Her First Vacation (9 page)

She started to turn away and he reached out and caught her
arm. When she turned to face him, he shook his head. “You don’t understand a
damn thing.”

He jerked her forward and kissed her. Every rational bone
in his body was screaming at him that he was going way over the line here, but
he didn’t give a damn. The pain in her eyes was more than he could take. He
couldn’t make himself let her leave, believing that he found her boring and
undesirable. He had no doubt whatsoever that he’d regret his impulsiveness, but
he wasn’t able to do it while she was in his arms. When he pushed at her teeth
with his tongue she opened for him without hesitation. The tentative way she
returned his kiss only fired his blood more. He knew damn well that she was
thirty years old, and that was way too old for a woman to still be clinging to
her innocence in this day and age. But knowing Claire the way he did, he knew
it was entirely possible that she was still a virgin. He’d never considered
that a particularly seductive trait since he generally liked the women he took
to his bed to be experienced enough to know how to ask for what they liked and
how to give him what he wanted as well. As he felt the way Claire trembled
against him, though, he was forced to admit that her innocence aroused him to
painful extremes. When he finally ended the kiss she stared up at him with
wide, stunned eyes.

“I’m not ending our relationship because I find you boring.
I’m ending it because I find you anything
but
boring. And believe me
when I tell you that there’s no way in hell that anything good could ever come
of it. You’re a woman who wants and deserves the kind of commitment I’m both
unwilling and unable to make.” He shook his head. “I’m a rambler, Claire. I
always have been, and I always will be. I don’t want either of us to make the
mistake of thinking we could ever be anything more than friends. It would only
lead to you getting hurt.”

Claire was too stunned to say anything at all. He was
implying that he found her attractive. She nearly laughed out loud at the
absurdity of it. What in the world could he find attractive about her?
The mousy hair and almost flat chest?
It had to be some kind
of joke. Only he wasn’t laughing. He wasn’t even smiling. She shook her head.

“This is insane.”

His brows arched. “Why?”

“Because there’s no way you could want me.”

His mouth drew down into a frown. “I’d like to know who convinced
you that you’re so undesirable. There’s nothing wrong with you, Claire, except
your own self-image. You’re so obsessed with your imagined shortcomings that
you don’t see the truth.” He ran his gaze over her. “You’re built like ninety
percent of the models working the runways of every major fashion show in the
world. You’ve got innate grace and more intelligence and charm than most of the
women on this ship. All you need is a little self-confidence and some clothes
that actually fit
you,
and you’d have men falling down
at your feet.”

Her mouth was already open to argue with him when he
grabbed her hand and started leading her away. “Wait! Where are we going?”

He didn’t answer her. He just led her through the ship
until they came to the ship’s spa. There were photos on the walls outside it of
all kinds of different famous models or actresses. They were all advertising
one product or another that was offered in the spa or its salon. Colin
positioned her in front of a small strip of mirror that was intended to be
nothing more than decoration. He turned her to face it,
then
nodded to the nearest photo.

“Look at her. She’s got the same high cheekbones you do,
the same tall, willowy frame.”

Claire felt herself blushing profusely. She started to turn
way. “This is silly.”

Colin moved behind her and took hold of her shoulders,
forcing her to stay where he’d put her. “Look!”

She did because the command in his voice was impossible to
ignore. She looked at the photo, then at herself, then back and forth again and
again. By the time her gaze had shifted half a dozen times she wasn’t feeling
quite as embarrassed. He was right. She didn’t really look like the woman in
the photo, a model who’d graced the covers of dozens of magazines. Her hair was
blonde and her eyes dark, but their bone structure was similar. And as Claire
studied the model’s photo she noticed other things as well. Like the fact that
she didn’t have large breasts or the shapely legs Claire had always envied in
her mother and sister. The model was wearing a skirt that fell well above her
knees and showed off almost the full length of her long, slender legs. She
brought her gaze back to her own reflection as Colin spoke near her ear.

“You are not ugly, Claire. I swear it. You just don’t do
anything to maximize your natural attributes.”

She shifted her gaze from her own face to his. She was five
feet, nine inches tall yet he stood a head taller than her. He was close behind
her with his hands still resting on her shoulders. As he met her gaze in the
mirror she couldn’t help being struck anew by how handsome he was and it
brought on a fresh wave of disbelief. He shouldn’t be interested in her. He
ought to be with a woman like her sister or Cathy.
Beautiful,
vivacious women.
Yet here he stood with her and try as she might, she
couldn’t stop her heart rate from speeding up as that truth slowly began to
settle in. He liked her. He was interested in her the way no man had ever been
interested in her before.

She felt heat begin to spread through her body as she remembered
the way he’d kissed her. She’d kissed before. She’d never felt the kind of
sensations that had tingled through her body as Colin kissed her, though. Nor
had she ever dreamed that any man would ever want to kiss her with that much
passion and fire. She tore her gaze away from the mirror, away from him.
Some part of her kept insisting that it wasn’t real.
None of
it was real. But while she was arguing with herself Colin shifted his position,
coming around to stand directly in front of her. He grasped her chin in one
hand and forced her to meet his gaze.

“I’m sorry that I’m not the kind of man you need. I’m even
more sorry
that there’s enough honor left in me to keep me
from acting on the attraction I feel for you. Believe that I would like nothing
more than to take you to my room right now and show you exactly how much I want
you. But I won’t lead you on like that, because I know it could never go beyond
sex. I’m not the forever after kind of man. I think marriage is for fools, and
that’s not going to change. So it’s better that we put a stop to this thing
between us here and now. Before I do something you’ll spend the rest of your
life regretting.”

His gaze dropped to her mouth for a moment before he leaned
down and placed a light kiss on her lips. Then he turned around and walked away
without another word.

Colin couldn’t believe he’d been so honest with her. But he
hadn’t been able to stop himself from kissing her and forcing her to face the
truth about herself. He’d watched her realize he was right about the
similarities between her and the famous model, and the few moments of awe in
her eyes had made him want to turn her around and kiss her again. When he saw
the uncertainty creep back in her eyes he’d wanted to pull her into his arms
and cradle her against his chest while he went through a list of everything
about her that he found enticing. He wanted to tell her that he was having all
sorts of erotic fantasies about her thick hair and long legs. But more than
anything he wanted to make her believe that she was beautiful. It was starting
to feel like some kind of mission and he could not allow it to become one.
Walking away was the best choice. It sure as hell wasn’t the easy one, though.

Claire wasn’t sure whether she wanted to cry or laugh.
Everything she thought she understood was starting to unravel until she was
left feeling like she’d just stepped off the Tilt-A-Whirl ride at the county
fair. Everything Colin had said to her was spinning around in her head with all
the things her mother and sister had said over the years. She was too thin, too
lanky,
too
drab. Yet Colin compared her with a model
that was generally considered to be one of the most beautiful women in the
world. She kept hearing a little voice inside her head saying it had to be a joke
of some kind. She didn’t want to believe Colin was the kind of man who’d toy
with a woman like that, but it was so difficult to just accept that he was
being completely truthful. She sank onto the edge of her bed as she remembered
the way he’d kissed her. Could that spark of heat and hunger be faked? Surely
he wasn’t that good an actor. And why would he lie, anyway? What could he
possibly have to gain by it?

She felt her hands begin to tremble as she thought about
him telling her he wanted to take her to his room and show her how he felt. He
was saying he found her attractive, that he wanted to take her to bed. Again,
she couldn’t help the disbelieving voice inside her. A dozen unpleasant
memories flooded her. Too many times in the past, men had pretended to want her
when they truly just wanted to get near her sister. Then in college, there had
been a man she allowed herself to care about. She let herself believe she was
in love with him and that he felt the same. She even shared his bed because she
told herself they would be together forever. And then he met Diane. Within a
week he was acting as if Claire had never existed. She covered her face with
her hands. She couldn’t bear that again. She couldn’t stand to let herself care
about a man only to have him drop her like trash the moment her beautiful
sister walked into the room.

A new voice reminded her that Colin neither knew Diane, nor
would likely meet her at any point in the future. He’d expressly said that he
wasn’t interested in any kind of long-term relationship. He wouldn’t be a part
of her life no matter what happened on this ship. She slowly let her hands fall
into her lap. He could be hers without ever once laying eyes on her sister. The
trembling in her hands started moving into the rest of her body.
Everything within her rebelled at the idea of such an affair.
Colin was right about her. She wasn’t the kind of woman who could share her
body with a man and then just walk away as if it didn’t mean anything. But
maybe that was part of her problem. Maybe what she needed was to do away with
some of her inhibitions. She’d spent the past fifteen years of her life living
in the shadow of her own self-imposed exile from life. Maybe it was time for
her to finally stop hiding behind her fear of never measuring up to her mother
and sister.

She turned her head and met her own gaze in the mirror over
the dressing table a few feet away. She studied her features, struggling to be
truly objective in the face of a lifetime of skewed perspective. She stood up
and turned to fully face the mirror. Then she lifted the hem of her skirt and
studied her legs. They were slim, yes, but not the toothpicks her sister often
described them as. They weren’t without curves. She let the skirt fall again
and studied her overall appearance. The clothes were too big. They hung loosely
on her frame, making her look especially angular and thin, as if she’d lost
weight and just not bothered to buy new clothes. Her hair might as well have
been non-existent since she always kept it pulled back. It gave her face an
almost gaunt look, like some dour old maid in a period film. She met her gaze
once more. What would happen if she changed it all?

Claire was picking at the salad she’d ordered for lunch
when she heard a familiar laugh. Her gaze went toward the sound involuntarily,
and it only took a few seconds to locate him. Her heart did an odd little flip
as her eyes scanned his smiling face. Then her stomach clenched when she
spotted who he was smiling at. Janine. She was standing too close to Colin’s
side and cocking her head a little as she looked up at him. It was a move
Claire recognized instantly.
Coy, yet suggestive.
She’d seen her sister do it countless times. Just behind Janine stood Garret
and another woman Claire didn’t recognize. She was definitely the kind of woman
who knew how to show herself off, though. Claire wondered if she’d deliberately
bought a shirt that was two sizes too small or if it was supposed to fit her
like a second skin.

She watched the foursome as the maître d' seated them. The
two women walked in front of the men and as Claire watched them, she saw Garret
lean over to say something to Colin. His gaze went to Garret’s companion, and
his mouth curved up in a salacious smile. Then he turned and said something to
Garret that brought an audible laugh. Claire felt her frown deepen. She had no
idea what Colin had said, but every instinct she possessed suggested that it
hadn’t been in good taste. There was something about the look on his face and
the nature of his smile that made it
appear
...sleazy
for lack of a better word. She didn’t expect to see that in Colin. Garret, yes,
because he was the kind of man who took every woman strictly at face value. He
liked attractive women and made no pretense of hiding it. He was a womanizer
and apparently proud of that fact. But Colin didn’t truly seem to be the same.
Or was he? Was it possible that he was every bit the womanizer Garret was,
though without the openness?

She didn’t like the way that thought made her feel. She was
glad when the maître d' finally seated them around a corner and out of her
sight. She wasn’t sure how she’d feel about coming face to face with Colin
right now. So she abandoned her salad and left the dining room, all the while
trying to reconcile the behavior she’d just witnessed with the man she’d
thought Colin to be. By the time dinner rolled around, she wasn’t any closer to
figuring out which man was the real one. She sat in her usual place and was, as
usual, ignored by everyone except Colin. His gaze locked on her the moment he
came into the room, and she felt her pulse rate jump in response. His eyes
stayed on her as he approached the table, and it took every ounce of strength
she possessed to keep her gaze locked with his. In the end, she wasn’t the one
to break the eye contact. Colin shifted his gaze off her when Janine called out
to him. The smile that lit his face made Claire ache.