Heritage of Lancaster County 03 The Reckoning (27 page)

I'm gaining weight, and sometimes I feel queasy first thing in the morning. Mother says all this is normal.

I miss my shape.., but I love the baby inside me.

:.1 :.', :.

Katherine read each page through March, poring over every word. She stopped at one point and took the diary outside, propping herself against the trunk of a tree.

April 1

I'm as large as a blimp--at least I feel like it. Daddy's worried because I want to drop out of school until the baby is born. He thinks I'll miss out scholastically and won't get

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to attend a good college after next year.

I cry a lot these days. Can't seem to get on an even keel with my emotions.

Mother dotes on me constantly. It's amazing what she goes through to make sure I'm comfortable. I hope (if I keep my baby) I might be as dear a mother as she is to me.

April 7

A tutor from the school district comes three times a week. It's so much better than having to put up with the cruel comments at school. Especially from boys.

Katherine looked up when Fulton came outside with a tray of lemonade and cookies.

"Thank you," she said and went back to her reading.

April 15

My doctor wanted to do an ultrasound so we'll know

if I can deliver my baby naturally. There is a tiny little girl

growing inside me.

Mother and I looked through a book of names tonight. My favorite--the most beautiful of all--is Katherine.

May 5

I cried every day this whole week. [feel exhausted and dreadfully hopeless. Mother says I'm having panic attacks. Daddy wonders if I need psychological counseling.

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I'm heartsick! My first and only boyfriend never loved me. Never! Why did I believe him?

I can't sleep at night. I can only cry for what I've lost. Little Katherine may never know that her father abandoned me when I needed him most.

Katherine allowed her tears to fall unchecked. What de- spair-the tremendous pain--her birth mother had gone through, to give life to her.

By the end of the May writings, she felt fatigued and filled with sadness for young Laura's plight.

Rosie peered out the upstairs window. "Oh, I do hope she's going to be all right, out there all by herself."

Fulton joined her at the window. "Miss Katherine appears to be weeping."

"Yes, and I doubt she'll feel much like dining with Justin tonight."

"Perhaps a lavish dinner with the artist may be just the thing to cheer our Katherine," her husband remarked.

Stepping away from the window, she hugged Fulton. "Well, aren't you the optimist?"

He stuck out his stomach, nearly popping the buttons on his butler's vest. "I'll take that as a compliment, my dear."

"Thank you, indeed." And she turned back to the window, praying that Katherine would learn the precious things that Laura had so wanted her to discover.

June 1

I've been making an infant gown for Katherine. It's the prettiest satin fabric, all rosy and sweet.

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LEWIS

Daddy isn't putting pressure on me to make a decision, but his eyes fill with concern every time I look his way. Mother, on the other hand, I think is hoping that I keep my baby. She's left big hints about being ready for a grandchild.

Either way, I want my little girl to be happy. I think I'm leaning toward raising her myself. But I'm not so sure about bringing another child into this mansion. Would it be the best thing for her? The servants will spoil her terribly, and she'll never know what it means to work for what she wants.

Sometimes, I secretly wish we were of moderate means . . or even poor The books I read aboutpoorpeople make me wonder if they aren't happier

Little Katherine kicks me hardest in the early morning. I wonder if that means anything.

June 4

Mother wants to take me on a trip to Pennsylvania. She has the go-ahead from the doctor I know what she's thinking. The trip will be a distraction for me. I don't blame her for worrying. I've been through the wringer in more ways than one.

She promises that I'll love Lancaster County. I almost feel like I've visited there before, maybe because Mother loves it so much. We'll see what I think of the Plain people she keeps describing.

Getting away from here might not be such a bad idea. I want to take Katherine's baby gown along The hem stitching is all that's left to do. Won't my darling baby look beautiful?

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June 6

Yesterday I gave birth to Katherine, the most darling baby I've ever seen. But I gave her up, and my stomach felt so sich later, and my head ached for hours. The doctor gave me a sedative so I could sleep.

I don't know if it's possible for me to write everything about the day without sobbing my way through, but I must try. I never want to forget the way I felt or how I made my important decision about my baby--so I'li hurry to get it down on paper while the memories are fresh.

Our chauffeur drove around the back roads in Lancaster on such a pretty day. Even Mother said it was a perfect day to spend in Amish country.

Now I hnow why she wanted me to come here. It was so peaceful and charming, lihe pictures out of an old classic. I started to relax the minute we got off the busy highway. Little gray buggies with horses pulling them were everywhere, and farmers with straw hats--even young boys and girls--worked the fields.

When I saw the first covered bridge, I couldn't believe it. It was enchanting to me--so foreign to what I hnew, yet so inviting.

The more we rode around, the more I fell in love with Amish country. Strange as it is, I even wondered (and mentioned it to Mother) what it would be lihe to grow up Plain. Such a different world from my own. The farmhouses and the barns with their tall silos made me want to looh inside. Why was I so curious about this simple life? Why, when I had everything a wealthy family could ever offer?

I hid my tears while I watched a group of barefoot Amish girls work in the garden. They were piching strawberries and making a game of it. (Something I know nothing about.)

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I think I cried because I didn't want my baby to grow up the way I had, an only child. No brothers or sisters to play with. (And, worse, little Katherine would have no father)

Something beautiful was calling to me. I felt like I had come home--to a place I'd longed for my whole life. And if this was how I felt while carrying my baby--so close to being born--maybe there was a very special reason why Mother had brought me here.

She stopped reading, the realization of Laura's decision encompassing her thoughts, her heart.

The sky was bluer than she'd remembered seeing it since last summer, and a hint of fall was in the air. A flock of birds flew overhead, their flapping wings reminded her of the duck who'd stubbornly tagged along after her that July day as she and Mary were about to revisit their island.

Leaning her head against the tree trunk, she opened the journal again and finished reading the June entries.

My heart nearly broke when I heard KathOrine's first wails. The doctor placed her in my arms and we cried together. I kissed her soft head and wondered if I'd ever love another human being as much as I loved tiny Katherine at that moment.

Minutes later, there were noises in the hallway. People rushing about. A nurse was telling one of the doctors that there'd been a stillbirth. A young Amish couple ....

I must have known then in my heart why we had come to Lancaster. My baby was going to grow up here. I wanted her to fill the empty arms of a broken-hearted woman. I wanted her to run barefoot in the meadow, catch fireflies, learn to make quilts, and pick strawberries in the hot sun. I wanted my dear Katherine to work and play hard, to have all the simple things I'd missed out on. Most of all, I

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wanted her to be loved by a complete family. And I wanted

her to grow up Plain.

Gazing heavenward, Katherine wept silently. A gentle breeze blew a handful of leaves off the tree, a sure sign of fall.

After a time, she dried her eyes and rose, hurrying into the house. Justin would be arriving in only a few hours, and she suspected that the evening had been well-planned, possibly a special occasion. She'd caught him whispering to Rosie in the entryway a few nights ago when he'd escorted her home from yet another fancy outing.

Quickly she bathed and dressed, then swept her hair into an elegant twist, securing it with another one of Laura's gem-studded combs. Tonight she would tell her darling of the beautiful journal she'd found. Because Justin had been extremely fond of Laura, she knew he would appreciate, too, the cherished words.

The apple green dress she chose was the most exquisite in her wardrobe, and yet it boasted simple, clean lines--less dazzling than other gowns she owned. And it was satin. Even as a teen, her birth mother had also loved the feel and sound of satin.

Katherine stood in the drawing room, not wanting to wrinkle the tea-length dress. Waiting for the doorbell, she placed a light stole around her shoulders to ward offthe evening chill.

"You look truly lovely tonight," Rosie commented, an inquisitive smile on her round face.

"Do enjoy yourself, Katherine," said Fulton, standing in readiness near the door.

She thanked them both cordially. Then merrily, yet modestly, she smiled back at herself in the wall mirror across the room. Standing there, she grasped the effect her image represented. Yes, everything young Katie Lapp had ever

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dreamed of had come to her, to the mistress of Mayfield Manor, in the most extraordinary fashion.

Only one desire remained yet to be fulfilled.

Candlelit and elegant, the stately dining room was as intimate and lovely as any setting Katherine had ever visualized. Justin was attentive, as always, and she felt at ease sharing the revealing phrases from Laura's year as an unwed mother.

"She loved you dearly," he said, reaching across the table for her hand. "Just as I do, Katherine." His sincere smile warmed her heart.

Waiting, longing to hear his words of commitment, she spooned up a bite of the fruit-flavored sorbet.

Eyes shining, he reached into his suit coat pocket. "This is for you, Katherine." He presented her with a small square

box.

With trembling fingers, she opened the lid. A brilliant diamond solitaire! "Oh, Justin, it's.., exquisiteY' She could scarcely speak for the emotion.

"May I?" He placed it gently on her finger.

Staring down in amazement, she blinked back the tears. "I ... I don't think I've ever seen such a ring."

"You'll wear it every day for the rest of your life, my dear," he said, his eyes shining.

Something beautiful was calling me ....

She held her hnd out in front of her, admiring the engagement ring. Ach, what a large gem. It must have cost him a fortune.

I secretly wish we were of moderate means.., even poor. "My goodness, you're going to spoil me," she found herself saying. "I never dreamed I'd own such a wonderful piece of jewelry."

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"Every time you look at it, Katherine, I hope you'll be reminded of my love, darling."

I wanted you to run barefoot in the meadow.., to be loved by a complete family.

They went about their dining, enjoying the next course, served up on fine china, the edge of the platter rimmed in gold. She supposed she should feel elated just now, thrilled beyond belief. Every aspect of the evening was lovely: the tantalizing setting, her handsome suitor, and the engagement ring.

But the longer she stared at the diamond, the less it suited her. Not that it wasn't the prettiest thing she'd ever imagined. Oddly enough, she was thinking of Rebecca's hand. Never had Mamma worn even the simplest wedding band. Yet lifelong vows had remained as strong as her love for Samuel Lapp and for each of her four children--the boys and Katherine, too.

Her chest felt ever so heavy. Excusing herself, she fairly ran to the ladies' room. Great sobs wracked her body, and she had to sit down at the dressing table, her head buried in her hands.

Laura's whispered words as she lay dying had made all the difference. Now Katherine understood completely.

Lest she embarrass herself, she removed several tissues from the receptacle, wiping the mascara smudges from her cheeks. She dabbed at her face and applied fresh lipstick, her thoughts racing back to the things she'd most enjoyed while living here in the Finger Lakes. Ironically, they included her Amish friends--the Esler girls and their mother--the many quilting sessions at the estate, bread baking with Garrett and Selig, and entertaining and treating the hospice patients with music and Mississippi Mud.

Yet she had desperately longed to abandon her background, wanting to experience the fancy English world. The realization bewildered her, and over and over she murmured

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as she repaired her face, "I was meant to be Plain."

Then, bowing her head, she began to pray. "Dear Lord Jesus, I believe you placed me in Samuel Lapp's home for a reason. You had your hand on my life, always protecting me for the day when you would reveal the truth of the gospel .. waiting for me to come to you with open arms, to accept your love. Please forgive me for coveting the world and its extravagance. This I pray in Jesus' name. Amen."

As difficult as it would be, she had to pull herself together and return to the romantic setting. Justin would worry, and he should not be kept waiting.

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he set out early to accomplish a full day of errands and appointments, starting with a visit to Mr. Cranston, her attorney, as well as a stop at the bank and a visit with Mrs. Esler, Rachel, and Ruth.

By nightfall she had summoned her entire domestic staff. The meeting was held in the library--cordial for some, tearful for others. Rosie seemed resigned to the announcement, though Theodore's eyes were cast down as Katherine's plans were revealed.

The next day Theodore drove her to the hospice. "I can't say that I agree with what you wish to do, though I suspected the day might come."

She listened, feeling sympathetic toward the old gentleman. I'll always remember you, Theodore," she said. "You've been like a grandfather to me, you know?"