relief. “It’s me, Kristen.” I was smiling. I wondered if he could hear me smiling through the phone. I wished that he could see me.

He didn’t say anything.

“Well, I was just calling to say hi. I want to know how you are doing.” I was still nervous, but he couldn’t know that.

“That’s nice.”

I felt the metal ball that rested in my chest begin to turn. I took a deep swallow to keep it from rising. “Well, how are you doing?”

“I am doing just fine,” he assured me.

I heard him take a bite of something crunchy. He was smacking his lips and crunching down on whatever it was that he was eating. I heard the television blaring in the background. He was watching something with an annoying laugh track that seemed to go off every second. It must have been an extremely funny show, even though he didn't seem to be amused.

“Um, I am doing better now,” I told him.

He didn’t respond.

I coughed. “Yeah, I was sick for a little while.” My hands were shaking and I could feel drops of sweat forming under my arms and in the palms of my hands. I scratched the back of my neck, making it bleed. I wiped the blood and sweat on my jeans.

He continued to crunch.

“Dad?”

His voice came in suddenly, like the sound of unexpected thunder crashing nearby. “Look, Kristen, I don’t have any money, if that’s what you are calling for. I just got out of rehab two weeks ago. I just don’t-”

“No!” I yelled. “That is not why I am calling you.”

The tears started building up. I tried not to cry. Geoffrey and Ms. Mosley were behind the desk. I didn’t want them to hear me.

“Then what do you want?” He was yelling at me.

“I only want to talk to you,” I cried.

“Please,” he sighed. “Just stop crying. I know it’s been a while. I
just
got out of rehab. When I get my job back, I will send you some money if you need it. Did your mother tell you to call me?”

“No,” I said.

I covered my mouth with my hand to keep myself from crying out. I leaned against the back of the chair and unfolded my legs. I moved the phone away from my mouth and wiped my eyes as fast as I could before anyone could notice. I heard the others coming back onto the unit. A few of them were leaning over the desk, asking to use the phone. Janine was one of them. When I looked up, I saw her leaning over the desk.  She looked down at me. I covered half of my face with my hand to block out her staring at me. I didn’t want her to see. I wished everyone would go away.

“What’s that noise?” he asked.

“Nothing,” I lied.

I looked back up, and Janine was gone. Two other kids were talking on the phone and sitting in the other chairs. I saw other kids waiting for one of us to hang up so that they could make their phone calls.

“Okay. I have to go. I just wanted to…bye.”

I handed the phone over to Geoffrey. Without saying a word, I got up out of the chair and ran to the Girls’ Unit. I could hear the kid who was next in line yell to Geoffrey to dial his dad for him. I didn’t know why I had asked Geoffrey to dial my father in California. I wanted to tell my father that I was in the hospital, but it didn’t seem like a good idea. Once I got in my room, I threw myself on my bed and buried my head under my pillow, where no one could hear me cry.

CHAPTER 14

There was a knock on the door.  Before I woke up to realize that I wasn’t dreaming about someone knocking on the door, Ms. Mosley was standing over me. She scared me.

“I’m sorry,” she said. “I didn’t mean to scare you. If you’re hungry, there’s food. Geoffrey brought your lunch on the unit for you. I know you are not feeling well, but you need to eat.”

My stomach growled.

“Come to the front area,” Ms. Mosley encouraged.

I rose out of bed and followed her. My head was swimming in pain, but the cramps in my abdomen were worse.

When I arrived on the main unit, I sat at the table where Geoffrey had placed my food. I thanked him, and he told me that it was not a problem. When I saw the food, I couldn’t help but immediately tear into it. I was glad that none of the other kids were here. I felt dirty. I needed a bath. It was disgusting to think about what had happened in Dr. Cuvo’s office. That made everything worse. I tried not to think about it. I was just going to eat my lunch and go back to the room to lie down. Ms. Mosley surely wasn’t going to make me to go group therapy and meetings in my condition. At least I hoped that she wouldn’t.

I bit into the triangular shaped peanut butter and jelly sandwich on wheat bread, and I felt the table shake. I looked up. Geoffrey had sat down next to me.

He greeted me with a smile.

“Hey,” he said.

“Hi,” I said in almost a whisper.

I placed my sandwich down on the tray. Nervously, I looked away from Geoffrey’s unfamiliar stare.

He started drumming his fingers on the table.  His presence at the table, mixed with my embarrassment and the silence around us, became annoying. I wished he had left me alone.

I looked at him. He stopped drumming his fingers.

“So,” he started, “You’re taking my group today.”

“What’s your group?” I asked.

“Drug and Alcohol Group. It is moderated by Dr. Pelchat, but I help out.”

“I don’t know if my group has that today,” I said.

My stomach started growling again. I picked up my sandwich and took a bite. I was embarrassed to eat in front of him. It felt like we were in school. He looked young. He didn’t look much older than me.

“You’re in Group Two?”

I nodded. I was too hungry to speak. I got down to the last bite of my sandwich and then reached for the small pint of whole milk that sat next to the tray.

“Yeah, okay, so you have that group today,” he said.

I drank all of my milk and put the empty carton back down on the table. Geoffrey looked at me as if he was in awe.

“Wow, you must have been really hungry,” he said. “You eat like that in school?”

“I don’t go to school.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean I home school. I used to go to a public school, but I don’t go there anymore.”

“Really?” He looked at me differently. “Do you like that better?”

“Yes,” I told him.

“Does your Mom home school you?”

I shook my head. “No,” I said, “I home school myself.”

“Are you taking the summer off right now?”

“No,” I said.

“That sounds like it would take a lot of discipline.”

I wanted him to stop asking so many questions. I would have gotten up and walked away, but a markedly tall man with a potbelly who was dressed in black suddenly walked through the double doors that led to freedom.

This man was well–dressed, and he had a clean face. He wore his thin, red hair slicked back. He seemed to tower over everything he was standing next to, except the walls. He caught Geoffrey’s and my attention.

“Hey,” Geoffrey greeted the man.

The tall man looked over at us and smiled. He waved to Geoffrey as he walked around the counselor’s desk. He grabbed about six patients’ charts.

“How’s it going, Geoffrey?” The tall, well-dressed man approached us.

“It’s going,” Geoffrey said. “SSDD. You know how it is.”

The tall man laughed. He put a hand on Geoffrey’s shoulder, gave it a squeeze, and said, “I’ll be seeing you. I’ve got to get back to it.”

Geoffrey said goodbye as the man started back out the double doors. When he was gone, Geoffrey turned back to me.

“That’s the boss,” Geoffrey confessed. “That’s Dr. Pelchat. He runs this place.”

My heart jumped. I hoped Geoffrey didn’t hear it.

“He’s cool,” Geoffrey said. “I hope that, when I am a doctor, I will be as educated as he is.”

I looked at him in awe.

“You want to be a doctor?”

Geoffrey nodded with a proud smile on his face. “Yes, I do. I am a full-time student, all year round, just like you. I work here as a counselor part-time while earning my credits, but I still have a long way to go. I am getting my Masters at the end of the year, and I hope to do well enough that Dr. Pelchat will write a letter of recommendation for me to get into State. That's where I want to earn my Doctorate.”

“How old are you?” I wasn’t in so much of a hurry anymore. I was curious.

“I’m twenty-five. Why?”

I took a deep breath to suppress my shock. “You’re young,” I let slip out of my mouth.

He laughed. “Yeah, so are you. It’s cool that you are home schooling yourself. If I had home schooled, I would have screwed around. You must be very disciplined and focused.”

“Home schooling is hard. Well, it’s better than being in school. This place kind of feels like it used to-” I made myself shut up.

Geoffrey was staring at me. He was good.  He knew how to get me talking. He’d probably learned it in school.

“You know, it’s not so bad, though. Everyone in here is in the same position.”

“So I hear,” I said.

“No, really,” he continued. “You don’t have to feel like an outcast. I know you are having a rough time right now, but nothing is new here. We have seen and dealt with it all. Moreover, if any of these kids have anything to say about anyone else in here, they need to look at themselves. Honestly, though, I doubt anyone will give you a hard time. Besides, you are here at a good time. Since it is summer, you don’t have to go to the classroom.”

“Is there a classroom here?” I almost laughed because I thought that he was kidding. I didn’t let it come out.

“Yes,” he laughed. “There is a classroom here, but it is summer. Therefore, there are no classes. Instead of having study time, you will get to go to the gym, and even outside in the garden. You see, it’s not that bad.”

“No.” I allowed myself to smile at him. “It’s not that bad. Not for prison.”

“Okay, Kristen. You’ll see. It’ll get better. It will get better for you in here and out there too.” He pointed out the window.

My smile disappeared. “Are you sure about that?” I asked as I watched the sun shine in through the window.

“I’m living proof, because I used to be right where you are. I was here at Bent Creek when I was fifteen. I didn’t have a clue. Now, I know where I want to be. I know where I am going. It’s all going to work out.”

His eyes were glowing. He was smiling confidently. It was almost as though he knew he was going to succeed.

I wanted to ask him about his days in Bent Creek, but I didn’t.

“Do you know what you want to do when you graduate?” Geoffrey asked.

I shook my head. “I just need to graduate.”

“That doesn’t look like that was your plan, Kristen.” He gestured to my wrists.

I got up from the table with the empty milk carton and the Styrofoam tray. As I headed for the trash can, Geoffrey got up and followed me. I didn’t want to talk to him. I wished that I hadn’t even started talking to him.

“I’m sorry,” he apologized. “Kristen, please wait.” I tossed my garbage into the trash can. I tried to walk away, but he cornered me. “I’m not trying to be mean to you. I am just kind of shocked to see a very smart and beautiful girl like you in here.”

I stopped breathing. I couldn’t have heard him clearly. Did he really say the word beautiful and refer to me? I felt my stomach turning from the cramps. I heard Mr. Sharp whisper to me. He convinced me that I’d misheard Geoffrey. He reminded me that I was a loser and that Geoffrey didn’t know me.

“Kristen.” Geoffrey looked worried. “Are you all right?”

“Yes,” I told Geoffrey.

“What are you doing in here?” Dr. Cuvo said. Suddenly, he was standing in the doorway. Dr. Cuvo looked at Geoffrey and then he looked at me. I wondered what was running through his mind, because he looked angry.

Geoffrey told Dr. Cuvo that he was about to take me to group therapy so that I could be with my group. He explained that I’d had to have lunch late. Dr. Cuvo seemed annoyed. He was harsh when he told Geoffrey to get me to Group right away. Without argument, Geoffrey hurried me along. I tried to keep some distance behind Geoffrey and me. I followed as Geoffrey led me to my group meeting.  I didn’t want him to start talking to me again about being beautiful or school or my future. I didn’t want to hear it or think about it.

“Here we are,” he said as we came up to the door.

“Thanks, bye,” I said. I opened the door and entered the room quickly. Shutting the door, I found all eyes on me. I suddenly wanted to be on the other side of that door with Geoffrey.

I saw Tai laughing at me. She covered her ugly, yellow smile. It must have been the embarrassing and scared look on my face.

“Come on in and sit down, Kristen,” Dr. Bent said.

I sat down in the chair next to Daniel, since it was the closest empty chair. Daniel was messing with his shoelaces. It must have been some kind of bored habit of his. He seemed to play with his shoelaces in almost every group we had.

Dr. Bent turned to me.  “We are doing Coping Skills Group right now. Before you came in, Kristen, we were going around the room and sharing a few facts about ourselves, including what brought some of us to Bent Creek. Tai was just about to share. Tai?”

Tai glared at Dr. Bent.

What were their private therapy sessions like? I wondered.

“Hmm,” Tai hummed. “What do I say? I’m Tai. I’m eighteen. I am here because my step-mom made me come.”

“Why do you think it is your step-mother’s fault that you are here?” Dr. Bent asked.

Tai looked down at the floor. It seemed like she was trying to hold back her anger.

“She just wants my dad to herself. She hates it when I am around,” Tai answered.

“Didn’t your father agree that you should be here?”

“He only agreed because that wench told him to put me here!” Tai yelled. “She told him that she found pills and needles in my room. He put me in here to lock me up, and he left. They don’t care!”

“Calm down, Tai,” Dr. Bent said calmly. “Your dad wants you to get help. This is far from being locked up. You’re not sitting in some jail cell, vomiting and pissing all over yourself while you are trying to come down cold from drugs. Believe me. It is not even close to anything like that here. You are in the Holiday Inn of psychiatric care. It could be long-term for you, but it’s not to hurt you. You know this, Tai.”

Tai let her tears fall into her hands. “Well, I wish he hadn’t done this to me,” she said.

“Your father loves you. That is why you are here. He didn't do this to hurt you. We are here to help you,” Dr. Bent assured her.

The whole room was watching her. Even Janine was listening and really taking all of that in. She reached out and touched Tai’s hand. Tai grabbed her hand and squeezed.

Tai said, “It’s just embarrassing.”

I realized that Dr. Cuvo and Geoffrey were right. We were all in the same position here. We all got embarrassed and we were all in here, in need of the doctors’ care. I wanted to grab Tai’s hand and squeeze it too.

Dr. Bent leaned toward Tai. “You’re not the only person in here who has done drugs. You are not the only one who is embarrassed about being here. You are all here because you are all getting help. You will get through this, Tai.”

Tai agreed by nodding her head. She wiped her eyes and smiled. She seemed relieved to have been able to express herself. She seemed even more relieved and comforted when Janine squeezed her hand. After a comforting moment of silence, Dr. Bent looked at Janine.

“You’re up, kid,” Dr. Bent said.

Janine looked dumbfounded. “Me?” She pointed to herself.

“Yes,” Dr. Bent answered her.

“Oh, okay.” She paused and looked at us. Her cheeks turned pink when she saw Daniel’s eyes fixed on her. “Everybody knows me. I’m Janine.”

Tai and a few of the others, including Daniel, chuckled.

I shifted in my chair, uncomfortable and impatient. I wanted so badly to be lying down in my bed. I wanted to be away from everyone.

“I am here because I have to start eating my food, and so I have had a hard time, but it will be fine. Someone else can talk now. I am finished.” Janine leaned back and kicked her feet up in the air. She seemed nervous and jittery.

Dr. Bent turned her attention to Cadence, who had been sitting in a corner with her strange doll, staring silently at the ceiling. She didn’t notice when Dr. Bent called out to her the first time. A girl in our group reached out and tapped Cadence on her knee. It seemed as if Cadence nearly jumped out of her skin. Cadence calmed down when she realized where she was. But she didn’t seem too comfortable while everyone was laughing at her.