Here I Am (51 page)
Authors: Jonathan Safran Foer
“Is it a
g
like
gun
?” he asked. “Or like
ginger
?”
“What's that?”
“The n-word. I don't know how you say it.”
“But you're never going to say it.”
“But I still want to know how.”
“Why?”
“You aren't going to go away again, are you?”
“No,” I said, because I didn't know what to sayâto my child, or to myself.
HOW TO PLAY LOVE
Love is not a positive emotion. It is not a blessing, and it is not a curse. It is a blessing that is a curse, and it is also not that.
LOVE OF ONE'S CHILDREN
is not
LOVE OF CHILDREN
, is not
LOVE OF ONE'S SPOUSE
, is not
LOVE OF ONE'S PARENTS
, is not
LOVE OF ONE'S EXTENDED FAMILY
, is not
LOVE OF THE IDEA OF FAMILY. LOVE OF JUDAISM
is
not
LOVE OF JEWISHNESS
, is not
LOVE OF ISRAEL
, is not
LOVE OF GOD
.
LOVE OF WORK
is not
LOVE OF SELF
. Not even
LOVE OF SELF
is
LOVE OF SELF
. The place where
LOVE OF NATION, LOVE OF HOMELAND
, and
LOVE OF HOME
meet is nowhere.
LOVE OF DOGS
is to
LOVE OF ONE'S CHILD'S SLEEPING BODY
as
LOVE OF DOGS
is to
LOVE OF ONE'S DOG
.
LOVE OF THE PAST
has as much in common with
LOVE OF THE FUTURE
as
LOVE OF LOVE
has with
LOVE OF SADNESS
âwhich is to say, everything. But then,
LOVE OF SAYING EVERYTHING
makes one untrustworthy.
Without love, you die. With love, you also die. Not all deaths are equal.
HOW TO PLAY ANGER
“You are my enemy!”
HOW TO PLAY FEAR OF DEATH
“Unfair! Unfair! Unfair!”
HOW TO PLAY THE INTERSECTION OF LOVE, ANGER, AND FEAR OF DEATH
At my annual cleaning, the dentist spent an unusual amount of time looking in my mouthânot at my teeth, but deeperâhis instruments of pain slowly tarnishing, untouched, on the tray. He asked if I'd been having a hard time swallowing.
“Why do you ask?”
“Just curious.”
“I suppose a bit.”
“For how long?”
“A couple of months?”
“Did you ever mention it to your doctor?”
He referred me to an oncologist at Johns Hopkins.
I was surprised by my instinct to call Julia. We hardly ever spoke anymore: she had long since remarried; the kids were masters of their own logistics, being adults; and as one gets older, there is less and less news to share, until the final piece, which is delivered by someone else. The dialogue in the show is virtually identical to what actually transpired, with
one significant exception: in life, I didn't cry. I screamed: “Unfair! Unfair! Unfair!”
JACOB
It's me.
JULIA
I recognize your voice.
JACOB
It's been a long time.
JULIA
And your number comes up on my phone.
JACOB
As Jacob?
JULIA
As opposed to what?
JACOB
Listenâ
JULIA
Is everything OK?
JACOB
I was at the dentist this morningâ
JULIA
But I didn't make an appointment for you.
JACOB
I've become remarkably capable.
JULIA
Necessity is the ex-wife of capability.
JACOB
He saw a lump in my throat.
Julia starts crying. Each is surprised by her reaction to nothing (yet), and it goes on for longer than either would have imagined or thought bearable
.
JULIA
You're dying?
JACOB
The
dentist
, Julia.
JULIA
You're telling me he saw a lump, and you're calling me.
JACOB
Both a lump and a phone call can be benign, you know.
JULIA
So now what?
JACOB
I have an appointment with an oncologist at Hopkins.
JULIA
Tell me everything.
JACOB
You know everything I know.
JULIA
Have you had any other symptoms? Stiffness in your neck? Difficulty swallowing?
JACOB
Did you go to med school since we last spoke?
JULIA
I'm googling while we talk.
JACOB
Yes, I've had stiffness in my neck. And yes, I've had difficulty swallowing. Now will you please give me your undivided attention?
JULIA
Is Lauren being supportive?
JACOB
You'd have to ask the man she's presently dating.
JULIA
I'm sorry to hear that.
JACOB
And you're the first person I've told.
JULIA
Do the boys know?
JACOB
I told you, you're the firstâ
JULIA
Right.
JACOB
I'm sorry to have laid this on you. I know I haven't been your responsibility for a long time.
JULIA
You were never my responsibility.
(beat)
And you still
are
my responsibility.
JACOB
I won't tell the kids anything until there's something real to tell them.
JULIA
Good. That's good.
(beat)
How are you holding up?
JACOB
I'm fine. He's just a dentist.
JULIA
It's OK to be scared.
JACOB
If he were so smart, he'd be a dermatologist.
JULIA
Have you cried?
JACOB
On November 18, 1985, when Lawrence Taylor ended Joe Theismann's career.
JULIA
Enough
, Jacob.
JACOB
He's just a dentist.
JULIA
You know, I don't think I've ever seen you cry. Other than tears of happiness when the boys were born. Is that possible?
JACOB
At my grandfather's funeral.
JULIA
That's true. You wailed.
JACOB
I wept.
JULIA
But remembering it as the exception provesâ
JACOB
Nothing.
JULIA
All those repressed tears metastasized.
JACOB
Yes, that's exactly what the dentist thought the oncologist will think.
JULIA
Throat cancer.
JACOB
Who said anything about cancer?
JULIA
Throat malignancy.
JACOB
Thank you.
JULIA
Is it too soon to observe how poetic that is?
JACOB
Way
too soon. I haven't even been diagnosed, much less gone through super-fun chemo and recovery only to learn that they didn't get it all.
JULIA
You'll finally have your baldness.
JACOB
I already do.
JULIA
Right.
JACOB
No, really. I went off Propecia. I look like Mr. Clean. Ask Benjy.
JULIA
You saw him recently?
JACOB
He came by on Christmas Eve with Chinese food.
JULIA
That's sweet. How did he look?
JACOB
Enormous. And old.
JULIA
I didn't even know you were on Propecia. But I guess I wouldn't know what pills you take anymore.
JACOB
I've actually been on it for a long time.
JULIA
How long?
JACOB
Around when Max was born?
JULIA
Our
Max?
JACOB
I was embarrassed. I kept them with my cummerbund.
JULIA
That makes me so sad.
JACOB
Me, too.
JULIA
Why don't you just cry, Jacob?
JACOB
Sure thing.
JULIA
I'm serious.
JACOB
This isn't
Days of Our Lives
. This is
life
.
JULIA
You're afraid that letting anything out will leave you open to letting things in. I know you. But it's just the two of us. Just you and me on the phone.
JACOB
And God. And the NSA.
JULIA
Is this the person you want to be? Always just joking? Always concealing, distracting, hiding? Never fully yourself?
JACOB
You know, I was hunting for sympathy when I called.
JULIA
And you killed it without having to fire a shot. This is what real sympathy is.
JACOB
(after a long beat)
No.
JULIA
No what?
JACOB
No, I'm not the person I want to be.
JULIA
Well, you're in good company.
JACOB
Before I called, I found myself askingâliterally asking aloud, over and overâ“Who's a gentle soul? Who's a gentle soul?”
JULIA
Why?
JACOB
I guess I wanted proof.
JULIA
Of the existence of gentleness?
JACOB
Gentleness for me.
JULIA
Jacob.
JACOB
I mean it. You have Daniel. The boys have their lives. I'm the kind
of person whose neighbors will have to notice the smell for anyone to realize he's dead.
JULIA
Remember that poem? “Proof of Your existence? There is nothing but”?
JACOB
God
â¦I do. We bought that book at Shakespeare and Company. Read it on the bank of the Seine with a baguette and cheese and no knife. That was so happy. So long ago.
JULIA
Look around, Jacob. There is nothing but proof of how loved you are. The boys idolize you. Your friends flock to you. I bet womenâ
JACOB
You? What about you?
JULIA
I'm the gentle soul you called, remember?
JACOB
I'm sorry.
JULIA
For what?
JACOB
We're in the Days of Awe right now.
JULIA
I know I know what that means, but I can't remember.
JACOB
The days between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur. The world is uniquely open. God's ears are, His eyes, His heart. People, too.
JULIA
You've become
some
Jew.
JACOB
I don't believe any of it, but I believe in it.
(beat)
Anyway, it's during these ten days that we're supposed to ask our loved ones to forgive us for all of the wrongs we committedâ“knowingly and unknowingly.”
(beat)
Juliaâ
JULIA
He's just a dentist.
JACOB
I am so sincerely sorry for any times that I knowingly or unknowingly wronged you.
JULIA
You didn't
wrong
me.
JACOB
I did.
JULIA
We made mistakes, both of us.
JACOB
The Hebrew word for
sin
translates to “missing the mark.” I am sorry for the times that I sinned against you by small degrees, and I am sorry for the times that I sinned against you by running directly away from what I should have been running toward.
JULIA
There was another line in that book: “And everything that once was infinitely far and unsayable is now unsayable and right here in the room.”
The silence is so complete, neither is sure if the connection has been lost
.
JACOB
You opened the door, unknowingly. I closed it, unknowingly.
JULIA
What door?
JACOB
Sam's hand.
Julia starts to cry, quietly
.
JULIA
I forgive you, Jacob. I do. For everything. All that we hid from each other, and all that we allowed between us. The pettiness. The holding in and holding on. The measuring. None of it matters anymore.
JACOB
None of it ever mattered.
JULIA
It did. But not as much as we thought it did.
(beat)
And I hope that you will forgive me.
JACOB
I do.
(after a long beat)
I'm sure you're right. It would be good if I could let my sadness out.
JULIA
Your anger.
JACOB
I'm not angry.
JULIA
But you are.
JACOB
I'm really not.
JULIA
What are you so angry about?
JACOB
Julia, I'mâ
JULIA
What happened to you?
They are silent. But it's a different silence than the kind they'd known. Not the silence of just joking, concealing, distracting. Not the silence of walls, but the silence of creating a space to fill
.
With each passing secondâand the seconds are passing, two by twoâmore space is created. It takes the shape of the home they might have moved to had they decided to give it one more shot, to go deeply and unconditionally into the work of re-finding their happiness together. Jacob can feel the pull of the unoccupied space, the aching longing to be allowed into what is wide open to him
.
He cries
.
When was the last time he cried? When he put down Argus? When he awoke Max to tell him he hadn't gone to Israel, and Max said, “I knew you wouldn't go”? When he tried to encourage Benjy's budding interest in astronomy, and took him all the way to Marfa, where they got a tour of the observatory and held galaxies in their eyes like oceans in shells, and when that night they lay on their backs on the roof of the Airbnb cabin and Benjy asked, “Why are we whispering?” and Jacob said, “I hadn't even noticed that we were,” and Benjy said, “When people look at stars, they tend to whisper. I wonder why”?
