Her Lover (88 page)

'No matter, for the lord has furnished me with a well-stocked purse,' said Michael.

'When I see money spent, I feel ill,' said Mattathias, 'even if it's somebody else's money.'

'I do believe that what reconciles our Mattathias to the thought of dying is that when he's dead he won't have to pay any more taxes,' said Naileater. 'Moreover, I know why he never keeps spices in his house: it's because if he suddenly succumbed in the dread arms of the angel of death there would be some salt or pepper left, and that would be a waste, money down the drain! By the by, Michael, what is my role in this affair, and why was I not given authority to parley with the heatheness?'

'It is none of my doing if the lord preferred to enlist the support of a fine figure of a man, one who is a connoisseur of oglements.'

'But what do I stand to gain from a business which may possibly cost me my honour?'

'The lord will surely give you thousands.'

'In that case, count me in, lost honour and all,' said Naileater. 'Anyway, what is a sense of honour if not the despicable fear of what people might say, a truth which makes the tragedies of Corneille look pretty damned silly! But if there are bags to be carried, I shall not carry them. It would demean my standing as a man of intellect.'

He yawned, cracked the knuckles of both hands, and wondered if it was worth digging a trench so as to give the husband a run for his money if he decided to attack. But his optimism was restored by the discovery of a remnant of nougat, and he began chanting a psalm in his resonant voice, beating time with his large bare feet.

'All the same,' said Solomon, rubbing his nose, 'all the same, it's not right. If she were just some slip of a girl and there was marrying business in the air, then even if the parents were against it
Vd
say aye! But she's already married!'

'Furthermore,' said Mattathias, 'if she were to come into money from some old aunt, he wouldn't stand to gain a penny, since in the eyes of the law they wouldn't be married!'

'You could let me handle the case,' said Naileater.

'What? And see all the money vanish into your pocket!' said Michael.

Naileater gave a smug leer and roguishly made corkscrews in his beard with his finger. Yes, perhaps he might well make the money vanish into his pocket, and why not? All the best lawyers did it, for God's sake! But then he grew bored, stared at his veined and hairy hands, and yawned gloomily. What was he doing here playing second riddle in these green pastures reserved for the use of the lowly, grazing beasts of the field?

'The ideal solution,' said Solomon, 'would be if the lord were to run away instead with the husband, on the best of terms, like friends, go touring, and the two of them could enjoy themselves, spend their time together in honest pursuits, that's what I say, speaking as a good Jew. Who needs women?' he added, with scant thought for the logic of his train of thought.

'Sometimes you say quite sensible things, O sprout of the bean,' said Naileater. 'My friends, what would you say if we could earn ourselves a sackful of moral credit by redirecting this young woman's feet into the paths of virtue? This we would do by dangling a choice plum in front of her.'

'Has your brain curdled?' said Solomon indignantly. 'You're not suggesting that she'd ever give up her heart's delight for a plum! You can't seriously believe that to a handsome lord she would prefer a ripe victoria or a juicy greengage?'

'A figure of speech,' said Naileater with all the weariness of the man of superior intellect.

'For my own part,' said Mattathias, 'I say categorically that to make her forget Saltiel's nephew we'd need to get her interested in some good, solid commercial or preferably banking proposition, brokered through New York.'

'That's just what I was going to say!' exclaimed Naileater. 'O Mattathias, O you of the red hair, you have taken the idea out of my mouth, where it lay basking in my saliva! A commercial proposition was exactly the kind of plum I had in mind, I swear! No, I won't swear, because it's God's truth! O companions in affection and in the length and breadth of time, this is what we shall do, so listen carefully! The instant we see the hussy coming, undulating, anointed with oils of cinnamon and holding her little finger in the air, we shall speak words of censure and make her feel shame for her sinful undulations! And when I have struck her with my prophetic fire I shall stroke my beard and put on my satanic but genial smile, and I shall give a little bow, assume a paternal tone of voice, with just a hint of an English accent to give her confidence, and propose the setting-up of a limited company for the purpose of founding a newspaper carrying advertisements costing one sou per line which we should sell for five francs per issue because the advertisements in it will be so riveting! Naturally the capital will be hers and the idea mine, so fifty per cent of the profits will be for me, twenty for you and thirty for her and her husband! To my sense it's a much more agreeable prospect than reciting poems at her lover-man under three palm-trees in Nice! Now that's my idea of living! And let's have an end to all those obnoxious embracings in tierce with grapple and follow-through!'

'It's not a bad idea at all,' said Mattathias, stroking his ginger goatee with his harpoon. 'And I do believe, Naileater, that she'd be even more interested if the paper were to charge an extra ten per cent every time an advertisement produced a positive result.'

Sitting on the grass, rinsed blue by the moon, Mattathias and Naileater argued at length before compromising on a figure of five per cent. Then it was settled, declared Naileater. As soon as the heatheness arrived, he would stand up, put the proposition to her with full panoply of moral argumentation, and would surely win her over! So it would all turn out well, and, instead of foolishly running away after love, she would join forces with the Valiant and her husband, and even, if she insisted, with lord Solal, and start up a profitable newspaper business with telephone and headed stationery, and that would put a stop to all this preposterous love business! Any losses would of course be borne by the husband, and the newspaper would have an all-white telephone, because the shameless jade was mad about poetry! What else could she possibly want? She would even be appointed Chairwoman of the Board of Directors and have her name printed on the headed stationery, as long as it was understood that only he could sign! Furthermore, they would get her to buy a refrigerated railway truck which she could then hire out to the countries of Europe! There were millions to be made that way! Enthusiastic but bashful, Solomon spoke up and suggested that the lady herself might be invited to recast the advertisements as verse, which would prevent her brooding and to some extent be a substitute for the pleasures of love. Michael, a connoisseur of the female heart, hummed and yawned and let the ignoramuses burble on.

'And do you know what I'll do after Saltiel's nephew has been deserted by his poetess?' said Naileater. 'I'll send a wire to my two daughters telling them to come, and, smiling irresistibly, I'll put it to him that he might care to choose one to be his lawful companion in life, either would do, I don't mind which, as long as he says yes to one of them! And then I'll be his father-in-law, and just think of the lovely cushy job I'll be able to wangle for myself in the famous League of Nations! Just you wait! When you come to see me in my office, I'll be sitting at my desk with a telephone to my ear, giving orders right and left, hat tipped to one side, large as life! And my office will be next door to my own son-in-law's!'

'Don't be absurd,' said Michael. 'You don't think that he's going to give up so easily on this choice piece of mattress-fodder, young and supple and supplied with all the curves a man could ask for? You don't seriously think he'd look twice at either of your daughters, not even to pick his teeth with?'

Naileater, immediately convinced, sighed. Ah yes, it was quite true, his two long daughters were like a couple of upturned carrots, both as pointed as they were dim, and all they ever did was snivel. Heigh-ho, so it was goodbye to a top job in the League of Nations. His lads, now, were a different kettle of fish altogether from those two stupid girls! He smiled, and his soul went forth to his three lovely boys, and upon a sudden he sensed that some day they would all be roaring millionaires and darlings of Parisian high society, of that there was no doubt. Oh, he would ask nothing of them, not even a farthing in pecuniary assistance, he would let them alone to enjoy their dollars. All he wanted was to see all three richly married, each riding in a long motor car, and then to die in peace. 'Yes, my pretty pearls,' he muttered, and wiped away the figment of a tear. Then he felt hungry.

'My dear Solomon,' he said, 'I don't suppose you have any salted pistachios left which, out of friendship to me and your own natural kindness, you could see your way to donating to my cause?'

'Alas, my dear Naileater, I am pistachio-less: I gave them all to you.'

'In that case, drop dead,' yawned Naileater.

'You don't mean that,' said Solomon with a smile, 'because I know you love me, and last year when I was sick and like to die with a temperature of a hundred and five you sat up all night by my bedside and you even cried, I saw the tears! So there! But tell me, old friend, you who know everything, how does a man get a young woman of unimpeachable morals to understand that he has been pricked by Cupid's dart? I mean, what is the proper procedure and manner of it?'

'Generally speaking, you inform her by registered post, making sure you get a receipt as proof of delivery.'

'But what does one say in the letter?'

'Generally speaking, you say this: "Adorable girl, I have the honour of informing you by the present of today inst. that, beguiled by your modest bearing and the judiciousness of your spoken remarks, I shall, this evening, setting aside all other matters, hasten to deliver my flame by hand to your very own front doorstep."'

'That's not bad,' said Solomon. 'But if it was me I'd rather say that I loved her with all my soul and with intention honourable.'

'And she'd just laugh at you,' said Michael.

'I don't agree,' said Solomon. 'She'd think I was very nice, because girls warm to the respect of an upright heart. And now I'm going to answer another call of nature,' he said in conclusion, and he scurried away.

'Naileater, how did you end your letter?' asked Michael.

'Deliver my flame by hand to your very own front doorstep.'

'Yes, that might do, I suppose. But, if she's married, it would be a good idea to add: "unbeknownst to your clod of a husband", to make her laugh. A woman who laughs is ripe for the plucking. But why bother with a letter at all? Just ask her to dine on strong salted meats, followed by red mullet with chillies and she'll be on fire before you reach the pudding.'

'You are, alas, not far wrong,' said Naileater. '"Fishy dishes and strong salt meat Will fan the flames and raise the heat; For did not Venus, or so they say, Rise from the waves one sunny day?" That's how I put it in my
Treatise of Medical Poetry.
9

'Or else,' said Michael, 'I place a golden guinea between my teeth in her presence and I bite it clean in two, whereupon she goes mad for me. Or again, if I'm dancing with her, I give her to understand by means of a certain manifestation of my physiology that I find her attractive. This never offends women as long as it is accompanied by words of subtle import and bottomless respect.'

'It's true, the blood of the Arab does run in your veins,' said Naileater, suddenly repelled by Michael's thick lips. 'But hold your peace now. Our little friend returns.'

'One o'clock in the morning,' announced Mattathias.

He stood up and said it was more than a man of parts could bear, that he was being roasted on a slow spit by the debt rising remorselessly on the clock which ticked in Helvetic francs. Having extracted a promise of reimbursement from Michael, he wandered over to the taxi-driver, reluctantly handed over the sum registered by the meter,
heartily wished him broken bones on his road to perdition, and furnished him with unexpected details concerning the morals of his female relations, both close and collateral.

CHAPTER 77

Perched atop the hayrick and once more wearing his frock-coat, Naileater, a full metre above the ground, regardless of danger, was discharging the function of lookout. Now shading his eyes with one hand, now peering through his marine telescope, he swept the horizon, ready to give the signal the moment the lady hove into view.

'Land ho!' he cried suddenly in a half-choked voice.

Whereupon Michael hurried into the forest where the two horses had been tethered, while the watchman, gripped by emotion of the strangest kind, carefully climbed down from his hummock. So there was such a thing as love after all, he thought. The tall, beautiful figure now approaching was headed in the direction of happiness, docile and compliant, drawn by the prospect of happiness, was walking towards the happiness of love.

'Atten . . . shun!' he bellowed, and broke wind to clear his mind, to feel at his best, and to ensure that his command of his rhetorical powers was free of all material concerns.

Not wishing to have anything whatever to do with the adulterous she-devil, Mattathias drifted away, while Solomon, whey-faced with shyness but obeying the order, stood motionlessly to attention. When she halted before them, like a statue of youth, the little man's face turned scarlet, he lost his head and he gave a low bow. 'Delighted, Your Excellentness,
,
he managed to say. For his part, Naileater strode nobly forward, kindly-eyed, hand on heart, already putting a value on the ermine wrap which she carried over her arm.

'Sir Pinhas Wolfgang Amadeus Solal,' he said by way of introduction, then removed his hat with a wide gesture, 'my
nom de plume
being Naileater, gentleman of leisure and no stranger to soap, friend of humanity at large and humble relation of lord Solal, whom I dandled on my knee when he was one week old on the occasion of his circumcision, by which I intend no unseemly allusion, that would be entirely misplaced, and in whose name and by the right of proxy invested in me, implicitly or tacitly, as you wish, I bid you welcome in fervent words inspired by the Song of Solomon, chapter six, verse ten, to wit, Who is she that looketh forth as the morning, fair as the moon, clear as the sun and terrible as an army with banners? Or, to put it another way, How do you do? Sir Pinhas, I repeat, honourable gentleman and thinking reed, a man noble in Israel and customarily attired in fashionable tails but tonight in frock-coat only by reason of this sojourn in dank nature's bosom, former vice-chancellor and a galloping consumptive since my tenderest youth! (He manufactured a dramatic gale of coughing and then proceeded, with a smile, to remark upon it, thus:) Proof positive of the truth of my allegations! Furthermore, in a PS, I declare twelve small infants who have been humbly starving to death for many years! In short, behold an unhappy father and gentleman, to suffering condemned!'