Her Lone Cowboy (13 page)

“How did you get these?” she asked finally, looking up.

“The explosion that took off my arm also sent little pieces of shrapnel everywhere. I got peppered.”

What atrocities had he seen? She could only imagine what it had been like in the theater of battle. “You’ve never said much about that day.”

“What was the point?” His voice was quiet, husky. “It was early in the morning, before dawn. Things had been quiet for days. It happened so fast, and I was asleep. I pulled on my combats and grabbed my rifle. Three of my men were pinned down. I went in to help. Then the grenade went off. I hadn’t put on my vest.”

A muscle pulsed in his jaw. “It was a stupid mistake, careless. I knew better. I was an officer, for God’s sake. Not some green kid on their first deployment.”

Lily could see it playing out in her head and suddenly things became clearer. Did Noah blame himself for making a mistake? She hated that he doubted himself for even a second. He was only human. “And the men?”

“Finished their deployment safe and sound. I think they made it home ahead of me, actually.”

“So you saved them.”

Her hands rested on his chest, feeling the rise and fall of his breathing, the beating of his heart that accelerated beneath her touch. He’d sacrificed himself. And the fact that her hands on his skin seemed to cause his body to respond sent a thrill through her.

“No. I screwed up and got lucky,” he murmured.

“Would it have changed anything? If you’d had it on?”

He was silent for a long moment. “I suppose not. It wouldn’t have saved my arm. But I still have to live with the marks, always reminding me, you know?”

She leaned forward the slightest bit and pressed her lips to one of the scars, closing her eyes and wishing she could make it go away.

“You don’t have to pretend, Lily.” He quivered beneath her lips and hands. “I saw your face.”

“I am not pretending anything.” She lifted her face to him, determined he know the truth. Knowing he
deserved
the truth. “Whatever you think you saw, you’re wrong. I am not disgusted, Noah Laramie.” She swallowed thickly, overwhelmed by her emotions. “I am in awe.”

“In awe?” He cleared his throat, stepping away from her a little, his lips dropping open in surprise. “Don’t be ridiculous.”

But she nodded, surprised at the soft sound of her voice as she spoke the absolute truth—in a way she had never spoken to another man before. “I
am
in awe of you. Of your strength, and your courage, and your compassion. It hurts me to know you think so little of yourself that you hid from me. You never have to hide from me, Noah. Don’t you know that now?”

She reached out and ran her fingers over the rough skin,
heard his sharp intake of breath and smiled softly. “You’re beautiful, Noah.”

“Lily…”

The lump in her throat grew until she could hardly speak. “You’re beautiful to me,” she whispered. And held her breath, knowing that he was everything she hadn’t wanted. And that despite it she wanted him more than she wanted breath. More than she’d wanted anything in her entire life.

Noah wrapped his arm around her, tucking her head against his shoulder. How had this happened? He was in love with her. He’d never been in love with anyone in his life. He’d never wanted to be. And she’d blustered her way in with her pragmatic ways. Lily had never said a single word she hadn’t meant. So he knew she meant what she said now.

And it was just his luck that when he finally fell into something so impractical, he had no idea where his life was going. The well-ordered path he’d set for himself was gone, obliterated in the dust of his injury.

“I love you, Lily.”

Where the words came from, he had no idea. But they fell off his lips like a blessing.

Lily stepped out of his embrace and stared at him, her eyes wide. But not with pleasure, he noted bitterly, absorbing the unexpected hit. Her eyes were wide with dismay and denial, and he wondered if he’d been wrong about her always telling the truth. Had she only said what she had to make him feel better?

Was she capable of that? He couldn’t, wouldn’t believe that of her.

“You can’t love me.” Her voice was a harsh rasp in the quiet room as she shook her head.

He clenched his teeth together, disappointed that the one time in his life he’d said those three words to any woman they were not reflected back. “I can love you. And I do. But
whether or not you accept it is up to you.” The words came out cold, flat, as she stepped away from him.

This was why he’d never gone in for the whole relationship and feelings thing. In the army, he knew what was expected of him, and what he’d get in return. Love was another matter. It was fickle and unpredictable. Like right now.

“If you’re better, I should go.” Lily’s face was pale now, as she skirted around him to retrieve her purse. He marveled at how something so intense could change a hundred and eighty degrees in the blink of an eye. Moments later she went out the door.

He let her go.

He had let himself get caught up in the moment, and he’d shown his hand. You couldn’t force someone to love you. And you couldn’t force someone to stay. Gerald’s and Julie’s failures had taught him that.

He’d been a fool to think, even for a moment, that this would be any different.

L
ILY STARED AT THE RAIN
dripping down the kitchen window. She stirred the hot chocolate in her mug, sipping the rich drink occasionally when the thought occurred. The remnants of a batch of chocolate chip cookies sat in a tin. She felt slightly ill and pushed the container away.

Noah had said he loved her.

She braced her forehead on the back of her hand. What a horrible mess. He wasn’t supposed to have feelings. She was supposed to be the one with feelings, and they were supposed to be curable. She had been so certain it had only been a few kisses and friendship on his part. But not love. What kind of future could they have?

Noah was already married. To the army. She’d known it from the beginning. Each day she realized it more. When she saw him recovering. Heard him talking. As her own feelings had deepened, it had been her comfort, her protection. He couldn’t have two loves, and she knew his first love was always the service.

Until two days ago. When she saw his scars and realized how truly and deeply she’d fallen.

When the doorbell rang she jumped, sloshing chocolate over the side of the mug and onto the tablecloth. Perhaps it
was Jen. She and Andrew had only gone to Montana for a few days of privacy as a honeymoon. The bell sounded again and Lily got up, hoping Jen didn’t ask any questions about why she was in flannel pyjama pants and a T-shirt on a rainy afternoon. She didn’t want anyone to know that she was in a funk over a man.

Not just any man. Her best friend’s new brother-in-law. A man who was only in their lives during a pit stop in his career.

But it was Noah on her step when she opened the door, standing under the eaves in full dress uniform. The rain dripped in a steady beat behind him, and Lily paused, momentarily stunned by the sight of him. The soldier, with the proud and tall bearing, his beret creased precisely over his short, dark hair. And there were medals over his heart.

A whole new Noah she hadn’t imagined.

“Can I come in?”

Dumbly she stood aside, opening the door so he could enter. What was he doing here? In a second of brief panic, she thought he was going to announce he was leaving. But it wasn’t time yet, was it? Could it be?

Had he come to say goodbye? She certainly hadn’t given him any reason to stay….

As Lily shut the door, Noah held out his hand. In it was a bouquet of sweet peas, deep pink and purple. “No lilies,” he said quietly. “And no light pink.”

Lily stared at the blossoms as she took them from his hands. How had he remembered what she’d carried in her bridesmaid bouquet? She was touched by the sentiment despite herself. “I’ll put these in water,” she replied, trying a tentative smile.

Noah reached up and removed his beret, holding it in his hand. His gaze fell on Lily, soft with concern. “Are you feeling okay?”

Lily felt her cheeks bloom. She was in flannel sleep pants
and a blue T-shirt, and her hair was in a messy ponytail with bits coming out of it. She looked a fright. Not a bit of makeup graced her face. And she was sure her eyes had dark circles beneath them as she hadn’t been sleeping well, either. The last thing she wanted was for him to guess the truth—that she was moping over him. “I’m fine. Just lazy on a rainy day, that’s all.”

“You’re sure?”

“I’m sure.”

She went down the hall to the kitchen in search of a vase while Noah took off his boots. She took advantage of the few extra moments to put away the tin of cookies and roll the chocolate-soiled tablecloth into a ball, tossing it into the laundry room. As his footsteps came closer to the kitchen, she hurriedly pulled out her scrunchie and twisted her hair around, forming a coil and anchoring it with the elastic.

He stood at the entrance to the room, and she wished, if he were going to say goodbye, he would just do it and get it over with.

“You’re in your uniform.” Immediately she felt foolish for stating the obvious, but a small smile curved his lips slightly.

“And you’re in your pyjamas.”

He stepped forward, moving to stand before her so that she had to tilt her head back to see his face. She had promised herself that she would keep her distance. But now, looking up into his face, it almost felt as though she was begging for his kiss. Which wasn’t too far from the truth.

His thumb touched the corner of her mouth. “And you’ve got a bit of chocolate right here.”

The spot burned where he touched, and her lips fell open as her chest cramped. Desire began its insistent throb, and she grabbed onto the word
chocolate
to try to distract herself from the way his hand felt against her skin. “I made cookies,” she breathed. “Would you like one?”

“No, thank you.”

The pause filled out, growing with unsaid words until Lily could stand no more. What was he doing here? Why was he in his uniform? Was this the end? If so, why wasn’t she feeling relief? Why did the thought of him going back to his life leave her with an empty hole of dread in the pit of her stomach?

“Where have you been, all dressed up?”

“A funeral in Drumheller.”

The lightbulb flashed on in Lily’s mind. “The soldier from the news the other day.”

He nodded.

It had been in the papers and on the television the day of the rehearsal, she remembered. But he had said nothing to her about it, and she had assumed he did not know the young corporal who had been killed. But that wasn’t the case at all. She realized he’d kept her out of that side of his life completely. The same way he’d hidden his scars from her.

“But you didn’t say anything at the wedding.”

“What would have been the point?”

“But you knew him?”

“He was in second battalion. I’m a captain in the regiment. It was my duty to go since I was able.”

A captain in the regiment. Clearly, he had been motivated by duty—the same duty that would take him back to the forces. Lily was suddenly grateful she hadn’t echoed Noah’s sentiments back at him the other night. She’d been so tempted. The words had been there, right on the tip of her tongue, scaring her to death. It would only have made everything more difficult, though, in the end. And watching him go away was going to be hard enough.

And yet she couldn’t find it within herself to be bitter about it. Noah was different from Curtis, or the father she’d never
known. If he left, it was for the right reasons, not because he was weak. No, it was just the opposite. It was his strength, his convictions that would take him away. He’d never once pretended otherwise.

“I’m sorry,” she murmured, turning away and picking up her mug of now-cold chocolate. She dumped it down the sink and ran water to rinse out the mug. “It must have been difficult for you.”

“It’s always difficult. Worse for the families, though.”

And that, Lily reasoned, was exactly why she had to let him go. Easier to lose him now, after a few weeks. Because she knew Noah would never be happy unless he was in the thick of things. The army was his Big Adventure. And she couldn’t bear being the one left behind. It was a world he chose not to share with her. In all the weeks they’d known each other, she’d never even seen his uniform until today. He’d shut her out of that part of his life. Maybe he had said he loved her, maybe he’d even thought he meant it.

But loving someone meant sharing. And he had never asked her to share in his world.

Nor had he asked for Lily to share hers.

“Why don’t you come in and sit down?” She led the way to the living room and sat in a single chair, leaving the sofa for him. Sitting beside him would be too tempting. She would want to touch him. To sit close by him. She would lose her resolve, her perspective, if she let him too close. At least in the single armchair she had some level of protection from his touch, had a hope of remaining logical.

He perched on the edge of the sofa, placing his beret on his knee and toying with the edge. In the silence, she realized he looked exactly as she pictured officers would look when they were about to deliver bad news. Irritation flared. She wished he would just get on with it. But despite her sloppy
appearance, she wanted him to see her composed, so she locked the annoyance away and prayed for calm.

“I haven’t seen you in uniform before.” She folded her hands atop her knee. “Does it feel good to be back in it again?”

Noah wrinkled his eyebrows, as if she was a puzzle he was trying to solve. “A little. Lily I came here to—”

“You’ve made such great improvement.” She cut him off, forcing a smile. She didn’t want to hear the words yet. “I bet you can’t wait to get back to the service now that the wedding is over and you’re healing so well.”

Noah’s chin flattened and he straightened his back. Whatever he’d started to say was gone, she realized.

“Yes, the doctor said I’ll be getting my prosthetic soon.”

“That’s wonderful.” She tried to picture him with an artificial limb, but it wouldn’t gel. No, to her he’d always be Noah in faded jeans and a pair of dusty cowboy boots with his shirtsleeve pinned up. That was her Noah. Not this stranger in a pressed and precise uniform. She didn’t know how to speak to this man, so official and somber. “Have you found out when you go back to work?”

Again his expression was impossible to read. It amazed her how he could do that. There had been so many times she’d seen his feelings and thoughts so clearly, and yet other times when he was able to close himself off. She held her breath waiting for the answer, hating how awkward and heavy the air felt in the room.

“Anxious to get rid of me?” He raised one eyebrow coolly.

If only it were that simple. She laughed lightly, without her heart being in it. Anxious for him to leave? Never. But needing for it to happen so she could move on? Absolutely. “You’ve made a point of letting everyone know these few months were just a stop in the road. The army is your life.”

“It has been, yes.”

“So what now? You said before you’d have to talk to someone about what role your service would take, right?”

Noah got up off the sofa abruptly and went to the fireplace, his back to her. Lily’s heart stuttered, struck by the clean, starched lines of his uniform, the gold stripes on his sleeve standing out in bright relief from the dark green. She needed him to just make the break, to walk away as she knew he would. He seemed a stranger to her now, and she missed his grumpiness almost as much as she missed how easily he’d smiled the past few weeks. That man was gone. Perhaps the one before her now was the man he’d been all along. Maybe this was the real Noah and she’d fallen for a fantasy.

“I have some options,” he replied. Then he turned, tucking his beret beneath his right arm, close to his body. “Lily, about what I said the other night…”

“You don’t have to explain.” She tried to make the smile sincere, but couldn’t, not when it hurt just to see him again. “It was a rough night. I understand.”

His lips thinned. “You think I didn’t mean it?”

The last thing she wanted was for him to take back the words. The only thing that would be worse would be hearing him pretend to mean them. He couldn’t, not really. It occurred to her that she didn’t know him nearly as well as she thought she did.

“You were hurting. And it was very emotional, Noah. For both of us. This whole time has been, don’t you think?” It certainly had been for her. She hadn’t planned on falling in love with him, either. But looking at him only reinforced her decision. She could not be an army wife. She wasn’t the kind of woman who could keep the home fires burning and be happy. She wasn’t the kind of woman who could handle a husband keeping a major part of his life separate from hers. She needed total commitment. She needed to feel like a part of his
world, not an appendage to it. She had spent too many years tagging along at the mercy of her mother’s life to do it again.

And he needed someone who could stand behind him. She wasn’t sure she could be that strong. Not and still be happy. She would hate being the one left behind, wondering where he was, feeling alone. She knew it as surely as she was breathing. And whatever feelings they had, even if it was love—would be poisoned by it.

“I’ve done nothing but think since you left. About you, about the army, about life…”

“Noah…” She stood, unsure of where he was going, but getting a bad feeling that she wasn’t going to like what was coming next.

He stepped forward and grabbed her hand, squeezing her fingers. “I meant what I said, Lily. I love you. I certainly didn’t expect it or want it, but I won’t pretend otherwise, either.” He lifted her fingers and pressed them to his cheek. She fought against wanting to believe him and needing to remain objective. He loved her despite himself. She needed more. She needed everything. Even when she doubted everything even existed.

“You have always been honest with me, from the first day when you told me to stop being a baby and accept some help. I can never repay you for all you’ve done. Never.”

She slipped her hand off his cheek, touched beyond words but with a frisson of fear at hearing him declare his love again. A love out of gratitude? It felt hollow, false. “I don’t want you to feel obligated.”

“It has nothing to do with obligation, Lily, don’t you see?” He refused to give up. “I know it’s sudden, but you…the things you said, the way you touched me when you saw my scars…Lily, that was extraordinary. You are extraordinary. I understand that you are afraid. But I don’t want to let you go.”

She blinked, feeling as if held hostage by her own love, responsible for his feelings and terrified of meeting him halfway. He had been through so much, and she had been there for him. She’d wanted to be. But was it enough to base a life together on? She already knew the answer.

He took her hand again. “Will you marry me, Lily?”

Lily felt none of the excitement that should accompany such a proposal. All she felt was dread and disappointment and a very real fear of what her answer must be. The deep blue of his eyes was bright with hope, the touch of his hand on hers earnest and true. But what would her life become? She’d made her home here. She was happy, wasn’t she? And with Noah, she would have to move. Give up her job, a job she loved. And even if he didn’t travel for work or go overseas, there would be changes in posting and having to start all over again. A new job, new people, each time withdrawing further into herself. He would have his life in the army. And she would be invisible.