Heroine: California Dreamin' (20 page)

“You allowed this Joe to rape you? That can’t be true. Already when you came in here I sensed how intimidated you were. But something like that you should never tolerate”, she protested indignantly.

“But what should I have done? Indirectly I had in fact invited him because I didn’t want to be alone. Besides that this could be a way for me to get out of here.”

“Jesus Christ Almighty, are you naïve. Should this guy really manage to get you out of here then you’ll land straightaway in a whore house in some ghetto backdoor apartment and you’ll never get out of it. That is worse than jail. With all means he would prevent that anybody would ever learn about your existence. No, no, you must report that to the police. I’m certain that this Joe is only a temp cop here. Lately they have hired people here come hell or high water because the men’s tract is totally overpopulated. They have them sleep in the shower room. During the last few months they had to admit a few hundred of the worst characters from Valley State and administration welcomed anybody who wanted a job as a guard. Meggie told me that they even have to abort rehab programs since the city has no more money. If anybody in the sheriff’s office gets wind of the fact that one of their people is raping inmates then they finish him off. With that they show no mercy.”

“But how should I prove that? He was all alone with me. And how do I get out of
here?” Only now the Bail Bond Service came back to mind.

“They have cameras in the corridor. When this female guard had let him come in then this is recorded, I am sure. Then the two of them need some explaining to do if and when they are presented with the recordings.” I felt quite uneasy about it. I wouldn’t like to get involved with an investigation as a foreigner. So I agreed with Kate to first sleep on it for a night and do nothing about it for the time being. Now we were both tired and wanted to lie down despite the permanent noise coming from at least one of the other cells.

“I’m going to wash up and then I come to you. Then we sleep together.” Without asking me whether I would like that Kate got up and went to the sink. I hesitated for a moment. Did I really want that? But then it became clear to me that I would make Kate an enemy if I rejected her. Besides that, wasn’t it part of my emergency plan for the time in jail? I became aware that I had provoked her when I leaned against her the way I did. For her that was an unmistaken signal. So I relaxed. A few minutes later she pulled down her blanket from the upper bunk and laid down beside me. We crawled under the blankets so we wouldn’t disturb the others and I enjoyed the next few hours. It was a wonderful experience full of tenderness and trust.

Somewhere in my most inner long lost memories of similar beautiful touches appeared from my childhood. But I couldn’t hold on to these images and so they disappeared again into my subconsciousness while flushing waves of great yearning to the surface.

The next morning we were allowed to shower again. We laughed and frolicked in the shower room until another group of women, all with tattoos, pressed into the room. For us it was the signal that the rulers of this block had appeared and we made sure to leave the premises as fast as possible. After breakfast the cell doors were locked again. The women in my cell got aggravated. Apparently this was unusual. We were bored for a few hours in the narrow room and we killed time by telling one another our dreams from last night and we tried to interpret them. Then the door flung open again and we were allowed in the common room where only a few other women were present. Some cells remained locked up and the guards ordered us to keep quiet otherwise we would have to return to our cells.

Now it was finally possible to make a phone call. During the night Kate had woken me up once more and whispered into my ear why I wouldn’t call my consulate since I was a foreigner. I was happy about that. Until then I hadn’t even thought of it. Now I actually had two prospective ways to still get out of here. I could forget about Joe. However, I didn’t like the idea of reporting him to police. I felt that I probably was too responsible for the situation that night.

Kate didn’t only help me to reach the number of a Bail Bond Service via the phone system she was also willing to shoulder the expenses. A friendly female voice answered the phone and I described her my situation. She said that her company was surely able to help and then she asked about my nationality. I told her that I was German with a permanent visa; she replied that she had to check something out. I should wait a moment. She was back a few moments later. Her answer hit me like a punch into my stomach.

“I am sorry but we can’t post bail for persons from your country. Our terms of business do not allow that. Please contact a lawyer.” It made click in the receiver and the connection was cut. I was so relaxed during the hours before because I had already seen the light of freedom. Now that. I started to sob uncontrollably. Kate took me into her arms and wiped my tears with her handkerchief. I told her briefly what I had just heard. She suggested to make another call.

After I had calmed down again I dialed the number for information again. This time I requested the phone number at our house in Roquetas. The consulate was to be called after that. During the night I had dreams about Daniel and I became aware of the fact how much I missed him. Perhaps everything was still going to be resolved. He couldn’t just strike me out of his life.

It rang for a long time. Nobody picked up. That did the rest. Sobbing I crept back to my cell and laid down on the bunk. If Kate hadn’t come back and taken me into her arms I would have lost my mind. But in this way I pulled myself together again until lunch. I was not allowed to make another phone call for today the guards let me know. I didn’t care.

While I shortly thereafter poked listlessly in my food I asked myself what went wrong in my relationship with Daniel. The memories of past affairs and my problems slowly passed by my inner eye. Did Daniel have enough of my escapades? But he had them imposed on me! Did he perhaps learn about my visits with Pete and Ron? Or did something else strike him in addition? Perhaps Igor or Horst had called him? Restlessly I slid back and forth. There were more than enough reasons to leave me if he dug deep enough into my past.

Kate had gone briefly and came back now.

“You look like shit”, she commented dryly. “But this will pass. You’ll get out of here faster than you think. They are not keen on nor do they have the money to feed somebody like you because of some minor details.” Her quiet and dry sound of voice alone helped me to come to my senses again and I shook off the negative thoughts.

“Last night there was quite some ruckus”, she reported. “I asked the guard what was going down and why the cells are partially locked. A few junkies had lost it last night. One of them was apparently successful to smuggle some drugs in here and in her stupor she attacked a guard. Therefore we only get out of the cells in shifts.”

I suddenly remembered that I still had the bag from Joe in my chest pocket. If they did a body check now and found that bag I would immediately be transferred into the cell with drug addicts. What I would face there I didn’t even want to imagine. I had wanted to keep that stuff as currency in case I would meet Estrella again. But the bag was now life-threatening. I jumped up and raced with the hand before my mouth into my cell where I bent over the toilet bowl and pretended to throw up. While I spat out some food leftovers from my mouth I looked for the small plastic bag in my blouse. I wanted to throw it into the toilet. But I couldn’t find it any more. Panicky I searched through my clothes, then the bed. The dope remained gone. They were probably forgotten in the solitary cell. Kate stood in the door frame and looked concerned.

“Say, are you pregnant or what? You are as pale as a bed sheet and you act up as if your hormones gone haywire.” I was not sure whether she had meant that ironically.

“And if so? What’s so bad about it?” I snapped back. “What’s happening with pregnant women in this joint? Will they go to a special station or maybe even released?” Kate laughed.

“Forget about it. They wouldn’t release anybody because of that. When your child is born they might transfer you. That is all.” She continued to grin and I understood that she made fun of me. During the night I had also told her about my marriage with Daniel. First she seemed to be sad that I was in a steady relationship but then she acted like before.

The day passed quietly; only from the locked cells we heard nagging arguments once in a while. The women there accused one another why they were locked up. In the afternoon there was lock-up for everybody. Before that there was general cleaning. The cells and the shower rooms had to be clean. I remembered Linda’s statement that it would take to Sunday until I calmed down completely and then it would only be boring. Well, boredom came already a day earlier because I felt good in Kate’s presence. The other women in the cell helped too to relax the situation because they didn’t hold back when they wanted to show their affection for their partners. I was certain that the cell allocation would change fast and that I would be transferred after my conviction. I hoped to God that I could then be part of such a group again.

When we got out of our cells at six o’clock on Sunday morning all cell doors were open. Later I learned from Kate that the drug addicted woman who had caused the ruckus the night before had been transferred into a solitary cell. Again Kate helped me to make another phone call. She had befriended one of the female guards who knew Kate’s friend Meggie very well and thus she managed to negotiate a few ‘liberties’. After a few attempts I actually was put through to the consulate in San Francisco. The answering machine informed me about the business hours. Frustrated I slammed the receiver back on the phone. No dice to get a hold of anybody before Monday. After breakfast the little bit of freedom in the common room was taken away and we all disappeared again in our cells. We talked for hours about everything under the sun. Pam complained in particular excessively about being unable to see her daughter.

Kate and I had cuddled on my bunk and we talked quietly with one another when the keys squeaked unexpectedly in the cell door. The door opened and a female guard entered.

“Noula, come out you have a visitor”, snapped the guard at me. Then she also called on Pam and Christine. It was all held in the usual tone of a barrack yard which I had not yet gotten accustomed to. So first I was quite angered and then surprised. That we had visitation hours on Sunday morning I already knew but that I was actually called on deeply confused me. Obediently I stood with the two other women in the corridor and waited. The guard showed us the way. She went alone with us from which I concluded that I was meanwhile considered ‘harmless’. We entered a bare room with a row of tables that were equipped like telephone booths. One could look through the separating glass pane to the visitor’s side and conversations were held via a phone. A sign in the little cabins ordered that hands had to stay visible at all times. The guard led me passed by a long row up to a place where I was seated. Through the glass pane I saw Daniel. He smiled at me in a friendly way and lifted the phone to talk to me.

I didn’t react. I sat there with my mouth open and looked at him without being able to move. It swooshed in my ears and I felt that I became dizzy and that my strength was waning. Then I began to tremble and the first tears found their way. Then there were more and soon I sobbed without interruption. A loud clink as if from a glass that shatters on the floor made me wince. When I looked around I couldn’t see anything. But at this moment I felt as if a bell jar that I had carried around all day long unnoticeably over my head shattered with a loud bang. My fear, the feeling of being abandoned, the despair, everything at once swashed over me and I could no longer sit upright in the chair. Crying I put my head onto the small desk before the glass pane and let my feelings flow. Daniel was here to get me out of here and I had believed that he had left me. A guard shook me on the shoulder and I turned my tear-stained face to her.

“It is time to say good bye”, she said in a friendly way. “Visiting hours are almost over.” Terrified I sat upright. Did I really lie there for full thirty minutes crying? Only now I became aware that I still hadn’t talked to Daniel at all. Hastily I picked up the receiver.

“Darling, I am so happy that you’ve come”, I said with a hoarse voice interrupted by sobs. “When can I get out of here?”

“Tomorrow noon”, replied Daniel. “I will come back with Irene tomorrow morning and we’ll see each other around noon in court.” That he mentioned Irene made me wince. Had he talked to her? Why and how did those two came in contact? It began to rumble in my belly. I only hoped that this will go well!

It was too late to get answers to the questions I wanted to ask. An officer approached Daniel from behind and directed him to get up and leave. He just had time enough to yell “I love you” into the phone; then the rough guy made him leave. I was also brought back to my cell. On the way there I had to stop twice to find support on the wall because I got dizzy. Kate greeted me in the cell. I threw myself around her neck and cried again. When I had come to myself again I told her of Daniel’s visit and that he would get me out of here on Monday. Her body stiffened for a few seconds as if she was hurt by these news. But then she acted as before and was happy with me.

That Daniel had mentioned Irene was like a stone in my stomach and I couldn’t eat anything anymore all day long. At night I rolled restless back and forth after Kate had preferred to return to her bunk. All apprehensions of the past weeks in connection with Robert’s death marched like shadows through the dim lit cell. When the siren woke us I had only slept for a few minutes.

Shortly after seven one of the guards came to us in the cell. The door was open. We had retreated again after breakfast because the common room smelt of another upcoming ruckus. Candy was just sitting on the potty and Christine changed her clothing when the male guard busted into our cell without prior warning. I got very enraged about this impolite behavior. It was not only hard to understand that men were allowed to work as guards in a women’s prison. But that they - on top of that - intruded our private sphere so recklessly drove up my blood pressure. The others took it in strives. They had gotten used to this boor. I would never reach that point, I knew that. But today was my last day as Daniel said and therefore I pulled myself together.

“Noula, come out. You’ll be driven to court”, he snarled at me. If this guy would once cross my ways on the outside he had to brace himself for something. Since Daniel’s visit yesterday I felt that my self-confidence had partially returned. The bell jar that had surrounded me had disappeared. But I was still scared of the guards – something that had to do with Joe. So I lowered my head and followed him. He went to several cells to fetch other inmates. Apparently the loudspeaker that they usually used to call out for inmates they wanted, didn’t work. Kate followed us and gave me a big hug in the corridor.

“Please do not forget me”, she whispered into my ear. “I would like to see you again.” I looked at her in surprise. Had she fallen in love with me?

“But you have Meggie? Isn’t she jealous when she learns about me?”

“So what? She is in a steady relationship after all. And something as beautiful as you are I have never experienced before. Do me the favor, please, won’t you?” I was certain that a further relation would even ask more from me than my previous affairs. But I felt her longing and vulnerability. We had spent two nights together and I had no right to simply end that in such a way. Because she had been here for me in these times and she had consoled me and protected me. And besides that I still owed her money for the incredibly expensive phone calls.

“Good. Where do I find you when I look for you?” She had her car parked in a place opposite City Hall.

“Right beside it is the police station”, she grinned. “I’m sure they keep an eye on the old car.” I knew that place well enough, as I remembered. I told her the number of my cell phone which she non-stop repeated when I was chained together with several other women, and then we marched off.

This time the bus was almost full. There were inmates from other departments as well, men as well as women. Only two officers guarded us in the bus and a police car that drove in front of us. Apparently only ‘light’ cases were being transported. Though I was chained I was as happy as a small child. The fears of the night had dropped off me and I enjoyed the sunshine, the view of the palm trees and the well-kept plants in the streets. This time we didn’t have to enter the cages in the court house but we remained together in a room where officers in light brown uniforms guarded us. At nine o’clock the inmates disappeared in small groups one after the other into the court room. So far I remained calm but from ten o’clock on I would become more and more nervous with every small group of women who left the court room. By eleven o’clock the room was almost empty and only five of us remained. Shortly thereafter I sat alone in the room. Now my restlessness was replaced with angst. What was going down here? All other cases they had called in groups. The hand on the clock in the room now indicated it was half past eleven when a gray-haired officer in a black police uniform entered the room. He told me to get up and to follow him.