Here Without You (26 page)

‘So soon?’

I arch a brow at her. ‘Time is money, Lucy.’

She laughs at my overdone impersonation of my father … and every producer in Hollywood.

Truth: I couldn’t sleep most of the night, thinking about how Dori responded to that kiss. She wants me still. I don’t care what she
says
– or refuses to say, since she hasn’t been speaking to me. Come to think of it, her avoidance feels even more suspect, because I’ve seen Dori angry, and nothing about her reactions yesterday denoted anger, even in the face of my obvious jealousy towards her friend.

Dr Shaw will be happy to know I didn’t lay a verbal insult (or a fist) on
Nick
– the guy I mistook for her boyfriend last summer at Habitat, because he clearly
wanted
to be her boyfriend. Considering the fact that for about two minutes yesterday afternoon I thought that guy was the reason she wasn’t calling me back – I think I showed extraordinary restraint.

‘River’s room is completely ready,’ Mom says, breaking into my mental recap.

‘Mom, are you sure you’re good with River living here? I know you and Dad thought you were almost rid of me. And it’s not like I can’t afford my own place.’

She smiles and lays her hand on top of mine. ‘Reid – this house is ten thousand square feet, give or take a few closets. We have staff who’ve been with us for years and are utterly trustworthy. It’s private. It’s safe. This is the perfect place for him. And for you, for now. Not forever – for now.’

I nod. I’m still stunned at how my parents have reacted to this.

Mom sips her coffee and I sip mine, both of us lost in our thoughts.

And then: ‘You haven’t said very much about Dori the
last few times we’ve spoken,’ she says. ‘How are things with her sister? And her first semester at Berkeley?’

I shake my head. ‘I’m not completely sure on either count.’

‘Hmm.’ Her
hmm
doesn’t sound surprised.

‘When I met her, I saw her altruistic side and thought
do-gooder
. I saw the girl with no make-up, wearing the least flattering outfits a girl could wear – especially knowing
I
was going to be around –’ Mom rolls her eyes and shakes her head – ‘and I expected
boring
. And she wore these T-shirts every day, supporting all kinds of causes, and I decided she was judgemental and sanctimonious.’

During our very first dinner out, Dori admitted that she was a bit sanctimonious. Her admission was coupled with that mischievous smile of hers that I’d begun making deliberate efforts to trigger. That may have been the moment I fell in love with her.

‘But I was so wrong about her. Even when she questioned her own goodness, she managed to see something good about me. And then her sister had that accident. It destroyed her. It obliterated her faith in everything.’ I bite the inside of my lip. ‘Everything except me. I somehow got her to trust
me
. And then I
lied to her
. And I can tell myself it was a lie of omission like that’s something
other
. Like that’s something
lesser
. But it was still a
lie
, and I knew it every goddamned day that I didn’t tell her.’

‘Reid, if she’s lost her faith in God, that isn’t yours to resolve –’

‘Yes, it
is
. She was trying, Mom – she was trying so hard to rebuild it. And then her dog died, and I didn’t tell her
about River. And now I have a son, who I can’t turn my back on –’

‘Of course you can’t. Dori wouldn’t expect that. She wouldn’t
want
that. I know she wouldn’t.’

‘That’s what’s tearing me apart. I don’t know how to fix this. How do I
fix
this?’ I stare into her eyes – my eyes, mirrored back at me. ‘I can’t lose her. I love her.’

‘I see that, Reid. But if I’ve learned anything in the past few months – and I think you have, as well – it’s that people must fix themselves. That’s the only way change has any hope of becoming permanent.’ She squeezes my hand.

Winking at me from her ring finger is the huge, flawless, round-cut diamond my father presented on bended knee when they were young.

Not as young as I am.

My dad was twenty-nine or thirty when he proposed to my mother. He was thirty-five when I was born, very legitimately. Thirty-five. Not fifteen, and too much of a dickwad to even consider the fact that a girl he’d had sex with – a girl he’d
made love to
– could possibly be pregnant with his child, no matter what else he thought she’d done, or with whom.

Mom follows my eyes to her hand and back to my face. She angles her head. ‘Reid?’

‘Mom. I need to ask you something.’

I hear the melodic chirrup of the Cantrells’ doorbell when I press the button, because all the windows and the front door are wide open. It’s a beautiful spring day in LA.

‘I’ve got it!’ Dori calls as she descends the staircase, alerting me that one or both of her parents are home. Just like the first time I ever heard her speak, I’m struck by the musical sound of her voice.

I watch her appear a bit at a time – bare feet on the steps and then her perfect legs in a pair of khaki shorts, followed by one of her more hideous T-shirts – a tie-dye done with too many colours, rendering it a sort of repulsive brown, for the most part. It sports the name of a chorale outreach programme for teens, sponsored by her high-school choir. Finally, her beautiful face dips into view.

How could I have ever thought her plain? I must have been blind.

As she reaches the screen door, I say, ‘You can’t scare me off with that butt-ugly T-shirt, you know.’

She clicks the lock on the door and admits me, glancing down at herself. ‘It works on most people. I could stand on the porch like a scarecrow and no one would come near.’

‘Except me.’ I pull her close and wrap my arms around her. ‘You know, if I keep you close enough, I can’t actually
see
it. Plus, it’s actually very soft, even if it is the most revolting T-shirt ever made.’

Her mouth quirks. ‘It does sort of look like it was tie-dyed in poop.’

I laugh. ‘Yeah, it does.’

I’d like to sweep her up, take her to her bedroom and strip it off. That’s not an option at the moment. One, her parents are home. And two, we need to talk.

As if she’s reading my mind, she shifts her eyes away from mine. Lucky for me, her hair is pulled back into a ponytail, and those exposed, pink-tipped ears tell me she
can
read my mind. Sucking her bottom lip into her mouth, she reveals her anxious mental state.

Time to be serious, as much as I’d like to help her avoid it.

I take her hand and lead her to the sofa. The ceiling fan whirrs overhead, and Esther’s dog bed is still in the corner, though her collection of toys has been packed away. Rose bushes provide bursts of colour across the tiny back yard, and the aroma wafts through the open windows, as potent as a hothouse. As luxurious as my parents’ house is, I love it here. I love her watery-coloured bedroom and those fish swimming across her ceiling. I think River would love it too.

Her hand lays palm up in mine. Skimming the contours of her fingers, I concentrate on calming her. Her eyes are still downcast, watching my finger trace slowly over her skin. I know from that kiss yesterday that she wants me, but she’s always been capable of pushing those desires aside. If we don’t go deeper than that – if she won’t let me all the way in, apart from her physical response, I won’t be able to keep her.

‘I want to apologize for not trusting you,’ I say, and she frowns as her eyes snap to mine. This is not what she expected me to confess.
Good
. ‘I was afraid of what you’d think of me if, or when, you found out about River. But you’ve been the one person to continually see anything worthwhile in me, to help me see it – and I should have trusted in that.’

I recall the words she said when she found out about him:
You’re doing the right thing, and I’m proud of you for it
. Her eyes go glassy, and I cup her face in my hands as the realization hits. Fucking hell, how did I not see this? ‘You have faith in me – but not
me with you
.’

And that does it. She shuts her eyes and I know I’m right.

‘You love your parents, but you think they don’t know you. You may still believe in God, but not that he cares about you. You’re disconnecting, trying to protect yourself. But, baby, it’s not going to work. I’m here to tell you – it’s not going to work.’

All of a sudden, she’s crying, and I’m praying this conversation isn’t going to push her further from me.

I stand and pull a small, square box from my pocket. Go to my knees in front of her, so we’re eye to eye. ‘Dori, I have faith in us. I don’t know how else to prove to you that I want you forever.’ I open the box and set it in her open palm, and she gasps. ‘My grandmother willed this ring to me, to give to the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with. When she died almost six years ago, I had no idea what my future held – or that someone like you would be part of it. That River would be part of it. I don’t know where I’ll be in another six years, but I know I want you there with me. With us.’

She stares down at the enormous sapphire stone, surrounded by slivers of diamonds and set into a platinum band. I don’t tell her that this ring also belonged to my great-grandmother. My maternal great-grandfather was one of those dudes who pulled his money from the stock market months before the
crash, keeping his family beyond solvent at a time when many of his peers lost everything. Their son presented this ring to my grandmother, and it skipped a generation and came to me.

I close the box and shut her fingers around it. ‘Take this. When you’re ready, I want to put it on your finger. I want you to meet my son. I want you to let me bring you into my world – because I need you there. The media crap is just PR. Piece of cake for you, trust me. There are a hundred people ready to help us nail it. Let me help you rebuild your faith, because that’s who you are, and I love who you are.

‘Remember last fall, when you needed to be reckless, and I told you to use me? Well, now, it’s time to be
fearless
. I can’t promise that you won’t be hurt again, because life can suck. And, sometimes, it hurts like hell. I’m asking you to have faith in one thing, for now: the fact that when we’re alone, I’m just Reid, and you’re just Dori, and we’re going to love each other for the rest of our lives.’

She’s staring at me, the velvet-covered box clutched in her hand. I lean forward and kiss her, tasting her tears or my own, I don’t know which. ‘Come to me when you’re ready to be fearless. Unless you can look me in the eye right now and tell me you don’t love me.’

Lower lip trembling, she says nothing, and I kiss her again before I leave.

‘
Brooke
,’ Janelle answers. ‘Please tell me you’re calling to say yes to
Paper Oceans
.’

‘I’m calling to say yes to
Paper Oceans
.’

‘
Oh, thank GOD!
’ My agent begins to squeal with joy and I jerk my mobile away from my ear. Jee-
zus
.

‘Janelle – I have one condition,’ I yell towards the phone.

The squealing ceases. ‘Okay. Let’s have it.’ She sighs. ‘I’m your agent – I was born to bitch up and negotiate. Hit me.’

Ugh. Dramatic much? ‘No negotiating necessary. This one is for Stan: tell him to go ahead and kill off Kirsten Wells, because she is
never coming back
to that damned beach.’

She shrieks with laughter. ‘Okay, seriously? After what he said to you on set last week, he can suck my –’

‘All right, then!’ I stop her before she finishes that thought and I’m stuck with a mental image I’d prefer to bypass. ‘We’re good. So, other than the occasional PR-necessary interviews and whatever pre-planning meetings the producers might need me to do beforehand, I’m officially out of
commission until June. I’ll be back and forth between LA and Austin until then.’

‘Oh. So you’re going through with the adoption?’ She sounds confused.

I grit my teeth. Janelle is a determined
I will never, ever have children
sort of woman. I was, too, not long ago. An aversion to parenthood was something we had in common. I can’t expect her to suddenly relate to my new priorities – though I do expect her to work around them.

‘Yes. Reid has agreed to keep him while I’m filming in Australia. He’ll be between films in June.’

‘Huh. Impressive. You two are behaving better than most of my divorced-with-kids cohorts – and they’re in their thirties and forties. Those poor kids are like the rope in their parents’ I-hate-you-now tug of wars. Thank God I don’t have to ever speak to either of my douchebag exes again.’

I know instinctively I’ll never have that sort of issue with Reid. Whatever his past or present faults, he’s stepped up in a way I never could have foreseen him doing. If he wasn’t in love with Dori, I could fall for him all over again.

But he is in love with her. And I need his friendship too much, for River’s sake, and for my own. I learned my lesson with Graham, whose friendship I’m determined to earn back. Some day. If Emma allows it.

‘Heads up, Janelle – Rowena is getting an exclusive photo op of Reid and River and me. She’s going to “catch” us doing our first custody swap. Expect the story to break by the end of the week – I’ll need you to consider who to give the print story to. It’ll be jointly done.’

‘Wow. You’re using Rowena for this?’ she says. ‘So, it will be a breaking story – photos only, instead of an official announcement. That’s
ballsy
. But why am I surprised? Of course you’d approach this the way you do everything else: head on.’

Can’t argue with that. ‘I’ve gotta go. River will be here any minute.’

‘Thanks for the
great
news!’ she squeals. ‘I’ll be in touch!’

I have
got
to get some earplugs.

I’ve never made so much
queso
in my life, and I’m from central
Texas
. River seems to like to dip everything he eats in a bowl of cheese, and given the fact that we’re trying to get his weight up, his paediatrician has given the green light to unlimited amounts of it. To my son, everything is better dipped in cheese – except fruit. But hand the kid a chicken nugget or a green bean or a stick of celery, and into the
queso
it goes.

I also did something that Kris was none too sure about: I bought a dorm-room sized fridge for his bedroom. ‘Maybe not the best precedent …’ Kris said, but I know she was thinking what I thought when I bought it: at least the food he hoards won’t spoil. And it may get him to do it more openly, which could result in his no longer feeling the need to do it at all, at some point.

He also likes to sit in his closet occasionally, with the door almost all the way closed. So we constructed a little tented-off area in the back with blankets and pillows, and a safety light, though he sometimes sits in the dark. If I can’t find
him, I know that’s where he is. I sit on his bed and call to him nonchalantly, telling him it’s time for lunch, or bath, or pyjamas and a book. Eventually, he emerges, always holding Hot Dog … who is going to need a bath of his own soon. His fur is sporting all sorts of random stickiness and, unsurprisingly, cheese.

‘Hi, River,’ I’ll say, as though it’s perfectly normal for a kid to want to sit in a dark closet.

He climbs up beside me, and I smile as though it doesn’t break my heart that he needs to hide. That he still gets that scared. That he still doesn’t speak.

‘He’s had one bad dream this week,’ I tell Reid quietly, as River stands at the hiking barricade, checking out the big Hollywood sign in the distance. He holds a finger out, tracing the letters in mid-air. I’ve had him for three days, and he’s going home with Reid now. ‘He yelled, “No” and “Don’t hit Mama”. But he stayed solidly asleep.’

‘Jesus,’ Reid says, watching him. We’re both smiling, because Rowena is a small distance away, taking photos. My smile has never felt so unnatural.

‘I’ll call you if I have any problems.’ He looks down at me, and the worry in his eyes is plain. ‘You might want to keep your phone on twenty-four–seven.’

I smile up at him. ‘You’ll do just fine. But yeah, I’ll have my phone on and
on me
for the next four days straight.’

River’s second favourite place is the huge sandbox on my enclosed patio. Daddy sent it, along with a note:
Brooke, I got Evan one of these and he loves it. I thought River might too. Evan is the starting forward on his soccer team, which
I’m now assistant coaching. Rory’s interested in cars, so we’re taking a long weekend to go to the auto show in NYC. Thank you for your advice. It was spot on. Love, Daddy
.

Reid plans to take River to the private beach owned by John’s parents. ‘John thinks he’s become an uncle,’ Reid says. ‘I had to talk him out of buying River a kid-sized sports car.’ I shake my head.
John
. ‘Did you pack that bulldozer you said he likes?’

I nod. ‘And the crane. So you can
both
play.’

We laugh and River turns to look at us. His sweet little face is so serious, but at least he isn’t frowning.

‘Ready to go, bud?’ Reid says, squatting down. River walks over and straight into his arms, and I bite my lip and keep my face turned from where I know Rowena is until my fake smile is back in place. I watch as Reid straps River into a booster seat in the back of his dad’s SUV, and hands him Hot Dog. ‘I’m guessing Immaculada is gonna get hold of that dog some time in the next few days,’ he murmurs, ‘and send it through the wash.’

‘Good,’ I murmur back. ‘I think we could stick him to a wall and he’d stay there right now.’ I run a hand through River’s soft hair, wavy and the perfect beach blond, like Reid’s. ‘Goodbye, River. Have fun with Reid, and I’ll see you soon.’ When I lean to kiss his forehead, he turns his face into mine. Not quite kissing me back, but accepting my kiss.

I’ve always said I would never need a man, and no boy would ever save me.

I was wrong.

Me:
I’m ready to talk, if you’re free.

Reid:
River is here for his second overnight. His bedtime is 8. Mom is reading to him now, and he’s looking pretty sleepy.

Me:
Oh! I don’t want to interrupt your time with him.

Reid:
Come at 9. He’ll be in bed – you won’t be interrupting. Please come.

Me:
You’re sure it isn’t too late?

Reid:
No such thing, Dori. I’ll open the gate – just park in your usual spot.

I have a usual spot, even if it’s been over two months since I’ve been here.

I take a deep breath and stare at the house where Reid grew up. It looks like a castle to me – a beautiful architectural monstrosity. But to him, it’s just home. He doesn’t see the world as I do – not because he wilfully refuses to, but because
this
is his reality. His celebrity is his reality. His career. His reputation. His son.

And he wants me to be part of this life of his.

Unbeknown to me, Mom was eavesdropping on our conversation on Sunday afternoon. I didn’t know until the next day. When she appeared at my bedroom door and asked if I had a moment to talk, I was separating the last of my clean laundry – hanging what I need for the coming week at home, packing what I’ll take back to Cal next weekend.

‘Sure, Mom. Kayla and Aimee aren’t coming to get me for a couple more hours.’

My friends planned a night out that included a movie:
Hearts Over Manhattan
, having no idea, of course, that it starred the mother of Reid’s child – whose existence was still a secret.

Mom perched at the end of my bed and glanced around my tidy room. ‘I’ve missed you, Dori. When Deb first left for college, it was difficult to watch her go, but her leaving didn’t silence the house – though it certainly quietened it.’

Deb, as tone-deaf as she could be, was the one who sang at the top of her lungs in the shower. She howled with laughter when talking on the phone or watching television. She banged pots and pans while cooking. It was impossible for her to enter or leave a room quietly. But she was so sweet and constantly happy that Mom and I, naturally more restrained, couldn’t criticize her innate exuberance.

Those memories are bittersweet now – rare moments that bring both laughter and tears, and leave my emotions a tangled mess.

‘You were only ten when she left for college,’ Mom said, smiling. ‘You still wanted to tell your dad and me all about your day, or help make cookies, or play with Esther. The house still felt full with you in it, and now, it’s so quiet.’

I slid a hanger through another shirt and hung it in the closet, unsure how to respond.

‘I was listening to some of your conversation yesterday. With Reid.’

I turned to face her, stunned. My mother had never been
the purposefully overhearing, snooping around sort of parent. Neither of my parents was. Of course, that was before I spent the night with Reid last fall.

‘What he said – that you don’t think we know you, that you don’t think God cares about you – it’s true, isn’t it?’

I shrugged – because it was unerringly true. How can you tell a parent who’s always loved you that she doesn’t really know you at all? But I couldn’t lie to her, either.

‘You’ve been very patient with me while I figure some things out. Like the fact that you’re a smart, loving young woman, and it’s time I trust your decisions about who you choose to love. If my interference in your relationship with Reid is what’s caused you to think I don’t know you, Dori, I’m even sorrier. You’re my daughter, and I want what’s best for you. But that’s for you to decide, as hard as it is for me to admit.’

I crossed the room as she stood to hug me. ‘I’m sorry, Mom.’

Shaking her head, she said, ‘You have nothing to apologize for.’ She pulled back and took my face in her hands. ‘If you see something good in that boy, then there’s something good in him. I trust your judgement, Dori. I always have.’

‘There’s a lot of good in him, Mom. And I want to tell you about all of it. Well – most of it.’ I blushed, knowing Reid would laugh at that accidental disclosure.

A tap on my window breaks me from my reverie. I blink, because Reid is standing right there, waiting for me to exit my car.

As I release the seat belt, he’s opening my car door, and the hinges protest as they always do, though I’d swear they squeal louder when I’m parked in his driveway.

‘Hey,’ he says. ‘I’m glad you came.’ I fall in beside him and we walk inside. ‘He’s asleep. Would you … do you want to see him?’

I nod, chewing my lip.

Tiny lights line the baseboard along the hallway between River’s partially open door and the steps up to Reid’s room, like the aisles in nice theatres. Reid pushes his son’s door open and enters, barefoot. I slip my flip-flops off in the hallway and follow him.

The room is dark, but there are two nightlights, and after a minute, our eyes have adjusted well enough to cross the room. Along with shelves of toys, I spy a television and game console, a huge overstuffed chair, and a perfectly proportioned desk.

The bed is raised, with a ladder at the end, but isn’t quite high enough to be a bunk. His small body curled around a stuffed dog, River is wearing pyjamas covered in cartoon ants, of all things. Unmistakably blond, his hair is longer than it was in the picture on Reid’s phone. His lips are parted, the lightest snore emanating from him.

I’ve always loved kids, but knowing this little boy is Reid’s takes that appeal a step further. I have to clench my hands into fists to keep from reaching out to touch him. ‘He’s beautiful,’ I say.

Reid stares down at me with dark eyes, his hair almost as light as River’s – no colour, as though he’s a black and
white version of himself in his white T-shirt and dark jeans. He takes my hand and leads me from the room.

Instead of taking me to his bedroom, he steers me to a small parlour off the main living area, and we sit on a sofa, side by side. He turns to me and seems to brace himself for what I have to say.

I pull my Mary Poppins bag from my shoulder and reach into it, pulling out a gift bag. ‘It’s a belated birthday gift. I had to get creative, since you have everything. Or, you will now – after you unwrap that.’

Surprised, he opens the bag and flings the tissue paper to the floor. When he pulls out the T-shirt, he laughs. Aimee, Kayla and I scoured the local thrift stores for the last two days to find a MADD T-shirt similar to mine. They were horrified that I’d give Reid something ‘used’, but once I had the idea I couldn’t let it go. They forced me to swear I wouldn’t tell him they had any part in finding it.