Her First Vacation (5 page)

Colin didn’t exactly know what made him stop after he’d
taken only one step away from her. He turned around and called her name. She
looked back at him, and he heard himself issuing an invitation.
“How about the same time tomorrow?”

She stared at him for a moment,
then
nodded. “Okay. I’ll meet you at the same place.”

She turned and walked away, leaving Colin standing there
wondering why he’d just made a date with a woman he knew he ought to stay away
from. It was obvious that she was trouble. He found himself losing
concentration when he was around her. He’d told her the truth about his family,
for God’s sake! That kind of stupid screw up could get him killed. Any green rookie
knew better than to drop his cover for even an instant. The more he thought
about it, the more he realized that Claire Abernathy was the very antithesis of
the cover he’d cultivated. He’d known about Garret Palmer’s habits before he
ever set foot on the ship, and he’d deliberately set out to portray himself as
the same kind of man. He wanted to establish a sense of camaraderie with
Palmer. He knew the man would appreciate another womanizer.
Which
was why Colin had made certain to spend time with several of the women he’d met
on the boat.
And Palmer had noticed. He’d shot Colin a knowing grin just
the night before as he hooked his arm around a pert blonde and led her away.

Palmer was starting to think that Colin might be a kindred
soul. He’d lose that notion,
though,
if he thought
Colin was going after Claire. Because she was hardly the kind of woman any
self-respecting womanizer would want. If he had half a brain, he’d forget their
breakfast date tomorrow. He’d forget Claire Abernathy altogether. He ought to
go after Janine or Angela. Not Cathy since Colin had already guessed that
Garret wanted her for himself. He didn’t want to alienate the man by getting in
his way. The smart thing to do would be to find
himself
a nice, hot little airhead to pass the time with. He turned and walked away,
determined to take his own advice.

CHAPTER THREE

Claire woke especially early the following morning. She
spent way too much time in the bathroom, trying to figure out something new to
do with her hair. She didn’t dare leave it loose. The ship was moving again,
and she knew what the wind would do to the heavy mass. It was very thick with a
touch of natural wave. A good, stiff breeze was all it took to turn it into
something akin to a living thing. Finally, she settled for braiding it and
leaving the braid hanging down her back. It wasn’t much of a change, but she
had no other ideas. It took her almost half an hour to decide what to wear. By
the time she finally left her room she was in danger of being late, something
she’d never been in her life. Once she reached the spot by the railing where
she and Colin had met the day before, she had to force herself not to pace back
and forth. It was absurd. She’d spent the entire day and half the night before
listing the seemingly countless reasons why she shouldn’t get too attached to
Colin Montgomery. It couldn’t go anywhere. She knew that. But all the mental
expounding didn’t seem to do much good, because here she was feeling like a
schoolgirl going on her first date. She gripped the railing as she ordered
herself to settle down.

Twenty-five minutes later she was plenty settled down. She
was, in fact, on the verge of tears and furious with herself for it. He wasn’t
coming. She shouldn’t be surprised by it. She’d probably bored him to death the
morning before. Or she’d scared him off with her almost uncontrollable
neediness. She was pathetic, and she couldn’t remember how she’d gotten that
way. What man would want to be with a woman who was so obviously
self-conscious? She closed her eyes and took several deep breaths. She had to
do something about it. She had to find a way to forget how much her mother and
sister outshined her and focus
instead on her own admirable
attributes. So she was no beauty. Lots of women weren’t drop-dead gorgeous. She
was smart, though, and strong. She could change her own flat tires and even the
oil in her car. She could convince a classroom full of children to learn
anything she taught them. She ought to at least be able to meet a man’s gaze
without feeling like running away.

She opened her eyes and stared out at the horizon. Maybe
the cruise had been a poor choice. It was far outside the realm of her typical
world. But she was starting to realize that something was going to have to
change. She’d spent too long catering to the fleeting whims of her mother and
sister. She not only let them take her for granted, she allowed them to get
away with making her a running joke between them. Diane, especially, enjoyed
tormenting her. She allowed it because she kept telling herself they were her
family, that
she needed them and that deep down, they loved
her in spite of their apathy towards her feelings. She was wrong, though. She’d
told Colin that she stayed home because she had responsibilities. The truth was
,
she stayed home because it was familiar and the world
wasn’t. She could blame her mother and sister all she wanted to, but the
ultimate responsibility for her unhappiness lay with her. She’d been too afraid
to chance venturing out into the world alone. She was a teacher because she
loved it, but it wasn’t the only thing she enjoyed. Maybe it was time to start
thinking about making a more drastic change than a simple vacation.

The very idea of it sent a chill of uneasiness through her.
She deliberately shoved the fear away. She’d come on this cruise because she
was desperate for a change, and even if it wasn’t turning out to be a dream
vacation, at least it was a break in the monotonous routine of her life. It was
forcing her to re-evaluate her life and the choices she’d made. So what would
happen if she threw caution to the wind and made a real change in her life? She
could move out of the state. Teachers were in demand all over the country. She
knew she’d have no trouble finding another job. Her practical nature reminded
her of the seniority she’d lose, but she resolutely ignored it. So she’d lose
her seniority. So what? She could build it back up just as easily as she had
before.

She started imagining what it might be like to start over.
Someplace where no one knew her mother or sister, where no one would make the
inevitable comparisons between them and her. It was a notion that was almost as
frightening as it was exciting. She imagined telling her mother and sister that
she was leaving, that they would have to start managing their own lives. Free.
That’s what she would be. Free from the unwelcome responsibility of playing
accountant and social secretary to them and free of the daily reminders of her
shortcomings. She closed her eyes once more. It would be heaven.

Colin wasn’t sure what bothered him most. He’d told himself
that the only smart thing to do would be to refrain from spending any more time
alone with Claire Abernathy. Ignoring that wisdom could potentially jeopardize
the job he was trying to do. But every minute that ticked by made him feel
increasingly guilty for standing her up. She was so self-conscious already that
he could only imagine what being stood up by a virtual stranger would do to
her. The more he thought about it, the more he felt like a heartless bastard.
Normally, setting aside his emotions and using people was second nature to him.
It was part of the job. He had to be whoever the job needed him to be. If that
meant being a raging son of a bitch, then that’s who he was. And he was damn
good at it. Maybe that was part of his problem. He’d been living among the scum
of the world for so long, always playing a role that made him blend in with
them, that he was starting to have trouble remembering who he really was
beneath all the filth. Somehow, Claire made him feel cleaner; less tainted by
the years of being whatever kind of twisted bastard he needed to pretend to be.
It was strangely seductive and insanely dangerous. The only smart choice would
be to stay the hell away from her. Trouble was he didn’t want to.

Finally his conscience got the better of him, and he went
looking for her. He didn’t really expect to find her waiting in the place they
were supposed to meet. Any other woman would have been long gone. Yet there she
stood, staring out at the horizon with that same unhappy expression he’d seen
on her face so many times before. He shook his head. He was a fool.

“Claire.”

Her face turned slowly toward him. She would make a
terrible agent. He could see the hurt in her eyes as plain as day. It made him
feel even worse.

“I’m sorry I’m late. I…” What was he going to say? That he
felt like she might screw up his chances of convincing Garret Palmer that he
was a womanizing jackass? And how would he explain that to her?
Sorry, I’m
an undercover agent trying to catch Garret in the act of selling illegal arms
to Central American guerillas, and I think you’re swell, but you’re a little
too homely to blend in with my cover.
Yeah, that would be perfect. He
cleared his throat and lied with practiced skill. “I overslept.”

She stared at him silently. Her mouth didn’t even twitch.
After their conversation yesterday, it should have at least brought a hint of a
smile. She just stared at him for a few seconds,
then
turned to face him fully.

“You don’t need to apologize. I understand.”

“You understand what?”

He saw her flush, but she answered him. “I know I
acted...pathetic yesterday. The truth is
,
I was more
than a little overwhelmed when you asked me to have breakfast with you. Call me
unsociable, but I don’t get out much, especially with a man like you.” Her
blush deepened. “I know you were just being polite, and I appreciate it, truly.
But I don’t expect you to make a date of it. I don’t expect anything from you.”

She gave him a half-hearted smile, and he wondered again
how she could bring herself to put into words things most people wouldn’t even
acknowledge to
themselves
. She’d called herself
pathetic, but that wasn’t how he saw her. She was shy, yes, but hardly
pathetic. He was starting to suspect she was far braver than he was. She
cleared her throat and waved a hand dismissively. “I’ve got to go. I’ll see you
at dinner.”

It took a damned scary amount of self-control to keep
himself
from stopping her. Years of training and
well-developed survival instincts wouldn’t let him speak up, even when he knew
good and well that she was on the verge of tears. He’d hurt her, and he felt
like a bastard. Then again, that’s exactly what he was. It’s what he had to be
if he wanted to do the job he’d come there to do. So he watched her go,
focusing on the way she kept her back straight and her head high. Damn, but she
was an impressive woman. Any other female would be running from the
embarrassment he knew she felt, but Claire Abernathy was not like any other
woman he’d ever met. She was embarrassed and hurt and she still refused to let
it break her down. He turned away, wishing he didn’t have to hurt her even more
than he already had.

Claire refused to allow the tears that had gathered in her
eyes to fall. She was not going to let herself cry over a relationship that
hadn’t ever really existed. Colin might have been nicer to her than any other
man she’d met in a long time, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t just like all
those other men. So he was a little more charming and easily one of the most
handsome men she’d ever met. He was still a man and she’d learned a long time
ago that men did not fall for women like her. They might deign to be friendly,
but they never let it go any further than that. Not unless they were looking
for something other than sex, and what heterosexual man wasn’t strictly focused
on that? He’d passed a little time with her and obviously had his fill of her
company. No doubt she’d bored him to tears, and he was simply too charming to
let her know.

She sighed as she closed the door to her room behind her.
She should have known better than to get her hopes up. She should have never
let herself even think about him. She walked into the bathroom and stared at
her reflection. She was never going to catch the eye of a man like Colin
Montgomery. She was too pale from never getting out in the sun for any real
length of time. She was utterly inept at the sorts of social skills that most
women acquired sometime during puberty. She didn’t have the foggiest notion of
how to arouse a man’s interest by flirting. She’d never had any inherent skill
when it came to makeup and hair and usually wound up looking like a reject from
clown school whenever she tried to dabble with those female trappings.
Everything about her screamed boring, inept old maid. And as if that wasn’t
enough, she clearly had turned into something much too close to pathetic for
comfort. She’d behaved like a love-struck teenager from the moment she’d met
Colin. It was no wonder he didn’t want to spend any more time with her.

She turned away from the mirror. She was so tired of being
the same dull woman she’d always been. She was sick to death of being practical
and responsible. She was tired of being afraid. That thought brought her up
short. What exactly was it that she was so afraid of? Being compared to Diane
and her mother? They were always going to outshine her. She would never come
close to being in their class. But surely that didn’t mean she had to spend the
rest of her life walking in their shadows. So she wasn’t ever going to be
beautiful. So what? Why couldn’t she be who she was without feeling so
inferior?

She instinctively understood that she’d hit upon the crux
of her problem. She never felt good enough. She turned to glare out the balcony
doors. Maybe she wasn’t good enough back home, but this was a different place.
She didn’t have her mother and sister standing over her shoulder to tell her
all the things she wasn’t doing right. Yes, there were beautiful women on the
ship, but they couldn’t care less what Claire did or didn’t do. None of them
was going to harangue her about the out of date style of her swimsuit or the
severity of her hairstyle. Not one person on this ship gave a damn who she was
or even whether she lived or died.